Holding On
by Lovinyou7
Summary: Olivia is kidnapped, but her attacker doesn't only have his sights set on her. He brings company. Bensaro in the later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**I have no idea where this idea came from, but I thought it was great, and decided to write it down. This story takes place at the end of season 15.**

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It was around 9:10 PM, and the NYPD SVU had just wrapped up yet another tough case. Nick grabbed his coat, and walked over to Olivia in her office. He was the last of them to leave besides Olivia. "Goodnight Liv. Are you heading home? Do you need a lift?"

"No, I'm heading out in just a minute. I just have a little paperwork I need to get started on before I go."

"Alright then, see you tomorrow. Goodnight Sergeant."

"Goodnight Nick." Olivia said with a smile. She watched Nick leave the squad room, and wished she could be leaving with him. Reality was though, she had too much paperwork to even think about leaving at the moment. She returned her attention back to the piles of paperwork that awaited on her desk.

It wasn't until 11:30 PM until, Benson finally headed to her apartment. She walked out to her car, and thought she heard a noise coming from somewhere nearby, but when she looked around, there was nothing there. She shrugged it off, and got inside her car. Benson drove to her apartment complex, and took the elevator up to her floor. Before the door shut all the way a man stepped a foot in, and joined her in the elevator.

It was awkward on the silent elevator as they both awaited to get to their correct floor. Olivia got off once the elevator reached her floor, but the man stayed on for another story. She walked down the hall toward her apartment door, and opened the door. As soon as she opened the door she saw a man she immediately recognized as Jackson "Jack" Ames. It was the man they had been trying to track down for weeks now, but still had not even a general idea as to where he might be. Now he was here, in her apartment. She pulled her gun out of reflex, but Jackson quickly knocked it from her hand, as he remained with his trained on her head. Olivia remembered what had happen with Lewis, when she didn't put up a fight, what he did to her when she stopped fighting. She couldn't let that happen again, she wouldn't.

Olivia stood still, and waited for the perfect time to make her move. "Come on in... Sergeant." He said mockingly.

She took a few steps into her apartment, and as he reached to close the door behind her, she lunged at him. The gun flew from his hand, and went sliding across the floor. Now it was even, neither one had a weapon, and they would have to fight with their fists. Olivia had seen the pictures from his past victim's crime scenes, she knew how powerful he was. The few he left alive had also told her he had immense strength, and easily overpowered all of them. Benson made a run for the gun that lied on the floor beside her feet, but Jack shoved her away from it, and she stumbled backwards. He was about to pick up the gun, and reclaim his dominance, but Olivia managed to kick the gun away from his hand, sending the gun across the room in the same general direction as the other. Jack slammed his hand on the floor, hoping to startle her, and maybe freeze her for a few seconds, but Olivia was no coward. She knew what would lie ahead if she didn't fight. When his hand made contact with the floor, she saw the opportunity, and stomped on his hand as hard as she could. He screamed out in pain, and Olivia darted for the gun. Jack jumped up, and dove at her. He managed to tackle her before she got to the guns, and he hit her across the face.

Olivia didn't blink twice as the pain ripped across her face. There was no denying he was strong, but so was she, and she would not give up this fight. Jack made a dive for the gun, but Olivia was right there to fight him. She threw a punch, but it didn't seem to affect him. He threw one punch, and her head was spinning. She knew this would be a continuous uphill battle, and a long fight if she had a chance to win this one. He threw another punch after she threw one at him. She blacked out for only a half a second, just to find herself lying on the floor of her own apartment with Jack standing over her with his gun pointed directly at her head. "I can tell you're a feisty one. Now, you can either accept your destiny to be with me, or things can be a lot worse for you. It's your choice, everything is."

"What do you want?" She asked, even though she knew what the answer was.

"You do what I say, and I let you live. It's that simple, but it's your choice. Do you want to go with me, or not?" He asked, and adjusted his gun so, it was pointed directly at the center of her head. He waited for a response, but he didn't get one. She wasn't going to ask him to kidnap her like he wanted. "Let me rephrase the question, do you want to live, or die?"

Benson thought about it for a moment. She knew what he would do if she chose to live, and everything he would put her through. She also knew how hard the recovery was after Lewis, and she did not want to go through that again. She contemplated letting him just shoot her right there in her own apartment rather than some random location in the middle of nowhere, if she wasn't strong enough for what he was about to do. She had seen all the victims. More dead than alive. He only killed his victims when they asked for it, and that was how she was able to know she would be put through the worst torture she could imagine. Only three of his victims made it out alive, out of about twenty girls, seventeen had begged him to end their life. Then, she started to think of Nick and her squad. She couldn't die without saying goodbye to them, and Elliott, she always hoped one day she could talk to him, at least only a few words before she were to die. Her mind went back to Nick, she needed him, she wanted to talk to him. Olivia thought of him finding her dead, without even fighting at all. "Live." She said. "I want to live."

Jack smiled at her answer, he was looking forward to this. "Come on." He said. They walked out of her apartment together, and Olivia tried to make eye contact with different people, and try to let them know something wasn't right, but none of them would maintain eye contact. Once they got to his car, he had her sit in the passenger seat, and handcuffed her hands behind her back.

He drove for a little but then he pulled over once nobody was around, and made her get into the trunk. It was safer for him that way.

Benson laid in the trunk of his car, trying to adjust herself just right. She had noticed Jack had a new car, and all the newer models were now made with a release button on the inside of the trunk, for instances like this one. She moved around trying to feel for the switch. The handcuffs were digging into her skin, and her wrists were becoming very raw and sore. She was finally able to find the switch, and release the trunk. It cracked open, and she looked out as the road sped underneath her. She contemplated jumping out, or waiting for someone to come up behind them to help her once she jumped. She debated all aspects, and figured it would be better to just jump now so, she threw herself over the edge of the trunk, and out of the speeding car. She could feel her bones crack against the hard road beneath her. She cried out in pain, but no one was there to help. She held her right arm, she knew she had messed it up considerably by the amount of pain it was causing her. Her head was throbbing, and she could see blood, but she didn't know where it was coming from. Her vision was blurred, and she was having a hard time remaining conscious, she knew she must have hit her head.

Olivia was watching the car as it drove farther away from where she was laying, then it stopped. It started coming toward her. _No, no, this... no. He can't... somebody... I... help. _She was screaming in her mind, but nothing came out of her mouth. She saw him get out of his car, and stand over her. He picked her up, and she tried to fight, but she didn't have the strength. She was hardly able to move as the pain ripped through her body.

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**Olivia's POV**

I finally regained consciousness, and I found myself in a room. My head was pounding, and the rest of my body throbbed with pain. I looked around, and tried to figure out where I was. There wasn't much around though. I was handcuffed to a bed, this one seemed sturdier than the iron framed one in the beach house. There were no windows, and only one door in the room, and a chair that sat beside the bed. The bed I was lying on was yellow and red, but I could tell it used to be white at one point. It was disgusting. I could almost smell the fear from the past victims in that room. There was dried blood everywhere, it was obvious a lot of them had died there. Lying on that bed in the horrific room was torture enough, I wasn't sure I'd make it past an hour once he started whatever he was going to do.

He entered the room, and I closed my eyes. I was already in so much pain, I did not need more.

"Hey, you're awake. I've been waiting for you. I've never seen anyone with as much fight as you have. So, I planned something a little extra special for you."

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**Please let me know if you liked it or not, I really would like your opinion. If you want me to continue, you have to let me know. So, please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews, I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Please be cautious if you are sensitive to stuff like this, I don't want to give everything away, but just be cautious while you read if you think you think it may trigger you. I don't own the SVU characters. This all goes for all the chapters.**

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She was lying on her back with her hands cuffed to the post above her. She could see in his eyes that he was excited about what he was about to do. She looked into his eyes, and saw pure hatred. She had only seen that look of hatred so strong, twice before in her life. Once with Harris, and the other with Lewis. That was when she knew what she would be up against.

_Harris, the basement, Lewis, the bed, the handcuffs. It was all the same. I'm here, now they're here. They're all attacking me. All three of them at once. There's no escape. Fin, Nick, they have to help. _

She came out of her thoughts in a panic, but only to discover that, she was still there, with him. He got up, and sat in the chair next to her bed, as she watched his every move. Jack looked over at Olivia who was paying close attention to him. "Should we get started? We have a lot to get to, before that surprise I promised you." He smiled at her. "I bet you're dying to know what it is."

"Go to hell."

"Would you like to get out of this dead or alive? Well, you don't have much of a choice, do you?" He asked, expecting an answer, but didn't get one. This infuriated him. He put his face directly in front of hers, any closer, and they would've been touching. "Dead, or alive?! Answer me!" He screamed in her face.

"Alive." She choked, trying to sound as tough as she could, but her voice still shook. "And I will. I have the biggest gang in the city." She gained her confidence back, and was able to talk properly now. "There is no way you're going to get away with this. They will ALL be looking for you, and they will find you, and when they do, they will not think twice about killing you, after this. So, I'd advise you to let me go before, my partner puts a bullet in your head."

"Oh, really?" He seemed intrigued by this. "I've a feeling you won't be saying that for long." Jack said, and took a step away from the bed, smiling. He un-cuffed Olivia, freeing her wrists from the restraints. Her arms fell limp by her sides, still giving her a shooting pain from the jump she had taken. He pulled her arms behind her back, and placed the cuffs around her wrists. He helped her off the bed, even though, she would probably be fine getting up herself. She limped over to the bathroom in which he led her to. She didn't know what would be next, but she was sure it was some kind of torture.

Olivia wanted to stop, to resist, to fight, but she knew she had to choose her battles. She knew she was too weak to fight, and would never win against him in her current condition so, she chose to wait until she either had the perfect opportunity, or she gained some strength back. In which, she doubted would happen while she was being tortured.

Jack led Olivia in front of the tub in the bathroom. "We have to get you all clean and pretty before your surprise, okay? Now, take off your clothes." He said to her in a voice as if she were a child. She didn't listen, she glared at him, and gave him that look she always gave to perps. The one that said she wanted to see their balls in a blender. "What's the problem?" He asked.

"I can't do anything, unless you take off these cuffs." She said. She tried to maintain an authoritative tone, but failed.

Jack smiled at her as he stepped behind her, and she felt the hard metal release its hold on her. "Take them off."

Olivia's entire body shivered at the thought. This was not only physical, but mental torture as well, making her do it herself. There was something more degrading about having to do it herself. Her mind would have to let go of something, give up a part of herself in order to follow the orders. She didn't want to go there, but she knew she had to if she wanted to live. "Either, you take them off, or I can shoot you. It's your choice." He said, and brought the gun up, and pointed it at her head.

"Okay. Okay. I'll do it." Olivia said, raising her hands. "Just put the gun down."

"Not until you strip. Now hurry, or I'll shoot."

"Okay. Okay." Olivia said. She started to unbutton her top. Tears slid down her face, running in streams over her cheeks.

* * *

The squad arrived at work for the day when, they realized, Benson was nowhere to be found. Each had tried calling her several times, but it had gone to voice mail every single time. They knew something was wrong, and Murphy sent and Amaro and Rollins over to Benson's apartment to check up on her. They drove there in record time, and were terrified of what they might find after what had happened with Lewis. When they finally got inside the door, the sight was all too familiar to the two detectives. There were a couple drops of blood in the entry way, and signs of a struggle, though, not too obvious. They had kept it pretty clean. They both just stared at the room in shock. They couldn't believe it'd happened again. All the evidence they needed was right in front of them, there was no need to investigate further. They knew who'd done it. Jack was the only logical answer, but the problem was, they had no way of tracking where he was. They knew his name, face, and record. They had all the evidence a long time ago, and had gotten a warrant for his arrest, but he was nowhere to be found. None of the girls were ever able to tell them anything about the location, only a description of the room they were kept in. They couldn't tell the distance either because, he kept them drugged or knocked out on the way there and back, for the few that made it back. The two of them knew what they were up against, and they were almost certain Olivia would make it out alive. She was the strongest woman they knew, and if anyone could do it, it would be Olivia Benson. They didn't want to wait for her to come back to them though, they too saw the torture Jack put his victims through, and would do anything to get her out of there before she had to endure all of it.

Fin received the call almost immediately after they arrived, Amanda called him. Fin dropped his phone when he heard the news. He was in shock, _How could this happen to her, again?_ Fin was the only one there for Sealview, and Lewis, and now this? She had already been through so much, but Fin was really the only one that knew what happen in the basement, being the only other one that had been in there besides Harris and Olivia. She said she hadn't been raped, and he believed her, but he knew how incredibly close she had come. He didn't know most of the details about Lewis, but he had a good idea of what went on in those four days, and then again in the one other day. Fin rushed over to Benson's apartment as soon as he got the news.

Nick walked around, and kicked himself for not seeing this coming, and protecting her. He had noticed her finally regaining her life back, and becoming happy again, but then this happened. There was so much he wanted to tell her before she was taken away, possibly forever, but it was too late now. She was gone, and the thought of never seeing her again, it killed him. His heart stopped at the thought, he couldn't imagine never seeing her beautiful smile, or big beautiful brown eyes, never hearing her lovely voice again. It killed him to think like that, but he couldn't help it. He had never expressed his true feelings for her because, the time had never been right, and this made him wish he would have said something before.

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Olivia stood in front of Jack, fully exposed, without a thread on her. He looked her up and down a few times before he ordered her to get in the tub. She followed his orders, but she didn't look at him. She couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt so degraded, and so ashamed in that moment, she wished she could shrink down and shrivel into nothing.

Once Olivia was inside the tub, Jack took the bar of soap, and started rubbing it all over her body. He cleaned her on the inside and out. Olivia closed her eyes as he touched every inch of her exposed body. She flinched when he would touch her still tender spots. She hated herself for giving him that satisfaction, but she couldn't help it. His touch was soft, but his hands were rough as sandpaper as he rubbed the soap on her body. He moved nice and slow, savoring every moment of it.

When he had finally finished up with the extremely violating bath, he dressed her back in the clothes she had been wearing, and took her back to the bed, and re cuffed her hands to the bed. She took a deep breath when he pulled on her damaged arm to cuff it to the post behind her. She winced in pain, and he tightened it a little more to eliminate the possibility of comfort. "You sleep tight, I'll be back in a little bit." Jack said, and then he left.

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Nick entered the cribs, slamming the door behind him. Staring blankly at the wall in front of him, anger flowing through his veins. His hand closed into a fist, and he punched the wall in front of him multiple times, until his pain slowly started to fade away. His blood stained the wall a bright red, and his hand was now lying flat on the smooth concrete wall, and Nick tried to catch his breath. Fin opened the door, and the blood stained wall immediately caught his attention. "It's gonna be alright Nick, we're gonna find her."

Nick shook his head. "I shouldn't have let her go home alone. How could I have been so stupid? I should've known." He said, and slammed his hand against the wall.

"Nick, you can't blame yourself, none of this was your fault. She's tough..."

"You would be saying the same thing if someone you loved was taken away from you... TWICE!" Nick blurted, glaring at Fin.

Rollins and Murphy entered the cribs. "Hey, the security footage from outside her apartment, showed the car she was taken in, the driver. It was definitely Jack, they tried to follow him with the traffic cameras, he was headed north, but they ended up losing him again. Same place as last time." Rollins said.

"So, it was a complete waste of time?!" Nick asked. Rollins sighed. "That's great! Do you at least have all the roads leading out of the city blocked of?"

"We do, but so far, he hasn't turned up." Murphy said.

"He keeps his vics in the city." Rollins added.

"Olivia is a survivor." Nick said, irritated Rollins had just called her a 'vic.'

"You're right. I'm sorry. I-" Rollins said.

Nick stormed out of the cribs before she could finish, thinking he was going to go find her, but he had no idea where he could even start looking.

* * *

Olivia was left in the room all alone again, left to think about what he had just done. She couldn't help it. Her mind kept going there. She wanted it to be over, she hoped Nick would come running through that door to save her, and tell her it was all over. He had killed him, he was gone, but she knew where they were on the case; which was nowhere. She knew she would have to rescue herself again, or survive until he was done with her, and dumped her somewhere. For some reason, she still hoped Nick would come running in to save her. She took in a deep breath, noticing she was shaking, and tried to calm herself down. The air filled her lungs, but the smell was gut wrenching. The dried blood all around the room had added a copper smell to the room, on top of all the mixture of bodily fluids, and old perfume that had once been worn by the other girls. Blood, sweat, tears, urine, she could smell it all as she was lying alone in the silent basement.

She looked over at the locked door to the basement. It felt like a million miles from where she was at. It was so close to her, but the possibility that she would ever be able to reach that door on her own, it seemed unrealistic, like she would have to be living in a fantasy world. Would she be able to survive? Her mind was slowly giving up, as reality hit her, and she realized the aftermath that was sure to follow of flashbacks, nightmares, the trial, and she wouldn't have Cassidy this time, not that he was the best person to help her, but he was always there, and she wasn't sure if she would have that person who would always be there for her after this. She didn't know if she could make it without it. Yes, Olivia knew her team would be there to support her every step of the way, and would be there whenever she needed them, but it wasn't the same. She couldn't curl up in their arms, and count on them to be next to her in her bed every time she had a nightmare. She hoped Nick would be there like Cassidy was, but she didn't know exactly how Nick felt about her in that way, but if she made it out alive, she would definitely need to lean on him, heavily. Olivia returned her gaze to the ceiling above her, and contemplated if it was all worth it, and how much she would be willing to suffer.

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**Please let me know if you liked this chapter or not, and leave a review! Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm so sorry for the long wait! This story is hard for me to write, and I don't want to force myself, because it won't turn out any good. But enough with the excuses, here is the next chapter!**

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"You let me go, and I'll make sure this all goes away. Trust me, I would forever be in debt to you if you helped me."

"No, quit trying to deal, I don't trust you. I chose you for a reason, I know you're gonna give me the challenge of my life, and I'm up for it. But there's not much you can do while cuffed to the bed now, is there?" Jack said, getting closer to her as he spoke.

"It's not just me you have to worry about. The entire NYPD will hunt you down."

"Yeah, I know, you're partner, your squad, you already told me. But they haven't found you yet, have they? Let's enjoy this time we have together, and not think about the future, assuming there is one for you." He said with a laugh, obviously not feeling threatened.

Jack left the room, and Olivia jumped at the door slamming behind him. She once again tried pulling at her restraints, but it wasn't budging. She pulled harder and harder, becoming more aggressive, but it was no use. It was destroying her wrists and her good arm. She finally let herself rest, feeling helpless in her situation. Her mind told her it was impossible, and to just give up. But her heart and body continued to fight, it wouldn't allow her to give up just yet. Olivia was a fighter, Jack couldn't take that away.

She allowed her eyes to scan across the wall covered in blood stains. She could vividly see each victim pleading for him to end their life, accepting the bullet with relief in that horrifying, dark room. The thought was terrifying, the thought that she was going to experience the same horrifying acts that made them beg him to end their life. She would have to endure them, or die.

* * *

Nick's phone started to ring on his desk, and he grabbed it angrily. "Amaro." He said in the phone, but he was anxious to hang up to begin his search for Olivia.

"_Um, Nick?_" He heard from the other end.

"Who is this?" He asked, hearing the young girl's voice.

"_My name is Layla. I- he left his phone in here. I can't talk for very long. You have to help me._" He could hear her voice cracking as she spoke in panic.

"Where are you?" Nick asked calmly, as he waved for somebody to trace the call.

"_I'm in a room, I don't know where. Olivia told me to call you. Just before she passed out. You need to come._"

"Olivia? She's with you? Where are you?" He questioned.

"_I already told you I don't know. Please you need to find us before Jack comes back. But please, just come. We'll be fine as long as you come as fast as you can. You have to help us._"

"I will. Just stay calm. I'll be right there."

"_The phone is about to die. I have to go._" And then she was gone. Nick looked over at Fin who was watching for a location.

"We got it." Fin said. "What was that about?"

Nick didn't answer. He was too caught up in his thoughts to even hear Fin. He looked over at the screen, and saw where the location was, but it was south, and they had always thought Jack held them up north. He scribbled down the address with his hand trembling, making the letters all run together, and made illegible to everyone but him.

"What's going on?" Fin asked, noticing something was obviously up.

"I just got a call... A girl said she was with Olivia, and Jack…" He couldn't finish the sentence.

"So, we got 'em." Fin said, and pulled out his phone.

"Yeah." Nick said in shock, still thinking it seemed too good to be true.

"Let's go." Fin said, and the two of them headed out the door with Murphy and Amanda following close behind them.

* * *

"NYPD OPEN THE DOOR!" Nick yelled while pounding on the door. There was no answer, and they broke down the door, and everyone filed in. Nick's heart was racing, and sweat was dripping as his knuckles turned to white as he gripped his gun tightly while he searched the house for Olivia. He searched the rooms, but no sign of her anywhere. When he got to the last room, he opened the dresser, he started tearing the room apart looking for her, hoping to find her hiding somewhere, but he had no luck. He ended up destroying the room, and any evidence that could've possibly been in there.

Murphy finally came in, and pulled Nick outside of the house. They stood in the backyard as everyone searched the inside. "Amaro, she's not here. You destroying everything is by no means going to change that."

"I have to find her, before he does anything! You and I both know what he's capable of! I know what you're gonna say, I know she can survive this, but she shouldn't have to!"

"Nobody should have to. Keep your head in it, if you don't, that's one less person we have to look for her. We can't afford to lose you." Murphy said sternly, and he walked back inside the house.

After Murphy had left, Nick stood alone in the backyard. He was about to reluctantly walk in the house, but he heard something. He turned around, but saw nothing. His heart started racing as horrifying images passed through his mind, and he imagined what condition Olivia may be in if he were to find her. He walked slowly toward the edge of the yard, where the noise was coming from. He looked behind a bush, and found a girl. She was curled up behind the bush, looking fragile, and broken. Nick kneeled beside her, his first thought was Layla. "Hey, hey. Layla?"

* * *

Small. Dark. Dirty. The smell was a mixture of blood and sweat, and the cuffs were pinching, tight. The floor was scratchy and rough. There was absolutely no light being let in. The dirt road made the car bounce at every small pebble, making the ride in the trunk more uncomfortable. The ride was long. Jack finally got out of his car, and opened the trunk. The light poured onto the once completely black space. Jack smiled as he looked into the trunk, proud of what he had just done. "Come on." Jack said, and stared at the unconscious person lying in his trunk; tied up and helpless. Jack laughed at the sight. "It doesn't look like you're gonna save her after all."

The brightness faded to black as Jack's gun made contact with his skull.

* * *

She peaked out from behind the bush, and there was no one. She stood up, and walked out from behind the bush, and wiped the tears from her face. Before she ran away, she heard a noise coming from the inside of the house. The doorknob rattled, and she shook with fear. She saw a figure step out from the doorway, and she darted back for the bush.

"Hey, Amaro, you out here?" Fin yelled. He heard a noise from the bush, and knew someone was out there. He drew his gun, knowing something was off. Fin followed the noise, leading him to the bush, and he saw a scared girl curled up behind it. Fin kneeled down beside the bush while yelling "Call a bus!" He still didn't see Nick, and started to wonder what was happening. "Hey, hey, what happen?"

"H-he, I was..."

"It's okay, take your time."

"H-he took him."

Fin's eyes widened. "Who? Who took him? Who did he take?" He asked, but she didn't respond before falling limp. "Call a bus! We need a bus over here!" Fin yelled, and tried to awaken the young girl who he had moved to his lap. Rollins came running back with two paramedics, they both rushed over to the girl immediately. Fin stood up, and allowed the paramedics to do their job. "Have you seen Amaro?" He asked Rollins.

"No, not since Murphy pulled him out of the house." She replied, then her eyes widened. "Why? Do you think something... happen?"

"Murphy pulled Amaro out back, Murphy came back, Amaro never did. All I got from the girl was, 'he took him.'"

"I'll call Nick." Rollins said, and she pulled out her cell, and dialed Nick's number. The phone rang four times, then went to his voicemail. "Nick, I need you to call me. I need to know if everything's alright." She said, then hung up. She let out a sigh, and looked to Fin who was looking at her letting her know it couldn't mean good for Nick. Rollins couldn't find the words to speak. She followed Fin into the house without even processing her movements.

Fin found Murphy in the crowded house, full of CSU and the paramedics trying to get the girl through, along with all the cops and detectives there, all trying to see what the fuss was all about. Fin stood by Murphy, and said without getting his attention first, "Nick could possibly be missing."

"What?" Murphy spun around to meet Fin in the eye. "Let's take this outside, where I can hear you better." He said, leading the detectives outside. He hoped he had heard wrong, he hoped it wasn't true, but the look on Fin and Rollins' face told him otherwise. Fin confirmed what Murphy thought he had heard. He let out a heavy breath. He was down to only two detectives now, which meant they would move a lot slower, and Nick and Olivia would have to be gone for that much longer. That is, assuming they were kidnapped by the same person, if not, it would be near impossible for three people to work two cases at once, and find both of them before the clock ran out.

* * *

Olivia flinched to the sound of the door opening, she looked to the side, and watched as Jack lugged in an unconscious body with him. At first she was unsure of who this other person was, she didn't know what Jack was trying to do. But then she realized who he was carrying. "Nick." She whispered. She immediately regretted saying his name out loud, and she hoped Jack hadn't heard, but he had.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you think he was coming to save you? Doesn't look like he's gonna do that. Maybe next time." Jack said with a smile. He then chained both of Nick's ankles, and sat him down in the chair by the bed. Jack looked at the two of them. Olivia hadn't taken her eyes from Nick since he had arrived, and Nick still unconscious. Jack smiled at the sight. "I'll be back soon. Don't have too much fun without me." He said with a laugh, and exited the room.

Olivia lay unable to move much, with her wrists still chained above her. She stared at Nick, she didn't want him to wake up. She wanted him to sleep through this whole thing, and wake up after he was rescued. She didn't want him to see her so weak, she was already weak, and Jack hadn't even began what he had in store for her. But also, seeing Nick gave her a new motivation to keep going, to suffer through it another day. At the same time, she thought she could just say all her goodbyes to Nick, and she could give up if it got too bad. She wasn't at that point yet, but she knew she should have a plan ready, just in case.

Olivia still stared at Nick, it pained her to see him there, to see him be brought into this. She also felt relief. He was sure to offer some sort of comfort that she was sure she would need, but she didn't know if she would be able to accept it. She didn't want him to be here, to watch her suffer, she felt ashamed, and did not want Nick to see her like that. There was so many emotions running through her, so many mixed feelings. Her head was pounding, and tears started to form in her eyes. They were about to pour over. Then, Nick slowly blinked his eyes open. The tears fell, and she let out a gasp.

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**So, please let me know what you thought! Sorry again for the long wait, reviews always help me update faster so, you know what to do! I hope you liked this chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here is the next chapter!**

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**Olivia's POV**

"Nick?" I hardly whispered, I could barely hear it myself, and it took me by surprise when he responded to me.

"Liv." He said, barely opening his eyes, then just enough to see me lying there.

It was humiliating. There was nothing I could do, I was helpless, tears were rapidly flowing from my eyes at this point, and he just looked at me. He continued to stare so, I had to look away. I didn't want him seeing me breaking, weak, even though he had been the first one on the scene both times after Lewis, he had seen me broken, but not breaking. There was a difference, a big one. Both were humiliating, but I couldn't stand to let anyone watch the process of me breaking down in front of them, they would never look at me in the same way again. For all of my career I had been working toward earning their trust and respect as a female working a 'man's job.' Then Harris happen, that crushed me. Then Lewis, that destroyed me. Now Jack? I was going to be the laughing stock of the entire NYPD, they were all going to see me as a victim, as someone who could _never_ hold their own when faced with a predator. No one would ever trust me again, the third time's the charm, and this one would consume me. Even if I were to somehow survive, there wouldn't be anything left of me.

I managed to turn my gaze to meet Nick's once again, and he gave me a look of utter confusion. He didn't know what was going on, and quite frankly, neither did I, but I pretended to, and tried to portray some confidence, and maybe Nick would tell the others how strong I seemed when he was finally out of this place. "Nick. We're going to be alright. We're partners, we can do anything together, including break out of this place." I said, trying to convince the both of us there was hope.

Nick looked me straight in the eye as he said the next thing, and that's how I knew he was really telling the truth and not just trying to make me feel better. "I'm glad you're my partner, Liv. I couldn't do it with anyone else." He looked down, breaking the eye contact. "I'm sorry you're here." He said, telling me I didn't deserve this again.

This reduced me to a puddle of tears. I could not stop crying at his kind words, I tried, but the tears wouldn't stop. He gave me the biggest compliment anyone could while looking me straight in the eye, and my already weakened heart shattered that much more. A small pathetic little, "thank you," was all I was able to say. My tears did the talking for me, Nick knew how much his words meant.

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**Jack's POV**

I sat in the front of the house, and I thought about how I would break these detectives. They would know what was coming, and were expecting the worst. They had studied me, and they wished they knew all the details about me, well I'm gonna give them their wish. But I had to plan something extra special. I think Olivia enjoyed her little surprise, the look on her face was priceless, I will never forget it for as long as I live. I couldn't wait to run back in there, and be with her again, but I had to let her think, let them both think, allow their surroundings to set in. If I didn't, they may go numb, and block this special time from their memory. I didn't want her, or him, to give up quickly, and so I invented new rules to my little game. That's all this was, just a game. So far, I was winning.

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**Amanda's POV**

I wanted a break, an escape. I wanted to gamble. I needed an escape from reality. Who knew if any of us were going to be next? Nick and Olivia were strong, but me... I wouldn't last a day. I was terrified for myself, and for Fin and Murphy. I wouldn't be able to handle another one of us going missing. Fin walked into the cribs just in time to save me from my thoughts. "Girl's awake in the hospital."

"Okay, okay, yeah. I'll talk to her." I said, and I left for the hospital.

When I arrived at the hospital, I was immediately taken back to her room. She turned to look at me when I entered, I could see fear on her face, but there was something else in her eyes. Something didn't feel right. I still went on as if everything was normal, it was normal. I had no evidence to be convinced otherwise. "Hey, honey. I'm Detective Rollins, can you tell me your name?" I asked.

"Layla." She said, looking away from me.

"Layla, can you tell me what happen?"

"It's my fault. I-I called him. I didn't know Jack was around the corner. He took Olivia with him, I ran, but I didn't get far. I barely got out of the house. He came back, and I hid. He didn't seem interested in me, he went for the guy cop instead."

"Nick? What was he doing? What did Jack do?" I asked, anxiously raising my voice.

"He was trying to help me, Jack came up behind him. He drugged him, then dragged him to the neighbor's backyard. I don't know what happen after that."

My heart started pounding, I thought maybe this could be it, maybe that was where he had been holding them. "Is that where Jack has them?" I asked anxiously.

"Maybe. Actually, I think the neighbor might be helping him out. It makes since, right?"

I thought about it for a few seconds, then I left the hospital, practically running out of there. I called Murphy and Fin on my way out of the hospital, and headed back over to the house.

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**Olivia's POV**

"Nick, if I don't make it..." I started, then drew in a shaky breath. I didn't look at him, I needed to get this out, before Jack came back. "Just... tell everyone I love them, and they are the best family I've ever had, or could ever ask for. You included."

"Liv..." He said, and shook his head.

"Nick, please. Just promise me you'll tell them. Tell them I fought as hard as I could, and I couldn't do it again. And I'm sorry." I told Nick. I knew he didn't want to hear it, but I had to say it.

He shook his head, "Liv, no. Anything you want to tell them, you can tell them yourself. Okay? You're going to survive."

Tears flooded down my face. "Nick please, just promise me, promise me if I don't get to, you will. I promise I will fight as hard as I can, but I just need to know you will do as I ask if I don't make it."

"You will make it. I'm not worried about that, Liv. You are so strong, you're a fighter."

Just when I was about to speak, I heard footsteps, then the doorknob rattled, and I knew it was Jack returning. My heart skipped a beat, and I jumped to look over to the door. I hoped for Fin, Amanda, Murphy, anyone but Jack even though I knew I would only be let down.

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**Fin's POV**

We were out looking for this sick son of a bitch. 'Manda said she had gotten a lead from the girl at the hospital. So, we were driving to the neighboring house, but I was doubtful this son of a bitch would be anywhere near that neighborhood after we tore that house to scraps looking for Liv. I figured he was hauling ass trying to get outta this country. If he had any sort of brain matter, that's what he would be doing. He should know that if he so much as laid a hand on my Liv, I would slice his balls up until there was nothing left of them, of him. He would never hurt her, or anyone else after I was done with him. I could promise you that. We walked up to the house he was suspected to be in, and I knocked at the door. We waited for a few moments for a woman to answer the door, it definitely wasn't Jack. "Can I help you?" She asked us. I wanted to push my way through, and rip the house apart looking for Liv and Nick, but I managed to control myself.

"Detectives Tutuola and Rollins. We have a couple questions, would you mind?" I asked while taking a step forward, waiting for her to invite me in the house.

She took a step back. "No, come on in."

She didn't have to ask us twice, we were already seated in the living room of her house. The house smelled rotten, like there was a sick, twisted-minded person living in it. I wanted to search through more of the house. "Hey, I gotta take a piss. Where's the restrooms?" I asked. Rollins gave me a look that let me know I was being unprofessional, but I wasn't thinking straight. I said what I was thinking. The lady didn't seem to mind my unprofessionalism, and directed me to the restrooms.

"Just down the hall to the right, then to the left."

"Thank you." I said, and I practically ran out of there. I needed to have snooping time. But as soon as I left the living room, I heard voices. At first I didn't know where the hell they were coming from, but then I listened closer, and I could tell... the basement.

"_Please, please._" I heard when I listened closely. It sounded like... Liv? My heart pounded out of my chest. She could be in the next room. I didn't have any time to waste if I wanted to find her. I had to act now. I tried the doorknob, and to my surprise it was unlocked, and I swung open the door. The sight before me was horrifying, and I would not soon forget it.

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**Please review, and let me know if you liked this chapter! I already have most of the next chapter written, so the update should be fairly quick, but you have to let me know if you liked it! Please tell me how you liked the first person, I'm really interested to see if you liked it.**


	5. Chapter 5

**So, I've decided to write this in first person, it's a lot easier for me to write that way, and that means I can update faster! Then everyone is happy! Yay! Please read this cautiously, you know you're limits. You have been warned!**

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**Olivia's POV**

Jack walked in with a huge smile on his face that sent chills down my spine. "Hey, didn't I promise I'd be back soon?" Jack asked. Nick stood from the chair, I wasn't sure what he was trying to do since his ankle was chained up, and there wasn't much he could do, except make him mad. "What do you think you're doing, Nick?" Jack asked. "If you think you're going to try to escape, I'd think twice about that. I'll just kill her. Then, I'll kill you, and go find myself another girl, maybe one younger. But you don't want that, and neither do I, I like you guys." He sat on the bed next to me. He started stroking my hair, I pulled back out of reflex. "Aww, don't be shy." He said.

"No, Jack, please. Just leave me alone." I asked, I knew where he was going with this, and he couldn't do this with Nick right next to me. He couldn't. Could he? I closed my eyes for two seconds, and I felt his lips on mine. I tried to scream, but I was muted by his lips.

Then, I heard a thud, and I felt his head knock mine, and his weight shifted. I opened my eyes to see what was happening. I opened them just in time to see Jack throw a punch at Nick. Nick stumbled back a little, but regained this balance quickly. For an instant I was hopeful, I thought maybe Nick would get us out of here. Then, as Nick came at him, with a look in his eyes that he would be showing Jack no mercy; Jack pulled his gun, and dug the cold, hard muzzle of his gun into my chin. I thought he was going to shoot, and I knew he would if Nick punched Jack again. As much as I wanted him to fight for us, I wanted to live. I gave Nick a look of utter fear, I couldn't help it, one little spasm of Jack's muscle would send a cold piece of metal ripping through my brain sending me to eternal darkness. Nick's fist neared closer to Jack, and he tightened his hand holding the gun. Nick quickly drew his arm back, earning Jack a smile. "That's what I thought. Now, sit in the seat, and Don't. Look. Away." He said sadistically, and I knew it was coming. He tucked his gun away once Nick sat down, and he resumed kissing me. I closed my eyes, and tried to pull away, but it did no good. I felt a hard hand make contact with the side of my face. "Don't! Look! Away!" Jack yelled. I thought he was talking to me at first, but then I looked over to Nick with his head turned away. His strong hand met my face again. "LOOK AT HER!" Jack screamed at Nick.

I could tell Nick was trying to keep it together as he made eye contact with me. I nodded at him, trying to be strong for him, but failing. I tried to let him know it was okay, I could handle it if he wanted to look away. The truth was, I was about to break, and I did not want Nick to see, I looked into his eyes because, I didn't know if I would ever be able to, after this. I took a deep breath, and squeezed my eyes shut, and focused on surviving the night.

Jack's hands were rough. They brushed against my face, and held my head between them. They moved down to the buttons of my shirt, and he started undoing the buttons. My breathing became erratic, panicked. He couldn't get the sleeves off, but that didn't stop him. He pulled out a pocket knife. He broke the thread of my shirt, and bra with it, and a little of the skin underneath, until I was completely free from it. It hurt me, but it was bearable, and I could feel Nick's eyes remain on me although, I knew he was struggling. "What happen Sergeant? Did someone get here before me?" Jack asked, obviously noticing the scars Lewis had left. The burn marks, the only trace of Lewis still on me. "I can only imagine what your squad must be thinking now... twice." _Three times _I corrected him in my mind, but I didn't dare say it aloud. "Well, I guess I'll just have to make sure I'm more... memorable." He searched for the right word. He undid my belt, and threw it across the room, he undid the button on my pants, and pulled the zipper down. Then, held my pants and underwear in his hands as he scooted them down my legs, and I could feel any dignity I had going down with them. He stripped me from my clothing until there was nothing left. I saw out of the corner of my eye, Nick look away, and I felt Jack's fist punch the side of my cheek. He was getting more aggressive. "QUIT LOOKING AWAY!" He shouted, and I could feel a drop of his spit hit me in the face. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. His hands were exploring my exposed body. He leaned in for another kiss while grabbing both my breasts with his hands. I thought my heart would've pounded out of my chest.

I looked over to Nick, it wasn't on purpose, but as soon as I looked at him I felt relief. His eyes were red and puffy, and tears threatening to spill at any second. I had never seen him so defeated, so helpless, so scared. It was surprisingly comforting, it let me know I didn't have to be strong for him, and I let myself sink. I sank into a stream of tears. They wouldn't stop. I kept trying to be strong, to stop the tears, but they wouldn't stop, and neither would Jack. After his fingers had explored every inch of my skin, he moved his hands to my legs, and spread them apart disregarding my protest. He moved his fingers up my leg until he was between them, then I felt him slowly move a finger inside of me, then another, then another, then he had his whole hand inside of me, and he was pushing himself in with his other hand. Nothing could ever be more humiliating than that, or so I thought. I kept my eyes closed as I felt Nick staring at me, and I could feel Jack moving around inside of me. The tears seeped through the corners of my eyes, and ran down into my hair.

_NO NO NO! _Jack found my weak spot. He barely started to rub me there, and my back started to arch. _NO STOP! Why are you giving him this satisfaction!? He is going to use this against you! _I thought, and I tried to control myself, but I couldn't. He had complete control over my body, and I felt so helpless, so weak. _Why does Nick have to be here?_ I made the mistake of opening my eyes as I felt him pulling his hand out. I saw his hand covered in my juices that he started licking off his hand. I closed my legs immediately.

"Want some?" He asked, and showed his hand to Nick. "Or, you can always get some yourself..." He said motioning to me.

I made another mistake by looking at Nick. I could tell he was so close to breaking, he was going to snap, and Jack was going to kill the both of us. He wasn't looking at my eyes anymore, he was looking in my direction, but slightly above me, and his eyes were distant. I could tell his mind was in a different place, and he was trying to remove himself from this. I wished I could do that, but it was all so real, I tried to think about something else, but Jack's violating touch brought me right back.

Once Jack had licked his hand clean, he unzipped his pants and took himself out. "I've waited far too long for this. Spread your legs." He demanded. He was going to make me torture myself again. I couldn't do this. I couldn't comply to his orders. "Spread them!" He shouted. I couldn't. He looked at Nick. "Do you want him to help you?" He asked me.

The thought of that terrified me. It was humiliating enough to have Nick watching, but to have him participate was an entirely different form of torture. I wouldn't allow that. "No, I'll do it. Okay."

"HURRY UP!" He shouted. I flinched at his words. I couldn't. I couldn't do this without fighting him on it, I had to fight. "You got two seconds to spread your legs, bitch!" He shouted. More tears fell. I tried, but it was like my legs were in concrete, they wouldn't move, knowing his violation would be sure to follow. Then, all of a sudden his gun was at my chin again, and he looked at Nick. "Open them, or she dies." He said simply. Nick froze, I could tell he was trying to convince himself it was right, but he knew there wasn't a right choice.

No, I couldn't let Nick do that, I couldn't put him through that. He would blame the entire rape on himself, and I couldn't let that happen. "DO IT NOW!" Jack yelled when Nick didn't move.

Nick stood up without looking at me. He took one step toward the bed, and I quickly spread my legs. Jack's demented smile was bigger than I had ever seen. "Oh, now you decide to listen?" He said, and he got in his position on the bed. He placed his knees on my thighs, and then pushed himself inside me. I let out a long scream, until he crashed his lips on mine. It didn't take long before I felt him come inside of me, and his seed spill into me. "No, Jack. Stop. Please." I didn't care I was begging. It hurt so bad. "Please. Ow." I begged, but he continued to show me no mercy, and he came harder, and moving his hips wildly as he thrust himself in me over and over again.

"Yeah Olivia! You're so perfect baby! You're one of the best I've ever done!"

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**Nick's POV**

I couldn't feel anything. I had gone completely numb, I was supposed to be protecting my partner, but instead I was watching her be raped by this monster. He was showing no mercy, and I couldn't look away, or she would be beaten. I watched Olivia's face turn to something I'd never seen in her before, defeat. I had always seen her as so strong, even after Lewis, she was strong, but I saw something different in her now. Don't get me wrong, she is still incredibly strong, a whole lot stronger than me. I kept my eyes on her face not wanting, or able, to bring my eyes any lower than that. Her scream could've shattered glass, and I guess my heart was made of glass because it shattered. I watched her face cringe, and her eyes squeeze shut at every thrust, and each time it broke my heart more and more. "Ow." She would say, or just wince in pain. I wanted to kill Jack, and I would thoroughly enjoy it if I did. If I had the chance, I would. _Nobody_ hurts my partner like that. I kept my eyes glued to Olivia, and watched the stream of tears running down her face. It made me want to cry, but I couldn't. I was the man, I had to be strong for her, and I couldn't let Jack see me cry. There was no way in hell I would let Jack see me cry.

Jack started to go harder, and faster, I could see him out of the corner of my eye, and I could also tell by Olivia's face. He started yelling "yeah, come baby come!" I wanted to close my eyes, the pain on her face could've made my heart stop beating.

"Stop. Stop. Please, I can't." She whispered. Her voice sounded so weak, defeated. I couldn't watch. After fighting it as hard as she could for a while, I saw her try to prevent Jack from gaining control of her body as he forced her into another orgasm. I couldn't watch this. I took my eyes off her.

_Slap. Thud. _

I looked back quickly. Jack had his fist raised, and ready to punch her again if I looked away. She looked over at me, and we made eye contact for a second, but then she looked away. Was she mad at me? I couldn't tell with her expression, I had never seen it before. She closed her eyes, and braced herself for his intrusion. It came. He forced himself in her a few more times before she lay motionless on the filthy, dirty mattress. I could still see Jack going in the corner of my eye, but Olivia was no longer responding to it. "Hey! Give her a break! You've already raped her unconscious!" I said, my voice shook a lot, but it was the best effort at trying to keep my authority I had in me.

"Shut the hell up!" _Slap. _

I knew he wasn't messing around, and I watched her still face as he continued his relentless assault on her.

After who knows how many hours, Jack finally lifted himself off of Olivia, and zipped up his pants. "Make sure she knows I'll be back for more. I really enjoyed her." He said, before leaving.

He was gone, and I completely broke. I started crying, how could I let him do this to her? My guilt started to consume me, but I quickly snapped out of it, and realized the only thing I could do is help her get through this, and think of an escape plan.

I looked down at Olivia. She lay with her body fully exposed, still in the position Jack had last placed her in. Her legs were spread wide, and everything was exposed for whoever may enter to be able to see. If someone were to come in and rescue us, I would not want them to see Olivia in the position she was currently in. She was asleep, but she didn't look calm, I wanted to help. She was my partner. I got up from my chair, and took a seat next to her on the bed. I moved her legs so they were together, and crossed at her ankles. Her skin was ice cold. Then, I took off my own jacket, and placed it on the top of her. It covered her torso and one fourth of her legs. I tear slipped from my eye as I stared at her lying helpless, defeated. It broke my heart, I had never seen Liv this way before. I brushed her tangled and matted hair from her face, and stared at her face. "You're so beautiful, Liv. There's no way he could take that away." I said aloud, and her eyes started to flutter open.

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**So, pretty intense chapter right? Any thoughts? I promise I'll let you know what Fin saw in the next chapter, but until then, please let me know what you thought of this chapter!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Picking up where I left off in chapter 4!**

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**Fin's POV**

_"Please, please.__" I heard when I listened closely. It sounded like... Liv? My heart pounded out of my chest. She could be in the next room. I didn't have any time to waste if I wanted to find her. I had to act now. I tried the doorknob, and to my surprise it was unlocked, and I swung open the door. The sight before me was horrifying, and I would not soon forget it._

What I saw was two young girls with an older man I assumed to be their dad. All of them were completely naked, and there was a camera sitting on a tripod in the corner. "HEY HEY! GET AWAY FROM THEM! GET YOUR HANDS UP!" I shouted so anyone within the city who had ears would be able to hear me. It must've worked because, seconds later Rollins was by my side, and then instantly ran over to the girls and assured them they were safe. I ran over and handcuffed the 'dad' if you even wanted to call him one. I cuffed him, and dragged his naked ass out of that room without giving a damn that he didn't have clothes on when I took him out of the house. I shoved him in the patrol car that was on standby while we were in the house. I saved the questioning for later at Rollins' request. I guess she didn't want me to beat the crap outta him before I gave him a chance to speak, and that's exactly what I had planned to do. Instead, I rode to the precinct to question him. It was a painfully long car ride knowing Nick and Olivia were still out there, and I could be wasting my time with him. I needed answers and fast before their time ran out.

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**Olivia's POV**

I waited to open my eyes. I felt a hand brush my messy hair from my face, and I knew it was Nick. He was so gentle with me. I needed him, I needed his protection. I couldn't tell him everything I was going through even though he was watching the entire time, he didn't know half of what I was feeling. Sometime during the assault, I was unable to hold it in any longer, and I stained the mattress a deeper yellow than it already was. I don't think, at least I hope, Nick hadn't ever noticed. When he brought my legs together, he placed them in the large puddle between them, and the back of my legs were soaked. It was a mixture of my own blood and urine, but I was glad Nick respected me enough to not leave me lying there as Jack had. There was nothing I could do to make Nick un-see what he had, but the only thing I could do, was make it not seem as bad, and act strong for him. I didn't think I could open my eyes. The pain surging through my body told me not to move, but then I heard Nick's words. "You're so beautiful, Liv. There's no way he could take that away." I had to look at him, I knew he needed me to, I needed to.

When I opened my eyes, there was a split second of shock, then quickly replaced with relief on his face. "Hey, Liv, Liv. It's okay, he's gone. It's just us."

He was so concerned about me. I closed my eyes again, and let the tears seep through the corners of my eyes. I opened my eyes again to the same look of compassion, and his gentle touch upon my hand. "What's wrong?" He asked me. I shook my head, trying to avoid the question. "Liv, you can tell me. What is it? What are you thinking about?"

"It hurts so bad Nick. Everywhere, not just on the outside." My heart hurt. I had been shown nothing but cruelty for the past several hours, and I just needed Nick to show me a little kindness to get me through. I knew he was filled with nothing but kindness toward me, and he was what I needed to help me survive another day.

He looked as if he was about to cry. "Please tell me how I can help."

"Be gentle." Was all I said, I didn't need anything more from him. What I really wanted to say was, 'lie down next to me, and hold me in your arms, make me feel safe, and tell me he is never coming back, and if he does, you'll kill him.' But I didn't dare say it. I grabbed his hand that was holding mine, and it felt nice. My hands were still chained above my head, and I was glad it hadn't made a difference. He still made an effort to hold my hand. It was the safest place to hold a- a victim, as I had become. I felt like a victim.

"Are you okay? Are you cold?" That was his main concern. He had given me his jacket, and he wanted to make sure I was as comfortable as I possibly could be. He didn't want to make me suffer any more than I already was. His concern was sweet, but the damage had already been done.

"I'm fine." It was all I managed to say without my voice cracking and shaking all over the place.

"I know you're not, because I'm not. And-"

I cut him off. "Nick, I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Don't let him do that to you. I can handle it, just get us out of here. I don't think I would be any help with my arms chained up, but if we can think of a plan, I'll do what I can. Just please don't focus on what he's doing."

"How are you so strong?" He asked, admiringly.

"I have you." It was the truth, though I didn't believe it. I would've been sobbing pathetically if it weren't for Nick to help take my mind off everything. I didn't feel a bit strong, I felt weaker than I ever had in my life.

He smiled weakly and shook his head. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." I said, and I tried to shift in the bed. It was difficult because, I didn't want his jacket to fall or to move my legs to move too far from the puddle, but at the same time I needed them out of the puddle.

Nick saw me struggling. "Do you need help?"

"I got it." I said, and I shifted my legs to the side of the bed opposite of Nick. I uncrossed my legs, trying to relieve some of the pain. I felt a rush of blood that had been waiting to fall, pour down onto the mattress below me. Tears rushed from my eyes, and I started to sob. I was shaking, and crying. Jack had stolen everything from me, and Nick had watched as it all happen. I couldn't take this. I wanted to shrivel down, and shrink into nothing. I stopped caring about everything, and I allowed Nick to watch me fall apart. It was the only way I could get the comfort I so desperately needed.

"Liv..." He said, not wanting me to break, but I couldn't help it. Sobs escaped my lips, and I felt Nick's weight on the bed.

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**Amanda's POV**

After waiting for an hour in the hospital, the nurse asked me to come in the younger girl's room. She was only five. When I got in the room, the girl was in the corner of the room, hiding from everyone. "Hey, what's going on? Can you tell me your name sweetheart?" I asked, kneeling down to be level with her.

"Amber." She said quietly.

"That's a real pretty name. Can you tell me what a pretty girl like you could be so afraid of?"

"Daddy."

"What did he do?" I asked, even though I already knew, and I didn't want to hear it.

"He, he took all my clothes off. And he... he made me smile for the camera. I did everything he told me to." She sobbed.

"What did he tell you to do?" I asked softly.

"I had to, I had to lay on the bed. He, he..." She trailed off.

"Amber?" She jumped at the sound of my voice. "Amber, Amber, it's okay. Listen to me, listen to me honey." I hated myself for having to convince her to do this that would surely re-traumatize her, and make her even more scared. "I need you to sit back up on the bed okay?" I reached out for her, and she took my hand. I helped her over to the bed, and still held her hand as she sat. "Now, the nurse is going to do a couple tests, okay? It will help us catch the man who did this to you. Alright?" She nodded, and I let out a breath I wasn't aware I had been holding in.

The nurse who had been waiting at the entrance stepped inside the room. "Will you be staying for that exam?" She asked me.

I looked over at Amber. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Can you get my mom?"

"I'll see what I can do." I said, and walked out to make some calls. We didn't know if she had knowledge of what her husband was doing to her kids in the basement. It seemed like it would be impossible for her not to know, but she swore she didn't. When she heard Fin's voice from the basement she acted just as surprised as me. She was hard to read, but we couldn't find any evidence proving she knew about any of it.

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**Nick's POV**

I thought she was holding up well, it was surprising to me how well she seemed to be doing. I knew she was hurting inside, but I also know she's tough. Once she started shaking and sobbing, I lost it. I couldn't see her hurt like this. I was doing everything I could to help her, make it a little easier on her, and to see her breakdown showed me how hard this truly was on her. I wished I wasn't there, I thought it might be easier for her if she were on her own. I heard her sobs, and I needed to help her, I couldn't just watch her breakdown, that's what Jack wanted me to do. "Liv." I said, and I sat down on the bed next to her. I wasn't sure that she'd want me there, but I sat there anyway. "Liv, you are so strong. He's not worth it, Liv, he's not worth these tears. You're stronger than him. Liv?" I said, and she tried to sniffle the tears back, and looked up at me. The pain in her eyes could tell a story of its own. I placed my hands on her cheeks, and wiped her tears away with my thumbs.

"Thank you, Nick." She barely spoke, and sniffled back some more tears.

"Stay strong." It was all I was able to say, my voice was about to crack. I accidentally let a single tear slip from my eye.

Tears streamed from Olivia's eyes again. She closed them, and shook her head. "Please don't. Don't cry." She said in tears.

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**Please review! There's starting to be a little more Bensaro action going on now. Do you like it?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Read cautiously, yiu know your limits. Don't say I didn't warn you. So, here's the next chapter!**

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**Nick's POV**

I was starting to doze off myself. It was the first time I had even thought about closing my eyes since I had got there. Everything had been racing on my mind, and I hadn't even had a chance to think about sleeping. But Olivia had been passed out for a while, and Jack hadn't come to visit for some time now. It felt like maybe an hour, I had tried thinking of an escape plan, but my tired eyes soon started to close. Jack barged into the room as soon as I fell asleep. He set down a glass of water and a plate with one package of Ritz crackers. He looked over at Olivia, and walked over to the bed. He ripped the jacket from her, and threw it on the ground beside him. "You keep your clothes to yourself, or I can take yours too." He said, and walked out of the room.

I couldn't reach the jacket. The chain around my ankle kept me inches away from reaching my jacket. I decided to get the food instead. It was far away, and it was a little out of reach so, I laid on the floor, and reached my arms out to grab it, and I slowly pulled it in, careful not to spill any of it. Once I finally brought it back toward the bed, I decided to wake Olivia up. "Liv." I said softly, being careful not to startle her. She didn't respond. "Liv, come on, wake up, he gave us food and water. You need to have a little bit of it." I tried shaking her shoulder, but she still didn't wake up. "Olivia, you have to wake up!" I started to panic. "Olivia!" I shook her again, and her eyes barely opened. Her eyes widened immediately, and her heartbeat started to fasten. She noticed my jacket was gone. I needed to worry about that later, getting Olivia some of the water and crackers was most important in my mind. I could tell by her ghostly complexion that she was dehydrated and starving. I paid no attention to the fact that she was completely naked when I sat next to her on the bed, bringing her the food and water. She jumped a little, but I pretended not to notice.

I drank a little of the water first so that the cup wouldn't be as full as I brought it to her mouth. She took a tiny sip, and started choking. She coughed, and water spilled down the front of her chin. "I'm sorry." She cried. I knew it was because she felt bad for wasting the little amount of water we got.

"Don't be. Here, maybe if you sit up..." I said, and offered to help her sit. I held her back, and the bend of her knees, and sat her upright in the bed. It twisted her arms a little, but she said it didn't hurt her.

When I touched the bend of her knees my hand touched something wet and sort of sticky on the back, and I pretended not to notice. I glanced quickly, and I saw a mixture of blood, urine, and I'm guessing some seminal and vaginal fluids as well, judging by the strength of the orgasm he had forced her into. My heart sunk to my stomach, I could've killed him. I knew it was so humiliating for her, and I couldn't make it worse, I couldn't do that to her, so I pretended that I hadn't seen anything once again. I fed her the rest of the water, and gave her over half of the crackers as well. She only ate two of the crackers before she started to object. "I'm really not hungry. I can't eat any more than this."

"Okay, let me know if you want more."

She nodded, then closed her eyes and shifted uncomfortably. "Nick?"

"What is it?"

"Where's your jacket?" She asked, quietly. She was ashamed to ask, I could tell.

"When Jack came in to give us the food, he threw it on the ground beside you, and told me to keep my clothes to myself."

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**Fin's POV**

I gave him no time. As soon as he was out of that patrol car, he was in the interrogation room within seconds upon his arrival. I wasn't messing around. Nick and Olivia had no time for games right now. "Where are they? Where is Jack?" I yelled in his face. I was about to rip his damn head off, but I was interrupted by Murphy entering the room, I showed control on the outside, but there was no controlling what was going on in the inside.

"Jack? Who's Jack?" He asked. He didn't seem nervous over the mention of his name at all. That infuriated me. I needed answers, and I needed them now!

"You know damn well who Jack is! You helped him kidnap two SVU detectives, and two of my friends! You tell me where the hell he is, or I can beat your ass until you tell me! It's your choice!" I yelled in his face.

He stood from his chair, looking me in the eye. "I want a lawyer."

I was enraged. I was about to kick his sorry ass, but Murphy shoved me back by the shoulder, and stood between me and the suspect. "Go! To my office!" I had no choice, I had to leave. I wanted to get this son of a bitch so damn bad. If he was our man, and he was keeping them in another place, that meant the clock was running out, and fast. They could only survive three days maximum, that is assuming he left them healthy, and in a room with enough air.

Murphy walked into his office behind me, and slammed his door shut. "Do you want to tell me what the hell you think you were doing in there?"

"I was just trying to get through to this guy. He ain't gonna sympathize with nobody. You gotta show him you ain't gonna take his shit, and that's when he starts talking."

"He asked for a lawyer."

"I was gonna wait for one to get there before I continued."

"I saw that look on your face. Don't lie to me... Don't let your emotions get in the way of this case. We need you with your head in it."

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant." I apologized. I wasn't sorry for my actions, I was sorry he stopped me before I could do anything more.

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**Olivia's POV**

I looked to the floor beside me, and I saw the jacket lying there. It felt like a million miles away. I needed that jacket. Nick didn't seem to care I was sitting naked on the bed next to him, but he had just watched me be raped. I was certain he was just glad I was in a decent position, and not with my legs spread as far as they could go, and Jack yelling about how good it felt. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, and scooted as far down as I could. I was able to grasp the jacket fairly easily with my toes, and swing my leg over to Nick, and drop the jacket on his side. He picked up the jacket, and gently placed it over my cold body. Then, he helped me to sit back up as I had asked. "Nick." I said looking over at him. He looked into my eyes. "Can you hold me?" I asked. I needed his kindness, his love, his warmth. I felt so used, hated, I needed Nick to help me.

Nick was so sweet. He sat on the bed by my side. He placed one hand on my back, and lightly rubbed circles on my back. I felt a wave of calmness wash over me, and I was relaxed. I tried to rest my head on his shoulder, but it was just barely out of my reach. He moved slightly closer to me for me to rest my head on him. I felt relief, safe. His hand drew endless circles on my bare back. It was comforting, I wished I could stay like that until the team showed up to rescue us. For a moment I believed I could, I thought Nick could keep me safe. But I knew all good things must come to an end. This of course came to a terrifying dead end.

There were footsteps by the door, and Nick quickly drew his jacket from me. Jack appeared in the doorway, and held in his hand a brown bag. I knew what was in there. He had done this to his other victims. I couldn't do this, I couldn't make it. I shot Nick a terrified glance, but he had his eyes glued to Jack. "Nick." I whispered. He looked over to me. I was terrified, I started crying, and I shook my head. I couldn't do this.

Nick knew what I was trying to tell him, and held back tears of his own. He mouthed 'be strong' to me. I couldn't.

I would try holding on as long as I could, but once I broke, I would ask him to end it. For good. He started by undoing his pants, and took himself out. He pulled my feet so I was lying flat on my back. He climbed on the bed, and straddled my head. Placing it right above my lips. "Open up! And if you bite, both of you will be dead."

I couldn't do it. My jaw clenched shut. "Don't make me bring out the gun. I really don't want to fight you on this." _Slap._ _Smack. _Right across my face. "Are you seriously already looking away? We haven't even began the fun yet." Nick looked back at me, but I was focused on Jack. "Open your mouth." I still didn't listen. So, he pulled his gun, and aimed it directly for Nick's head. I opened my mouth, and he shoved himself in immediately. I chocked on him. "Gimme the best you got, and we'll move on." He said.

I tried halfway acting like it was consensual, not able to lower myself any further. "Aww, come on. You can do better than that! I know you can." I tried a different tactic, but he didn't seem to enjoy it. "That's old. I know you can do way better." I didn't want to go there, but after all my other attempts failing, I knew I had to. I needed him out of my mouth. I closed my eyes, and pretended I was doing the same as I did with Brian on special occasions. It always got Brian going wild, and I moved my tongue around Jack in the same way I had with Brian back when we were together. Jack went crazy. "Oh yes! Oh Olivia!" I felt his erection fill my mouth, and Jack pulled himself out, and I tried to spit, but he held my mouth shut. "Swallow, and I'll never make you do that again." I complied, seeing it was better than the alternative. "Good girl. You're one of the best Olivia. I have to give it to you, you really know how to get me going."

I looked away from him. He un did one of my wrists, and placed the cuff on the bedpost. "Get on all fours." He ordered.

When I took more than a second, he grabbed me, and turned me over. He was losing his patients, and that made things a million times worse. He entered me from behind. "AGH! OOOOOWW!" I screamed. I could feel more of my skin tearing. "Ahhh! Stop!" I was in tremendous pain, but he continued to worsen the pain by thrusting in again and again harder and harder. I saw black spots. I welcomed the darkness, but it was too late, Jack pulled off of me, and turned me over. I wasn't going to pass out. I wish I had, it would've spared me so much more pain, torture, and humiliation.

Jack turned me back onto my back, and pried open my legs as far as they would go. He teased my already damaged entrance. "Watch what I'm about to do." He said, but Nick's eyes were already on me. "Watch over here!" He said while stroking himself, and rubbing me. I looked over at Nick, and he looked down there. Jack entered mercilessly. _Slap. _ He opened his eyes, but only to close them a second later. _Smack. Thud. _Jack still continued to rub me while thrusting in and out. I could feel my body letting go. "Come on baby! Almost there! He almost forgot Nick wasn't watching. His fist met my face. Nick opened his eyes at the worst possible time. As my body let go, Jack was pulling out to unblock the vaginal fluids from escaping, and also urine tried to hide all the fluids. Blood was also rushing out in streams.

Nick squeezed his eyes shut. Tears seeped from the corners. _Smack. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. _Nick wouldn't open his eyes. Jack grew impatient, and pulled himself out of me, and replaced it with his gun. I felt his cold gun make its way to my entrance. Further, and further, and further. It was as far in as it would allow. "Nick." His eyes were glued. "Nick!" Jack moved his finger to the trigger. "NICK!" I started to panic. He started to squeeze the trigger. "NNIIIIIIIICCKK!" Darkness.

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**Well, that was intense. I honestly didn't expect it to be that bad, but wow! I apologize for the inhumanity of my actions. Please let me know your thoughts, good or bad. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Nick's POV**

I couldn't open my eyes, they were glued shut. I heard Olivia yell for me. My eyes shot open, but it was a second too late and a second too early. I saw Jack's finger tighten around the trigger. I heard a loud BANG! And Olivia's body became limp, blood spilled... from... her... there... I- she- Jack laughed. "I hope you learned a lesson, next time you do what I say." He walked out. I was hardly paying attention to anything. I couldn't think. Olivia had just been killed at my expense. I looked over at her lying there, the gun still inside of her. I pulled it out, I couldn't stand to see her like that. The gun was empty. Olivia barely opened her eyes, and I cradled her in my arms, and stroked her hair gently as she tried to keep her eyes open. "It's okay, Nick. I'm okay." She looked me in the eyes, letting me know she was okay with dying. But I wasn't! The great Sergeant Olivia Benson could not go down like that! I started to cry as she became heavier in my arms. "I love you Nick." She barely managed to whisper before her eyes closed, and her body became fully relaxed into mine.

"I love you too, Olivia." I said. I would never know if she heard those last words, but I would hold onto hers for the rest of my life.

"NNIIIIIIIICCKK!" I heard her scream pierce the air. It sounded desperate. My eyes shot open, and I looked where Jack wanted me to. It broke my heart, to see what she was going through. I wanted to look away with very fiber of my being I wanted to take at least a second to look away. I couldn't though, not after what I had just imagined. He had shoved his gun inside of her, and his finger was gripping the trigger. I stared, hoping with everything I had that he wouldn't pull the trigger. I saw his hand loosen, and his finger move off of the trigger. Olivia remained quiet and motionless the entire time, and I wanted to look at her face to see if she had passed out. I couldn't, not until he withdrew his gun from her. He took it out very slowly. Its ridges were covered in her blood and flesh. I wanted to puke. He tucked the gun in his pants without cleaning it, and I sneaked a look at her face that confirmed my suspicion that she had passed out.

Olivia barely started to come to. Jack still sat hovering over her. He smiled, and sat up, and got off the bed. I could tell she was relieved when he started to move away from her. He zipped up his pants, and patted the inside of her thigh. "I'll be back for more. Don't you worry sweetie." He smirked, and walked out.

It was dead silent in the room. I gave her my jacket again, and we sat in silence for a long while, neither of us being able to find any words.

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**Amanda's POV**

I was still at the hospital, and I was about to leave for the precinct when I decided to check up on Layla first. I heard her talking to someone, and I paused before I walked in. When I started to hear her conversation, I waited a while longer, listening to what she had to say.

"_No. They're not onto you at all. I told them about the neighbors, and they're distracted on that case now. You're name hasn't even come up since I mentioned them. Like, I feel bad we got them in trouble, but you know better him than us... Yeah, well I dunno, I'm not really into that kind of stuff. They're gonna find out about you eventually though. They wanna do a rape kit, and I dunno what to say. If I say yes, they'll find out I'm not who I say I am, and they can see I was never raped. If I say no, they'll be suspicious... No. No, I'm not gonna let you rape me just to save your ass from getting caught!_"

Their conversation went on, revealing more and more about them. I knew she was talking to Jack. This whole thing with the girls, it was all a trap to distract us from finding Nick and Olivia. I couldn't have been more disappointed in myself for falling for it. Jack still had the both of them, and 'Layla' knew where they were. Once she hung up the phone I gave her a few seconds, then walked into the room. "Hey, Layla. We need you to do the rape kit as soon as possible. I know this can be scary, but it will benefit the both of us." She chose her wording differently, after hearing the conversation she just had.

"What if I wasn't ever actually raped? He got really close, he beat the hell out of me, I know. But he never actually legit raped me."

"You still need to do this, if he left anything, anything at all, we'll find it."

"I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this."

"Listen, Layla, if that's even who you really are..." I was getting frustrated with her games. "We need this evidence, and if you don't agree to it; I'm gonna have to arrest you for accessory to kidnapping and rape. You'll leave me no choice but to assume you're helping him out." Of course, I knew she was really involved, and she would be charged no matter what, but I still needed the evidence to confirm my suspicions.

"Would you really arrest a victim? Wow. I thought you knew better than that, but apparently not. Go ahead and lock me up, I won't last an hour in jail."

"Well I'm not so sure about that." I said, and I placed the metal cuffs around her wrists. As soon as she was released from the hospital, I was going to transport her to the precinct myself, and so I did.

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**Jack's POV**

Man, Olivia was one sweet piece of ass. I could bang that up all day and night. I wanted to, but I thought I'd save that for last. The day before I let her leave, I would go all day and night until I couldn't no longer. They were mine. The cops were off chasing some other kid-raping guy, and I got to take my sweet time with these two. I was really looking forward to everything. I know I told her that everything was her choice, and when she wanted it to end, all she had to do was say so, but I loved her so much. I didn't think I could do that. I wanted this challenge. I had spent my entire career building up to this. All of the others had been mere child's play compared to this. I wanted her, I wanted Sergeant Olivia Benson. She was great, she hadn't let me down one bit, everything I had expected and more. I hated it when I hit her face, it ruined her beauty. I loved looking at her beautiful face, it reminded me how well I had done. I thought of possibly using something else when he closed his eyes, and contemplated it for a long while. I didn't want to kill her, but I didn't want to let her go either.

The interaction between Olivia and Nick was priceless. They wanted to be alone, they didn't want to be together anymore. But I could tell they were trying to look to each other for comfort, but each had none to give. Their hope was running low, and I was about to drain the rest of it from them.

Nick was slowly losing his hope. I could see everything draining from him, and I was going to make sure he asked me to end his life before I let him go, if I even decided to let him go. It was obvious they hadn't kept their relationship entirely professional, they were way too into each other.

I knew I wanted to change up the rules, I decided to make them up as I went along. They were going to suffer, there was no doubt about that, and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.

I sat in the kitchen of the house, eating a roast beef sandwich, minding my own business. I rolled up joint, and leaned back in my chair to enjoy the night. I would get back to the love birds later, I was going to enjoy the peaceful night by myself. I gave them some food before I got too comfortable. But also to make sure Olivia hadn't been wearing his jacket again. She wasn't, and they were lucky. If I ever saw that jacket on her again, they were both gonna get it, and they would regret it for the rest of their lives, which may not be too much longer as it is.

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**Fin's POV**

Rollins had brought in the girl 'Layla' from the hospital. Apparently she was talking to Jack on the phone. So, Rollins went to go look at her cell phone records to try to track down Jack while I interrogated her. Just before I walked into the room, Murphy walked up to me with a file in his hand. "Her prints came through. Her name isn't Layla. Her real name is Victoria Eugene, she has quite the record for being only twenty two."

I took a look at her file, and he was right. There was no way I was gonna let her get away with this. Rollins was right about this girl, she obviously knew something. She was already squirming in her seat, and I hadn't even entered the room yet.

I walked in, and I knew everything that came out of her mouth would be a lie. "What's your name?"

"Layla."

I let her go with it for a while. "What's your last name, Layla?"

"Carlson."

"And you were kidnapped by Jack, correct?"

"Yes."

After that, I pulled out some pictures, and made her identify Jack, Benson, and Amaro. She identified them without hesitation. She had done her homework. I asked her a few more questions before I finally caught her slip. "You said that you had been raped, correct?"

"Yes."

"Then, why did you tell my partner you hadn't been?"

"Umm, I didn't."

"Yes you did. You refused a rape kit because you said you hadn't been raped, and you didn't see the point. Is that not correct?"

"I have nothing to say."

"Were you talking to Jack while you were in the hospital?"

"No."

"Okay, lemme let you in on a little secret. We got you, we know you were talking to Jack, we heard the whole conversation. We have your phone. We can see you were talking to him, now just tell us where he is, and we can cut you a deal."

"What? No. If I'm gonna talk, I need protection."

"Who the hell do you need protection from?" I asked, calling her out on her BS.

"From Jack. He'll kill me if he knows I squealed."

"I'll see what I can do." I said and walked out of the room. That was not at all how I had wished for the interrogation to go, but I knew Murphy was watching, and I knew I would be taken off the case if I didn't play by his rules.

"Nice work. Check with Rollins before making a deal with Miss Eugene in there."

"You got it boss." I said, and walked out.

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**Olivia's POV**

Nick returned the jacket as soon as Jack left the room. Nick was so great. Even after everything he had seen, after everything Jack had done to me, it hadn't changed anything for Nick. He still respected me enough to keep me covered when he could, and he still looked me straight in the eye. It was the little things that meant the most to me, especially after what Jack had just done. I was scared to death about what would be next, I saw the brown bag still sitting on the other end of the room, and a shiver ran down my spine. Nick held out the glass of water, and since Jack had left one of my arms free, I was able to hold the glass myself. My hand shook terribly, and the water almost spilled over the edges, but it didn't. I took a large sip of the water, my mouth was disgusting from Jack. I took the crackers he had saved for me, and also some of the ones Jack had just given to us, and I ate them in a hurry. I needed to get the taste of Jack out of my mouth. I thought I was going to puke, but I am so glad I didn't.

When the food and water was all gone, I reached my hand out for Nick, and he reached his out until our hands met. We still hadn't spoken since I had yelled for Nick when Jack stuck his gun inside of me. Nick slid onto the bed, knowing I was trying to ask him to come sit next to me. I couldn't have told him how grateful I was for him, even if I was able to speak. I enjoyed the silence we had fallen into, there were no words to follow what had just happen, and neither one of us tried to pretend like it was nothing. So, we sat in silence for a long, long time.

Once he sat on the bed, he took one arm, and put one arm around me. I fell into his lap, trying to hold onto the jacket with one hand, but not caring too much at that point. I cried for what seemed like forever, and he didn't try to tell me it was going to be okay because we both knew that was a lie. He gently stroked my hair, and held me in his embrace. It was the only thing that got me through the night. I slowly drifted off to sleep, feeling secure in Nick's arms.

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**Aww Bensaro! I just love them! Please review and let me know what you thought!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Well, first I would like to comment on a review. I don't believe all this story is, is her being raped again and again, she's been raped twice in nine chapters. There's a lot more to it for me. It does move a little slow because I am trying to keep it from being exactly that. My main focus through this has been Bensaro, and trying to show their connection despite the situation. I don't mean to get defensive or anything, and I have really considered what you said, and I am trying to keep it from going too far in that direction. Trust me, there will be a light at the end soon enough.**

**Anyway, here is Chapter 9! This is my longest chapter for this story with a little over 3,000 words, so please enjoy!**

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**Olivia's POV**

_My face is in the mattress, I can't breathe. I feel something touch me. It already hurts. I feel something tearing at me, it's ripping me apart. I can feel the pain. I turn my head to look over at Nick, but he's not there. I'm alone, with Jack. Who knows what he'll do to me now? He flips me onto my back, and I look up into his face hovering over me. It's not Jack at all. _

"Liv, Liv! Liv wake up, you're having a nightmare!"

My eyes shot open, body tensed. "It's okay. It's okay. It was just a nightmare. He's not here, it's just us." Nick comforted. Nick wrapped me into his arms again, and I relaxed, resting my head against him. I let out a long sigh, thinking about the long recovery to come once again. How long it would be until I could finally get through the night without the nightmares._ This is all assuming I could survive his torture. He could at any time decide he doesn't want me anymore, and kill me. Then, why am I putting up with all this? So Nick will think I'm tough? That's never going to happen for the rest of his life, not after seeing me like this. It's better to let it end here, and not let him see me even weaker. After all Jack has put me through, Nick will never be able to see me the same way again. I used to like him a little, but after this I know he will never feel the same about me again. I have lost every chance I have ever had of Nick looking into my eyes one day, our lips almost touching, so close I could feel his breath on my lips, and hear him whisper to me three little words, 'I love you.' He wouldn't do that now, not after watching Jack kiss me. Why would he want to kiss those same lips as Jack had? Why would he want to touch and kiss, the same body he had watched being assaulted so brutally? He wouldn't._

"Olivia?" He shook me from my thoughts before they destroyed me even more. "Has Jack ever kidnapped a man before?"

"No, not that we know of. Why?"

"I was just thinking, he may be off his game a little."

"Trust me, he is not off his game." I said, still feeling the soreness surging through my entire body.

"No, but I don't think he was expecting to have the both of us. You didn't see, but when he saw the jacket, I could tell he hadn't thought of that possibility. There was a moment of confusion. Besides, he usually preys on the weak. We are a team, and neither one of us are weak. We can get out of here." He said with a spark of hope.

I shook my head. "I- I- he's so strong. I tried fighting. Before you got here, he overpowered me, I couldn't take him." I knew Nick must have seen my apartment, and could tell I fought at least a little.

"No, he's not stronger than the both of us. Liv, we are partners not just on the street but here too. We've taken down perps three times his size, just the two of us."

"That was different. Nick, do you understand what he has done? I don't have the strength I used to."

"Yes you do. I can see it. I can see the fight in your eyes. You want to get out of here, and we can. We have a reason to fight. We can do this Olivia." He got my hopes up. I actually believed him until I started thinking about the time I tried to fight him, and how much hope I had had just to be let down. This time would be no different, and we were going to get it even worse from Jack if we didn't escape. That is why I insisted we come up with a bullet proof plan before we tried anything. It would be, and has been hard not to fight, but he had a gun and instead of holding it to myself when I wasn't cooperating, he held it to Nick. I would fight to the death if he pointed the gun at me, but I couldn't do that to Nick. If he killed Nick, I wouldn't be able to live with myself and he would probably eventually end up killing me as well because, I would fight to the death. Either way, I couldn't win.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

"It turns out the number Victoria had been talking to was a prepaid cell phone. We can't track it, but she has made multiple calls to that same number. It has to be Jack. She left him a voice mail once, but he has never left one for her." I stood in front of Fin and Murphy, and explained what I had found.

"Can you play the voicemail?" Murphy asked.

"Yeah." I played it for him.

"_Hey. Um, I was just wondering when you wanted me to call. Sorry to bother you, you're probably busy doing that cop right now. But if I don't hear from you, I'm just gonna wait. I'm already here at the house. I think it's all ready. Gimme a call when you can. So... yeah. Bye._"

"She knows where he's keeping them. Talk to her. Maybe bring Barba, and see if she would make a deal if she isn't talking."

"You got it." I said, and I went with Fin to interrogate Victoria.

We sat down across from her at the table. We sat in silence for a few seconds, making her more and more uncomfortable.

"Victoria." I said. "We know you know where Jack is keeping them. Help us out, and we will help you out. It's that simple."

"No, if I don't help you out, your people will die. He has to hear from me in twenty minutes, or he'll kill them, and move to a different location. In order to prevent this. I need my phone, and a reason not to tell him you're onto him." She sat back confidently, knowing we were at her mercy, and she could get almost anything she wanted. I wanted to slap her, and I could tell Fin wanted to as well. He rose from his seat, and I put a hand up to stop him. He shoved my hand away, and stormed out of the room.

I looked over at her, and then left the room behind Fin.

* * *

**Barba's POV**

I walked in, fully expecting this to be a continuous uphill battle. I knew this girl didn't know a whole lot about the law, and I could scare her into making the deal I wanted to make. I knew she would try to be unreasonable, and I was right on all accounts.

"Hello, Victoria Eugene. My name is Rafael Barba I am the prosecuting attorney on your case. So, you are being charged with multiple counts of accessory to kidnap, accessory to rape, and accessory to murder. Wow, you might not ever see the light of day again."

"What!? No! I didn't do all those, I only helped him once!"

"Oh, a confession. That will really help my case." I said calmly. "You know, I could knock off the accessory to murder charges if you showed us to Jack."

"No! I don't even know where he is..."

"You'd better think fast then, because I'm offering you a deal, and we need your help."

"That's why you're here. That's the only reason you're here! No! Your people are gonna DIE if I don't help you. I want full immunity."

"I can't do that. What you're being charged with is too extensive. I have rules I have to follow. How about I drop the accessory to murder, and minimum time on all other charges?" I hoped she would take the bait.

"No. One count of accessory to kidnap, and minimum time. In exchange for a phone call, I don't know where he is, but if he doesn't hear from me he'll KILL them. Do you understand that?"

"I can't do that. Listen, I'm trying to help you out. Here is the best I can do; two counts of accessory to kidnap, one count accessory to rape. With good behavior, you should be out in no time at all."

She thought about it for a moment. "Plus witness protection."

"Deal." I said. I left the room, and let the detectives do their job.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I tried to think of a plan, of a way out, but I thought of nothing. Olivia insisted we had to know it was going to work before we tried it, and I agreed. I didn't want her, or myself to suffer any more because we failed to get out on the first try. Of course we knew we could never be one-hundred percent sure, but we needed a plan, and a backup plan if it didn't work, and a backup plan for that, and a backup plan for that. I just hoped we would be able to think of something before he came back and inflicted further pain, weakening us even more. Although I didn't feel he had weakened me, not when it came to fighting him. He only made me fight harder, knowing the alternative. I was not about to watch Olivia go through that again. I didn't know what was worse, watching it happen, or listening to her pain, her scream, the pain in her voice, how she now sounded so defeated. Both was horrific, and I would make sure Jack paid for what he did to her. I thought I hated Lewis, but that is nothing compared to the disdain I have toward Jack.

I still sat next to her on the bed, holding her closely, trying to take all her pain from her, and put it all on me, if I could, I would. "Are you comfortable?" I asked.

"Um, yeah, as comfortable as I could possibly be." She said. I knew that meant she wasn't, but it wasn't because of anything I could help her with. It killed me to see her in so much pain, and I tried to help, but there was only so much I could do. I couldn't tell if I was making things worse or helping. She was still talking to me, and I took that as a good thing so, I continued to try to help in any way I could. "Nick?" I heard her small voice whisper to me.

"Yes?"

"Do you have anything in your pockets?" She asked me.

"No. I um, I- I don't think so." I said and reached in my pockets to check. But just as the tip of my finger had found something other than fabric, I heard the door rattle, and I knew we were in trouble. I quickly grabbed my jacket, and waited for Jack to enter.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I returned back to the interrogation room, and handed Victoria her phone. She dialed his number, and did everything we asked her too. "_Hi." _Jack said from the other line.

"Hey, um I was just calling to update you on their progress, they haven't gotten anywhere, they're still chasing their tails with the neighbors."

"_Okay, that's good. Just keep 'em away from me. I wanna be able to take my time with these two. Man, they're so great. I wish you could know just how great they are."_

I shuddered in disgust as I listened to Jack's voice on the other end. There was something comforting knowing they were still alive, but _what had he done to them?_ The question plagued my mind for a while, as they continued to talk, I told Victoria to ask about them, writing it down on a piece of paper, and showing it to her to be sure Jack wouldn't hear me. She nodded after reading the paper.

"Jack, hey would you let me talk to them? I'd love to hear everything you've done, hear it in their voice. I can't make it over there so, it's the least you could do for me. I've done so much for you." She coaxed, and I thought she was doing very well, she never let on that she was calling under our direction.

"_Yeah, yeah. One second._" He said, and I could hear the pleasure in his voice. We could hear him walk a bit, then a door open, but no stairs. He had them in a regular house, we could tell that. "_Hey guys. I have a friend on the other end. She wants to know about our time together._"

I wanted to hear their voices so badly, I wanted reassurance that they were still alive. I leaned on the table and waited for them to speak.

"_Hey Olivia. Can you tell my friend what I did, she wants to know. Huh baby?_"

There was a long silence on the other end. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, and I realized I was holding my breath. I couldn't take my eyes off of the phone, waiting to hear the Sergeant's voice. I heard a click, I guessed it was the safety of a gun.

"_No, no, okay, I'll- I'll do it, just..._" She stumbled quietly. There were only hints of her voice left in her painful cry for mercy. In that moment I knew he had hurt her, and it was bad. I closed my eyes and waited for her verbal confirmation.

"_Say it!_"

"H-h-he r-r-r-raped me." She barely mumbled.

I covered my mouth with my hand to conceal a loud gasp. She sounded so defeated, so weak. I had never heard her sound so hurt before. Sergeant Benson was probably the strongest woman I knew, and to hear her voice so small, so weak, it knocked the air out of me. The thought of Jack touching her, degrading her in such a way, I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I wanted to ask her where she was, tell her we were coming, we would find her. It would all be a lie, Victoria was our only hope of finding them, but I felt she needed to hear it. She needed to know we were here, listening and doing everything in our power to find them, we hadn't given up. It took everything in me not to say anything, and just listen to her voice on the other end. I wanted to reach through the phone and comfort her, tell her she was okay, she would survive this. I wanted to offer her some comfort, but there was no way I possibly could through the phone, unable to say a word to her. I heard Jack's voice again, then followed by Nick's.

"_I had to watch._"

"_Watch what?_" I could hear Jack ask him.

"_I had to watch as he raped Olivia._" He spit out in one breath. The pain in his voice was evident, as much as I knew he was trying to hide it. Of course there was pain, and of course he tried to hide it. He had just witnessed one of the most horrifying acts one could do to another, this person being his partner, and she was still next to him in the room. He couldn't let on how much pain the two other people in the room had caused him.

"Can I talk to Nick, just one on one?" Victoria asked, and he decided to allow it. She motioned to me in case I wanted to say something. I couldn't. I shook my head. "Hey Nick. I guess you're not really that savior you thought you were."

"What are you doing!?" I bursted, then immediately covered my mouth. I couldn't let someone put him through any more mental torture than he was already going through. Not on my watch. I heard a gasp, then Jack's voice.

"_Who was that?_"

"It was the nurse. I'm still at the hospital, I can't go unless, I have the rape kit done."

"_Fine. Have it done. Just don't tell them anything. If you tell them where I am, I swear to you, your death will be worse than any of those other girls' that I killed._"

"Jack, you would have to tell me where you are in order for me to tell them."

I paused, thinking this could be the moment. This could be when he tells her where he has them, and we could go rushing over there to save them. I stared at the phone, unconsciously biting hard at my lip.

"_Well then I guess we've got nothing to worry about._" Then he was gone. He hung up the phone.

"You happy?" Victoria asked. "I only asked him that because, I knew Jack could still hear me. I was thinking maybe you wanted to ask him, so he could hear your voice, and have a feeling that help was coming, but I guess not."

I closed my eyes in realization. "I'm sorry, I was so caught up in everything, and I completely missed what you were trying to do. I'm sorry."

"It's your loss." Victoria shrugged it off, and rolled her eyes. "Can I go now?"

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I heard it. A familiar voice on the other end. One of which belonged to Amanda Rollins. It wasn't a nurse, it was Rollins. I knew it, and it gave me just a spark of hope that they would find us. That they would somehow come bursting through that door before he was able to touch Olivia again.

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**Please, please review! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay, I've given you guys (and myself) a two chapter break from the Jack torture scenes. I felt like that was needed, but I hope you enjoyed the break!**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

As soon as Jack stepped out of the room, Nick said, "I heard Rollins, it wasn't a nurse. She was listening to that call. It was all a set up. They're gonna find us!"

I couldn't help but to feel relieved when he told me, but also I felt really embarrassed. If Rollins was there, that meant Fin and Murphy were most likely there too. All of them had heard. They heard me mumble those three horrific words that I never thought I would ever have to say. "We can't count on it." I said hopelessly. "He has a disposable phone, they can't track it. It could've been a big waste of time." He knew I was right, but he didn't want to believe it. We sat in silence for a few more seconds, both of our minds whirling with possibilities. Then I finally spoke up. "Nick, can I have the jacket?" I said, and looked down, feeling my face turn a bright red. I couldn't look at his face, but I needed the jacket. It was freezing in the room, and that was mainly why I wanted it. I knew Nick wouldn't look at me without the jacket, and I didn't care about it with him anymore. If he wanted to stare at me naked on the bed he could, I didn't care, he was a good guy, and he wouldn't hurt me. I was already so used, why try to pretend I wasn't? He had already seen.

Nick, and the big heart he had, returned the jacket and asked if he could do anything more for me. I just shook my head, I wasn't able to find any words.

Jack brought us some more food and water, and we ate it quickly this time. We were both starving.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

After listening to that sickening phone call, I took the recording to have TARU try to see if they could get anything from it.

We were at a dead end until they got back to us. I wanted to take another run at Victoria, but Murphy suggested against it. Her arraignment was scheduled for today, and I had no doubt she would be out on bail, and back to helping Jack in no time at all. I knew I should be doing something. The torture he was putting them both through had my stomach in knots. I couldn't help but to feel for Nick. I remembered the time at Sealview, and I had seen her crying, handcuffed, waiting for it to happen. Luckily I had come in just in time, and spared her of it. But Nick, he couldn't stop it, and I could imagine all too well what that must have been like. Seeing Olivia like that was one of the worst kinds of pains I've ever experienced.

"Fin. Fin!"

"What?" I whipped my head around to see Rollins trying to get my attention.

"They may have got something off of the phone call. Want to go with me and check it out?"

"Yeah, of course." I said. I had to find them. Save them from this son of a bitch, and everything he thought he could get away with. The minute I laid eyes on him, I would be sending a bullet through his head. Nobody messes with my squad like that, and I would show him why.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

We knew Jack was coming back. It had been about a day since his last torture. But then we couldn't be sure since we had no way to keep track of time. I felt a little dizzy, I started thinking he had put something in the water he had just given to us.

I held Olivia's shaking body in my arms, she knew it was coming too, and the more time that passed, the more she shook, and the tighter I held her. I was still careful to not hold her too tight, knowing her entire body still hurt from his last assault. She jumped when the doorknob rattled, and I quickly pulled off the jacket. I hated pulling it from her, especially when she already started to panic when he came in, I hated making it worse on her.

He pulled out his gun before he was even near us. I knew that couldn't be good. "I swear, I'm in no mood for games, if you try anything, I will shoot the both of you. You got that? Good." He said, and went over to Olivia, he took the handcuff that was around the bed, and took it off to put it around her other wrist. She was free of the bed. He did the same with me, freeing me of my restraints, but placing new ones on my wrists. "Get in the bathroom, both of you." He held the gun to Olivia's head. We both followed his orders, taking in mind his earlier precaution. I tried not to pay attention, but I could see Olivia struggling to get there. She had a slight limp, and her legs were shaking terribly beneath her. It was hard not to notice. I wanted to help her, but there was nothing I could do, I felt so helpless. I was helpless.

Once we were in the bathroom, he started the shower, and filled up the tub. He undid my restraints so I could remove my clothing. I kept glancing at Olivia, but she kept shaking her head. She knew what I was thinking. I thought this could be our perfect time to escape. I wasn't even restrained, and she was able to stand, and possibly offer me some sort of assistance. I knew we hadn't talked it over, but it was almost too good of an opportunity to pass up. Almost.

He cuffed my hands once I shred the last piece of my clothing, getting hardly even a hint of what Olivia had been going through for the past few days. "Get in the tub, both of you." He had turned off the running water and we were going to have to bathe in each other's filth. I tried not to think too much into it. But once she stepped in, the water turned a disgusting shade of brown. Blood, urine, sweat, and bodily fluids flowed into the water. She didn't look at me, I knew she was ashamed.

He took a bar of soap, and rubbed it all over her. Silent tears flowed from her eyes, and at one point she made eye contact with me, but she looked away quickly. He got to between her legs, and a moan of pain escaped her lips. "Ow." She whispered.

"Oh, you enjoying that baby? Yeah?" He asked, hearing her in pain. He got more physical, and I wasn't looking, but her face said his fingers were inside her.

"Ow. Stop." Her cry was so quiet, she was hurting so bad. I had to do something.

"Hey, come on. Did you forget about me?" I provoked him, hoping to take his attention off her.

He turned to me with a big smile. "Aww, you getting a little jealous? Don't worry, I was just about to get to you." He told me, then slid Olivia to sit in the tub, and dunked her head under the water. She struggled for a little, then he brought her back up, and she gasped for air, sitting on the floor of the tub. Then, he turned to me.

I looked at Olivia, and she mouthed "thank you" to me.

He rubbed the soap all over me. I had never felt any grosser in a bath before. He rubbed every inch of my body. I mean EVERY inch of my body. He stuck a finger in me at one point, and it took everything in me not to fight him. I zoned out. I couldn't think about what he was doing. I stared straight ahead of me, and I couldn't feel anymore. All of a sudden I was being dunked into the tub of anything but clean water.

I'm not sure how, but all of a sudden I was lying next to the bed back with my ankle chained up. All of my clothes were back on, and Jack had left. Olivia must have seen my confusion, because before I even had a chance to say anything, she said, "hey Nick, are you okay? You blacked out there for a minute."

"What happen?"

"After he dunked you under... I don't, I don't know."

"No, what happen while I was out?"

"Nothing really." She said, obviously hiding something.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing. It was nothing, okay?" She obviously didn't want to talk about whatever it was, and I wasn't going to push it. I gave her back my jacket, and asked if she wanted me to sit next to her. She scooted over, and I sat by her side.

It felt good to know she hadn't shied away from me after the bath. I knew it was probably the least invasive thing he had done to her, and I couldn't whine about it. I had to be tough for her. I let her head rest on my chest, and my cheek rested on her head as I held her lightly.

"How are we going to get out of here?" She asked me, still with her head on my chest.

"I don't know, but we will."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

"We were able to separate the audio from the background noise, and here is what we got." He said, and played us the tape.

_Strange noises, maybe traffic? Footsteps, noises that were from the precinct, paper shuffling. The sound of something squeaking, then a gun being drawn. A click, a sob, a clink, a sob, a smirk, a sob, silence. _

"Is there any way to identify the beginning noises, and where they may be coming from?" I asked, and the tech nodded his head.

"I have already done some of that for you." He stated, and replayed the tape, only slower this time so he could explain what everything was.

"He's outside, and that, is a car driving by. Listen carefully here... you hear that? It's a restaurant. Those are dishes."

"Son of a bitch." Fin blurted out.

"What?" I asked him.

"I know a place. Kind of in the middle of nowhere, but there's a couple houses and a restaurant there. It may be a stretch, but I'll bet you he's got 'em on one of those houses."

"Where is this?" I asked, and we immediately headed to the car. We weren't worried about calling for backup, or Barba to get a warrant, until we were already on our way.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I didn't ever want to open my eyes again. I was so content in Nick's arms, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest. It seemed like the only constant in my life, everything else was so hectic, and my mind was frantically trying to process everything, and more kept happening. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't even tell what came first, and what came after that. All I knew was it hurt, and worse would be sure to come. Even with my eyes closed, I could see the room around me, like it was engraved in my brain. The grey walls spattered with blood, blood pools all over the room, especially on the mattress. I couldn't believe Nick had wanted to sit on the bed next to me. I alone was so dirty, and all the other girls that had been on that same mattress, he had never cleaned it, it was all still there. I tried to block all of that out of my mind, but I couldn't. I just moved in a little closer to Nick, and buried my face in his chest.

"I don't want to die." I said.

"You're not going to." He quickly responded.

"I'm not so sure." I said, and I knew Nick tried to tell me otherwise, and started talking nonstop about it. I wasn't really listening though. All I was thinking about was the past survivors, and everything they had described, that was still yet to come. It terrified me.

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	11. Chapter 11

**Please take caution! Seriously! I said I was getting back to writing some torture scenes, and I was not kidding! With that, here is the next chapter... I'm sorry…**

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**Fin's POV**

We arrived in the neighborhood, it had only three houses near that restaurant, close enough to hear the noises over the phone. We banged on the first door, there was nobody inside, so we let ourselves in. Don't ask me how Barba was able to get a judge to sign off on it, but somehow he was able to get a warrant to search all three houses with only circumstantial evidence, nothing real solid yet. I think it helped that two detectives were missing. The first house had nothing in it at all. The place looked clean and in order, all except for the dust. The dust was even settled on the floor. After we cleared the house, we moved on to the second house in the neighborhood.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

My eyes were getting heavier, and I was almost asleep. Then, the jacket was ripped from me, and a cold breeze whipped across my naked body. For a split second I wondered what had gotten into Nick, why would he do that? But then Jack came bursting through the door. He quietly closed the door behind him, and then relaxed. "Take your seat." He told Nick, and Nick moved to sit in the chair next to the bed. Jack took a seat on the bed. "Hey, I've been waiting a long time for this, but I think now is the perfect time. Now, don't be afraid to scream and beg for mercy, you know I love those things."

I looked away from him. He walked over, and grabbed the brown paper bag I had been dreading since I first laid eyes on it. He pulled out a vibrating toy. He wasted no time in shoving it inside me, and making it vibrate hard, powerful pulses. I tried pushing it out of me. "No, please, please don't. Please don't use the toys, I'll do anything else you want." I cried, begged.

He held it right against my g-spot and I couldn't push it out. I could feel my body caving. _No, no, this can't be happening. Is there any way out? Death. I couldn't. _My body gave in to his violation after some long minutes of trying to hold it together. I wanted to die. "No! Stop!" I tried to scream, but my voice came out hardly above a whisper. My weakened body became easier to break. He took out a bunch of toys, and stuck one in both my openings, then held another in his hands. "I've never used this before. I think I'll try it out."

"Please." I barely managed to whisper between sobs.

"Please what?"

"Please just- I- I can't do this." I stammered.

"What are you asking of me?"

"Liv." I heard Nick panic.

"Just- just put me out of my misery."

"Are you asking me to kill you? Because, you have to say so."

"Don't do this, Liv."

"I'm sorry." I whispered to Nick. "Will you please kill me?" I asked before I thought about it. The only thing I allowed myself to think about was the unrelenting pain throughout my entire body, and how humiliated I was that my body had betrayed me. I needed it to stop. I was about to lose my mind.

"Sure, BUT, Nick has to agree. All he has to do, is ask me to kill you, and I will." My heart sunk out of my chest. I knew Nick wouldn't say it, but I still begged for him to.

"Please, Nick. I can't do this. Please, can't you see the pain? It has to end."

"It will end, but not right now. I can't say it." He said, sadly.

"Nick, please." I begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't."

* * *

**Fin's POV**

We busted down another door. Nobody was inside as far as we could tell. We cleared the rooms, and found nobody in any of the rooms. The whole house felt eerie, uncomfortable, the furniture was simple and cheap. There was nothing too special about it. There was no landline in which Rollins was fairly quick to notice. Although, that wasn't unusual these days. We searched around for a while, and after discovering it had no basement and no attic, we ruled it out after we checked all the rooms in the house. We moved on to our last house, hoping we could find some sort of lead.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

To hear Olivia beg for him to end her life as she had, hit me like a ton of bricks to the head. I had never imagined anything could take down the fearless, strong, leader, Sergeant Olivia Benson. She was begging ME to ask him to end her life. Had she gone completely insane? Did she ever think I would allow him to kill her?

This assault was no different than the rest, Jack still made me watch the entire thing. I saw her push the toys from her, and Jack took something else and shoved it in her. I watched her face cringe in pain when it went in. "AAAHH! OOWW! STOOOOP!" She screamed. Her scream was deafening, it nearly killed me. My heart almost stopped beating at every scream. I wanted to help her, I wanted this to be over. I knew how shaken she would be once he left, and I wanted to reassure her I was still here. I wanted to tell her everything would be okay, but I wasn't sure it would be. I wanted to wipe all the tears from her face, and take all her pain, and put it on me instead.

I blinked for only a second, and I heard Olivia's scream again.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

We went to the last house, and a lady answered the door, and was more than willing to show us around the house. She showed us into every room, and even allowed us to look into the attic and basement. The house was nice, decorated although it was obvious the residents didn't have much money, it was nice and welcoming. Once the house was cleared we all took the walk of shame back to our cars. We were back at square one.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

He entered a few new toys after my plea for death, and it had only made me wish for it more. My legs were spread wide, and his knees were on my inner thighs to hold me down. Then, I felt something at my entrance. It was too big. He forced it in, tearing about all the flesh I had left. I screamed. Its sides were rough when he thrust it in and out. I could feel my flesh ripping at its contact, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, any of it. I let out a cry for mercy at every thrust.

"Yeah, you like that baby? Ooh. Olivia, you're so perfect." He thrust in a few more times before he took it out. He held it high enough for me to see. The object was entirely covered in my blood and flesh, I couldn't even tell the original color of the object.

He finally left us, but left his bag in the room. I closed my eyes, and I couldn't look at Nick.

"Do you want the jacket?" He asked, but I couldn't even think about putting anything over my crumbling, weak body at that moment. I thought I'd crush under the weight.

I made the mistake of looking down at my broken body. I had my head sat up slightly, and I could see the blood rushing from between my legs, and I could feel it. I knew it wasn't good, and I needed help. "Nick." I said, panicked.

"What do you need?" He was in a hurry to help.

"I need you to take a look at my injuries."

"Olivia..." He didn't want to violate me more than I already had been.

"I'm serious. Otherwise, you need to get me to a hospital, or I'm going to die."

"Where do you need me to look?" I closed my eyes, but he got the message. "Olivia..." He didn't want to.

I nodded, and opened my legs for him. He let out a long sigh, and sat at the end of the bed. "Okay, tell me if it hurts. Tell me if you want me to stop." He said, and took a look at the damage. It was covered in my blood. He took off his t-shirt that was under his shirt to hopefully prevent Jack from finding out. "Okay, this will probably hurt. Tell me if I need to stop."

He pressed the t-shirt gently on me, soaking up the blood. I closed my eyes and held my breath, and waited for more. He touched the sorest part of all. "Ow, ow." I jerked away a little bit.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?"

"No, sorry, keep going." I said, and waited for him to continue. He dabbed up the blood from that same area, the bottom of my entrance, and soaked up the blood as it spilled.

"I think this is where most of it is coming from. I need to apply pressure in order for it to stop bleeding."

"Okay." I said, and as soon as he did, I screamed. "OOOWW! Stop! Stop!" He stopped, and waited for my permission. I knew I was no better than Jack, forcing him to do this, but my instincts kicked in, and I did what I had to, to survive; even though I had lost my will to live. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Go ahead, I'll try not to scream." I said, and he applied the pressure once again. I bit at my lip as hard as I could to try to not scream.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

She passed out while I was trying to apply pressure, and I wasn't sure if I should continue. I convinced myself it would be best to not stop in fear that if I did stop she would die. There was a lot of bleeding coming from her on the inside as well, but I needed her consent to go there. I let up on the pressure for a moment to see if it had help subside the bleeding at all, and it had. She became conscious for a moment, and I decided to ask her. "Liv, it looks like there is damage to your inner walls as well. Do you mind if I take a look, and try to stop the bleeding there?"

"No, do whatever you need to do. I trust you." She said, and passed out again. _I trust you._ Those three words meant more to me than she would ever know. In spite of everything that happen, everything she was going through, she still trusted me.

I looked in, and saw her walls were badly damaged, and put my t-shirt in there to soak up the blood. I closed her legs, and when closed, they held my t shirt in place. I sat back in my chair, and tears seeped from the corners of my eyes, as I looked at my partner lying there on that bed. I could hardly even recognize her anymore. Although, she was still beautiful in my eyes, no matter what he had done to her.

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	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12! Also, for everyone asking if there will ever be an end to all this torture... It's comin baby, just not yet. This story is demanding a few more chapters before that so just keep holding on! I apologize for this chapter, and please take caution if your sensitive to this stuff. Also, I would like to dedicate this chapter to Victoria... Love you girl! -insert evil laugh here-**

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**Victoria's POV**

I was released on my own recognizance after the arraignment, and I immediately called Jack. We talked for a few, then I decided to go to the hotel the NYPD gave to me. It was part of the deal we made, witness protection. Of course they only did a half-assed job because I was assumed to be one of the bad guys. I mean most of the stuff I_ had_ helped him with, but they couldn't prove any of it. All they knew was I helped lure her pretty little partner into Jack's hands, and so they were going to make my life hell.

After I was in my room, Jack called me. I guess he found out what I had done. "_Who the hell do you think you are!? You sold me out to save your sorry ass!_"

"How do you know?"

"_They came by today! They searched my entire house! I hid out in the room, but you are SO damn lucky I have that room, or you would be dead!_"

"They pressured me into it! They found out! They found everything out! I had no choice! I'm sorry."

"_Okay. You can make it up to me by coming over here._"

"Hell no." I said, and I hung up the phone. I suddenly felt anxious, like Jack was going to get to me. I had to get out of that hotel before Jack found me. I couldn't be sitting prey. I looked out my window, and I saw the patrol car sitting out in front of my room. I had to get around it, there had to be a way out, and somehow I would be able to get away from Jack. I had no idea where I would go, but it had to be somewhere Jack would never suspect.

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**Nick's POV**

Olivia finally started to regain consciousness. I could see her start to panic, and I quickly moved to her side, and assured her she was okay. "You're okay. He's not in here. It's just us." I placed the jacket on her again, hoping it would offer some sort of comfort.

She looked me in the eye, and I could tell she started to relax. "I'm sorry." She apologized to me.

"Don't apologize."

"No, I- I'm sorry." She insisted. I didn't know what she could possibly apologize for, but I let it go, and I just went with it.

I sat straight up in the bed. "My belt." I said aloud. I had been thinking the entire time she was passed out, and it just now, finally clicked.

"What?"

"My belt." I repeated. "I think I just found a way out!"

"What's the plan?" She asked.

"When he's on the bed, I strangle him."

"And when he pulls his gun?"

"Hear me out. I will have him by the neck. He's either going to try to take the belt away from his neck, or reach for his gun. If he reaches for his gun, I'll pull him back even harder so, he can't get to it."

"I guess, I mean, what's really the worst that can happen? Death? That actually doesn't sound so bad. If you're willing to risk it, I am."

"What do we really have to lose at this point?" I said, and then it was set. That was the plan, no going back, no backing down. It was all or nothing from the moment Jack would sit on the bed, till our squad arrived, we would fight to the death. It was our only chance if we wanted to survive. I took off my belt, and placed it behind the chair, making sure it wouldn't be visible, but also making sure it wouldn't take me too long once I grabbed it. I practiced the move a few times, seeing how long it would take, and Olivia helped inform me how to improve my time. I mastered the move, and I hid the belt away. I sat next to Olivia on the bed again, and she rested her head on my chest.

We decided to get some rest, knowing we would need all the strength we could get once Jack entered the room again.

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**Jack's POV**

I saw her walking down the street away from the hotel I knew she was staying at. She looked paranoid, maybe she knew what I was about to do, maybe she was stupid enough to go look for me. Either way, I had found her and she was mine. I followed her for a few blocks debating whether the gun or the knife would be more enjoyable, and once I decided, I closed in on my target.

"Victoria." I said, and she turned around. We were in the middle of a silent library, and I could already hear her screams. This would be fun. This was the perfect place, lots of people, but none of them daring to say a word. They would all want to see what was going on.

"Jack. I was just going to give you a call. I wanted to see them." _Lies._

"Here, I'll give you a choice. You can come with me, where we can have a little more privacy, or we can do this right here."

Tears formed in her eyes. She was already breaking, and I knew I had her. She shook her head as I walked toward her. "Jack. Please, I told you, I'll do whatever you want, just don't put me through that... again."

"You never even saw the worst of it, honey." I said, and I moved in closer, bringing my knife from my pocket."

She screamed, so I slit her throat. People looked over at us, and I pulled my gun. "If the cops come, all of you will be dead. Do you hear me!?" I yelled, then threw Victoria on the table in the middle of the room. I trailed my knife on her body, and made sure everyone could see. I stabbed her again and again and again, making even the smallest child in the room watch. Blood was spilling from every direction, and I knew the police would be arriving soon. I gave her one final stab to the chest, and her eyes slowly started to close. I leaned in, and kissed her. "I'm sure gonna miss you, honey." I would be the last thing she ever heard, ever felt, ever kissed, I guess that means I was her true love.

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**Amanda's POV**

Victoria was lying on her back, and blood spilled all over the table, and her clothes soaked in red.

We arrived at the crime scene after getting word of Victoria's death. It was no mystery who had done it. Jack was the obvious answer, and after talking to a couple witnesses, it had been confirmed. Several witnesses said she had called him Jack, and they had also described him. The only mystery here was the same mystery we had been plagued with for the last several days, months even... Where is Jack hiding? The witnesses had been pretty shaken up, but most of them agreed on the direction Jack had gone after he left.

We followed their direction, and started collecting footage from the security cameras. We started talking with nearby residents, but none of them were any help. The entire time, I couldn't get the image of Victoria out of my head. My thoughts ran wild with theories. _Why had he left Nick and Olivia alone? Was it _that_ impossible for them to escape? Had he left them to die? Had he already killed them, and dumped their bodies? Had he let them go? How badly could he have hurt them? How long could they survive without us finding them? _I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know how much longer I could take them being out there with that monster before I finally caved.

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**Nick's POV**

We were both startled awake, and I pulled the jacket from her as fast as I could, but it was too late, Jack was already in the room. He had seen the jacket. I thought he was going to take it all out on Olivia, and I prayed our plan would work. "Get off the bed." He ordered me, and I took my place in the chair. "I didn't say to sit!"

I stood up from the chair, and suddenly became nervous. The plan wouldn't work if I couldn't get to my belt.

"Keep your hands up, and get on your knees." I followed his orders. He pushed me to the ground, slamming my face in the concrete. I tasted blood, then I felt something sharp at my back, and it slid down in one fluid motion, then my shirt was off. I felt it again at my waist. It was slid slowly down my leg, and I could tell he was cutting the remainder of my clothes off. I struggled, I tried to kick him, to get him away from me, but every time I moved, the knife cut deeper into my skin. After a few minutes, he pulled swiftly at my jeans, and they flew off, and across the room. I would never be able to reach it now. He turned me so I was on my back, undid his pants, and pinned my hands to my side with his knees. He held my head in place as much as I tried to fight it. "You better watch all of this, sweetie, you don't want me to have to hurt him." He told Olivia. Then, he raped me.

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**Olivia's POV**

Nick had been face down on the floor for a while now, and I was really starting to worry. Jack had left a long time ago, and Nick still hadn't moved. I saw his head slowly start to lift up. I watched him pull himself off the ground, but he didn't sit all the way up. He pulled his knees beneath him, and still kept on his forearms, and hung his head down. I could see his pain with every move he made. I didn't know if he wanted space or if he wanted my reassurance that I didn't care what I'd just seen, and I wouldn't see him differently. I was guessing both, but I couldn't really give him space, being held in the same room. I decided to try to break him from the silence. "Nick?" I said, quietly.

Nick didn't look up from the ground. He stayed in the same position, and didn't move after I said his name. "Nick, please. Just say something."

"I don't wanna talk." He said, still without looking up.

"We don't have to, but please, can we not turn against each other right now? We're all we have. Please."

Nick brought his face up to face me, but his eyes didn't reach mine. His eyes were glossy and red, and his face was bloodied. "Come here. Sit next to me." I said.

He shook his head. "I can't."

"What- I- did- can you stand?"

He nodded.

"Nick. What he did... that doesn't make you any less of a man. Right now I need a man, I need you, and I can tell you need someone too. So, instead of pretending nothing happen to either of us, let's just get each other through. Please." The thought of him not talking to me, not looking at me, not sharing his warmth, his small gestures of kindness scared the hell out of me. It was the only thing that kept me going as long as I have.

Nick slowly got up off the ground, and laid on his back, next to me on the bed. I brushed my hand over the blood on his forehead, and tried to rub some of it off. "Liv." He turned his head away. I pulled my hand away. He looked blankly at the ceiling as tears fell from his eyes. It hurt me to see him like this. I had never seen him completely shut down like he had.

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**I'm sorry. Reviews would be very much appreciated.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Please take serious caution while reading this! I apologize for the inhumanity of my actions. Well you know it is chapter 13...**

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**Fin's POV**

The security footage didn't tell us anything useful. It told us the general direction of where he headed, but nothing more. He was going toward the houses near the restaurant we had searched earlier, and something in my gut said we missed something when we looked there. We were filling Murphy in on the case when I got a sudden urge to express how much this had been bugging me. "I know we searched all the houses around the restaurant, but something in my gut is telling me there was somethin more to one of those houses. I think he's got 'em there."

"Where? We searched those houses top to bottom. There wasn't even a hint of anyone being held there." Rollins stated.

"I know, I just got this feelin."

"Well unless those feeling can be backed up by evidence, there is nothing we can do. We can't go out busting down doors because of a gut feeling." Murphy said.

I knew he was right, but that feeing wouldn't let it rest. Maybe I was going crazy, knowing they were going through the worst hell, and I wasn't stopping it. I should've known Jack would do something like this. After Harris, I told myself I would never let something like that happen again. Then, Lewis came, and I still haven't forgiven myself for that. Now, Nick and Olivia are in the hands of Jack, and have been for five days. I just might lose my mind.

Our only lead was Victoria, but she had given us nothing. Especially now, being dead, her crime scene gave us no useful leads.

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**Nick's POV**

…

…

…

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**Olivia's POV**

"Nick." I tried to get his attention again. He continued to stare at the ceiling. I was so worried for him... and myself. Our plan was never going to work without him. "Nick, please."

"We're not talking about it."

"We don't have to."

"Then what do you want!?"

I was taken aback by the sudden outburst, but I don't know what else I really expected. "I just, I don't want to see you shut down like this."

"What do you want me to remember every moment? Liv, I'm not like you. I'm doing what I have to, to survive, just like you are." He snapped.

"I need you. You are what has kept me going."

He started to slowly sit up. His face turned red then pale.

"Nick? What's going on? Are you okay?"

Just then, Nick darted for the corner furthest away from the bed, only to be stopped by the chain around his ankle as he fell to his knees. He let out what little he had in his stomach as he heaved, almost reaching the corner of the room. He remained frozen on his hands and knees for another fifteen minutes after emptying his stomach.

"Nick?" He didn't answer me. "Nick? Please, just get up." He eventually moved, and lied down on his stomach, and buried his face in his hands. I couldn't tell if he was crying at first because, his body didn't shake, but I somehow knew he was. I had never seen Nick cry before all this, but everything had really taken a toll on him, and it was really hard to watch as it all unfolded.

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**Fin's POV**

For some reason, after I clocked out for the day, I found myself at the restaurant we thought Nick and Olivia were being held near. I realized I had never talked to the restaurant employees. Sure, other uniform cops were sent in, but I didn't trust them. They had no idea what was at stake here. So, after the long car ride I got out, and went into the restaurant alone.

"Hello, how can I help you, sir?" The lady behind the register asked.

I showed her my badge. Then, I took out a picture of Jack. "Has this man ever been in here?"

She looked over her shoulder before answering. "No, I've never seen him before."

"What about either of them?" I showed her a picture of Nick, then one of Olivia.

"No, I've never seen them either. Can I ask what this is about?"

"Police investigation. Now you sure you never saw any of 'em?"

"I'm sure. They've never been in here before."

I sighed as I walked to the next person in the restaurant. I asked every single person working in that restaurant, but all of them gave me the same answer. They all swore they had never seen any of them.

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_Jack walked into the restaurant, about two days prior. He ordered himself some food. Everyone had seen him order, he had made quite an ordeal while ordering his food. They couldn't seem to get his order correct, and he became impatient. After he was through with the meal, he walked back up to the cashier, and handed each person working there fifty dollars. "If anybody ever asks, I was never here. You have no idea who I am, and I don't look familiar. Got that?"_

_The employees nodded in response, and made sure to keep their mouths shut in order to keep their fifty dollars. It wasn't a whole lot of money, but in a small town-like neighborhood like they were living in, it counted for a lot more. Plus, there were no secrets in a town that small, everyone would know who squealed. It wasn't really a town, it was a secluded neighborhood that operated almost as if it were a small town. Either way, t__heir lips were sealed, and Jack was able to walk confidently back to his house where Nick and Olivia were kept waiting._

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**Nick's POV**

We had nothing left, and only one chance at an escape. If I didn't make this work, we could very well not come out alive. I knew he would be coming in soon, and I took a seat in the chair next to the bed and waited. Olivia kept asking me to sit in the bed next to her, and to talk to her. I wouldn't do it. I wasn't about to talk about anything that had happen, it was in the past and the sooner I put it there, the faster I would be able to forget about it.

I was right about Jack returning soon, he came busting through the door, mad as hell about something. He didn't hesitate to make his way to the bed, and he found my t-shirt I had used to stop her bleeding. He yanked it away, threw it across the room, and straddled her on the bed. He touched her, and she jumped. "Ow."

"Still a little sore huh?" He laughed.

I knew this was my time. My heart started pounding hard against my chest, as my hands began to tremble. Sweat started seeping onto my forehead, and it only made me more nervous that Jack would know I was plotting something. I reached for the belt. I felt the tip of my finger reach the cold metal of the belt buckle, and in less than a second of reaching my belt I had it around Jack's neck, and I was pulling hard at it.

He didn't go for my belt or the gun as I had planned. Instead, he went for my hand. He was about to pass out when somehow he was able to slip from the grasp of the belt. I struggled to keep it in my possession after he slipped it. Then, his foot made contact with my stomach, and I was sent flying backwards.

Jack was furious after our attempt to escape. I had never seen anything look so evil as his eyes did when he looked over at me while raising the belt. He started beating me with my own belt and that same look in his eyes. I started screaming. The pain surged through my body relentlessly without end. I could feel skin tearing, and blood dripping from each wound. I thought he was about to beat me to death. I welcomed the idea, but he stopped just before I could pass out.

After, he turned to Olivia, and did the same to her. Her screams shattered my heart. I hated hearing her pain, and not being able to help. The sound was almost impossible for a human make, and it was all because of me.

Once the both of us were beaten and bloodied, he left the room. We both managed to finally catch our breath before he returned. This time, he had a box of matches in his hands. He walked to the pile of clothes, and started lighting the matches. Once lit, he threw them into the clothes. I could feel the heat from the fire, it was warm and unusual to me. He smiled while the last chance we had at a little sense of security was burned to the ground, and even if we could reach it, it would be useless.

Once our clothes were turned to ashes, he took out his gun, and looked straight at me. I swore I saw the devil in his eyes. "Do her."

"What?" I didn't want to believe what I had heard.

"Do her, or I'll shoot."

"I can't. You will have to shoot me, before I rape her."

"You don't have to _rape_ her. Just... you know, have sex."

"Are you kidding me?" This had to be a joke.

"No. And hurry up, or I'll shoot the both of you."

"Shoot me. I will NEVER rape her. I will let you put a bullet through my head before I lay a hand on her."

"It's your choice, but just know, I'll kill her too."

I didn't want him to shoot her, but I sure as hell wasn't going to rape her. I couldn't do that. I looked over at her, and she gave me a nod. _Was that consent?_

"Don't stop until you both come."

"It's okay." She said in a deep whisper. I didn't know if I could do this. I made my way to the bed, and she grabbed my hand.

"Get it up already." Jack demanded, but it didn't make me go any faster.

I got on the bed, and straddled her waist.

"It's okay." She repeated in the same whisper as she opened her legs for me. "Do what you have to do."

Tears were rushing from my eyes, and I could hardly see a thing. I placed myself at her entrance, and I was sure to be gentle. She squeezed my hand when she was in pain, and I knew to be more careful.

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**Olivia's POV**

I didn't want Nick to die in order to protect me. I knew he didn't want to do it, but I couldn't watch Jack kill him at my expense. I would gladly accept the bullet myself, but I couldn't watch that happen to Nick.

I tried to make it as easy as I could on the both of us by holding his hand. It was my way of telling him how much I could handle which, wasn't very much. The toy had completely destroyed my insides, and every move Nick made was painful. I only squeezed his hand when it became unbearable, because I knew we both had to come, and we never would if he was going one thrust per minute. He was going incredibly slow, and my body wasn't even close to coming and I needed it to be over. He kept hinting around my g spot, and I shifted a little in the bed so he was hitting it at every slow thrust, and I came fairly quickly after that. Nick came along with me, and a huge smile spread across Jack's face.

"Beautiful." He walked toward the bed as Nick pulled out. "Oh, were not done here." He said simply. "Now, would you like the front or back?" He asked as he undid is pants.

He looked over at me, and I mouthed 'front' through my tears. "Front." He said, and Jack rolled me onto my side.

"Match my pace or you don't want to know what will happen." He said, and took me from behind.

I had my eyes closed most of the time, but that didn't stop the tears from running in torrents down my face. Jack was going so fast and hard, and I was already so damaged, I didn't think I could take the pain. I buried my face into Nick's chest, and he did the best he could to be gentle with me, but even so, every move he made sent an alarming pain through my entire body.

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**Nick's POV**

It was hard to keep up, and keep from hurting her. She kept squeezing my hand, and digging her nails into my skin when he would thrust. It got so painful at one point, she screamed and let go of my hand, and dug her fingernails into my arm. She was in tears, I was in tears, I couldn't do it. I stopped, and Jack really didn't like that. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Nick, it's okay. Don't let him kill you." She whispered between sobs.

I couldn't handle that I was hurting her. All I wanted to do was protect her and help her, but instead I was hurting her even more. "You can kill me. I'm not hurting her any more than I already have." I said firmly, pulling away from her, her tears stained on my chest.

Jack seemed okay with it. He shrugged. "Your choice." He said, and left the room.

Neither of us knew what to say once he was gone. We both sat staring at the floor for the next few hours, not wanting to make eye contact while waiting for his return.

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**I'm sorry. This chapter got out of hand and I'm sorry. Don't hate me, it was the story's fault! Please leave a review if you're not tooo mad at me.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Amanda's POV**

It had been a week since they went missing, and we had run out of leads. We couldn't even be certain they were still alive, but that didn't stop us from spending twenty hours a day trying to dig up any last piece of evidence we missed. Fin had checked up on a few possible leads, as did I, but nothing turned up. We sat at our computers too tired to do any good, but not yet willing to give up for the day. I sighed, throwing down the pen I held in my hand. "It's been a week now. What's the chances they're even still alive?"

This caught Fin's attention. "You can't be thinking like that. They are both fighters, you know them. They're alive. We, are gonna find them. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but we will."

I nodded, suddenly being hit with a ton of emotions, and I thought it'd be best to call it a night. "I'm gonna hit the cribs."

"Are you okay?" He could hear it in my voice.

"Yeah, just tired."

"Okay, I'll be right behind you. I just wanna finish up this one thing."

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**Olivia's POV **

I couldn't stand the silence Nick was giving. I tried to give him space, but I knew he was beating himself up over what had just happen, and I couldn't let him do that. It wasn't his fault. "Nick. I don't blame you for what just happen. You didn't rape me."

"Then what the hell was it? That sure wasn't like any sex I've ever had."

"I told you it was okay. You didn't hurt me, Jack did. You were careful, I know."

"I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry. Can we drop it now?"

"Yeah." I said, and I didn't know how to continue into the conversation so I allowed us to sit in silence. We let an hour pass in complete silence, then another hour. Before another hour could pass, Jack came in the room. He had started coming in a lot more frequently, and each time I died a little bit more inside.

"Ready for round two?" He asked. "I'll go first this time. I hope you've come to your senses, Nick."

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**Nick's POV**

I couldn't do this. I couldn't watch, I couldn't participate again, I couldn't handle any of this anymore. I was about to snap. I did snap. I pulled Jack off of her. He reached for his gun, and so did I. We struggled for the gun, and it fired at the ceiling, and ricocheted into the floor. I gave up with the gun, and decided to pound his head into the floor with my fist. The gun fired again, and I heard a moan from Olivia's direction. I punched him, and I punched him again and again and again until he was unable to fight me, then I took the gun, and I shot him. I shot him again and again and again until I knew he was dead. There was blood everywhere.

Then, I took the keys from his pocket, and released my ankle, and rushed to Olivia to release her wrist. I held her arm when I released it, seeing her shoulder had been hit by the second bullet. I set her arm down by her side, and searched Jack's pockets for a phone. I found one in his front pocket, but the battery had gone dead. "Nick..." She cried. She was losing a lot of blood. We had to get to a phone. I was not going to leave her alone in the room with Jack while I searched for a phone, even though I was certain he was dead. So, I helped her as we both limped out of the room, and we got our first glimpses of daylight in a long time. I was actually surprised to see it barely beginning to get light outside, I had expected it to be the middle of the night. I had lost all concept of time in that room.

I frantically searched around the entire house, but there was no landline in the house, and it had hardly even any decorations inside. It was used for one thing, and one thing only. That thing took place behind the hidden door in the sound proofed room.

I also searched the house for clothes, and I was able to find a couple of Jack's. It disgusted me to wear it, but it was better than leaving the house naked, seeing that we didn't have a choice but to leave. I helped Olivia with the t-shirt over her damaged shoulder. I explained to her what I had found about the house, and that we were going to have to leave in order to get help. Again, not willing to leave her alone with his body.

Then, I asked a huge favor. I wasn't sure how she would take it, but I decided to ask anyway. "Liv, could you not tell anyone I was raped?"

"Nick."

"I can't, I can't live like that, with everyone knowing. I mean what difference does it make? He's dead. Can we just keep it between us?"

"Nick I-"

"Please, Liv." I was begging, but I didn't care.

"I don't want to lie if they ask, but I will leave it out of my statement if you would like." She said in a hoarse whisper.

"Thank you." After that, we headed out the door, both majorly limping.

It was a small town, not too many things around, but there was one thing that caught my eye, a restaurant. We made our way there, slowly but steadily. Each step felt like a million miles, the restaurant wasn't too far away, but every step we took made me realize how far we actually had to travel. It felt like a long voyage, stranded in the desert, hoping either someone would see us, and stop to help or we could get to the closest road. In our case, the road was the restaurant. Nobody had come in or out of the restaurant, and I started to wonder if it was closed, or if Jack's friends ran the restaurant, but we couldn't afford to think like that. Olivia needed to get to a hospital ASAP. When we walked in, there were a couple others in there enjoying their breakfast, and we walked up to the front register. When the cashier saw us, he looked mortified. "What happen to you guys?"

I ignored his question, and asked my own. "Can we use a phone?"

"Yeah. Sure." He grabbed us a phone. I took it, and I was about to dial 911, but Olivia grabbed my hand, then took the phone from me. She dialed another number, the one number she could remember.

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**Fin's POV**

I heard my phone go off, but I was in too deep of a sleep to care.

"Answer your phone." I heard Amanda mumble from a bunk across the room.

I sat up, and saw it was from an unknown number. I was about to tell the person to get lost, but what I heard on the other end... was not what I was expecting.

"_Fin._" I heard her quiet voice say, followed by sobs.

My eyes shot open immediately, and I jumped out of bed. "Olivia?" That got Amanda up too as I sprinted out the room. "Where are you?"

"_We're at a restaurant. I-it's called... Amy's Diner... I think..._"

"I know exactly where that is. I'm on my way." I tried to say calmly, but my heart was beating out of my chest and my mind was racing a million miles an hour. I couldn't get in the car fast enough. "Is Nick with you?"

"_Yeah, uh, he's here._"

"Are you two alone?"

"_No, there's other people here._"

"Is Jack there?"

Pause. "_No_."

"Are you hurt?"

Pause. "_Yeah_."

"How badly?" My mind continued to race even faster. I heard a loud clatter. "Olivia, how badly are you hurt?" Nothing could describe the sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach, while a million horrifying images swirled through my mind when she didn't respond to my question.

"_Olivia? Are you okay?"_ It was Nick. "_Hey, sorry. Um, we have to go. Don't worry, just get here._" He said, and then hung up. Nothing could've made me worry more.

I filled Rollins in on the way there. I drove as fast as I could, not willing to risk losing any time. I was grasping onto the steering wheel with white knuckles, sweat seeping from my palms and also my forehead. My heart racing almost as fast as the car I was driving, and my stomach churning as my mind went over every worst case scenario in my head. Once I filled her in, Rollins called it in, but by then we were almost there.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

She dropped the phone, and fell to her knees. I thought she was going to pass out, but instead she started sobbing. "Hey, help is on the way." I tried to comfort. Then, I realized everyone staring, and I decided to move us into a booth. I tried to apply pressure, but she made a weak attempt to stop me, and I pulled away. I couldn't hurt her, not any more. She doubled over in pain, and her head landed in my lap. She started sobbing in my lap. "It's okay. We're gonna be okay. Help is on the way. Just a few more minutes." I said while softly stroking her hair. An employee of the diner came over to us and asked if she could help, but I told her we were okay, and we had already called for someone. I didn't want her seeing how broken we actually were, I wanted everyone in that restaurant to keep a good distance from us. They were not the people I wanted seeing me at my lowest, but neither were Fin or Amanda, or even Liv, I didn't want her to see all that she had.

I wasn't sure what I really expected when we escaped. I had spent the past six days praying for an escape, a rescue, and here we were. It didn't feel real, it still felt like we were trapped in Jack's realm of torture. We had escaped, but had we really? Would we ever truly escape? It seemed more impossible now, than ever.

A while later we heard sirens, and I almost burst into tears out of pure relief when I saw Fin and Amanda come running. I managed to keep my composure, and spoke what Olivia couldn't. "She was shot in the shoulder, she's lost a lot of blood." I scooted out of the booth so, they could get to her.

"Liv?" Fin said cautiously.

"Fin!" She barely whispered with so much relief. She collapsed into his arms sobbing as he held her. He shot a worried glance at Amanda who shot one back at him. I knew they were wondering what all we had been put through. They had no idea...

* * *

**Fin's POV**

As soon as I parked at the restaurant I sprinted inside. Once inside, I found Nick and Olivia huddled up in a booth. Her face was bruised heavily, and her left eye almost swollen completely shut. There was a lot of blood, and they were both in different clothing. I knew what that meant. Most of her blood was rushing from the shoulder, but there was a small area between her legs that was stained red as well. I had to keep my mind in check as I focused on not running out to kill Jack, wherever that sick bastard was. Nick stood from the booth, and I took his place by Liv. "Liv?"

"Fin." As soon as I sat by her, she fell into my arms, sobbing.

I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I had never seen her this distraught before, and my heart crumbled for her. I looked up at Amanda, and she wore the same look on her face. _What the hell had that son of a bitch done?_

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I stayed in Nick's lap until help arrived. I saw Fin and Amanda come running in, and I wanted to hide. I was so ashamed of everything, I was so weak. I thought I was going to be happy to see them, but instead it made me want to disappear.

Nick told them about my shoulder, and when I looked over at Fin I saw no judgment from him, only concern. Nick stood up, and Fin sat by me. "Liv?" Still, I saw no judgment, and I couldn't help but collapse into his arms.

"Fin!" I knew he would keep me safe. I couldn't stop crying I couldn't tell the reason for my crying. It was a mixture of relief, shame, pain, and exhaustion.

"Liv, where's Jack?" My skin started to crawl, and I cringed at the mention of his name.

"He's in the room. He's dead." It felt good to finally say that, but it made me realize that it could've been me dead in that room. I actually wish it was me.

Soon after, the paramedics arrived, and took me and Fin in the ambulance. There were two male paramedics, one I decided I didn't trust, for no apparent reason, and that one ended up in the back with me. I wouldn't let go of Fin, I needed him. I kept blinking in and out of consciousness the entire ride, always waking up to Fin telling me to stay with him, that I needed to hang in a little longer. I tried, but it was so hard for me to stay awake. I held his hand all the way to the operating room while he kept assuring me I would be okay. I believed him.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I offered to ride with Nick to the hospital, but he insisted on being alone. I reluctantly respected his wishes although, I didn't like it. When we got outside, Nick pointed out the house they were kept in. I thought it was weird because we had searched that house when we were looking for them.

Murphy arrived just after us, and so he and I went in together to search the house.

We walked in, and were immediately aware of the secret door we had missed before. Nick and Liv hadn't bothered to close it, and I'm glad they didn't or we might not have found it without their help. We skipped searching the rest of the house, and went straight for the torture chamber. I was not in any way prepared for what was on the other side of that door. When I stepped in the door I was immediately introduced to the horrors of the room. The blood, urine, vomit, and sweat engraved into the walls and mattress, and stained in the air. I wanted to puke. I saw Jack lying by the foot of the bed, beaten and shot to a bloody pulp. That was the only good thing in the room, his _dead_ body. I looked to the side and found a pile of ashes with a few pieces of metal left, and it was obvious what he had done with their clothes. I took only a few steps into the room before I squatted down, holding my stomach. I tried to control my stomach from releasing itself in the middle of the room.

"Are you okay?" Murphy asked.

"Yeah. It's just... a lot worse than I expected."

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**I told you it would come soon! So did you like it? I know most of us (myself included) have been waiting the whole story for this chapter so I hope I was able to do it justice! So, would it be too much to see if we can get this story to 100 reviews? If we can, I'll update the next day, after you reach 100!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15! How quick was this update? Thanks for the 100 reviews! I apologize for any medical inaccuracies, all my medical knowledge comes from SVU and CSI.**

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**Nick's POV**

"I was not raped."

"If you were passed out for any portion of the time, it's highly recommended that you are thoroughly examined."

"Well I wasn't ever passed out. Okay, only a couple times, but Liv told me everything that happen while I was out. And I'm not sore!" This nurse was getting on my last nerve. I told her I wasn't raped, and she wouldn't take my word for it. I was about to ask for a different nurse, but she finally accepted what I had been saying all along.

I knew it was not going to be easy keeping this secret, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make in order to maintain some respect.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I sat in the waiting room alone for a few hours. Nick refused to see anybody, and Olivia had just come out of surgery and visitors weren't allowed in her room yet. I spotted Amanda and Murphy walking up to the hospital, and as I was walking to meet them, the nurse came out. "Detective Tutuola?"

"Yes?"

"You are here for Olivia Benson, is that correct?"

"Yes, is she okay?" I swear my heart skipped a beat.

"She's fine. She should be waking up soon, and I think it would be best if you were there when she does." She turned around. "Follow me. Oh, and I'm Tricia by the way." I followed close behind as she led me to Olivia's room. As we passed one room I could hear someone having a heated argument with a nurse... then I realized that was Nick. "Right on in here." She held the door open for me.

"Thank you." I said, and she joined me in the room. I sat down by the side of the bed, and held her perfectly good, left hand in mine. I couldn't believe she was lying in that bed in front of me. Alive, after a week of brutalization, she had somehow managed to survive. I knew about all the sick twisted stuff Jack did to his victims, and I was proud of Olivia for surviving. "How bad are her injuries?"

"She sustained a single GSW to the shoulder it just missed her major artery so we were able to make a clean extraction. Her opposite shoulder was dislocated about a week ago, and never treated. She needed several stitches to her vaginal region, and also for a couple lacerations across her body. She also sustained a concussion, and a sprained wrist as well as severe bruising to her thighs and face, and severe anal fissures. Those are just the major injuries. She's lucky she survived."

I tried to take it all in, but it was just too much.

"Knock knock." I heard Amanda's voice as she and Murphy entered the room. "One of the nurses told us you guys were in here. How is she?"

"Alive." I said.

"That's what matters, right? She can recover from this, she's tough."

The nurse, Tricia, spoke up. "Um, I'm actually only supposed to allow two in the room at a time, but I can see she will need the support when she wakes up and I trust you to have her best interest as well."

"Maybe I should go. You know, I haven't known her that long, and I'm her boss. I'll go see what I can find out about Nick." Murphy said as he exited.

I felt her hand squeeze mine, and I looked over at her. Her eyes shot open, then she pushed me away and started flailing her arms and legs in the air. The nurse rushed by her other side to try and calm her. It wasn't at all good for her to be moving like that with her injuries. "Liv, Liv, it's me Fin. You're safe now. Jack's dead, he can't hurt you." She calmed down, and looked over at me with wide eyes. She sat frozen for a while, holding her breath. "Breathe. Liv, just breathe, you're okay. Nobody's gonna hurt you."

She exhaled and inhaled shakily. "You got it. Deep breaths." She grabbed onto my arm with the better of her arms, and started crying. I pulled her in for a hug, and she clung to me, soaking my shirt with tears.

Amanda looked terrified, it was hard for me to see Olivia like this too, but I knew Amanda was taking this more personally, thinking it could have been her, instead of Olivia.

She continued clinging to my shirt, and eventually I managed to calm her so her breathing was steady once again.

"Where's Nick?" She suddenly snapped into reality.

"He's in another room. He's refusing to see anybody." Amanda told her.

"I have to talk to him."

"Okay, um maybe in a little, but if you want to tell me, I can try to get him the message."

"No, no, I just want to talk to him."

"Liv, you can't do that right now. I'm sorry." I said.

She started to cry again. "Liv, it's okay. This is over, you don't need to worry." I couldn't believe how much Jack had gotten to her. I had only seen her cry a couple times before, but today it was like she couldn't stop. Every little thing anyone said triggered the tears.

"I don't want to do this. Any of this."

"I know, but trust me when I say I'm looking out for you, and it would be in your and Nick's best interest if you were to not talk until after you give your statements. They may try to get him for excessive force."

"Okay."

"I need to check her injuries, and just make sure everything is how we would like it at this point." Tricia informed us.

I nodded. "Would you like Amanda or me to stay with you?"

She shook her head, and we both exited the room.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

It was so overwhelming to be with them. They were so clean, I was the exact opposite. They were kind to me. I had been shown nothing but cruelty for the past week, with the exception of Nick who did the best he could to make everything better, but there was only so much he could do. Then, he stopped being able to even look at me after Jack had raped him. Fin and Amanda wanted so badly to help me, but I couldn't be helped, it was too late.

The nurse started with what she had to do, and I ignored her at first, but as it got more invasive, I couldn't take it. "Stop. Please. I can't do this."

"Detective Benson..." was all I heard. I couldn't get past it. _Detective... _it almost sounded foreign. How am I expected to help other people when I obviously can't even help myself? "Detective." She said again. "Would you like me to invite someone in for you?"

"No, no I'm fine. Just, I'm sorry, keep going." I said, but I guess I didn't mean it because, as soon as she looked like she was about to touch me panic surged through my body. "No, no. I can't do this."

"Maybe I should get someone."

"Yeah." I don't know why I agreed, I hated that idea even more.

"Do you have a preference?"

"No, whoever is out there." I said, again not meaning the words that fell from my mouth. I used the two minutes I was alone to collect myself, and mentally prepare for the checkup. It was a stupid checkup, and I couldn't even get through that. I felt so pathetic. The nurse entered with Amanda. I was hoping for Fin, but I didn't want him to feel pressured into it and end up uncomfortable. I didn't want Amanda because, she had always looked at me with such admiration, and I knew after this, she wouldn't. She will always see me as a victim.

She took a seat next to me.

_I don't need to pay someone to sit and listen to my problems_.

Well, imagine what she's going to think of me after this. She took my hand, but I pulled it away. She couldn't see me as weak. I grasped the sheets of the bed until my knuckles turned a ghostly white. I couldn't escape Amanda's stare, her eyes were burning right through my skin, revealing every point of weakness and insecurity. The nurse examined my chest, revealing all the bite marks, lacerations, and bruises to Amanda. I couldn't look at her. I wanted to tell her to leave, but she was actually helping, I didn't realize it at first, but then as I regained control of my mind I realized I had been paying no attention to what the nurse had been doing, how she had even redressed a couple wounds without me noticing. I was too worried about Amanda. The nurse started rolling up my sheets to check my legs, then rolled it up further. "No." I said in a deep whisper. The nurse looked to Amanda as if she needed her to control me, and tell me I had to do this.

"Liv, if she doesn't check, you can get infected, and end up in the hospital for much longer. And I know you well enough to know, you want outta here."

"He's dead. Why does he still get to torture me?"

"He doesn't. Jack will never get to hurt you again."

The word cut me like a knife to the heart. It hurt to think about him, he had caused me so much pain, and he continued to at just the mention of his name. I slightly nodded, a tear slipping from my eye, and I quickly wiped it away. I wrapped my arms around myself as I realized the nurse was ready, and only waiting on my consent.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I don't know why the nurse had called me in, she didn't seem to need me, or anyone for that matter. She self-soothed by wrapping her arms around herself, and pushed me away. I studied her, wondering how much Jack was able to do in those seven days. I wanted answers, but I decided to remain quiet and trust she would tell me if she ever wanted to.

Olivia sat with her eyes glued shut as we both waited for her consent to go any farther. She sat unmoving, and the nurse shot me a look that said to talk to her. "Liv." She didn't respond. "Liv, you need to do this."

She nodded. "I'm sorry, go ahead." She said, and pushed her head back in the pillow as the nurse pulled up the covers, exposing her lower half to the nurse. This made Olivia especially jumpy. She jumped at even the smallest noises, of people passing through the hall way, of the nurse shuffling her papers, every little thing seemed to send her nearly flying out of the bed.

"You're okay, Liv." I assured her. "You can do this."

The nurse touched her, and Olivia jumped with a moan she tried to conceal. "Ow. Please, careful. It really hurts."

"I'll try to be more gentle." The nurse said in a soft tone. She touched her again, applying a bit of the medicine, and Olivia did everything she could to try to send herself flying out of the bed. She grabbed hold of my wrist, and I bit my lip to stifle the sound that wanted to escape from my lips.

"You're almost through it, you're doing great." I encouraged, but I couldn't tell if she heard me. "Just breathe, you'll be fine."

The nurse paused, and looked up at Olivia. "This is the last thing alright, just hang in there."

Olivia nodded, but as soon as the nurse touched the rest if the medicine on her she dug her nails into my arm, and moaned in pain. She threw her head back in the pillow, and the tears started up again. "It's almost over." I told her, and the nurse was finished.

"Alright. You did great Miss Benson. Everything looks the way it should at this point." She said, and covered her back up with the sheets.

"Amanda, can you go?" She asked in a small voice.

"Of course, just promise me you'll let me know if you need anything."

"I'm fine, but thanks."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

As soon as she left I turned to a puddle of tears. It was a checkup, _a checkup_ and I couldn't even keep it together I couldn't believe what I had just allowed one of my coworkers to witness. I wasn't even that close with Amanda, and I had allowed her to see all of my injuries, she saw me at one of my lowest points.

Nick was the only person who had seen me at my absolute lowest, and he was really the only one I trusted to see me at any sort of low. They weren't letting me see him though. I needed to talk to him before I gave my statement and make sure he didn't have a change of heart. I knew that if we stuck to the truth, everything would work out, but that was just the thing, we weren't sticking to the truth.

I only agreed to help him keep his secret because, I saw the desperation in his eyes. They were pleading, like I was his last hope at some relief, and after everything he had done for me I thought it was only fair. I guess I was thinking I could help him work it out on my own.

While all my thoughts were streaming through my mind, I realized I was so extremely tired, and I fell into a deep sleep hoping I would never wake up.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

After the nurse assessed my injuries, she wouldn't let it drop. She kept insisting I allow them to examine my entire body in case there were any more injuries I wasn't aware of.

"Your injuries are consistent with-"

"- GET OUT! I want a different nurse!" I shouted at her, and she looked at me, frightened, then left the room.

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**I know this chapter was mostly about Olivia, but next chapter will have more Nick so, don't worry! Don't be afraid to leave a review.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Here you go! Chapter 16!**

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**Fin's POV**

After I left Olivia's room, I went to see what was up with Nick. I had heard arguments earlier, and just as I was walking by I saw an agitated looking nurse walk all too fast out of his room. I stopped her, and asked what had happened.

"He requested a different nurse because, I insisted on doing my job thoroughly." She said with a bit of an attitude.

"What do you mean?"

"He claims he wasn't sexually assaulted, but his other injuries such as bruises suggest otherwise."

"I'll talk to him." I said, and walked into his room. He was lying down, and as soon as I came in he sat up.

"Oh great, she couldn't handle me so she sent you in."

"I heard you gave her a hard time."

"Girl didn't know what she was doing. I'd just appreciate some respect you know, everybody treating me like I'm some kind of a victim."

"You were missing for six days, you had us running all over the city trying to find you! We're just glad to see you, don't get that confused with treating you like a victim."

"I just can't stand this babying everyone has been giving me."

"I get it. But just take it easy, don't worry so much about it." I started to leave, and then I acted like I had just remembered something although, I had never actually forgotten. "Oh, and the nurse wanted me to ask you what the big deal was with not allowing her to do her job thoroughly?"

"Because it's a waste of time! I know what happen, and I know what didn't happen."

"Nick, you know there's no shame if something did happen, right?"

"Nothing happen! Why can't anyone believe me!? Why won't anyone believe I was kidnapped, and forced to watch her be raped over and over, watching her BEG him to end her life!? He didn't touch me, but what he did to her... he broke her. I just- How is she holding up?"

"She's traumatized, she's been through a lot, that much is obvious."

"You have no idea, Fin." He said, and rested his head back. The words hit me hard because, I knew they were true. No matter how much the doctor told me, no matter how much Olivia would ever tell me, I would still have no idea how horrible it actually was over those days. I had a slight idea, but it would never compare to how much Nick knew, or what she actually had to go through. I left the room, my mind still reeling from his words.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

_How the hell does Fin know? Maybe Olivia told him... she couldn't._ After he left the room I relieved the pain by lying down again. I was fuelled with so much anger lying there waiting to be waited on. I had to keep reminding myself Jack was dead, and taking it out on these people wouldn't make a difference. He was dead, I had killed him, I killed him... crap! IAB was going to be swarming this place, and I was going to have to tell my story over and over. They were going to go after me. I had shot the man five times on top of beating him unconscious. They are definitely going to have no trouble in proving excessive force. But what they don't know what I had to go through. I had to watch Olivia be hurt so badly by him, her screams, her cries, I had to be there every time he finished with her. Every nightmare she had, every time it hurt her too bad to even open her eyes. I had to be there, I had to watch it. I didn't use excessive force, I gave him what he deserved. Actually, he deserved worse, I was easy on him. I couldn't make him suffer, so I made sure he couldn't make us suffer anymore. I didn't care if IAB wanted to throw me in prison for the rest for my life. Jack was dead, and he couldn't hurt her anymore. That was what really mattered. The nurse thinks my rage is because he raped me, but he didn't. I was never raped, despite what the pain in my backend was telling me at every second, I would never admit to it. I wasn't, I couldn't have been. I would've never let that happen. I'm stronger than him. I proved that when I took him out, me an unarmed 'victim?' taking down an armed maniac. No, I was stronger than him, I could not possibly be his victim.

Another nurse walked into the room, and I sat up again, already annoyed with her.

"Hello, my name is Tricia, so I guess I get the both of you?"

That sparked my attention. "Liv? How is she?"

"Physically, she'll live."

"It's bad isn't it? I never should've let that happen. I was supposed to protect her."

"I know it's not my place, and I know that I only know very limited information, but it wasn't your fault. That guy was a psycho."

"So are you in here to be my therapist or what?"

"You brought it up, but we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

I just nodded, and sat back. Finally someone wasn't going to pressure me.

"And the other nurse, she's new. She does everything by the book. Me, I'll take your word for it. Why waste my time, right? I got other patients waiting on me."

I was so relieved to hear that. "Thank you." And for the first time since Olivia went missing I was able to take a breath, and relax for a bit.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I saw Lieutenant Tucker walk into the hospital. "Aw hell no." I didn't care I said it aloud. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I heard there was an officer involved shooting, and I am here to take their statements."

"They went through hell, can't you give 'em a day?" I was already sick of his bullshit.

"You've been a detective long enough, I would expect you to know the sooner we get their statements the more accurate they will be."

"At least lemme make sure she's ready for this. And if not, you can wait here until she is. Deal?"

"I guess that's fair enough."

I walked back to Olivia's room, fully knowing she was going to say she wasn't ready, and hating to put the pressure on her to start thinking about it. "Hey. How you doing?" I asked when I entered.

She shook her head, the tears already starting. "I don't wanna talk right now. I just want to be alone. Please."

"Okay. Get some rest. Have them get me if you need someone. I'll be right outside."

She nodded, and I hated to leave her alone like that, but it was what she asked for, and I had to respect that, and I closed the door. That answer was good enough for me. She answered my question perfectly, without me even needing to ask. I returned to the waiting room, and told Tucker he was gonna have to wait. He wasn't too happy, but he respected that she needed time, and took a seat. "What about Amaro?"

"I'll ask." I said, and went to his room. "Hey. How's it going?"

"Is that a joke?"

"No, I just, it was a legitimate question."

"I'm fine." He said.

"So, you wouldn't mind giving your statement to Tucker then? He's waiting outside whenever you're ready. I told him he had to wait until you guys were ready so there's no rush."

"It's fine. Send him in."

If he was fine with it, I was too. I let Tucker know he was ready, and directed him back toward the room.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I was dreading this more than ever. Tucker of all people to be the first one I tell.

"So, Detective Amaro. Would you like to tell me everything that happen in that room over the course of the six days you were held there?"

"There's not a whole lot to tell. He raped her and made me watch."

"By 'him' you mean Jackson Aimes?"

"Yes."

"And by 'her' you mean Sergeant Olivia Benson?"

"Yes."

"Okay, continue."

"He burned our clothes toward the end somewhere, after I had tried to strangle him with my belt. The next time he got on top of her I couldn't take it anymore. I took necessary action to ensure he wouldn't be able to hurt her."

"Necessary action? You mean beating him blind, then shooting him five times?"

"Yes."

"I find that a bit excessive, wouldn't you say?"

"No. You didn't see what I did."

"What exactly did you see? Tell me more about that."

I told him the entire story. Everything Jack had done to her, every time I held her after. I told him about how he made me watch. Every sickening detail of those six days. I didn't cry, I didn't doubt myself. I just told the events as they happened.

After, he asked me, "What are those marks on your arms from?"

"She was scared. I tried to comfort her." I didn't tell him I was holding her while he was inside her, and I was too. I left the whole part about me out. It wasn't something I wanted to tell, or even begin to try to explain. "Is that all?" I asked, trying to get rid of him and it worked.

Once he left my room, I grabbed the closest object I could find and threw it at the wall, cursing Jack under my breath.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I had slept for most of the day, and it was all I ever felt like doing since the escape. The nurse said it could be because of the lack of sleep for the past week, or heavy anesthetics I had previously been under. They take a while to wear off, but that didn't explain my constant crying. I felt so out of control. Every time someone would speak to me I would burst into tears for no apparent reason, and I felt so stupid because, they could ask me literally anything and I would fall apart.

I wanted to talk to Nick more than anything though. He had been so strong for me, then he fell apart. I got word he was refusing to talk to anybody, and I knew it was because he didn't want them to find the truth. I had to talk to him. I was the only one who knew, and could help him. I knew I had to give my statement before I could see him, but how much was I supposed to leave out? Just when Jack raped him? The part with me too? Whatever you want to call that. The... there was something else he did to Nick. Oh gosh... I couldn't remember. What was happening? What did he do to me? I tried recounting the events in my head, but there were huge time gaps where I couldn't remember at all. Tricia walked into the room in time to see me in panic. "Are you alright?"

"Can you get Fin? I need Fin." I said, remembering his words earlier. He entered the room only a minute later. "Fin. I can't remember. Everything is all hazy and jumbled."

"It's okay. You don't need to remember it right now." He could see how distraught I was over this.

"But I- this has never happened, not this bad. I- I don't even remember..." _I couldn't tell him that. What else couldn't I remember? I don't know because, I can't remember._ I felt like I was losing my mind.

"Just calm down. Take a breath. It'll come to you. Sometimes these things take time. What you don't remember now will come back in bits and pieces."

"Fin, I don't even want to remember. Once I do I'll never be able to forget, but not knowing what he did scares the hell out of me." I cried, and he just took me in his arms until my tears subsided. I sniffled and brushed away the remnants of the tears. "Sorry, I'm such a mess."

"You went through hell, I wouldn't expect you to be all sunshine and rainbows. You're a real person, you're allowed to have feelings, you don't have to apologize for it."

Fin's words went straight to my heart, and I was about to start with the water works again, but I sniffled them back. I decided I needed to get some sleep before I fell apart again, and I asked for some time, and he respectfully listened to me, and left my room.

I didn't try remembering again, I just went to sleep. I thought maybe it would all come back to me when I woke up.

_I was sitting on the side of my bed, waiting for Nick to finally come in. The doctors said I could finally see him. He walked in, with his head down, not even willing to meet my eyes. "Nick, Nick look at me." I said. _

_When he looked up, he had Jack's eyes. I froze at first, then I tried to run, I couldn't. I tried to scream, I couldn't. I tried pushing him away from me, but he just held my hands. He didn't hurt me, but his eyes were terrifying me. _

_I felt something push my back, and I turned around to see Jack. I tried to scream, I tried to do something. Fin was right outside, if I could get him to hear me, he'll protect me. I was fighting him, then he grabbed my arm. "Stop! No!" I couldn't move. "Please, not again."_

"_Olivia, Olivia." He said as he started stroking my hair, and climbed into the bed._

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**Well, there's that. Please leave a review! **


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm so sorry for the long wait, but it's here! Chapter 17!**

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**Olivia's POV**

I woke up in a panic, but I was quickly able to identify Fin, Amanda, and the nurse Tricia, next to me, trying to calm me down. "I'm sorry." I said, still shaking. I was still terrified beyond belief, but I was awake enough to know I wasn't in any real danger at the time being.

"Don't be." Fin said, and he brushed the tangled hair that had fallen in front of my face to the side. I jumped a little, and he apologized.

"When can I give my statement? I want to see Nick." I asked, and they all exchanged glances. "What? Is he okay?"

"He's pretty messed up." Amanda said.

"Physically or?"

Tricia answered me. "Both physically and emotionally, except he's refusing proper treatment. He is continuously denying Jack assaulted him in any way, but his other injuries suggest otherwise."

"Liv, was Nick assaulted?" Fin asked me.

This was it. The moment I had to choose. I contemplated telling them everything, but they said he wasn't doing well, and that hit me in the heart. _Maybe if I were to, at least for now, let him have a little space and calm down. He could finally be able to have some peace like he deserved._ But I couldn't lie to them... They would find out eventually. "No, just me." I said, sounding more convincing than I felt. Everyone let out a breath of relief, and I felt guiltier than ever. The first reason being, I had lied straight to all of their faces, giving them a false sense of peace. Thinking, Jack had spared us of something, allowed us to maintain some humanity, but it wasn't true. The second reason was because, they hadn't been able to experience the same relief with me. From the second they saw me in the booth of the restaurant, their fears had been confirmed, and there was nothing any of us could have done about it. I had that horrific red stain between my legs that spoke a thousand words without me having to say a thing. I thought about everything Jack had done to me, to Nick. If I was going to go back there, I wanted to get my statement over with while I was at it. "So, can I give my statement now?"

"I'll get him." Amanda said, and rushed out of the door.

Fin was about to follow her out, but I called after him. "Fin?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay? I can't do this alone."

"Of course I can. Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

"No. But I don't really have a choice. The sooner the better." I said, and I regretted my decision to give my statement at that moment. I realized how not ready I was for this, and I squeezed Fin's hand as I heard the footsteps approaching the room. An unknown male walked into the room.

"Hello, I'm Justin Rivers. Tucker had a meeting to attend to, so he sent me here. Shall we get started?"

I looked over to Fin, and he just stared back at me, making sure the decision was completely up to me, but he would be there either way. "Yeah, okay." I said. I started shaking, and I grabbed onto Fin, not sure if I could do this. I took a deep breath, and I started to tell him everything.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I could feel her palms sweating in mine, and I could visibly see her entire body shaking. She started to tell Rivers about the first night, and I could tell it was already so hard for her to get through. I was sickened just by that.

Then, she got to Nick's arrival, and the first rape. She was already crying incredibly hard, and I couldn't stop my own tears from falling. She told about how Nick had to watch, and all I could think was, Jack was lucky he was dead. I would have hunted him down and ensured a slow and painful death for him if he had still been alive. Every added detail made my fist curl a bit more, but I was able to remain calm for her. I offered small gestures of comfort when she started talking inaudibly through the sobs. She started crying so hard at one point, I didn't know if she would be able to continue. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Fin. I didn't mean to put you through this."

My heart completely shattered for her. "No, don't be sorry. Do you need a break?"

She shook her head, and wiped the tears before she continued, but they were just as quickly replaced with new ones. She continued to recount the events, each time Jack got sicker and sicker with his torture. She broke down after saying he brought in a brown bag. She couldn't tell us what was in it before she started sobbing, and fell into my arms. I told Rivers to give us a moment, and he left the room. "Hey, Liv, you're okay. He can't hurt you anymore."

"Yes, he can. Fin, what he did... it will be with me, for the rest of my life."

"But it doesn't have to control you. He's gone, you're the boss now. You tell him what he can and cannot do. He can't fight back."

"Tell me that when you know the whole story." She leaned back in her bed, wiping her tears.

"I know enough, and I know you well enough to know he's got _nothing_ on you."

"Fin, don't try to play it down. Jack, he made me feel like a wimp for crying over Lewis. There aren't even words to explain how horrible it was. I can't do this, Fin."

"Would you like me to tell Rivers to come back another day?"

"No, send him in. I'll get through, eventually." She said with a sniffle, and wiped her tears again.

"Yeah, it's no rush." I left to find him, and he was still standing right outside the door. I thought that seemed a little weird, but who was I kidding, this was IAB. I walked with him in the room, and took a seat on Olivia's left, by her good side, and let Rivers sit to her right. She grabbed my hand immediately, and I could already feel her shaking. I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb in hopes to calm her.

"You ready to continue?" He asked, and she nodded. "So, what happen when he brought out the bag?"

A flood of tears fell from her eyes, and she started sobbing once again. I knew by her reaction I would never be ready for whatever she told me. She was able to calm the sobs faster this time, and started to tell us what he had done. My mouth covered my hand in an attempt to stop the sound that still barely managed to escape my lips. She told about what she had made Nick do after, and I suddenly understood what he was so worked up about. I had thought it was something Jack had done directly to him, but it really was because of what Jack had put Olivia through. I still wasn't fully done processing it when she moved on to the last time. She was very vague with it, and it was sort of jumbled. She told about him burning their clothes, because of what Nick had done, then he punished her for it. He raped her again. I couldn't hate him more for all the times he had hurt her, everything he had done. I don't think it's humanly possible for someone to hate a man more than I hate Jack. I had known Olivia for sixteen years, and I had never seen her as she was. I had been there during Sealview, after Lewis, but this was completely different. She was changed even more by this, and I could tell, everything in her was gone. I knew it would come back, but I was scared it would not come back as the same Olivia we all knew and loved. But I knew however she was after the initial blow of all this passed, she would still be Olivia Benson, and we would love her no matter what. I didn't like to think like that, I wanted to say she would be the exact same person she was before, but I knew that was irrational thinking, and I needed to be realistic about this.

She got to the part where Amanda and I arrived at the restaurant, and I told Rivers we were done.

He shook his head, "I just have a few more questions. When Detective Amaro killed him, was Jack alive until the final shot?" She flinched at the mention of his name.

"I heard him groaning at the blows, and shots."

"Did you see if he was alive?"

"I had been shot myself, and all I was concerned with was Nick not getting shot, and leaving me alone with Jack."

"How many times were you assaulted over the course of the week?"

She burst into tears. I couldn't stay quiet. "You have her full statement, count it yourself."

"I have to be sure she's not leaving anything out."

"I'll assure you, if she remembers anything else, she'll let you know."

"I need to be sure. There are large amounts of time missing from her statement."

"Are you _trying_ to re traumatize her? I won't accept that behavior on my watch. You can leave now, and if Tucker has any problems, tell him he can take it up with me. Got that?" I said, and slammed the hospital door in his face which caused Olivia to jump. "What an ass." I said, and turned to Olivia who was still crying in the bed. I walked over, and took her in my arms, and whispered soothing words into her ear as she started to fall asleep, allowing pure exhaustion to claim her.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Amanda entered my room after hearing something hitting the wall. "Hey, is everything alright in here?" She asked me. I looked over at her, rage filling my eyes, and fear filling hers. "Nick, are you alright?" She started to slowly walk toward me with her hands in a defensive position in front of her, ready to be raised in order shield herself if I were to throw something at her.

"I'm fine. I'm fine."

She relaxed as she got closer to me. "You know you could tell me if you're not, right? And I wouldn't tell anybody."

"I know." I was annoyed with people telling me that, and I didn't want to get angry with her so I tried to stay calm. "How's Liv?"

"She'll be okay. She keeps asking for you."

"Me? What does she want from me? After I let all that happen?"

"Nick, this isn't your fault."

I was so tired of hearing that too. "Then who the hell's fault was it!? Huh? I was there. I was supposed to protect her!"

"It wasn't your fault. It was Jack's it's all on him. None of this is on you or Olivia."

"Well, obviously it's not on her. But I could've protected her. I took him with my bare hands, I could've done that sooner."

"He had a gun, he could have killed you, and her."

"She wasn't worried about that, she was more concerned with me."

"What do you mean?" She took a step closer to me, and sat beside me.

"While Jack was... with the... objects... she begged him to end her life. He said I had to agree to it, but I couldn't. Amanda, she begged me to ask him to kill her." A tear escaped, and I wiped it quickly. Another one fell, and I wiped it, but it was quickly replaced, and I gave up. For the first time, I broke down in front of a coworker that wasn't Olivia.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

It was terrifying seeing Nick dissolve to tears, but finally everything concerning his behavior started to make sense. I had always thought he was so strong, and he could muscle his way through everything, but I guess no one is that strong. I just never expected him to cry in front of me. I sat next to him on the bed, and allowed him to cry on my shoulder. He accepted my presence for a few minutes, but then he pushed away, and wiped his tears. "Never tell anyone about what you just saw."

I feared that if I didn't agree, he would never trust me again. "I promise. Nick, whatever you tell me, it stays between us. I'm just here to support you, it's not my place to tell anyone anything." I felt bad that I couldn't help him more. I could tell how hard it was for him to deal with this on his own. But I also knew that was how he was choosing to deal with it, and until he asked for my help there wasn't much I could do. I just couldn't stand seeing him like this, and I hoped this would all pass soon enough.

I was having a real hard time dealing with this without gambling. I knew they had it a lot worse than I did, but I couldn't help but to relate all this to myself. I wanted to tell them to show them how much I actually understood, but I didn't want the focus to be put onto me. I know Nick and Olivia, if I told them, they'd come back with a bunch of questions, and before long they'd be the ones helping me, not the other way around. That's why I decided to keep my mouth shut, and allow them to heal without me getting in their way, demanding attention to myself. I really wanted to share that connection with them, but I couldn't tell them, even though I wanted to.

* * *

**Please review! Do you like the Fin/Olivia? I know, I know, I don't ship Rollaro, but Fin can't be in two places at once, and I promise this won't turn into a Rollaro fic! So, do you like how I'm doing this?**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 wow.**

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"Fin!" She popped awake with wide eyes.

"I'm right here."

"Fin, I remembered something. It came back to me while I was asleep."

She looked terrified, and I hated to have to ask her what it was, being she was still clearly traumatized by whatever it was. It was playing on her mind, showing her the images, taunting at every second at what she was remembering, and I could see it written all over her face. "Liv, what did you remember?"

"He gave me a bath... That's it. I'm sorry, I don't remember when or before or after or anything."

"That's okay, it's okay."

"I guess I have to tell IAB huh?" She said, casting her eyes downward. I couldn't force her to do that if she didn't want to, it was only one detail, and she couldn't remember anything about it. Plus, she had already been forced to do so much she didn't want to, and I didn't want to add to that.

"Why don't we wait until you can remember more about it. Just take it easy right now, don't worry about it."

She nodded. "Can I see Nick?"

"Lemme check it out." I said and left her room.

When I went to see where Nick was, I was informed he had already been released from the hospital and had jetted out of there when he got the okay. Amanda had given him a ride to his house, and supposedly had everything under control over there. He had pretty much shut everyone out, but Amanda said she was starting to get through to him so, we left the talking up to her. It was hard though, for me to have to continuously tell Olivia she couldn't talk to Nick when, it seemed like it was all she wanted to do.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Amanda hung up her phone, and walked over to me while I was standing in my kitchen drinking a beer.

"You think that's the best thing to do right now?"

"You gonna tell me it's not?"

"I know I shouldn't really be talking, but drowning-"

"- then don't." I said, and took another sip of my drink. She didn't have the right to tell me what to do, after every time she had screwed up. "Who was that on the phone?"

"Fin, he said Olivia really wants to see you."

"Of course she does."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, is just, we know everything about each other. It wouldn't be hard to see her at all."

"I think you should go over there. Tomorrow."

"I can't do that." There was no way I could look at Olivia. She knew. She knew everything, she saw it. I would never be able to look at her again, at least I didn't think I would ever be able to. I knew I would eventually have to face her, but I didn't want it to be anytime soon.

"Yes you can, and I'm gonna make you. Okay? And I'm also gonna limit you to three beers tonight."

"What? You can't do that!"

"Well, I'm going to. Look, I know you went through a lot with her, but that doesn't mean you throw everything away. Believe it or not, something can come from this, but you can't shut out the people who care. Just talk to her, once. Then, I won't make you talk to her again, you get to decide when that will be. Alright?"

"Okay." I said, I mean one conversation couldn't really hurt too much, right? Plus, Amanda never said how long it had to be. _I can just go in, ask her how she is, and leave before she asks me any questions, right?_

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

"Nick's coming tomorrow." Fin told me, but I didn't know how to feel about it. I had been asking to talk to him, but now that I actually was going to, I was nervous. I didn't know what to say to him, what he was going to say to me... I was nervous I'd melt down in front of him again, and then he wouldn't want to see me again. I couldn't help but to think he was avoiding me because of something I had done. It could've been a million things, and I would never know what, and end up repeating myself over and over again, pushing Nick further and further away.

"You okay?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, just thinking, you know." I said, not really wanting to explain, and I guess he got the hint because, he let it go. "You know, you don't have to stay with me. I know you have work tomorrow, and you need your rest. Go home."

"I'm leaving them with my number, and if you need me, don't hesitate to ask for me, I don't care the time of day or night."

"Thank you, Fin."

* * *

The next morning I had just woken up, and the nurse served me some breakfast, but I wasn't very hungry so, I pushed it to the side. I was so nervous, knowing Nick would be coming at any time. I heard a knock at my door, and I saw Nick enter. He looked like he was doing really well, he was all cleaned up. He had only a few small cuts on his face that looked a lot better than, it had the last time I saw him which was when blood was rushing out of them, and smearing onto his face. He looked better than me, that was for sure. My matted and knotted hair, and large swollen eye had not changed much since the last I saw him.

"Hey." He said, avoiding my eyes. I immediately knew how false his presentation was, he covered everything he was hiding on the inside with a decent appearance and a half of a fake smile. He moved next to me, but didn't sit down.

"Hey. Glad you made it, finally." I said, trying to search for his eyes, but he insisted on looking away.

"Yeah. How are you?"

"I think you know the answer to that. How are you?" He shook his head, and took a step back. "No, Nick. Come here."

"I can't."

"Why not?" I knew why, but I needed to hear it from him.

"It's too familiar. You in the bed, me sitting by your side. I don't want to be reminded."

"And I remind you of him?" He looked up at me for the first time.

"Not like that... There's only two living people who know what really happen, and I can't face that."

"I really appreciate your honesty with me, and so let me be honest with you, Nick. No matter what did or didn't happen in that room, you are still the same man you always were. I want to help you through, and get past this. Do you think I want to be reminded of everything? I want to forget just as badly as you do. We can help each other through this."

"I know, Liv, I know how this all works. But right now, I think I just need some space."

"You can't just keep everything all bundled up, and expect everything to get better! You need to accept it, you need to say it out loud. I don't think you can do that."

"I was raped." He spit out before he had the chance to think about it. "There, you happy?"

"No. What's there to be happy about?" I said. I think he realized that we were going through the same thing because, he let out a long sigh and ran a hand over his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Liv, I truly am." He said, and I believed him as the words fell from his mouth, but then he turned and walked out of the room, and closed the door.

I couldn't help but to melt to tears after he left. I couldn't imagine going through this entire recovery without Nick by my side. He had always been there for me, but when it mattered most to the both of us was when he decided to leave. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to Nick. This wasn't the way it had to be. I had wished Fin was outside for a moment. He was the only one who had never left me. Elliot, well, twelve years meant nothing to him, and Cragen I still talk to every so often, and same with Munch, but they had all left, and now I felt like I was losing my best friend. Nick couldn't leave me, he just couldn't. I needed him.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Olivia looked so good, she was all cleaned and stitched up, and she looked so much better than I did. I had a look of no sleep, and that was mainly due to the nightmares that always seemed to taunt me every time I even thought about sleep. The last time I had seen her was when she was sobbing in Fin's arms at the diner, and she looked as if she had come a long way since then. Me, all I seemed to be doing was push everyone away, and conceal my utter disdain for every single thing in this heinous world. Although I wasn't doing too good of a job at hiding it. After I left the hospital, I stopped at a bar. It was only 8:00 AM, but it was when I was able to be on my own because everyone else was at work. I sat at the bar, I was one of two people there at that hour. I looked up at the TV just as the local news came on. _"Two NYPD detectives were found after a week of-"_

"Turn it off!" I shouted, and the bartender complied. I ordered my drink, and the other guy moved to the seat next to me. This made me sort of uncomfortable, I kept asking myself; _what does this guy want from me?_ I took a large sip of my drink when it came, trying to ignore the other guy.

"So, what was she like?"

"What?"

"The girl. I know guys like you. You have this girl, you're getting pretty serious, but then... something happens. You see someone else, or she sees someone else. Either way-"

"-You know NOTHING about me!" I downed the rest of my drink, letting the warm liquid burn its way down my throat. I ordered another drink.

"You sure? Look man, I get it. My girl cheated on me in my own bed. I wanted to beat that son of a bitch dead."

"Yeah, well... I did." I wasn't entirely sure why I decided to tell him that. It wasn't even true. Olivia wasn't 'my girl' and any encounter with Jack wouldn't exactly be what you'd call 'cheating.' "Then, I shot him... five times." I downed a shot.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I know how it is. You want her so bad you'd do anything to get her, even if it means hurting someone. The cops onto you?"

"They would be, but... I am one." I decided to stick to my story of a jealous cop boyfriend, it was a lot better of a story then the truth. I ordered another drink.

The other man at the bar laughed. "Then, maybe you could help me get out of trouble sometime."

There was no way in hell I'd help him out, but I gave it half of a laugh, and said, "maybe" as I tipped back another shot.

He started asking me about the guy I had caught her with, and I described Jack. Of course he thought I was exaggerating when I described him, and how awful of a man he was, but I wasn't. It made me feel better to get it all off my chest, even if it wasn't exactly true, or maybe it was the three more shots it took me to get through it that made me feel better. He asked me about 'my girl' so, I described Olivia to him. He couldn't wipe that smirk off his face when I told him about her, and I started to curl my fist, and I knew it was time to change the subject. It wasn't like I even described her that well, just her hair, eyes, and her gorgeous smile. He looked at me when I was done describing her, and with a big smile he said, "I'd sure like to fuck that pussy, I bet it's-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" I couldn't think of her with anybody right now, or worse, let this creep at the bar be thinking like that. I had to protect her before he hurt her. I stood, and he did the same.

"What? You gonna hit me?"

"I ain't scared. Are you?" I said, trying to instigate him so I could claim self-defense. It worked because, he threw a punch at me, and so I took him. I handled him pretty well, that is until, the bartender came and pulled me away from him.

* * *

**Uh oh. What has Nick done!? Please review!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19! Read at your own risk...**

* * *

**Nick's POV**

After I realized what I had done, I walked into the restrooms, and closed myself in a stall. I tried to catch my breath, but every time I started to calm down I kept picturing that creep, and Jack, and Olivia, and what he had done, and what I had done. I threw a punch at the side of the stall, I felt the pain surge through my hand, and it felt good. I deserved it. I deserved so much worse for every ounce of pain I made Olivia endure. I was about to punch it again, but I heard the door open. "NYPD we need you to step out of that stall, sir." I heard the uniformed officer say. This is what I deserved. I opened the door, but he didn't arrest me. "Sir, can you explain the man in the bar that was beat unconscious?"

"No."

"Turn around, and put your hands on your head."

I followed his orders. He started to frisk me, and I jumped. "Don't touch me."

"It's procedure, sir."

"I know, and I don't have what you're looking for. Just take me to a cell." He wasn't sure how to react, but for some reason he listened to me. It must've been his first week.

He took me to the back of his patrol car, and I didn't resist. I felt the hard seat pushing the handcuffs into my back, and deepening every time the car picked up speed. I didn't try to get comfortable, but being restrained was becoming too familiar to me. I pulled at the cuffs, but all I got from that was a shooting pain through my wrist. I didn't panic. I was calmer than ever. I thought if he was going to kill me, great. If he wanted to throw me in jail, it was what I deserved. I just hoped it'd be a long enough sentence to where I wouldn't have to explain myself to whoever picked me up after. Which, would most likely be Olivia if she was able to, and I didn't want to explain this to her at all.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

At the station, Rollins and I were about to go get a bite for lunch, when Murphy came out of his office. "Fin, Rollins." He said, and walked back into his office, and we followed him, closing the door behind us. I could tell something was up, and knowing Olivia was alone at the hospital, and Nick was alone at his place made me nervous as hell. "What's going on? Is Liv okay?"

"Detective Amaro was just picked up on an assault charge. He's at Rikers now."

"Are you kidding me?" Rollins asked. "I was with him last night, and he was in pretty bad shape. He won't survive a day in there."

"That's why I want you two to go talk to him, see what's going on. If there's anything we can do."

"Got it, Lieutenant." I said, as Rollins and I headed out the door.

We were both silent the entire car ride over there, and didn't speak until someone finally spoke to us. We decided I would try to talk to him first, and see what was going on while, Rollins tried to find out what she could from the outside.

* * *

"Hey." I said. He didn't respond, he wouldn't even look at me. "How'd you land yourself in here?"

"I dunno. It just kinda happen, I guess."

"You wanna tell me what happen?"

"No. You can stop looking out for me. I screwed up. I deserve this."

"Look man, if this is somehow you trying to punish yourself for what Jack did, it's not your fault."

"DON'T YOU DARE BRING THAT UP!" He snapped at me, standing up violently in the process which made the officers take a step forward, but I waved them off. I knew by his reaction, that was exactly what this was about.

"Nick, you can't do this to yourself. You're a good man, you're a good cop. Don't throw that all away because of him."

"I don't want to hear it, Fin!"

"I don't care! You need to hear it! There are other ways to do this, you don't have to hurt everyone around you."

"I already did. Now, tell everyone I said goodbye because, I'll probably get myself killed in here if somebody realizes I was the one who put them in here."

"Don't talk like that. You're gonna get out of here." I said, but he was already calling for the guard to take him back to his cell.

I found Amanda, and I told her Nick had told me nothing, but she had surprisingly found out the story. "He attacked a man at a bar, the man was unconscious when the police arrived. Nick was trying to escape. The bartender fled, they're still trying to track him down. That's what they told me."

"IAB is gonna pursue him for sure now." There was no way he was getting out of that now, since he had done the same thing to a man at the bar, minus the five shots. In which, they will say that is because, they took his gun from him.

"None of this is fair. He was kidnapped! He went through hell, everything he had to see... and now this?"

"I know. Come on, we need to find the bartender." I said, anything we could do to help Nick get out of this before IAB made a move, or tried to stop us.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I sat in my cell with my head in my hands. I didn't want to talk to anybody, I didn't want to face anybody. All I wanted was to be left alone. I shared a cell so, that would be nearly impossible. I probably could've got different arrangements if I had told them I was a cop, but since I didn't mention it, they pretended not to notice it came up when they found out who I was. I didn't care, I wasn't going to be a cop for much longer, so I had to get used to it. This place was almost as scary as 'the room.' Every so often I would recognize someone I put away, and avoid them the best I could. Every second, I feared for my life, but at the same time I feared life. I was at peace with dying, and I think that's what gave me enough strength to make it in that hell hole.

I was taken to arraignment court later that day, and I said I wanted to plead guilty, and I didn't argue with the prosecutor who requested I be remanded to Rikers until the trial. It wasn't like I had anywhere else to be.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

The man in the bar, we found out his name is Daniel. When he woke up, I talked to him, and he told me the story Nick had told him, and also what he said in response, and I could see why Nick snapped. He said he didn't want to press charges, they would just call it even. I couldn't understand why he would want to do that, but I had no objections. Nick was about to be set free when IAB got involved, and decided to bring his case to court. He didn't seem interested in fighting it which meant Fin and I had to fight this for him. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, but there was no way we were going to sit back and watch him be convicted for killing the man who had so brutally hurt two of our own.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I heard about Nick's arrest, and it didn't surprise me as much as you'd think. He was hiding so much, keeping it all bottled up inside. It wasn't good for him. I wished he'd talk to somebody. I contemplated telling Fin in order to give Nick someone to talk to, but if I did that he'd never talk to me again. I needed to get out of this hospital, I needed to talk to him. He was falling apart, and I was the only one who knew why. I thought maybe I would hint at it for Fin, for sure he would catch on, but I felt so wrong about it. It wasn't my place to tell anyone, especially when I promised I wouldn't.

Fin walked in my room just as I was thinking about him. "Hey. I wanna know what you think. Do you know why Nick has, given up?"

I nodded, keeping it together. "Yeah." I whispered.

"Is it because of Jack?"

I fought the images that followed that word. "Yeah." I nodded again. "You have to talk to him. I don't want to speak for him."

"He won't talk to me... Do you think he'll talk to you?"

"No. He can't even look at me. I get it, after everything he saw... it hurts me to look at him too, but I'm willing to do it, because it would hurt even more to lose him." I sniffled back the tears, but they were still prominent in my voice.

"You know, he just needs some time, but unfortunately, IAB isn't giving us any. We'll get him out of this."

I believed Fin. I wanted it to be true so badly, but in the back of my mind I knew he couldn't make any promises.

* * *

**Two weeks later**

**Nick's POV**

They hadn't allowed me to plead guilty, and I didn't fight them on it, I didn't have the energy. My lawyer wanted me to testify, but I refused. I didn't want my secret coming out in court, plus they would never convict me after they knew the whole story. I was walking back to my cell going over all of this in my head. I walked over to my bunk without even looking around me, and laid down with my eyes closed. I couldn't stop wondering what Olivia thought of me, how weak I must seem. She was so much stronger than I was. She was probably out of the hospital by now, and starting to reclaim her life again whereas I lost mine more and more every day.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Fin insisted that I stay at his place, and I didn't object. He had a nice place, and it would help keep the flashbacks to a minimum, the further I was from my own home. The flashbacks had gotten pretty bad during my last few days in the hospital. Fin was there after almost all of them, and I was able to feel safe with him.

Fin came over, and brought me some tea on the couch. "Thank you."

"No problem. Can I get you anything else?"

"I'm good. Thanks for everything."

"Don't thank me. Let me know if you need anything, alright?"

"I will. Thank you." I told him, and I turned on some comedy show to hopefully get my mind off it. It didn't help much. There were a lot of crude, or sexist jokes that made the show extremely irritating to the point where I almost turned it off, but I didn't. One of the characters that I had found I disliked the most made a joke about a threesome.

_"Oh, were not done here." He said simply. "Now, would you like the front or back?" Jack asked as he undid his pants._

_Nick looked over at me, and I mouthed 'front' through my tears. "Front." He said, and Jack rolled me onto my side. I thought I was going to die._

_"Match my pace or you don't want to know what will happen." He said, and took me from behind. I had my eyes closed, but that didn't stop the tears from running in torrents down my face. Jack was going so fast and hard, and I was already so damaged, I didn't think I could take the pain. I buried my face into Nick's chest, and he did the best he could to be gentle with me, but even so, every move he made sent an alarming pain through my entire body. I knew he was trying to keep from hurting me, but the pain he was causing me was beyond anything I had ever felt before. I kept squeezing his hand, and digging my nails into his skin when Jack would thrust. It got so painful, that I screamed and let go of his hand, and dug my fingernails into his arm. I couldn't take it. I was in tears._

"_Olivia! Olivia! _Olivia!"

I brought my face out of the couch, and saw Fin kneeling by the couch with a look of concern on his face. "Olivia, you're safe, you're at my place. You're alright."

I fell into his arms, sobbing, wishing desperately that this would all be over.

"You're okay. Shhh. I won't let anybody hurt you."

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I felt somebody grab my hands, and hold them on the top of my head, and my eyes shot open. I saw four men who I recognized from one of the deadliest gangs I had put away. I knew this was my time, and I waited for it to be over, and all my suffering would end. One of the men kicked me in the side. They dragged me from my bunk, and started beating me. I didn't try to fight it. They exposed me, and saw my injuries, and started calling me stuff. All of them took their chance to rape me, but they didn't kill me. They left me there wishing for death.

* * *

**I'm so sorry! I actually didn't plan for this, but it's what the story wanted. Let me know your thoughts with a review please!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20!**

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I heard that Nick had gotten into some sort of fight with another inmate, and I had to talk to him. When they brought him out to me, he looked like hell. He had two black eyes, and he was limping terribly. He rolled his eyes when he saw me, but he still sat down. His face detorted when he sat, and I could tell it was painful.

"What happen to you?"

"I get my own cell."

"Congratulations." I said a bit sarcastically. "How'd you earn that?"

"I was recognized. I didn't fight back." I could tell there was more too it, he looked like he was trying with every last bit of strength he had to hold it together, but continuously fighting a losing battle.

"Hang in there. You don't deserve this."

"Thanks, Amanda." He said, and then he left.

He was in such a hurry to get away from me. I thought maybe asking Olivia to talk to him would be too much, for the both of them, but she was the only one who ever seemed to truly get through to him.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I would never tell Amanda what actually happen. I didn't plan to tell anybody. I went back to my cell, and sat on my bed, knowing it could happen again at any moment. Maybe those guys were right when they were calling me all those names. I wasn't much of a man. I laid down to ease the pain that was even worse this time. I won't lie, I thought about killing myself, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do it even if I tried. So, I saved myself the embarrassment. It seemed like years had passed in my lonely cell before a guard came and told me I had another visitor. I hated how much everyone visited me, but at the same time I was glad to get a break from what my new life had become.

When I walked into the room, I saw Olivia sitting there, and I wanted to run away. "Hey, you got out of the hospital I take it?"

"I did."

"You look good."

"Thanks. I wish I could say the same for you. What happen?"

"Guess I made some enemies."

"Nick, look at me. What happen?" She could tell I was hiding something, and I felt so guilty for doing that. She had been so supportive, and I saw a look of disappointment and concern on her face. I knew everything about her, and she had kept my secret so, I felt like I owed her this.

"Four guys, they recognized me." I was barely keeping it together. "They dragged me out of my bed. They started beating me." I was doing everything I could to keep the tears from spilling over. "They raped me. All of them." I said it, for the first and last time. The tears fell, and I wiped them as fast as I could.

"Nick..."

"I guess I got what I deserved. For letting it happen to you."

"No, not at all, Nick. What happen to me is not your fault. You did not deserve that at all. Nick, you have to tell someone, and you can get out of here."

"No! And you can't tell anyone either! Promise me you won't say anything!"

"I promise, Nick, but you don't belong here."

"I deserve this... For what I did to you."

"No. No. Nick. You think I would be here right now if you hurt me, in any way?" I could see the tears starting in her eyes.

"Here you are."

"Nick, don't do this to yourself. You're a good guy. You're a good partner. Please, just try to fight for yourself. For me?"

"I don't think I can. I'm sorry. Have a great life." I said, and I stood up.

I heard her whisper "no" as I left, followed by sobs, but I didn't turn back. I knew if I did, I would end up running over to comfort her. I couldn't stand to see her cry.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

He was putting so much on me, and I didn't know how much longer I would be able to take it. It wasn't fair to him, he had done nothing wrong, but he was getting punished again and again. He had been raped two separate times, by five men in a matter of a month. Then, there was me. He was obviously feeling guilty for whatever you want to call what Jack made us do. I felt bad for making it so hard on him. I didn't have to cling to him like I had, but it was everything I could do to get away from Jack, and find a small sense of comfort, of someone who would never hurt me. I guess I hurt him by doing that.

I arrived at Fin's just before he did, and I thought about making dinner, or doing _something_ for him after all he had done for me, but I was just too tired. I lied down in the spare room, but I didn't close my eyes. I stared up at the ceiling at all the small shapes embedded in the ceiling. There was one shape directly above me that looked like a wig, one of those with the big curly hair. To the right of that, I saw what appeared to me as a Christmas stocking. My last Christmas wasn't so great. I had been worrying about the Lewis trial the entire time. Brian tried to help... Brian, I missed him. It wasn't that I missed _him_, I missed being with somebody. I missed being able to curl up in someone's arms, lay my head on his chest, and not be afraid of passing 'friendship lines' because, we had already passed them all. I closed my eyes, trying to pretend I had someone who would still love me after this.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I arrived at my home, and it was completely silent. I knew Olivia was somewhere, and I contemplated for a while whether I should check on her or let her have some peace. I decided I needed to check on her, for both of our sakes. I walked into my spare room, and I found Olivia lying flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling, with tears streaming down her face. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I just, you know. Rough day."

"You went to see Nick, right?"

She inhaled sharply before choking out a "yes."

"Did he say anything to you?"

"Yeah." I had a feeling she didn't want to tell me about it, but I still pushed her a little more.

"What did he say?"

"Some people recognized him. They came into his cell, and beat the crap out of him... and then they left. He's not fighting for himself." She sniffled the tears, and looked over at me for the first time since I had entered the room. "He has to get out of there." She said in a deep whisper.

"I know, Rollins and I are working on it. You take it easy, alright?"

She nodded, and returned her stare to the ceiling. "I just don't know how much longer he'll make it in there."

"He'll be fine. We're going to get him out." I said before I left her alone in the room.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I sat on the cot in my cell, trying to focus on anything but what was dominating my thoughts at every second. The pain was killing me, sitting in the position I was, but I didn't bother to move. A tear escaped from my eye, and I wiped it as fast as I could, but I couldn't stop the flood that followed behind it. I lied down on my stomach, and buried my face in my pillow. I didn't want anyone to see me crying if they walked by, and it muffled the quiet sounds that escaped my mouth. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I had never felt weaker in my life. Since... well... all that happen. I was hoping no one would come to bother me. I had a lot of visitors, and I wished they'd stop caring about me. I couldn't be around forever, eventually I would have to get what I deserved. It was nice to see Olivia, but it was also so hard. The damage had been done, and neither one of us could undo any of it. We couldn't forget, and no matter how hard we tried, the images would always be there playing in the back of our minds.

I heard footsteps coming toward my cell, and I quickly wiped my eyes, and tried to hold it together. I was just hoping I didn't have another visitor. The guard kept on walking, and I breathed a sigh of relief. This is what my life had become.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I hoped Fin was telling the truth when he said they were going to get Nick out of there. I stayed lying on the bed for a while longer, thinking about how impossible it seemed to make it through all of this without Nick by my side. I needed him, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, he needed me. Even if it wasn't necessarily me, he needed someone. I seemed to be the only one he would talk to, and that is why I told myself it was my job to help bring him back.

I heard someone knock at the door, and I could've bet it was for me. Fin never seemed to have many visitors. I tried to get my messy hair out of my face before, I walked out to the kitchen, and found Amanda with a big pot of soup for all of us. "Hey, Liv! I brought over some soup, if you're hungry, I was just going to warm it on the stove for a few minutes."

"Thank you." I said, despite feeling sick to my stomach. I thought at least the soup would be light, and I might be able to force myself to choke down a couple bites without losing whatever was left in my stomach from three days ago. I hadn't had much of an appetite lately, but there had been so much going on, with Nick and everything, I hadn't cared too much about myself, and making sure I had the food I needed. But, luckily for me, Fin had taken it upon himself to make sure I never went unfed.

Amanda placed the soup on the stove, and I walked up to her. "Hey um," I looked down as I pulled out a hair tie. "I can't really put my hair up with my shoulder..." It was something so simple, and I couldn't do it myself. I would've just let it remain down, but I had reached the point where I couldn't take it anymore, and I needed it off my face, my neck. I just wanted it back before I cut it off like I had before.

"Of course." She was more than willing to help me, just as she had been this entire time, after the escape.

Fin was probably the worst person at putting up ponytails and that is why I was sort of relieved to see Amanda there, because my hair was driving me crazy. It took her a full twenty seconds to put my hair up, and then she asked if there was anything else she could do for me.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine now, thank you." I took a seat on the couch with the blanket that I had left there earlier. I didn't feel like doing much except sitting and staring at a blank spot in the room. I didn't have the energy to put up with people, and I was in too much of a daze to do much for myself. Amanda brought me some soup, and I thanked her for it, but I didn't even try to eat it. The two of them joined me in the living room, each with their own bowl. I stirred mine a couple times, but that was about it.

"You not hungry?" Amanda asked.

"Not really. I'm sorry." I said.

Fin stepped in, knowing I hadn't ate much in the past few days. "At least take a few bites, you have to eat something." I had already lost a lot of weight, and I couldn't afford to lose much more. I started to gain a little of it back while I was in the hospital, even though I hadn't been eating much, I guess it was just all the drugs they were giving me. I took a few bites of my soup before I started to feel like puking if I took another bite.

"So," Amanda started. "We found the bartender, and he told IAB the full story. Nick was just defending himself. IAB still refused to drop the case, but I guess, what I don't understand... is why Nick was willing to go to jail for a crime he didn't commit."

"He feels guilty, for everything." I said, and I waited for them to ask me what all 'everything' was.

* * *

**Okay, so there's that chapter. I mean, he told Olivia... that's progress, right?**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21!**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

_Jack was sitting on the bed next to me when I woke up, and I was about to scream, but he held a finger to his mouth with one hand, and with the other showed me his gun. I looked for Nick in the chair, but he was still lying on the ground. I couldn't fight Jack on my own, I had already fought and lost that battle. He straddled my waist. "No, stop!"_

"_Shut the hell up!" He yelled, and pointed his gun at my head. _

_I knew I could get free if only I could make myself heard, so I tried to scream, but nothing came out, and Jack placed the gun at my entrance, and threatened to push it in if I made another sound. I screamed when I felt it barely touch me. _

I sat up with wide eyes, screaming, waking myself up. Fin came running in, just as I went running out.

I clutched the side of the bowl as I sat on the cold, hard bathroom floor with my head in the toilet, crying. I was grateful I had left my hair up from earlier, and so not all of it was falling in my face. I felt a hand start to rub circles on my back, and it only made me want to cry more. He still cared. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's seven AM. You didn't wake me up." He said, and I was about to look up at him, but I was thrown forward as I tried to empty my already empty stomach once again.

When I was finally through, Fin gave me a damp cloth to place on my face. The cool cloth felt so good on my tired and sweaty face. I sat up against the nearest wall to me, and leaned my head back in exhaustion. Fin walked out for just a moment, and returned with a glass of water. I drank the full glass right then, soothing my dry and irritated throat. "Thank you." I said.

"Here, let's get you off the floor." He said as he helped me stand, and walked with me to the couch, then supplied me with another glass of water. "I feel bad leaving you. Do you need anything else before I head off to work?"

"I think I'm good. Thanks."

"Alright, call me if you need anything."

"I will. Thanks again."

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I arrived at the precinct late, and everyone noticed.

"Hey. Everything alright?" Rollins asked from her desk when she saw me walk in.

"Yeah, just a rough night. Rough morning too." I said, working on a total of four hours of sleep. She had been up twice that night with a nightmare, and each time I was up with her. She hadn't had a night like that in a long while, she had been doing so much better lately, but last night was another story. I thought maybe it had something to do with her conversation with Nick. It must have brought back all those memories, seeing his face again, I couldn't imagine it being easy. Last night Amanda and I almost got her to talk about it with us. She said Nick felt guilty of everything, but when we tried to ask her what 'everything' was, she just told us it was everything. Olivia was hiding something from me, from all of us. Trying to pull that out of her, without calling her out directly on it, was extremely difficult. Especially, when Olivia worked so hard to keep it sealed, and any signs that she had something to hide, hidden. I wasn't going to pressure her too much, I trusted her to come to me whenever she was ready, if she ever was. I just wished I could do something about it now because, I could tell it was eating her up inside.

Murphy walked out of his office and was standing in front of my desk without me even realizing he had come out of his office. "Fin. I need to talk to you. In my office." He realized he didn't have my attention, and was struggling to make eye contact with me the whole time, until I finally looked up from my papers, and headed to his office. He shut the door behind us, and I knew it was important, whatever he was about to say. I tried to hide my tired expressions from him, but I'm sure it had shown through at least a couple times during our conversation. "I know you're trying to take care of Benson and all, but I really need you here, working. I don't just mean physically, I need your head to be in it. We're already down two detectives, possibly one for good. They're not too keen on Benson returning either, considering everything, but I'm fighting that, and we shouldn't have to worry."

"What do you mean? We could lose both of them?"

"Fin, don't worry about it, and I don't want you telling her. She doesn't need the stress. I've got it under control. What I need from you right now, is for you to stay focused. Can you do that? Thanks." He returned to his work without even given me a chance to answer.

I didn't know if I could do it. There was just so much going on that, it was hard for me to concentrate on anything else. Then, he said they may not want Olivia to return to work? That would completely destroy her, and she didn't need any more bad news after all the bad news she had received lately, particularly pertaining to Nick. Murphy also told me that Nick might not ever be returning? He couldn't go to jail for the rest of his life. I say the rest of his life because, no matter what the judge ruled, it would be a life sentence for him. He wouldn't make it a full year in there. He barely made it two weeks.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I fell asleep that night with a million things on my mind, but the one thing that decided to surface in my sleep was the thing I wished I could forget about most. I had a nightmare that I was on my cell floor, with the four guys, and Olivia was on my cot, with Jack. We both just stared at each other the entire time while our bodies were being violated in the worst of ways. We never looked away, we never tried to fight, we just stared, numb, looking for comfort. We were always able to find comfort in each other. Even if I didn't want to admit it, seeing Olivia was a relief. She had made it, she was okay.

I didn't know what I should expect to come next. When I sat alone in my single cell, every second felt like an hour. The only way I could tell if time had passed was, meals. The food was disgusting, and I gagged as I ate it every time, but I had been starving ever since I escaped. There wasn't too much that I had to look forward to being here. Believe it or not I was actually looking forward to the trial. I got to see everyone, and there was nothing they could do to help me, it would already be over before it started. They would get to hear about the horrible things I did, and by the end they may actually be glad to watch me be put away. I hoped so. There was no way I was going to fail at this like I had failed at everything else I had done recently. I was going to prison for the rest of my life, end of discussion.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I spent most of the day either sick to my stomach, or completely exhausted. There wasn't much to do besides sleep and eat for the entire day, and since I hadn't been too hungry, I just slept. Then, I'd get woken up by a nightmare, and try to avoid falling asleep again, but then out of complete boredom end up falling asleep, only for the cycle to be repeated. I finally gave up, and tried to eat something, but everything I looked at made my stomach turn, and if I tried to warm myself up to it by smelling it, I would end up on the bathroom floor again. I had drank quite a bit of water that day, knowing I didn't want to dehydrate, and create more problems for myself. I looked for something light to eat. I found some crackers, but when I pulled them out of the box, I realized they were the ones I had lived off for a week. _I was completely naked when he sat next to me on the bed, and brought me food and water. I jumped, but I don't think he noticed. _

_He drank a little of the water first so that the cup wouldn't be as full as he brought it to my mouth. I took a tiny sip, and started choking. When I coughed, the water spilled down the front of my chin. "I'm sorry." I cried. I felt bad for wasting the little amount of water we got._

_"Don't be. Here, maybe if you sit up..." he said, and offered to help me sit._

I threw them across the room, in a panic to get them out of my hands. I backed up until I felt the counter on my back, and I slid to the floor, burying my head in my hands. _Everything_ reminded me him, of Nick, of Jack. I had escaped, but I would never leave. I would always be there, in that room, no matter how far I tried to get from it, or how hard I tried to forget. It wasn't fair.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I was relieved when I was finally able to head home. I knew Olivia probably hadn't ate anything all day, and I decided I would just make some toast, or something light. When I first walked in, I could hear Olivia's sobs, but I didn't see her anywhere. I took a step in the door, and I saw her huddled on the kitchen floor, and I immediately ran over to her. "Liv, Liv, what's wrong?" I asked cautiously. She didn't respond, and I placed a hand on her back. "Liv." She suddenly threw her arms around me, and cried onto my shoulder. I had no idea what had happen or what was going through her mind, but I was so glad I arrived when I did. I tried a question again when her sobs began to ease. "What happen?"

"I- I saw the, they were the same crackers. I know, it sounds so stupid... but I just, I could smell them, him, everything." She sobbed, and rested her face on my shoulder once again.

I looked to my side, and I saw the box of Ritz crackers on the floor, and the package of crackers to the side of it. My heart completely shattered, it was something so common, I never thought of it. "I'll throw them out. I'm sorry." As soon as she lifted her head, I got up, and threw them in the outside trash. "There, they're gone. You don't have to worry about it anymore."

"Thank you. I know it probably seems so stupid that-"

"Don't worry about it. I get it." It was true, I did understand. I knew how different smells brought me back to different times in my life, and brought back all those emotions. For Olivia, she was brought back to the worst days of her life smelling that. That is why I had no problem throwing out the remainders of the box.

I helped her clean up, and made her some toast for dinner that she surprisingly was able to finish. She started to feel a little sick after, and I suggested that she head to bed, and she didn't argue.

* * *

The next morning was an exact repeat of the last. Olivia was sick again, and I hated to leave her, but I still did, running in late, and getting a look from Murphy. As much as he acted like he disapproved of me, I knew he wouldn't fire me for taking care of Olivia.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I felt horrible the entire day, but regained my appetite for a very small and light dinner. Which was, once again, a piece of toast. The entire day was a perfect replica of the previous, minus the cracker episode. I went to bed early that night, and got through most of the night with only one nightmare, waking me up at two AM, and then there was one waking me up by seven AM. This was, once again, followed by me rushing to the bathroom, and revisiting the toast I had last night for dinner. Fin already had a glass of water ready for me sitting by the sink, which he grabbed when he joined me on the floor.

"I'm so tired, Fin. When will this be over?" I asked, not really expecting an answer.

His face became soft, and he showed a look of concern. "Hey, Liv, have you taken a pregnancy test?"

* * *

**Oh no. How is she going to react? Will she take the test? If so, will it be positive? Please review!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22! Sorry for the long wait. I have been smothered with homework since being accepted into the EMS Academy. So, sorry if updates become a lot slower than normal, but the good news is, it should only last until December! Picking up where I left off, after, "Hey, Liv, have you taken a pregnancy test recently?"**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

My heart dropped out of my chest. I hadn't had my period since... but I had also lost a lot of blood. _There is no way I am pregnant, I haven't had sex since... well... Cassidy. Which would mean... NO. I couldn't be. It's not possible._ I thought to myself, but I knew in the back of my mind it was _very _possible, and no one should know that better than myself. I was the product of rape so, why should my first child be conceived in any other way?

"No I- I'm not. There's no way. I can't be." I tried to convince myself and Fin, but neither one of us were buying it.

"I think you should at least take the test. You've been having some pretty bad morning sickness. You know, it could come back negative, and you wouldn't have to worry about it again, until you're ready for kids." If only it could be that easy. I would still be worried about the test being wrong, until the day I got my period. I didn't quite know if my loss of blood was what was holding it up, or if that was even possible. I mean, I was actually only four days late which happened quite often with me.

"What if it's positive, Fin? I can't take care of myself, and a baby, plus Nick's trial that's coming up."

"Whatever happens, I'll be there to support you, and I'll help in whatever way I can." He reassured me.

"Thank you. Could you pick up two tests on your way back from work?"

"I will do that, and speaking of work, I need to get over there. You hang in there. I'll call you when I can." He said as he stood up. "I'll see you when I get back. You gonna be okay?"

"Okay as I can be, until I know for sure." I said, feeling another wave of nausea about to hit. Fin headed out the door, and I threw my head into the bowl.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

Murphy was waiting for me in the squad room, and I knew that wasn't a good sign. He pulled me into his office as soon as I arrived, and told me it was unacceptable for me to be coming in so late to work, but he understood that I was helping her. "That's why I think it would be best if you took some time off." Murphy said, forming it more like a demand than a choice. "I can get someone to fill in for you, it shouldn't be a problem. You'd be on paid leave."

"How long?"

"Until you see fit. When you can make it on time to work, and concentrate on the cases, and not Olivia all the time."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Okay, so, just finish up today since you're here, and it'll give me a little time to find a replacement. That sound good?"

"Great." I said, and walked out of his office.

When I told Amanda the news, she was upset that she would have to work with another new person, and was not looking forward to showing someone the ropes while, trying to constantly catch up on the cases being that, we were already short-handed.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

The first part of the trial was today, and no one was there to support me. I guess I should've expected it. Amanda, Fin, and Murphy were running everything all on their own, and Olivia was either mad at me, or didn't have a way to get to the courthouse. It didn't really matter, it was only the beginning, and I knew they would come for the later parts, at least the conclusion. I didn't know if Olivia was testifying. I would imagine she would be, but my attorney hadn't told me much because we were both fighting for different things.

I suddenly realized that Olivia COULDN'T testify! She would never lie under oath, and I would never expect her to. If they asked her the wrong question, my secret would blow up in open court. That couldn't happen. I leaned over and whispered to my attorney. "Is Olivia Benson on the witness list?"

"Yes, the prosecution is calling her. Is there something I should be made aware of?"

"No just stick to the shooting, don't ask her about any of the other events that happen. Please, I don't think either one of us would be able to handle it."

"I'll make a note of that."

I was relieved because, I doubted the prosecution would bring up the other events seeing that, they were going to try to make me sound like a cold blooded killer. If the jury knew everything that happen, I would be seen as a hero, but without them hearing the whole story, I was just a monster who lost their temper.

I was a monster. I had raped my partner, she had trusted me. Only a couple of days before, she told me she trusted me, and I responded by raping her. I was the worst human being on the planet.

_She became conscious for a moment, and I decided to ask her. "Liv, it looks like there is damage to your inner walls as well. Do you mind if I take a look, and try to stop the bleeding there?"_

_"No, do whatever you need to do. I trust you." She said, and passed out again. __I trust you.__ Those three words meant so much in a time like that. In spite of everything that happen, everything she was going through, she still trusted me._

I broke that trust shortly after. I would never expect her to forgive me, or trust me again.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I was sick to my stomach the entire day, even worse than the previous days. The thought that he could still be inside of me, growing. It couldn't be, he did not get to do this to me.

I have always wanted kids, but not in this way. I never wanted to have Jack's kid. He was dead, and he needed to stay that way. I couldn't be the one to give him life again, and allow him to continuously taunt me. I couldn't wait for Fin to come with the tests, and finally I would be able to have an answer. I was going crazy thinking about it. I kept trying to drink water so, maybe some would make it through my system, and I would actually be able to take the test when I got it. I just kept getting sicker and sicker as the day went by, and my anxiety started to build up.

I had missed Nick's trial today, but I hadn't even pulled myself off the bathroom floor all day, except to get water. Me being there wouldn't make much of a difference anyways, it wasn't like he was going to suddenly start fighting for himself just because I went to the trial. I hoped he would, and I hoped he started to be more open before I had to testify. If it came up in trial, I wouldn't try to hide it for him. I wanted to tell the jury what he had been through because, I knew they wouldn't convict him if he allowed them to know. If it was in my power, I would defend Nick, and say what I had to in order to get him free, and I would only tell the truth.

I pulled myself up from the floor, and sat on the couch completely exhausted. It didn't take me more than five minutes to fall asleep, but within the hour I was rudely awoken by a nightmare.

_I was sitting in a nursery, holding my baby, he was swaddled in the blanket, and sound asleep in my arms. I was so happy. I heard the baby whine a bit, and I uncovered the blanket from his face. When I looked down, the face was an exact replica of Jack, hair and all. There were ZERO differences between the two. I threw the baby across the room, and I saw the blood splatter on the wall. I screamed when the baby fell silent._

I couldn't catch my breath. I was sweating, and in tears. _How could I even dream about that?_ I was not fit to be a mother, my child would not be safe with me. What if I had a flashback while I was holding my baby? There is no way I would risk putting any child in the danger I would be by keeping it. I wouldn't do it. Not until I was better.

I wasn't even sure if I was pregnant yet, but I couldn't help but to dwell on the thought that I might be. I was sitting all alone for the entire day, with nothing to do except sleep, get sick, and think. Since sleeping again was out of the question, and my stomach had calmed down a bit, that only left thinking. It was a dangerous road I was heading down, but I had no other options.

* * *

Fin came home a lot later, having to wrap up what he was doing, and running by the store on the way home had put him back about an hour, but he finally arrived. When he walked through the door, I was lying on the couch, and I immediately sat up, my heart pounding out of my chest, and my face draining of all color. This was it. This was what I had been waiting all day for, and now that it was here I wished it wasn't. He handed the two boxes over to me, and my hand shook as I reached out for them. I hoped he didn't notice, but I knew he did. Once he handed them to me, he placed a hand on my back, feeling how bad I was shaking. "Whatever it says, I'll still be here to support you. You won't have to do it alone. Alright?" He said, and I walked into the bathroom. "I'll be right out here, waiting." He told me, and I closed the door.

I braced myself against the counter as the tears started, but I knew I couldn't put it off. I needed to know. With my one unsteady usable hand, I managed to get both of the test strips out of the boxes. I just stared at them for a few moments, and it sank in that I was really having to do this. I closed my eyes, and tried to push back the memories of all the possible moments of conception. I lifted the lid on the toilet bowl, and having only one usable hand that was uncontrollably shaking did not make unfastening my pants easy. It took me about one minute until I finally got it unfastened. By then I was sweating, after performing that extremely difficult task. I held the test strips in my hand and I took a seat on the toilet.

I did it. It was done. I just had to wait. I didn't want to see. I let the tears take me over as I sunk to the floor and waited the two painfully long minutes. A third minute passed, and I didn't move. Then, a fourth. I could see the strips from my place on the ground, but I couldn't bring myself to look at the results. A fifth minute passed. I still sat staring at them. The sixth minute came and went, and in the seventh minute I finally willed myself to pick up the first test strip. I looked at it.

It couldn't be. I wiped my tears, and tried to blink the ones in my eyes away. I couldn't help but to think I saw it wrong. I looked at it once again, and I was right. One line. I breathed a sigh of relief, and I even gave a weak smile. I was free. I could heal. It was possible. I picked up the other strip from the counter, and looked at it. Two lines. "No, no no no." I whispered to myself, dropping the strip. I went through all of that, and I still didn't know. I heard Fin lightly knocking on the door, he must have heard me.

"Liv, you alright in there?"

I didn't answer him. I couldn't talk. "Liv, could you open the door for me? Please?" I cracked the door open, still on the floor, and the test strips near me. When he saw me, I knew he thought they had both come back positive. "It's okay, Liv. We can get through this."

"No, no, Fin. I don't know."

"Well, I-"

"No! I don't know if I'm pregnant! They both read differently! I still don't know." I sobbed, and he took me in his arms, allowing me to cry until I had no more tears left to cry.

* * *

**The question remains. Is she pregnant? Please leave me a review with your thoughts.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23! I'm so sorry for the long wait. I was going to update a few days ago, but I haven't had time until now, but please enjoy!**

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I picked up the test strips, and placed them on the counter, seeing they were in fact different. Usually when they're different it means the positive one is right, I think, but I was not willing to let go of the possibility that she may not be, and I don't think she was either. "We'll schedule an appointment with a doctor, find out tomorrow."

"I can't wait anymore! I barely made it through today, I'm going crazy!"

"We'll get the earliest appointment we can. Okay?" She nodded. "I'll call right now." I said, and I looked up the number on my phone, then called the office right there with her. We were able to get a 10 AM appointment, the next day. I helped her off the floor, and into the living room. I brought her a glass of water, and some new crackers I bought. She ate them without a problem, and I was glad.

"So, tomorrow, after the doctors can we go to the trial? I wanna be there to support him."

"You sure you'll be up for it?" I asked her, I knew she would say she would be, but I wasn't sure if I believed her. For the past three days she had sat around here, doing absolutely nothing. The Olivia I knew, would be bored to death, and that's how I knew she still had a long way to go with the recovery. I didn't know if the trial would be the best place for her, but I had to trust her judgement, and so I agreed to take her there.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I was bored out of my mind, being alone for so long. I didn't think it would be this bad in here. This place was hell, and I wanted to get out, but it also gave me the time I needed to think about what I had done. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I actually deserved to be here. I was no better than the rest of these people I had at one time made a career out of putting away. Those days are long gone, and I had turned to the other side. I lied down on my cot, and stared at the grey wall in front of me. I looked to the grey floor beside me. I could feel myself on it, and each of the four guys, I could see them. I could hear them. I could feel them. I jumped away, trying to escape them, and I ended up slamming my head into the wall. I came out of the state I was in, trying to catch my breath, and holding back the tears. My head hurt like hell, and I guess I made a loud noise because, a guard came to check on me. I told him I just hit my head, and he suggested I see the nurse. I tried to argue, but I really had no say in the matter. Whatever the guards wanted, the guards got.

I got to the nurse's office, and I said I was fine, and she agreed with me after checking me up. I was relieved when she released me back to my cell without noticing any of my bruises, in which she probably would have wanted to take a better look at. Unlike the regular hospital, I would have to comply here. Then, they probably would've said it was part of a pattern, and accused me of self-harm, and sent me to the prison mental institution. No man in their right mind, would allow four men to assault him without even lifting a finger to fight back. I started to buy into my thoughts, and I knew that would be a dangerous cycle I would be starting, but I had nothing else to do, nowhere else to go. So, why not? I was walked back to my cell by one of the guards, and I passed by one of the four men on the way. He yelled something at me, but I pretended not to hear him. He kept getting louder, and louder until, one of the guards went over, and told him to quiet down.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Fin woke me up with a cup of water in his hands. "What time is it?" I asked, it seemed too early to be awake.

"It's six fifty. The past three days you woke up at seven and I wanted to beat that, spare you the nightmare. How'd I do?"

"Great, thank you." I had a rough night, but the morning was the best I had felt in a while, being able to wake up on the right side of the bed for once.

A few hours later, Fin and I arrived at the doctors. There were a lot of other young ladies in there, with their husband or wife, with their other kids, some of them showing a lot, and others barely starting to show, if showing at all. There was one common factor between all of them, happiness. They all had that pregnancy glow that made their face light up, and a huge smile would spread across their face when they would look down at their belly. Then there was me. I sat there with my coworker because, he was the only person who still cared about me. I had a fading bruise still around my eye, and my left arm still in a sling. I felt like everyone was staring at me, and they all knew. It was obvious by my appearance what had happen. Some of the people were giving Fin weird looks, and I knew they thought he had given me the bruise and messed up shoulder. I pretended not to notice, but I couldn't help but to envy all of them with their lives together when, every time I thought about being pregnant, or looked at my belly, I was disgusted. It didn't give me the joy it brought all the other women in there, for me it brought pain and tears, and the memories I would give anything to forget.

"Olivia?" The nurse called from the door way, and Fin and I got up and followed her back into the room.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I arrived to work at seven that morning, and I was met by a greasy, blonde-haired detective. "Hello, I'm Detective Dominick Carisi Junior, but you can call me Sonny."

I already didn't like him.

I didn't see how he got 'Sonny' from his name, and wondered if he had just picked a random name to go by, or if there was actually a reason behind his choice. "So, Carisi, I hope you catch on quick because, I don't have the time or patience to be dragging you along with me."

"Got it. Don't worry, I'm ready to go."

"You'd better be." I said, just as Murphy emerged from his office to assign us a case. "Try to keep up, new guy."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I was sitting on the table, holding Fin's hand as the nurse came in and drew my blood, then disappeared again. I looked at him when she left, searching for comfort, for reassurance he was still with me, and he was. He gave my hand a little squeeze. "Whatever happens. You'll get through."

The doctor entered my room with a huge smile on her face, and my heart sunk to my gut. "Congratulations Olivia, you're pregnant!" She said it with a huge smile, like it was a good thing.

As soon as I heard 'congratulations' the tears formed, and Fin pulled me over, and rested my head on his shoulder for me to cry onto. "It's okay. You'll be alright." Fin whispered to me.

I lifted my head up to wipe the tears in time to see the doctor look at me, confused, and then exit the room. "I can't, Fin. I can't have his baby." I said, but I questioned it in the back of my mind. _Is it actually Jack's, or is it Nick's?_ There was a possibility it was Nick's. I hoped it was. I would much rather carry around Nick's baby for nine months, than Jack's. Either way, I couldn't really win. Either way, I would be raising the child on my own. I was not ready for a child in any way. I knew Fin would help me, but I didn't want to put even more on him than I already was. If it was Nick's baby, he wouldn't forgive himself for it, but I would at least be able to look at the baby. It would be the most beautiful baby, and I could actually love it. If it was Jack's baby, and it had the slightest resemblance of him, I wouldn't be able to stand looking at my own baby. I had to get the test to be sure. However, there was one problem with that. Fin didn't know about what Jack made Nick and I do. He couldn't find out this way. I had to figure out how to get the test without Fin knowing because, if it was Jack's, I wouldn't have to worry about telling him anything, the secret could be buried, possibly forever.

"Yes, you can. I think you're a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for." I shook my head with a partial smile. He could not possibly be telling me I was any sort of strong after, every moment of weakness he had witnessed in the past three weeks. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, let's get out of here." I whispered, and followed his lead out of there.

* * *

**Two weeks later**

I sat on the couch with a blanket, drinking some tea. I had been doing so much of that. Fin took care of me while I did nothing. I felt bad, but it was what it was. The last time I tried to do something myself, I ended up crying on the kitchen floor. I wasn't going to try that again anytime soon. I thought it would be better if I didn't even try to attempt it, and save Fin the trouble and images of having to pull me off the floor, and clean me up, and still end up having to do whatever it was that I was trying to do. I excused myself to the bathroom for a few minutes. I looked up and dialed a number on my phone. "Hello, I'd like to make an appointment for a paternity test. Yes. About six weeks. Okay. I'll take it." When she asked for my name, I panicked and hung up the phone. One week I still had to wait, in order for them to do it. I wanted to make the appointment, but I couldn't. How would I get Fin out of the house? I couldn't tell him. Or, I could tell him I had a one night stand the night before, but I doubt he would believe that. He's not stupid, he would figure it out. I had to make it seem like it was his idea to give me some time alone, and since Murphy had given him all this time off, it would be a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. I walked out of the bathroom, and took a seat next to Fin.

Ever since the doctor's appointment, I hadn't been in the mood for anything. The flashbacks had been a lot more violent, and a lot more frequent. Fin had to force me to go outside, and made me walk around the block a couple times a week. The last time we went for a walk, someone had spilled ketchup on the ground, and I thought it was blood. I thought about... well... let's just say it didn't turn out pretty, and I refused to leave the house after that.

Fin didn't know how to deal with me anymore, and sometimes he would call Amanda to come watch me like a babysitter, while he went out for a couple hours. "So, are you leaving me again, today?"

"If you want to come with..." He always offered that. He knew I would say 'no,' but it made him feel less guilty about leaving me.

"I'm fine, but do I really need a babysitter?"

"She's not a babysitter, she's concerned about you, and she wanted to come by. I figured, you girls could talk about girl stuff if I was out of the house." He tried to make it sound like anything but what it was. A babysitter. "Liv, I think you really should tell her. You're going to start showing, and you're not gonna be able to hide it."

"I might not even keep it." I spit out. I had to get the paternity test first, and then I would make my decision.

"Is that something you're considering?" He asked, concerned. He was trying to keep the conversation going, it was the most I had really said to him in the past two weeks. I had shut down multiple times when he would mention the baby, and this was the first I hadn't.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "It sure sounds tempting. I wouldn't be giving him any sort of life back... I wouldn't be reminded every day, of the worst week of my life, or giving a child that I don't think I can take care of, life."

"Well, if my opinion counts for anything, I think you would be a great mother."

"Thank you Fin." I said, and there was a knock at the door. My babysitter had arrived.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

The trial was moving slow, and the judge had a family emergency to attend to, and the case was postponed until, another judge was up to speed, or the current judge returned to town. It was a painfully slow process, and I didn't care. After a week in solitary, against my strong objection, they moved me back in with a different prisoner. We got to talking, and he had been in there for raping his girlfriend, which scared the hell out of me. I couldn't sleep at night, and the day I spent near the guards, hoping none of them were corrupt. I relied on them to watch and make sure no one tried to do anything to me. I didn't mind if they wanted to kill me, I would be perfectly okay with that, but what they did last time. Maybe if I would have fought back, they would have had to kill me... I felt so weak, being so scared of everything and everyone, it was horrible. What I was feeling was only fair being, I caused Olivia to be the same way.

I was at the basketball courts when I saw them, all four of them coming straight at me. I turned, and headed in the direction of a guard. My heart pounded out of my chest, and my palms became sweaty as they curled into a fist. I hoped they didn't sense my nervousness. The leader, came up behind me and swung his arm around my shoulders, and one of the others pinched my butt. I jumped, and they all laughed, and said I was aroused by it. I kept walking, and they just walked with me, and kept talking. They told me I had to be in my cell at a certain time tomorrow, and threatened me if I wasn't.

* * *

**Oh no! What will happen? Please leave a review!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24! Sorry for the wait, I drowning in homework over here.**

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

She looked worse and worse, every time I saw her. Her face had a ghostly complexion, and I could tell she hadn't been eating by her face starting to sink in. Fin had told me he was getting really worried, and that I should try to talk to her. So, after he left I took a seat on the couch. "So, you hungry?"

"No. Can we not do this today?" She asked, sounding worn out and tired.

"Do what?"

"Make conversation."

"Sorry." I said, and we sat in silence for a good thirty minutes. I studied her actions, how she would fidget with her nails when it was quiet. When it wasn't, she would look in the direction of the sound, and wait for it to fade out before she relaxed. When she relaxed, she would hold her stomach, but then she'd hang her head and close her eyes. I could see a million thoughts swirling through her mind at once, but I couldn't tell what they were. I waited until she was staring at the window to speak. "So, what's on your mind?"

"Amanda, I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone." Tears were forming in her voice and eyes.

"I promise, I won't say a thing."

"I'm pregnant. Six weeks." She said in one breath, and looking away from me after.

My heart fell to my stomach, and at the same time my stomach contents rose to my mouth. I tried to keep it all together and be strong for her. The last thing she needed was for me to be falling apart in front of her. I imagined carrying Patton's baby, and the urge to vomit grew, but I managed to hold it in. "I'm sorry. Does Fin know?"

"He's the only one." She said, quietly.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. What would you do?"

"Honestly, I don't think I could keep it. I know I'm not very encouraging, but I'm being honest."

"I appreciate that."

"But your mom did it, and I have no doubt you could too."

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I decided to talk to one of the guards I had been close with before I landed myself in here, and he still believed I was innocent. I pulled him to the side, and talked a bit like we were buddies, and then got down to business. "So, uh. Can you do me a favor?"

"As long as it remains within the law..."

"I need to talk to Olivia Benson. I need you to get a hold of her, and tell her to come visit me as soon as possible. I just need to talk to her."

"I'll see what I can do. I haven't seen her around lately."

"Thanks." Of course he hadn't seen her around, she was still getting over everything Jack and I had done to her. She was tough, and I knew she would be back at work as soon as she could be, but six weeks was not a lot of time, and I wouldn't expect her to pull that off if she were Superwoman.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I told her. It was over, she knew. I wanted to take it back, but I couldn't. Fin was right, I was going to start showing at some point, and the sooner they knew, the more time they had to start acting normal around me before I returned to work. I wasn't going to tell anyone else though, I didn't know if I was keeping it yet. If it was Nick's I could keep it a lot easier, and would probably end up keeping it. But, if it was Jack's, I didn't know what I would do. I still had a week until I could even get the test, and I would worry about it then... or at least I would _try_ to put it out of my mind until then.

She made that comment about my mom, and I fought with everything I had to keep from falling apart. I suddenly felt extremely guilty for everything I had put my mom through. She had to go through everything I am now, and ultimately deciding to keep me. I wondered what she would think if she were still here. She would probably be disappointed, and think I should've known better after watching everything she went through. I should have known, I should have been more cautious, I'm an SVU detective for crying out loud!

Amanda apologized, and then offered her hand, and I took it to be polite, but I just wanted to go back to my room. "Hey, can you look at me?"

I lifted my head, and met her eyes with my tired ones, but I looked away when she started talking, not able to look at her. Knowing, she knew made everything between us so much worse. "Liv, please, look at my eyes." I did, and I saw compassion like I had never seen in her before. I wanted to shrink down to nothing, but I focused on keeping my eyes level with hers. "You are the strongest woman I know. If anyone can do it, you can. I know that he hurt you, and I know that everything seems impossible, more impossible than it did before. But, you're still the great Sergeant Olivia Benson who can do _anything_." I didn't know if I believed her. I could tell she truly believed it, but that didn't mean it was the truth.

Just then my phone rang, and I answered it, after seeing it was Fin. "Hey."

"_Hey, everything going alright?_"

"Yeah. Please don't tell me you're calling to check up on me."

"_No, I just got a call. Nick really wants to see you. You don't have to go if you don't want to, but he's asking for you._"

"I'm on my way there right now."

"_Are you sure?"_

"I'm positive, Fin, thanks."

After I hung up, I got Amanda to give me a ride to Rikers. I didn't know why he wanted to see me, but the fact that he made that effort to tell someone to get a hold of me... Considering everything he has been through, I knew it had to be urgent.

…

I sat down across from Nick, and he did not look good at all. I imagined I didn't either, but I didn't know, I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a couple weeks. Last time I tried looking at myself in the mirror, I relived every bruise and cut on my face, and every other injury he had caused. When I came out of it, I was huddled in Fin's arms on the floor while he offered me the most comfort he could. I hadn't bothered to look at my body without clothes since the attack, I knew I would never be able to handle that. I didn't want to even try, it wasn't worth it.

"You look like you haven't slept in weeks." He told me, confirming my suspicions.

"It's been a rough couple of weeks. So, you wanted to see me?"

"I need your help." His eyes swelled up with tears. "I can't be with them. I can't be here. I can't do this."

"We're doing everything we can to get you out." I said, thinking that was what he meant.

"You don't get it. I'm sharing a cell with a rapist! Tomorrow. If I don't go to my cell at a certain time so those four guys can... so they can... you know..."

"Rape you?" I asked, softly, knowing it was hard for him to hear those words.

"Yeah. Their exact words were, 'we'll fuck you up so hard... and so, long. You won't be able to walk, and your asshole, will be bigger, than... your momma's cunt. We'll make you come for us, until you run dry. It might even, take days.'" He said, trying hard to repeat it as they said it, but displaying extreme difficulty with it on his face. He looked down, and tried to keep it together as he waited for my response.

His hands were folded on the table between us, and I reached over and laid my hands over his. "I'm gonna see what I can do. I don't know if that will be much, if you won't let me tell them what happen. Is keeping this secret more important than preventing it from happening again?" I thought I had him. I thought he may actually give me permission to let go of our secret.

"What if you told them, and they didn't do anything?"

"It could happen, but-"

"-You can't tell anyone." He cut me off. I didn't want him to go through it again, and he left it up to me to prevent it. I left his cell, and I immediately went to talk to the warden.

"Hi. I'm Olivia Benson, and-"

"-Weren't you kidnapped?"

I fought the tears and flashbacks at her words. I tried to remain calm, and keep my professionalism, knowing I was Nick's only hope. I took in a deep breath, trying to calm the nausea and the headache that suddenly decided to make an appearance. "That's partly why I'm here." She looked puzzled. "My partner, Nick Amaro. He was also, kidnapped. He's having a pretty hard time, seeing kidnappers and rapists that he took off the street, and getting beaten nearly to death when he's recognized."

"What do you want from me?" She asked without the slightest bit of emotion.

"I guess, I'm just asking you to put him back in solitary. It was much safer for him there. If you have any sort of heart, you will understand what he has been through, and not put him through more hell than he can handle. Because, I can tell you he can't handle another day where he's at."

* * *

**Fin's POV**

When I arrived, Amanda caught me up on the day's events, although, she couldn't tell me about what Liv's visit with Nick was about because she hadn't spoken a word about it to Amanda. I went into my spare room where Olivia was staying, after Amanda had left. "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm back, if you need anything, you know where to find me."

Olivia was curled up on the bed, and only offered a small nod at my words before taking a deep breath and answering me. "Okay." I could hear the tears in her voice.

"You alright?" I asked, and took a step toward her. "Do you wanna talk about what happen today?"

"Not right now." She said, and curled up tighter in the ball she laid in.

"Okay. Get some rest." I said, but I knew full well she wouldn't be getting any rest. Even when she would sleep, she never rested. Her nights were plagued by nightmares, and was up nearly every two hours screaming at the top of her lungs, and her mornings weren't much easier. I would always run in and calm her, and that is why, after I left the spare room, I laid down on the couch hoping to get a couple hours of sleep in.

…

A couple of hours later, she emerged from the spare bedroom, still not having slept.

"Sorry I got mad earlier. Pregnancy hormones, you know. I'm glad you're looking out for me."

"I get it. You got a lot to deal with, and might I say, you're doing a damn fine job at it." She gave me a weak smile. "So, you wanna tell me what all went down with Nick today?"

"He just wanted to talk. See how I was doing." She fidgeted. Everything between the two had been weird and different since the kidnapping. But then, if I had seen what Nick had, things would likely change between us too. I hated seeing it turn this way, they were always so close.

"Did you have a good talk?"

"Not really, but it's fine." She said, telling me it was time to end the conversation. I got the hint, and I dropped the subject. Olivia took a sip of her water during the moment of silence, and she choked on it a bit.

"You okay?" I could see the water making its way from between her lips. "Hey, let's go over here." I said, and I tried directing her to the bathroom, hoping she wouldn't vomit in my living room.

She yanked her hand from my grasp. "No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" She started to cry, and I realized she was no longer with me. She was away in the world of everlasting terror... again.

"Liv, it's Fin. Please, come back to me." I tried reaching out to her, but she jumped up, and caught her foot on the coffee table, landing her face down on the carpeted floor. She let out a loud, horrific scream that shredded everything inside me, and made me feel so helpless. "Liv." I was by her side in an instant. I could see and feel her shaking. She started clawing at my arm. She was terrified.

"Leave me alone. Don't do this. I can't do this anymore." She whispered between heavy breaths from screaming.

"Liv, I'm not gonna hurt you." I said calmly. She started to calm down, so I then helped her sit and she stopped fighting me.

"Do whatever you're gonna do. Get it over with." She whispered, looking directly at me with tears streaming down her face.

* * *

**So what's gonna happen with Nick? What'd you think of this last scene? Please leave a review!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25!**

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**Olivia's POV**

I sat on the couch with Fin one minute, and the next; _I'm choking on my water, wasting the small amount Jack actually gave to us. Then, Jack grabs my wrist and wants me to pay him back for wasting his water. I jerk my hand free of his grasp. "No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" I try telling him, but he won't listen to me. I try to run, but he catches my ankle and I fall straight on my face. I can feel his hands everywhere, and hear him whispering in my ear. _

"_Liv." I hear him call me. I try scratching him, but it doesn't seem to hurt him. I can't fight him. _

"_Leave me alone. Don't do this. I can't do this anymore." I plea one last time. I know he'll eventually get his way. _

"_Liv, I'm not gonna hurt you." He offers, and I know it's a lie, but I have to give in now before he becomes angrier and gets more violent with me. He will hurt me, just not as bad, if I give in now. I stop fighting, and I allow him to sit me up gently. He is always gentle before he brutally assaults me._

"_Do whatever you're gonna do. Get it over with." I tell him, and wait for him to reach for my clothing._

"_Liv, it's over. He's not gonna hurt you." I hear Nick say from beside me, and I realize I must have passed out for most of the assault. _

_I fall into his lap, crying. "When will this be over!?"_

"_I don't know, but soon. You'll get through." He comforts me. _

_I look down at my body, and I realize I am still fully dressed. He never lets me wear clothes. 'It never happen. All that never happen. None of it happen. He hasn't even touched me yet. I still have a week of torture left to go.' I think to myself. "No. No. I can't do this. I need out!" I start hyperventilating._

"You are out. Liv, you're safe." I heard Fin's voice tell me, and I looked up at him while I still tried to catch my breath. I could see the concern, and unsureness written on his face.

"I know, I'm sorry Fin. I'm back." I collapsed in his arms, and he comforted me while I cried.

"It's okay. It'll be okay. Shh. You're alright. You're safe now." Fin offered these words of comfort to me while I remained hysterically crying in his arms. I tried to let the words sink in, to let them soothe me, but the constant nightmare my life had become begged me to believe otherwise.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

The days at work with the new guy were hell. Benson, Amaro, Fin, and myself had all left a lot of cases incomplete when the two went missing. I was trying to make a little progress, but the cases kept on coming. Then, Fin left me with all the work plus a new guy to train. I told him to watch me until he had it down, figuring it would take less time for me to do it, than it would for me to try to explain it until he understood. He asked a lot of questions on the calls we went on, and I tried to explain without wasting too much time, and just enough so he could get by until I got my squad back.

All I wanted was to get away from everything, like everyone else seemed to be doing. I went back to my apartment after talking to Olivia, but there was nothing there for me. So, I got in my car, and I headed to an old spot that was all too familiar to me.

…

The warm liquid slid its way down my throat, and I could feel all the headaches and suffering slide down with it. "Hit me." A Jack. There went half of this month's paycheck, already. I had only been there a few hours, and all I could do was lose. I knew I should have called it a night, and gone home. Then, I'd think about work, and Liv, Nick, and Lewis, Jack, Patton. I ordered another round, and placed another bet.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

It was after our final meal, and I still hadn't been switched to solitary. I wondered if Olivia wasn't able to do anything, how her conversation went. I couldn't imagine them being too eager to help me, knowing I got myself in here. I didn't deserve any privileges that the typical prisoner didn't receive, but I also couldn't stay in this cell. I couldn't. If they came in to my cell again, I would fight back, and provoke them to kill me. If that didn't work, I'd have to get creative, and think of a fool-proof way to do it myself. The last thing I wanted was to resort to that, but I couldn't handle it happening again. I couldn't even look at myself anymore, I couldn't look others in the eye, and my thoughts were constantly being haunted by the worst hours of my life, and I didn't need any more to be added to it.

I heard footsteps down the hall, nearing me, and I hoped they were coming to move me back to solitary. They finally stopped at my cell, and opened it for me. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and I couldn't get out of there fast enough. They lead me to a different block, where I could sit alone, and not have to worry about the threat again, unless they ever moved me back. I could finally relax, and have the space I needed.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I arrived at work that Monday with the worst hangover, and a lot poorer than the last time I had been there. The new guy walked up to me as soon as I sat down. "Woah, what'd you do this weekend?"

"What?"

"You don't look the best." He replied with. I already knew, he didn't need to tell me.

"But I still manage to look better than you. Imagine that."

"Ha ha. Very funny."

"I ain't joking." I said, and I turned my attention to my computer.

A while later, Murphy came out of his office, and told us to go check up with the victim from a couple days ago. Carisi nearly jumped out of the building, he was so anxious to go. Just as I was heading out, Murphy pulled me aside. "Rollins, how was your weekend?"

"Good. I saw Liv, you know, went to a couple meetings." I couldn't have said something any further from the truth.

"You go out for drinks after?"

"If you have something to ask me, just ask."

"Look, I know we're all having a hard time dealing with everything that has been going on, and I just want to make sure you're not going down another one of your holes."

"I'm fine. Okay. You don't need to check up on me."

"Consider it, holding you accountable, and I do think you need someone to do that for you."

"Well, thanks." I said and walked out of the precinct. _Was it that obvious?_ I started to think that maybe he knew, and wasn't telling me. I felt guilty for lying, but I couldn't confess to him that I had fallen, even though he helped me so much last time. I couldn't disappoint him, and I couldn't let him know what he done hadn't mattered. I hoped it was just coincidental timing, and not that he actually knew something. I knew I should've called in sick, but that also would've made them suspicious. It didn't matter what I did, it felt like it would be written all over my face, no matter what.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I was running out of ways to try to help her. She never wanted to do anything but drink tea and sleep, and sit on the couch, and stare off into the distance. I wanted her to do something for herself, I couldn't stand to watch her give up on everything like she was doing. "Wanna go for a walk?"

"No, you can go by yourself."

"Wanna read a book then?"

"I don't really feel like it."

She never wanted to do anything, but the reason I was given time off work, was to take care of her, and all I ever did was watch her sit on the couch. "Then, let's do some yoga." I shot out there, without realizing what that would mean for me if she agreed.

She gave it half a laugh. "You?"

"Yeah, why not? It can't be that hard." The look she gave me, told me I had no idea.

"I think I'd like to see this." She said, and stood from the couch.

"So, how do you do this?"

"Well, you start off with breathing right." She told me, and I just mirrored whatever she did. I guess she used to take a yoga class, and so she was actually still really good at it. I kept up the best I could, but I didn't mind messing up because, it made her smile or laugh, and I loved seeing that.

We did this one pose where you stand on your hands and feet while you stick your butt in the air. The name of it had something to do with a dog, it looked easy. Then, directly after that, we went to another pose, that was basically the same, but you had to put your butt down, and arch your back, and then go back to the dog pose. It looks easy, but man, I must have fallen at least five times. Then, there was Olivia, mastering it with only one arm. After the fifth time, I gave up. "You know, I think I'll just wait for the next thing."

"No! Fin, you can't quit!"

"You win. I can't keep up with you."

"If you quit, I get to make fun of you for it, for the rest of your life."

"Deal." It was worth it to see the smile spread across her face.

...

The next morning I couldn't move a muscle. I never thought yoga could be such a workout, but I had never been more sore in my life. I was glad she had got through the night without screaming from a nightmare because, I don't know if I would have made it in her room. I walked into the kitchen, and I was met by Olivia looking in my fridge. "Hey, you need help with something?"

"I was just looking for something, you know, it's the first time I haven't felt nauseous to the point of death, and so I thought I should eat a little something."

"Yeah, I'll make you something."

"Thanks."

I wasn't certain, but I was thinking the yoga really was helping her, and helping her to stay calm and relax during this hectic time. I just hoped she would do it on her own, and not make me go through all that pain every day, but I would do it if I had to.

* * *

**Three days later**

**Amanda's POV**

It was finally the weekend, and Carisi and I, well mostly I, had just wrapped up a tough case involving a child, those always seems to be harder than the rest. I don't know what it was about this particular case, or if it was because I had skipped a couple meetings, but I ended up at the same place as last weekend, making it my new normal hangout. This time, I won a small amount, but I quickly lost it, thinking I was on a lucky streak.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Fin and I had just finished our daily yoga session, and I headed back to my room, when I heard a loud BOOM.

_Nick fought Jack for the gun, but he still managed to get a shot off. It hit the ceiling._

BOOM_._

_I felt the pain in my shoulder immediately._

BOOM. BOOM.

_I felt the gun ripping through my insides. Nick never opened his eyes. He shoved it in deeper._

BOOM.

_It was over. I could feel it tearing through me, and it was only a matter of time before I bled out._

"Liv, you okay?" I looked over at Fin, who rushed in my room once he heard it. Fear was clearly painted in my eyes, and I know he saw it. The tears had already made their way down my face, and I had curled myself into a ball on the bed, codling my arm. "Liv, are you okay?" He repeated as he cautiously approached me.

I slowly started to nod.

BOOM.

I jumped a mile, and the tears increased their flow. Fin was by me in a second, and I grabbed onto him, knowing he would keep me safe. I tried to stay coherent, but each BOOM sent a wave of fear i-

BOOM.

I hid my face in his chest, and he held me, protecting me. "What's going on?" I asked when I was given enough time to breathe in between.

"It's Independence Day."

The day we are supposed to celebrate our freedom. I had no reason to celebrate that. I was trapped in my own mind, and I would never be free of the memories, the images of the worst week of my life. One of my best friends, was in jail, for no good reason. _Why do people celebrate our freedom, when not everyone is free?_

* * *

**Nick's POV**

BOOM.

I could see blood.

BOOM.

It was so loud, I could see the bullets hitting her. I covered my head with my pillow to hopefully quiet the sound.

BOOM.

I flinched at the sound, and tried to maintain my composure, and not attract the attention of a guard. There was nothing I could do to make it stop, or make it any better. I would have to suffer through it, and fight the flashbacks for another four to five hours. I didn't know if I could handle it, and thought this could be the end for me.

BOOM.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

She had been curled up in my arms for the last half hour, flinching at every boom. A couple times she would start to push me away, and I would offer her comforting words until she calmed down, and realized she was safe. I heard her gasping for air, and I got an idea. "Liv, can you sit up? Liv."

She pulled her tear soaked face from my chest, and looked up at me.

BOOM.

She jumped, nearly slamming her head into the wall, and the tears following, as she continued to look at me, but not feeling any of my comfort.

"Let's try those breathing exercises you were showing me. Yeah? Okay?"

She nodded, and took my hand while looking me in the eye as I did the exercises with her. Breathe in for four seconds. Hold it for four seconds. Out for four seconds. Hold it for four seconds. Repeat.

BOOM.

She flinched a little, but she continued looking in my eyes, and I could tell I didn't lose her for a second. It was working. We continued the breathing exercises for hours to come, and then she un-expectantly stopped. "I need to use the restroom."

"Okay, just keep breathing like you're doing, and I'll be right out here if you need me. You might want to leave the door unlocked, just in case."

"Okay."

BOOM.

She jumped more than she had in the last hour. I was so worried, I had never seen her as bad as she was doing tonight, and I just wished I could silence the world around us. I knew this would be a rough night, but I had no idea how hard it would actually be for her, and how long the fireworks lasted.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

"FIIIIINN!" I heard from the bathroom, and I rushed to the door.

"Liv." I lightly tapped. "Can I come in?"

"FIIIIN!" She yelled again, and I decided to go in. I slowly opened the door to find her huddled on the far side of the restrooms, in the corner of the tub.

"I'm right here." I said softly as I rushed to her side. "Liv, I'm right here. You need to breathe, Liv, you were doing so good."

She looked up at me, and started to catch her breath.

BOOM.

She jumped, and grabbed onto my arm.

BOOM. BOOM.

"Fin!" She jumped at each one.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

"Liv, look at me. Let's breathe like you were doing, okay?"

She nodded, and followed my lead.

BOOM. BOOM.

She was calmer this time. I decided we should move out of the bathroom, and we went back into her bedroom where we continued to breathe.

…

It was a few hours later, and the fireworks started to calm down until, we didn't hear them anymore. "I hope they're over." She whispered. "I'm so tired."

"Get some rest." I said, and stood, but she grabbed my hand.

"Don't leave. I'm so scared." The tears were building up, and the fear was evident in her eyes, and I couldn't leave her like that. I sat beside her in the bed, knowing this would be a rough night, and glad I wouldn't have to run in from my room every hour. It took her two minutes to fall asleep, and luckily there were no more fireworks for the rest of the night, besides the ones in her head.

Happy Independence Day to us.

* * *

**So, rough night. This chapter was one of my longer ones so, I hope you enjoyed! I just couldn't find a place to stop, so lucky you, you guys got a little extra! Haha. Let me know what you thought.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26! I'm not a doctor, but I use google, so if you think something is wrong, google it. I did my research. I tried.**

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I woke up in a hotel room. I had no memory of the previous night, and I had no clue who the man lying next to me was. I knew I had screwed up, and I tried to collect my stuff as fast as I could before he woke up, and I would have to have a really awkward conversation with him.

"Hey, babe, where you goin'?" He rolled over in the bed, and so the sheets no longer covered him.

"Um, I um, I've got to go." I said as I slipped on my underwear.

He sat up, and took my hand. I paused what I was doing, and got caught up in his gentle touch. "Do you remember last night?"

"No." I replied honestly.

"Me either." He said with a laugh. He stood, and caressed my face. "Why don't we make some memories we will remember?"

"I kinda need to go."

"Is it really that important?" He asked as he kissed me. I couldn't resist. That morning he made me forget every hectic thing that had been going on in my life. None of it mattered when I was with him. I never knew his name, and I never wanted to know, I could never see him again after that morning. I just needed someone to pay a little attention to me, and he did. That was all, it wasn't anything serious.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

_I was walking through a field of daisies, they looked pretty, but then I heard a loud BOOM, and I turned around to watch as a bullet ripped from another one. I ran, as fast as I could, except I couldn't run, and I realized Jack was holding on to me, and preventing me from getting away. I tried to fight him, but he was a lot stronger than I. _

_He managed to pin me on the ground with my arms above my head as I still fought him. "Aww, Olivia, you know what happens when you try to fight me." He held up the paper bag, and I fell limp. I couldn't go through that again. _

_He kissed me and entered me at the same time, and I tried to scream, but was silenced by his lips. He did it again, except this time, one of the bullets from the daisies caught him in the neck, and as soon as his lips detached from mine, I screamed as loud as I could._

* * *

**Fin's POV**

One of the loudest, most desperate, cries ripped from her throat as she screamed, waking herself from the nightmare.

I was right there to assure her she was okay. "It's just another nightmare, Liv."

"What time is it?"

"It's been an hour." Since her last one, that was.

"I-" She fell asleep before she could finish her sentence, but I had no such luck.

I had been up most of the night, trying to get even a wink of sleep. It seemed like every time I started to doze off, she would wake again with another nightmare. This time it was 6 AM, and I knew she would be getting up in about an hour, and almost gave up on sleep, but I ended up getting a full forty minutes of sleep between then, and her final nightmare for the night, bringing the grand total to six.

She darted for the bathroom almost immediately, and I followed right behind her.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

There was only one thing I knew, I needed to see Nick. After last night, I knew it had to be even harder on him than it was me. He had to be in his cell all alone the whole night. I couldn't even imagine not having Fin there with me. After I was through with my morning sickness, I threw on a nicer pair of sweats, and asked Fin to take me to see Nick.

…

"Hey."

"Hey."

He sat down in front of me. "How was it, last night?" I asked.

"It was hell."

"Yeah, for me too. How'd you get through it?" I was curious to know if he had found a better method than I had.

"I didn't. It seemed like an hour in, they took me from my cell, and took me to the nurse. I was such a mess, they gave me some pill that put me to sleep. They said if I didn't come out of it by morning, I would be sent to the mental institution. What about you?"

"Fin had me do breathing exercises. They weren't completely effective, but it helped a lot, kept me calm..." There was a brief silence, but I couldn't stand it, and started talking again. "All the memories... It got me thinking about you though."

"Thinking about Jack reminds you of me?" We both cringed at the name.

"No, not at all, Nick, it's just, the shots. It reminded me... You saved my life, Nick. I'm going to forever be in debt to you, for that, and you're in here, and I can't even... I feel so helpless."

"Olivia, I raped you, I am in debt to you, and I'm giving you the justice you deserve."

"No, you didn't rape me, Nick!" _Could he stop saying that?_

"I did."

"Then, could we just call it even, and go home?"

"I'm sorry." He apologized. I contemplated telling him about the baby, but I knew it would destroy him. It didn't matter whose it was, Nick would put all the blame on himself, and he didn't need any more guilt than what he was already feeling.

"So, I guess I'll see you later?"

"Yeah. The trial is going to start up again on Wednesday, if you want to come. If you don't, I understand."

"I'll do my best. I wanted to go last time, I was just so sick, I couldn't bring myself off the floor." He gave me concerned look, and could hear him loud and clear asking me if I was pregnant through his eyes. "It's just stress, don't worry." He calmed down, and I felt so guilty, especially knowing that he would eventually find out that I lied to him. "You doing okay in here? They moved you to solitary?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"You don't deserve any of this."

"Yeah, okay. Take care of yourself. I'll see you later."

"Right back at you." I said, and he left.

...

The next day was filled with lots and lots of yoga. I couldn't get enough of it. It was the only thing I could really do, even though I couldn't do all of the poses completely because of my shoulder, I was still addicted. When I was doing yoga, I had no flashbacks, no nightmares, I just felt better than I did doing anything else.

Today, I had my regular morning on the bathroom floor, and Fin coming in to comfort me, after a long night of no sleep due to my nightmares that woke him up at least twice every night, and that was on a good night. I hadn't had a second alone since I had been released from the hospital, but I needed some time now, more than ever. "Fin, can you run to the store, and get me one of those ginger whatevers, you know, that's supposed to ease nausea."

"Sure. Anything else you need?"

"Yeah, some time alone. While you're out, I want you to take some time for yourself, a couple hours. I just think we could both use the time."

"Sure."

I did it. I was going to get away, and my plan would work perfectly. As soon as he left I picked up the phone. "Hey, Melinda. I have a favor to ask, do you have a minute? Great. I'll explain when I get there."

* * *

**Melinda's POV**

"Olivia." I said when I saw her walk in. "What's going on?"

"I'm pregnant." She shot out. I was taken aback by this sudden confession. Of course, I knew about the kidnapping, and everything, but I never expected that. After, I became worried, I didn't know what she wanted me to do.

"Olivia, why are you here?" I asked, cautiously.

"I- I need you to promise, you will never tell anyone, what I'm about to tell you."

"Depends..." I didn't want to promise anything before I knew what it was.

"No, you need to promise me, Melinda, you can't tell anyone, as long as you live." I could sense the urgency in her voice, and so I promised her, hoping it wouldn't be anything I would be obligated to report. "I need to know who the father is."

"Okay. Do you have samples?"

"They're both in the system. Jackson Aimes." She tried to hold in the tears. "And Nick Amaro." The tears spilled over the edge.

"Olivia..."

"It's not what you think. Jack forced us to have sex, he's been beating himself up over it. Anyways, I need to know whose baby I'm carrying. No one knows. No one can know." She looked at me with pleading eyes, and I had to help her. She is an incredibly tough woman, and watching her break down like that in front of me, my heart ached for her, and I would've done anything to ease her pain in that moment.

"Okay. I need a sample of your blood, and I'll have the results by tomorrow." She nodded. "I'm so sorry you have to do this."

"So am I." She said, and wiped the tears. I took her blood, but I didn't feel comfortable sending her on her own in the state she was in.

"Are you sure you'll be okay? I can give you a ride."

"Thanks. I'm fine though."

I started thinking, she was able to get to my office alright, and I trusted she would be able to get back the same way. "Okay, but call me if you need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to."

"I will. Thank you, Melinda."

"I'll see you tomorrow." I said, and she hurried out of my office, and I rushed the DNA. She should've never had to wait this long, and I could tell it was eating her up inside, which made everything inside me want to help her as much as I could. I was really curious about how exactly Nick could be the father, I know she said Jack forced them to have sex, but I just felt like there was a lot more to that story. However, I wasn't going to dwell on it, thinking about it made me sick and mad as hell.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I was back at work with Carisi. My life was hell. My phone rang, and I declined without looking at it first. I had to get this report done before I left, and between my phone and Carisi, it was impossible to get any work done.

"Hey, Rollins, did you know-"

"-Stop! Gosh Carisi, are you ever quiet!?"

"Maybe I would be if you gave me some work to do."

I could not roll my eyes hard enough. "You have paperwork to do! Get goin' on that!"

"Uh-uh, I finished."

"Then, go home. I won't tell nobody."

"I think what you meant was, I won't tell _anybody_. Double negatives-"

_He is not seriously correcting my grammar._ "-You know what. You can shut up, or you can leave. So, choose, or I'll choose for you." I said, and rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the headache he was causing me. When I was finally given a couple minutes of silence, I still couldn't concentrate. My mind always brought me back to everything I didn't want to be thinking about.

I was finally able to finish the report, with only having to stay an extra twenty minutes. I got another phone call, and I saw who it was and declined. I knew they were going to ask me why I hadn't been attending meetings recently, and I thought I should go to one. First, I stopped at the bar for a couple drinks to hopefully get me through the meeting.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I had made Olivia her favorite for dinner, toast. She still couldn't keep anything down, and I thought it couldn't still be because of the pregnancy. I thought stress had a lot to do with her lack of appetite, and her being pregnant just made it all worse. I didn't know how we would make it through these next eight months, but I was going to do everything I could to help her. I hoped Nick would be released, and decide to get it together in the next few weeks, and possibly help her out. Then, I realized I must be really tired. Don't get me wrong, I was going to do everything I could to help him if / when he's released, but I wasn't going to count on him making it any sort of easy for me.

My phone rang, and I picked it up. "Tutuola."

"You're a friend of Amanda Rollins, isn't that correct?"

"Depends who's asking."

"My name is Marco, I'm from her GA group. She showed up drunk to our meeting. Someone needs to give her a ride home."

"_Chill out! I just had one drink. I'm fine!_" I heard Amanda slur in the background.

"Okay. I'll be right there." I hung up the phone, and turned to Olivia.

"Go!" She told me, and I left.

...

When I picked her up from the meeting, it was obvious she had had plenty to drink. I took her back to her apartment. "Hey, where's Liv? You haven't been away from her for a second since she got preggers."

"You needa get some rest." I said, and she didn't seem to hear me. She plopped herself on the bed. "You want your PJs?"

"Yeah." She said, as she continued fidgeting with her first button on her shirt.

"You want me to help?"

She giggled like a giddy teenage girl. "Thanks." She said, and I helped her dress into her pajamas. She was laughing the whole time, and I tucked her in before leaving her apartment.

Once I arrived back at home, Olivia was already asleep in the guest room, and I decided to shower before hitting the sack myself, and hopefully I would get four hours of sleep, which was my goal.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I was sicker than ever the next morning, and I think it was all due to the fact that I was going to find out. Melinda was going to come over in a few minutes, and I had to get Fin out. He made it pretty easy on me though. "Go, go check on Amanda. She needs you more than I do."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Go." I said, and a few minutes later he was gone.

...

We were sitting on the couch and she handed me the paper. I didn't look at it at first. I was too scared. Melinda just watched as I sat frozen, trying to will my eyes to read the paper in my hands.

I read the name.

I froze, with my eyes on the name. I went completely numb. I could hear a voice in the distance ask me, "is there anything I can do?"

I shook my head, hoping the voice was real, and talking to me.

"Olivia?"

My eyes swelled up with tears, but I couldn't respond. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything.

* * *

**So, who's do you think it is? Either way, will she tell Nick? If not, when / how might he find out? Either way, how will he react? How is Amanda going to fit into everything? Agh! So many questions! Let me know what you think with a review!**


	27. Chapter 27

**This is my Christmas present to you. Chapter 27! and it's a longish chapter because I'm nice.**

**.**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

After I got Melinda to leave, and was alone, I still sat on the couch, reading the name over and over again, until I was convinced I had seen it right, and it wasn't going to ever change. My eyes were still full of tears that were steadily flowing down my face. I wiped my eyes, and read the name again, just to be sure. It still hadn't changed. Nick Amaro. It really wasn't Jack's. This changed everything.

I was still staring at the paper when I heard Fin returning, and I quickly hid the paper in my jacket, and wiped my tears.

"Hey. You okay?" He could tell I had been crying.

"Yeah. I need to see Nick." I tried to play it off as he was the reason for my tears. Fin bought it, and took me there a couple hours later.

.

* * *

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"What's going on?" He was obviously curious why I had come to see him, and could sense I had something to tell him.

"I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"It's yours." His hand immediately went to his mouth, then to the top of his head. Then, the tears started as he stood. He shook his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He stopped everything he was doing. "Who knows?"

"Just Melinda. I had to tell her. I made her promise me a thousand times not to say anything."

He shook his head. "I'm so sorry I put you though all of that, of this."

"No, Nick, listen to me... I have spent the last month thinking this baby was Jack's, that it was conceived by rape, like me. I'm so glad I was wrong." I paused but he was speechless. "This baby, will know you, and I want you to be involved in its life."

"You're keeping it?" I don't know why he sounded so shocked by it.

"Of course. I would never abort _our_ baby."

"I can't be involved in its life, in here."

"If that's where you are, that's what it has to be. If you don't want that, start fighting. Get out of here. Open up about what really happen. They're gonna find out, especially if it looks exactly like you." I just wanted him to get out of there, maybe this was the leverage I needed to make him realize he doesn't belong here.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"You can tell everyone, just about that, though. Not anything else."

"Okay."

"And, I'm gonna fight this, and get out of here, and be the best father I can be to this kid."

"Thank you Nick." My tears turned to tears of joy at his words. "So, are we good then?"

"You really don't think I raped you?"

"Not at all. Just because I was handcuffed, doesn't mean I didn't consent. I told you to go ahead. He was going to kill us. He forced us to have sex. You're not at fault any more than I am."

He nodded, finally seeming to understand what had happen. "I guess so."

"I know so."

He nodded. "I'll see you in court tomorrow."

"See you."

* * *

**Fin's POV**

After Olivia returned to the car after visiting Nick, she wanted to go to the precinct, she said she had something she needed to amend her statement to IAB, she just remembered something. So, I drove her to the precinct, and updated Murphy on what was going on, and he had us go into his office. We had to wait a while for someone from IAB to arrive, and as we were waiting, Amanda came in.

"Why are you guys here?"

"She remembered something." I answered for her. Olivia looked distant, and not ready to talk, and I wanted her to be able to stay calm so she could hopefully get through whatever she had to say, when the time came.

"Oh, okay. Look, Fin, I'm really sorry about last night. I don't remember much, but what you told me this morning... I'm really sorry."

"I know. It's good." I said, and she left. I think she was worried I was going to tell Murphy, but as long as it didn't happen again, I saw no reason to tell him. I turned to Olivia. "You okay?"

"I don't know." She said, and took my hand when I offered it. Her hands were cold and clammy, and she was shaking terribly.

"It'll be alright."

"You don't know, Fin, you have no idea."

Murphy entered, and took his seat behind his desk, and Tucker followed behind, and stood by where Murphy sat. "What was so urgent, you needed me to drop everything I was doing, in order to come here?" All eyes turned to Olivia.

"I remembered something, and I just wanted to give you a heads up before I testified, and one last chance to drop the charges against Nick."

"What is it?"

She looked at me, and then down. She took a deep breath before she began. "After Jack burned our clothes. He told Nick to... 'do me'. Nick refused. He told Jack, he would take the bullet before he would touch me." My stomach was already turning. I had a feeling I knew what was coming next, and I didn't want to hear it. "I told Nick it was okay. I didn't want him to die at my expense. So, we had sex, until Jack was satisfied, which, was, when we came. Then, Jack joined in." She was hardly keeping it together. She looked up at Tucker's stone face, then at Murphy who was obviously in shock, leaning back in his chair, sitting unmoving with his hand over his mouth, then at me. I hoped my expression was no display of what I was feeling. I couldn't even feel my face. My heart plummeted when she told us, and I couldn't move. I think my heart actually stopped beating. I knew they went through a lot, but I never expected this twist to be thrown out, and I sat completely dumbfounded at this revelation. All I really wanted to do was take her in a big hug, and tell her it would be alright, and thank her for telling us, knowing Nick obviously tried to keep it a secret from us.

"Okay. Miss. Benson, we are not going to drop the charges because you told us this, but it does help us understand." Tucker said.

Murphy shook his head. "Are you out of your mind!? Once the jury hears that, its justifiable homicide, without a doubt!"

"That's up to the jury to decide. We'll see."

"There's one more thing." She looked at me, and grabbed my hand. I knew what she was going to tell them. "I'm pregnant. It's Nick's."

Murphy closed his eyes, and shook his head. Tucker was thrown completely off track by this. "I'm sorry for what you've had to endure, but I'm not dropping the case because I feel bad for this child, who will find out his father is a rapist."

"NICK DIDN'T RAPE ME!" She stood from her chair, and I thought she was going to crawl across the desk and strangle him. I stood beside her.

"Liv, Liv, we know. Liv." She stood still frozen, glaring at Tucker, ready to fight. I wondered if she was still with us, every time she stopped responding to me, she seemed to be in a different world. "Liv, it's okay. Can you sit down?" I put my arm on her shoulder, and she jumped a little, and looked over at me. "You're okay. Can you sit down?" She nodded. She slowly sat in her seat, her eyes glued on me. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Sorry."

"If you are all done with your little charade, I'm going to head out." Tucker said, and Murphy walked him to the door.

He returned to his desk. "I think you would both be eager to know, 1PP wasn't too crazy about Benson retuning."

"What?"

"Let me finish. I talked to some people, showed them some stats. There's no denying you're the best there is, and you made it an easy argument. They would be stupid not to allow you to come back to work. So, just earlier today, they approved you to return back to Special Victims."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I'm sorry I put you through that."

"It was worth it, to have you back."

She smiled weakly at his comment, then turned to me. "Can we go?"

"Yeah." I said, and we both rose from our seats.

.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I felt sick to my stomach. I finally revealed the thing I had been trying so hard to hide, and I basically got slapped in the face for it. I would've rather been slapped in the face. I don't think Tucker believed me. I think he thought it was a method of trying to avoid a trial for Nick. Fin and I walked out of Murphy's office. I saw Tucker just ahead of us, talking to another detective. The sickening feeling in my stomach grew, and I darted for the restrooms.

I burst into the stall, and my head was in the bowl just in time. My hair was falling in my face, and I tried to pull it out of the way, but it was too short, and I only had one hand. Plus, the sweat was making the hair stick to my face. The tears were also starting, and I just prayed no one would come walking in the doors. I must have looked like hell.

Flush.

There was someone in the stall next to me. I lost the ability to operate every single muscle in my body.

"Hey, Liv, are you okay?"

Amanda.

Before I could answer her, I was thrown forward, releasing the remainder of the burning liquid into the bowl. She pulled the hair from my face, and put it back in a ponytail.

"Thank you."

"Morning sickness this late?"

"More like Tucker sickness."

"What was he doing here anyways?"

I shook my head. "Ask Fin. I really don't want to talk about it." She nodded, and I stood from the floor, splashed some water on my face, and swooshed some around my mouth before joining Fin outside.

"You good?"

"As always."

.

* * *

When we returned to Fin's place, the anxiety hit me. I was going to have to talk about what happen to me in open court. I immediately went back to the room I was staying in, and faced the wall as I laid in the bed. Fin came in behind me, and sat down on the bed. "Hey, Liv. You know we have to talk about it." I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't. "I'm not gonna let this go."

"What is there to say!?" My voice cracked all over the place.

"Why didn't you tell me it was Nick's?"

"I did. I just found out too." I said, but I didn't make an effort to face him, instead stayed facing the wall.

"But you did remember when he made you and Nick-"

"-I'm not talking about this right now! Leave me alone!" I knew he was trying to help me, and understand for himself, but I didn't have the strength to talk about it in that moment. I barely had the strength to cry the tears that were running down my face. He left the room, and I rolled over on the bed. I thought I had closed my eyes for a second, but apparently a couple hours had passed. At least I didn't have any nightmares...

Fin walked in with a tray of food. "You know I can't eat all of that."

"I'd like you to try. That baby needs to be nourished, and one piece of toast isn't going to do it."

I sat up in the bed, and looked at the warm bowl of chicken noodle soup in front of me. I took a bite. I had forgotten how much I used to enjoy eating regular food. I couldn't finish the whole bowl, but Fin was satisfied with what I ate. He took my bowl, and remained sitting on the bed next to me. "You wanna talk about it now?"

"There's nothing to say." I looked away from him, feeling the tears already starting to make their way to the edge of my eyes.

"We both know that's not true. How do you know it's Nick's?"

"I asked Melinda to do a paternity test." I mumbled quietly.

Fin was shocked. I knew I had hurt him by keeping this from him, after everything he had done for me. "Why didn't you tell me? You know I still would've supported you."

"Nick didn't want anyone to know. He finally gave me permission to tell you guys."

"So you do remember it."

"I couldn't forget it. It was..." I didn't want to think about it anymore. It was flooding my mind, and I couldn't handle it. I curled into a little ball, and started sobbing while Fin whispered comforting words to me. He continued until, I wiped the tears, and brought my head out of the ball I had created.

"Liv."

"I don't want to talk about it." I said, and that was the end of that. He didn't ask about it anymore, and let me know I could take my time, and talk about it on my own terms, when I was ready. I didn't think I'd ever be ready.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

"Is it true?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"It's not something I want to talk about."

"I think it's past what you want by now." I said.

"I'm getting out of here. Well, that's what Olivia tells me. I've decided to fight for myself, for the baby." He changed the subject.

"That's really great, Nick."

"Yeah. Is she doing okay? I know she told IAB and everything."

"She's... hanging in there. She needs you." She really did need him. I didn't have a lot more to tell him about her because, I didn't see her much anymore. She hid away while Fin did all the running around for her.

"The last thing she needs is me."

"That's not true." I was trying to stay engaged in the conversation, but I found myself disconnecting in order to keep myself together. I could see all the pain he was trying to desperately hold in, and I wondered if I was that obvious too, when I slipped up. I thought I had actually gotten really good at putting on a happy face, and pretending everything is alright, after so many years of doing it. We wrapped up the conversation, although, I don't really remember a lot of it.

.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I knew I had been pressuring her a lot lately, but I just wanted her to know I was there to support her, no matter what she told me. I could handle it. I've handled everything she has told me this far, and I couldn't imagine it could get much worse. The fact that the baby is Nick's, was the biggest shock to me. I wanted her to tell me the truth, talk to me more about it, her feelings on it. Then, at the same time, I didn't want to hear it. She finally emerged from the bedroom, and took a seat on the couch next to me. "You get some sleep?"

"No, I couldn't fall asleep." We sat in silence for a few seconds before she turned to me, and asked me, "Do you think Nick raped me?"

It was so sudden, I didn't have time to process it, but I was afraid if I took time to think about it, she would say I hesitated and think I was lying. "No."

"Do you think I raped him?"

"No, not at all, Liv."

"He really didn't want to. I told him to. He was going to die. I consented, but he never did."

"But you were handcuffed to the bed, right? He had to go over to you?"

"Yeah, but... I still, I-"

"That was him consenting."

"We were both crying, doesn't that-"

"No, it's a very unique scenario, but it isn't rape."

"What about when they were both... and I wanted both to stop. He wanted to stop just as much."

"It was forced sex, but neither one of you are at fault."

"So, we raped each other."

"No. Is there a difference when you hear the name Nick, versus the name Jack?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"Nick makes me want to cry because I just want him to heal, everything to be better. Jack, I wanna puke, I wanna punch something, I'm gonna get sick right now thinking about him."

"That is the difference between rape and forced sex. Jack forced you guys to have sex, he raped you, not Nick. The same goes with Nick, if he didn't consent to every second of it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, thank you."

"You're welcome. If you have any more questions, I'm right here." She nodded. I was just glad to be able to answer that, and that she was able to talk about it enough for me to help her. I knew it had been weighing heavily on the both of them, and I was so glad she was willing to talk about it with me, and ask me the questions that she had. It was a step in the right direction, and I was so proud of her.

.

* * *

**The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is leaving a review for the all to hear. Merry Christmas!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28! Long chapter because I'm realizing this is going to be a 90 chapter story if I don't make my chapters longer.**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I sat outside the courtroom with Fin. My heart was already pounding so hard I could hear it louder than all other sounds. My entire body was shaking, and I felt sick to my stomach. The stakes were so high, I hoped I wouldn't crumble under the pressure. I wasn't sure I could tell the court everything, but I had to try, for Nick. "You're gonna be in the audience, right?"

"As long as it's okay with you." I nodded. I couldn't imagine doing this without a familiar face to hold my stare besides Nick. "You'll do great."

"Thanks. I hope so." The doors to the court opened, and I knew it was my time. I was able to get to my feet, and I instructed myself to put one foot in front of the other. I was so concentrated on walking without melting down or running away, I missed all the staring faces of pity watching me as I walked to the stand. That much was intentional, I knew if I looked at them, I would lose my nerve, and I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. I swore in, took my seat, and stared at my lap while I waited for the first question. The prosecutor stood from her seat, and I waited. This was going to be a disaster.

"Miss Benson, first I want to start by saying how sorry I am for everything."

"Objection. Where's the question? Get to the point."

"Sustained." The judge said.

"Miss Benson. You were there when Jackson Aimes was shot and killed. Were you not?"

"I was."

"Now did you see what happen?"

"I did not see all of it. I had been injured myself. I did see most of it, though."

"What exactly did you see?"

"I saw, Nick pull Jack off of me. They started fighting. Jack pulled his gun, and they struggled for possession of it. The gun went off. Then it went off again. I felt the pain in my shoulder. I heard the gun go off a few more times, and Jack groan at each shot." I don't completely remember all of it as clear as I was telling it. Everything from that time was very hazy in my mind. I was barely conscious, and fighting starvation and dehydration the entire time. I believe that's how it all happen, so much so that I would be able to pass a lie detector, but I didn't trust my memory.

"So Jack was alive until the final shot? Still a threat?"

"Yes."

"So, you're telling me that with, even only three, bullets in him, he would still be a threat?"

"Yes."

"How so? Is he superman?"

"You don't know what we went through. We went through things that I had never heard of happening, as a detective that works these crimes."

"Well I'm really sorry for all that, but do you really think he could've overpowered you, just before the defendant took the final shot?"

"Yes."

"He must have really got to you. Withdrawn." She said before returning to her seat, but not yet sitting down. "I hear you guys have recently found out some news."

"Yes."

"What is that?"

"I am, pregnant, with the defendant's baby." I could hear the jury gasp all at once. I couldn't look over at them, but I could feel their eyes burning into me as I spoke.

"As a result, and direct evidence of his brutality toward you. Right?"

"No, he didn't hurt me. I am glad this baby is his, and not Jack's." I said firmly so maybe _someone_ would believe me.

"I bet. At least his father is still alive. Withdrawn." She quickly added. "So, let me get his straight, the two of you voluntarily had sex in front of Jack?"

"Neither one of us wanted to do it, but we had to. In order to survive. We didn't rape each other. It was forced sex, not rape." I remembered what Fin had told me.

"Isn't forced sex the definition of rape?" She said before finally taking a seat in her chair, and giving me a smile as if she had won. "Nothing further."

I let out a deep breath while I waited for Nick's attorney to start with the questions. I rubbed my sweaty palms together, and met Fin's eyes, and braced myself for the questions that were sure to come. "Sergeant Benson, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. What did Jack do that makes you believe he was still a threat until the final shot?"

I made a mistake by taking my eyes off Fin, and moving them to Nick. This wasn't any easier for him. He looked horrible. I had to get him out of there. It was all up to me. "Um, Jack. He kidnapped the both of us. Then, he raped me while he made Nick watch. Then." I took in a breath before I continued. "He forced Nick and I... to have sex." There, I said it.

"Can you please be a little more specific? We want to make sure everyone in here realizes the brutality the two of you were faced with."

I shifted my eyes back to Fin, but I couldn't look at him so, I went back to Nick. Nick knew more details than I would ever share, and it made me not as nervous when I locked eyes with him instead, because I wasn't going to tell him anything he didn't already know. "Jack broke into my apartment, and held me at gunpoint, until I went with him. After a day, he arrived with the defendant, Nick, and Jack raped me repeatedly. He forced Nick to watch, every time. Then, he forced the both of us, to have sex. Jack joined after, and shortly after, Nick stopped and told Jack, to shoot him because he wasn't going to hurt me anymore. Jack left, and came back, and that's when Nick pulled him off me and shot him."

"How did he force you guys to do what he wanted?"

"He would hold the gun to the opposite one's head. Say he would kill the other one if we didn't listen. Because, at that point, we valued each other's lives over our own."

"If you had been in the defendant's position, would you have done the same thing?"

"No. I would have fired an extra shot to ensure he was dead. No one will ever understand what we went through, but I just hope the jury realizes how awful it actually was. How Jack starved us, tortured us, assaulted us, and who knows what he put in the water. Nick handled it probably better than any other person would have in our situation."

"Oh, and the baby... would you mind telling us why you're glad it's the defendant's?"

"Objection! That's irrelevant."

"You opened this door." The defense argued.

"He's right. I'm going to allow it."

He asked me the question again. "Um, I was so worried my child would be a product of rape, but it's not. Nick, is one of the best partners, best fathers, and I'm glad he will get to assume that title for my child."

"Thank you, Sergeant Benson."

That was it. My role in the trial was over. I would never have to speak of it again. When they wrapped up for the day, I was able to talk to Nick for a couple minutes before they pulled him away from me. "Thank you." He told me.

"No, thank you for fighting, and allowing me to say all that."

"I promise you, I'm gonna get my life together once I get out of here."

"I hope so, I really do hope so." Was the last thing I was able to say before they pulled him away from me. I turned to Fin who took me into his arms, and walked out of the courthouse with me. "Do you think I helped him?"

"You did amazing. They'd be crazy to convict him after that."

* * *

**Nick's POV**

It was great to see her again. Hard, but great. She appeared so strong, and I wondered how much of it was an act. If she was feeling anything like I was, it was entirely an act. I knew Olivia well enough to realize about half of it was an act. I could tell she was doing everything to keep from falling apart, and showing how hurt she was by what Jack and I had done. I don't know why she decided to lock eyes with me, but I hope it helped her because, it didn't do anything to help me get through the day. My lawyer told me that I had nothing to be worried about, and the jury was leaning in our favor, but trust no jury, right? I really wanted to be there for Olivia and the baby. She said she wanted me to be there, and I hoped she actually meant it because, this really is what I wanted. I've always thought Olivia was an amazing woman, but way out of my league, and I wasn't going to cross professional lines, but maybe, just maybe, this could be my chance with her. I knew those thoughts were sick and twisted and wrong in so many ways, but what if they were right? I mean, there were no professional lines we haven't already crossed, and she _is_ going to have _our_ baby. I knew it would be a long and painful road of recovery for the both of us, and for me especially, having to face everything I had told her. Actually, maybe it could be better if we went our separate ways.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I sat on the couch, rubbing circles on my belly. There wasn't a bump yet, but there was a life in there. I couldn't get over the thought of a little Amaro growing inside me. I just hoped he or she be as cute as it's daddy. "I'm gonna be a mom." I said to Fin as he entered the room.

"A great one too." He told me. I smiled at his words, then looked down. He took a seat next to me, and turned on the TV.

I don't know what show it was on, but all I heard from the TV was 'guys can't be raped.'

_I was lying handcuffed to the bed. Jack told me I had better not look away, and I tried my best. He had Nick's hands pinned, and had already stripped him of his clothes. He took himself out, and dangled it in front of Nick's mouth. "If you bite me, you are going to wish I had killed you."_

_He forced himself in Nick's mouth, and Nick started gagging, and I couldn't watch as Nick bit down. Jack punched him hard in the face, and blood sprayed from Nick's mouth at the blow. Jack kicked Nick where it hurt most, a few times, then he handcuffed Nick's hand behind his back. I could only watch as the tears streamed down my face, wishing I could look away, I could help. Jack turned him on his stomach, and pounded it in, again and again. I watched Nick's face as it detorted at every painful thrust, and grinding into the concrete floor. I looked away once, but once I heard the punch, I quickly moved my eyes back to them. After Jack came inside of Nick, he turned him over, and made Nick come for him, using his hands. Nick held it in for a while, but eventually his body betrayed him, and Jack licked the fluid, but then suddenly clamped his teeth. Nick screamed out in pain, and Jack smiled at his accomplishment. "You won't do that again, will you?" He stood in front of Nick. "You're going to get on your knees, and you're gonna beg me to have sex with you. Alright? Or I'll shoot Olivia. Then, you're going to make me come for you, and swallow. Got that."_

_Nick only lied there, still in pain. Jack pulled his gun, and pointed it at me. "Okay, okay." Nick said, barely audible. He sat on his knees. "What do you want me to say?" _

"_Have sex with me. I need you in my mouth. It's that simple."_

_Nick repeated the line. "Have... sex, with me. I need... you... in my, mouth."_

"Olivia."

_Jack held it in front of Nick's lips, waiting for them to part. Nick slowly opened his mouth, after Jack pointed the gun at me again. "Oh, gosh. Take all of me, take it all." Jack said, in a breathy tone. He held the back of Nick's head, and pushed himself down his throat, and then pulled mostly out. "You can do better."_

"Olivia."

_Nick pulled a shaky hand up to touch Jack, and started stroking him as he worked him in his mouth, and Jack spilled after that, and Nick was forced to swallow. Then, Jack pushed Nick down on his stomach, and shoved it in a few more times, before taking off the handcuffs._

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"Olivia." I tried one more time.

She jumped at the sound of my voice and looked at me with her tear soaked face. Her tears were completely covering her cheeks, and running all the way down to the collar of her shirt. I just wished I had noticed her sooner. One minute she was sitting next to me telling me she was going to be a mom, the next minute she had tears streaming down her face while watching House Hunters. I knew she wasn't actually watching the TV in front of her, but rather the one in her mind that never seemed to shut off.

"Liv, it's okay. You're okay. He can't hurt you."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Fin. I'm gonna go back- go back to my room." She said, and disappeared.

I heard the door close. Her sobs immediately followed. I felt so helpless. My heart broke into a million little pieces, and I wanted to cry for her. She didn't deserve any of it. I closed my eyes, and placed my head in my hands, taking in a few deep breaths. I could hear her sobs still in the background, they were begging me to go in there and comfort her. I didn't know if I could handle it, or if she even wanted me to go in there. I decided to go in. I lightly tapped on the door first. "Liv, can I come in?" The sobs lightened to a sniffle, and I let myself in the room. I found her sitting on the floor next to the door, with the tears halfway wiped off her face. "What's going on?" She wouldn't answer me. I knelt down beside her. "Liv, please talk to me."

"I can't do this, Fin. I can't. It's too much."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I couldn't tell him, even if I wanted to, which I didn't want to. I promised Nick. I couldn't do that to him.

"You're going to get through this. We're going to get through together."

"You don't know."

"What don't I know?"

_Everything._ "What I'm going through!"

"I know. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, and what you are still going through, but I'm here for you. I want to help you through it. I want to be here for your baby, and I'm willing to listen whenever you want to talk. I don't know exactly what you're going through, so that's why you need to tell me what I can do to help."

_He's not supposed to be that nice. I need to tell him. I can't. Nick would never talk to me again. _I felt so guilty for not telling him about Nick, and everything that was currently eating me alive, after all he had done to support me. I have no idea where I would've been without Fin. "Thank you, Fin. For all of that."

"It's no problem. Do you think you'll be hungry for some dinner tonight?"

I shook my head. "I'm gonna go to bed. Hopefully you can get some sleep too." I pulled myself off the floor, and sat on the bed. All I really wanted was to be alone. I couldn't stop thinking about Nick, and I didn't want it to accidently slip out during a flashback. I just wanted him to get out of prison, and be where he was safer. I knew how inmates were treated, both by the guards and by other inmates, and it was a far from ideal place to go for the healing he needed.

Fin left the room after asking me if I needed anything else. I told him I was fine, and to go get some sleep. He finally left and I was able to cry myself to sleep.

* * *

_Jack comes into the room, but instead of going over to me, he goes over to Nick. This is supposed to be our time to escape, this can't happen! He shoves Nick face first on the ground, and I know what Jack's doing, so I don't allow myself to look. I keep my eyes on his face. I see blood from the side of his head, and his eyes start to roll back. "You're gonna kill him! He can't breathe! Get off him!"_

"Please, Jack. Stop!" I could hear myself screaming when I woke up. I sat up in the bed, trying to catch my breath, and figure out how much I yelled out loud. I heard Fin coming and I didn't know how much he had heard. "Get out." I said when the door opened.

"You okay, Liv?"

"No I am not okay! Get out of my room!" I screamed at him, but I wasn't sure if I was scared or angry. I just wanted him out of my room, before he knew.

"You're good?"

I calmed down a bit, realizing he only wanted to know if I were still in the nightmare. "Yes, Fin, I know it's you, and I'm safe."

"Goodnight then." He said, closing the door.

I felt so bad. I had just woke him up out of dead sleep, only to yell at him, and he was fine with that. He was just glad I was okay. I couldn't understand it, but I was glad I had him.

…

The next morning I was quiet in getting up, glad to pass up the morning sickness. Fin was still asleep, and so I decided maybe it was time for me to do something around here so I made up a few eggs. I was going to make bacon to go with it, but he didn't have any so I settled for only hash browns.

Fin got up only a few minutes after I finished, and put it on the plates. "Hey, this is a nice surprise."

"Well, I mean, he didn't paralyze me. I can still do some things." I said handing him his plate, and placing the other in front of myself.

"You actually going to eat?"

"I'm gonna try. The baby needs to be nourished." I said, and took a bite of my eggs. They were mediocre at best, but Fin tried to convince me they were amazing. I couldn't stop thinking about the night before, though. I knew what I had said in the nightmare, but I didn't know what I said out loud, or what Fin heard of it. I needed to ask him. "Hey, about last night. What did I say?"

"When I came in the room? You told me to get out."

"No, before that."

"You said, Please, Jack stop."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. All I heard."

"Okay." I was so relieved to hear that. "And sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you like I did. You've been amazing to me."

"I get it. It's all good."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

After another long day at work with Carisi and Murphy, I did my best to avoid the gambling. I knew if I went home, I'd just leave again, and if I went to a meeting I'd feel too guilty. I went to the only other place I could. Fin's house. I knew Olivia would be there, and it would probably make me want to escape more than anything, but I knew I would crack again, if I chose any of my other options.

Fin welcomed me with a smile, and a hug. He invited me in, and I joined them in the living room. "So, how've you guys been?" I knew I didn't really want to hear the answer, but maybe, just maybe I thought, they might give me a positive answer.

"It's been alright." Fin tried to stay positive. "We did some yoga today, or, well... mostly Olivia did yoga, I only attempted it."

"You're improving though." Olivia stated. "Shoulda seen him the first time, it was hilarious!"

They both started laughing, and I offered a smile. I was glad to see her happy and all, but I just wasn't really in the mood for funny stories, and jokes. I think Fin noticed because he became serious when he asked me a question. "You doing alright, Amanda?"

"Yeah."

"How's work?"

"Horrible. I need you guys back. The new guy is so annoying, and Murphy has been on my ass, about every case, and he keeps asking if I'm going to meetings, and I'm just- I need y'all back."

"Have you been going to meetings?" Fin asked.

_No. They all know I screwed up._ "That's really none of your business." I said, and suddenly I needed to get out of there, before he found out, I needed to leave. "You know, I should get going, I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on, I just remembered."

"Glad you could stop by." Olivia said as I stood from my seat.

Fin shook his head. "Don't do it, Amanda." He followed me to the door.

I turned around at the door. "Do what?"

"Gambling and drinking doesn't solve problems. If you're dealing with something, you need to talk to someone. You can talk to me if you want."

"I said I was going to do paperwork. I don't know how that got twisted into me needing to talk. I'm fine, thanks for your concern though."

"Okay, don't stay too late." Fin said as I left.

…

I took another swig of my drink, and placed the bet. I saw a guy with a huge stack nod at me, and I nodded back. After the round he came over to me. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"I just gambled my drinking money, so I'm gonna say yes."

"How much you in the hole?"

"A few thousand."

"Maybe I can help you with that." He looked me up and down, and I knew what he was implying. I was already thinking it though, but now that he was offering to pay off my debt, he became a thousand times sexier.

We had a few drinks together before we headed outside for some fresh air. That was where he kissed me. Deep, intense, passionate, perfect. We went to the ally next to the building for a little more privacy. He pinned me against the wall, and kissed me. I reached for his zipper as he hiked up my little tight skirt. He really knew what a girl liked. I tried to return the favor, but he made me come over and over again, that I could hardly function. I eventually made him come too, and he tucked it away as I pulled my underwear back up. We tried to clean up the best we could, and returned for him to pay my debt.

However, once inside that place, I couldn't leave. I ended the night up ten dollars, accounting for the drinks I bought, and also up another man lying next to me when I woke up, who I didn't know his name. This one was younger, and more inexperienced which made for a crazy night.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I wasn't able to get a hold of Amanda for the rest of the weekend, besides one text that said 'I'm fine. Quit worrying about me.' She was at work on Monday, and also there at Nick's trial. I assumed that meant she was okay for another week.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I sat with Fin and Amanda as they stated their concluding arguments.

"You have seen what they went through. There was no way out of the hell they endured, besides the way they were forced to resort to. The law is clear about justifiable homicide. It must prove three points. One. They were attempting to prevent a serious crime such as murder or rape. Jack shot Olivia in an attempt to stop the defendant. He also raped her repeatedly. It was clear what needed to be done. Two. They tried to escape. Several times. You heard it in both their statements. Three. There was not any other way to prevent the two of them of being murdered and her being raped again. The only way to stop him, was to put a bullet in his head. They both said he was alive till the final shot. He was capable of anything. I don't see why we aren't awarding this man with medals, he didn't just save their lives, he saved the lives of all of Jack's future victims. Which could have been any one of your daughters, sisters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sons, who knows? He was capable of anything."

I felt like I was going to suffocate. Hearing my story being told back by Nick's lawyer, a man I had talked to maybe twice in my life. I looked over at Nick, and it didn't look like he was doing much better. I needed to get out of there. I had survived all that torture and all this aftermath just to suffocate in a court room. I rustled in my seat. "You okay?"

"I can't breathe." I stated, trying to be quiet, but I could see many jury member's heads turn to me.

"Okay, let's step outside." He said calmly and quietly.

We stepped outside of the courtroom. "Put your hands on your head, and try to focus on breathing." Fin instructed.

I did as he told me to, and the tears ran down my face as I regained my breath. "I'm sorry." He didn't say anything, he just took me in for a hug, and I cried on his shoulder. I needed Nick to be okay, I needed him to come home.

Everyone started to file out of the courtroom, and I knew it was panic time. This was either Nick's final minutes/ days/ weeks/ of incarceration, or the last time he would have hope of being free. He couldn't go down for this. He couldn't. Fin and I went over to Barba's office to see what he had to say, while Amanda headed back to work.

"There's no question of whether it was justifiable homicide, it comes down to if the jury is competent, and are able to understand the definition of justifiable versus blatant homicide." Barba stated.

We both nodded. Fin's phone went off, and he looked at it. "Jury is back." He told them.

"It hasn't even been a half hour." I was so worried. Extremely short and long deliberations tended to be the least predictable. I didn't know if I could handle hearing a guilty verdict.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

The jury came back too soon for comfort. This was it. This moment would decide my fate for the rest of my life. I rose to my feet when they instructed me to do so. I didn't know how long I would be able to remain standing being that my legs were already beginning to shake underneath me. My attorney gave me a confident nod, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Jury have you reached a verdict?"

"We have your honor." The foreman of the jury stated. I glanced back at Liv who was sitting with her elbows rested on her knees, and Fin was rubbing circles on her back.

"How do you find on the sole count..."

"I don't want to hear it." I could hear Olivia's voice say behind me. Truth was, I didn't either. But I did hear it.

I heard the foreman of the jury say those four words. "The defendant, not guilty." Olivia immediately ran up to me, and gave me a hug.

"Nick, don't ever leave me again." She whispered to me. I never wanted to leave her again.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

After arguing with Nick for about an hour, he finally agreed to stay at Fin's with me. I didn't want him to be alone, and I didn't want to be without Fin, at least for the first night.

We sat on the couch while Fin went to get some more toast and soup. "You can have the spare bedroom." I offered him, wanting to be sure he was comfortable.

"I really just want to go home."

"So do I, but I know I can hardly do anything for myself anymore. Plus, we're gonna have a baby, and Fin has been such a big help."

"I'm not you. Maybe I'd rather be home."

"Just say it. What is this about?" He was so angry, and I knew it wasn't at me.

"Nothing. I just wanna go home."

"Nick, look at me. There's nothing we haven't told each other, and secrets can't start now. We have to get it together before this kid comes out of me. Why don't you want to stay here? What's the big deal?" I asked softly.

"I've been having nightmares, Liv. Every night. Usually more than one. I don't want Fin to see that. They're bad."

"So have I." I confessed.

He hung his head. "I'm sorry."

"Look, I have had flashbacks over the smallest things, yelled at him, cried for no reason several times, woke him up almost every morning with the sound of my morning sickness, and woke him up by screaming six times in one night. I don't think there's anything he hasn't seen." I tried to make him feel more comfortable by allowing him to know I wasn't okay either.

"What if it slips?"

I shrugged, immediately knowing what he was talking about. "It was just a dream. Doesn't mean it actually happen."

Nick nodded. That seemed to ease him more than anything. "I can take the couch."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, thanks for the talk." He said, and left the room just as Fin walked in the front door.

"You guys hungry?"

"No." We both replied in sync.

"Okay, let me know if you are. I have bread and soup."

"Thanks Fin." I said, and retreated into the guest room. I knew I would be needing as much sleep as possible between mine and Nick's nightmares if they were really as bad as he said.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

_I am lying flat on my face, my body so tired of fighting. He left us a while ago, and now I don't want to face her. I know I have to, but I can't. I want to, I want to say something, I want her to say something, but my throat is dry, and I know my voice will crack if I attempt to speak. I attempt to sit up, after Olivia begging me to talk to her, but before I get up I hear him in the room again. I go back to playing dead on the floor, but he walks right over to me. He forces me to lie on my back, and he straddles my head with a smile. "Get away from me! Get off me! Get off me!"_

* * *

**So another chapter down. Let me know how you liked it. If you don't like the court stuff, blame google.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29! Thanks to those who review! They make my day!**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I heard Nick yelling in the other room, and I rushed in there, and so did Fin. "Nick." I said before I even reached him, hoping to wake him up.

"Get off me!" I knew what Fin would be thinking, and I tried to bring Nick out of it as quickly as possible.

"Nick, you're safe now." I told him, and he froze when his eyes caught mime. "It didn't happen, it was just a dream." I hoped to spare Nick the questions from Fin with that statement.

"What did I say?" He immediately wanted to know.

"You said, 'get off me.'" I told him. "It was just a nightmare, we know it didn't happen."

"I'm fine. You can go back to bed."

"Okay." I told him. I knew how that was. He just needed to be woken up, he didn't need to talk.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I had one nightmare, Nick had two that night. I didn't know if I'd ever get a full night's sleep for as long as I lived. I had my usual morning sickness that morning, and Nick rushed in the restroom with me. Fin also got up, asked if we needed anything, and then went back to bed. I knew he had been getting very little sleep recently. "Thanks." I told Nick once my stomach had eased.

"So, this is a daily thing?"

"Most days."

"So, there's a little one really in there?"

"Yeah. I can't believe it either." I said, while rubbing circles on my belly. I then looked up at Nick. "You're gonna be a great father."

"I'm gonna try."

"So, are you going back to your place, today?"

"Yeah. You're welcome to stay there with me, I just, I can't live off Fin. I can't let him see me like this."

"I understand. I think I might take you up on that offer. I'd like to take some of the weight off Fin, because I know when this baby comes, we're gonna need Fin more than ever."

He only nodded, and I hoped he was thinking the same. He'd be crazy if he thought we'd be able to raise a baby on our own. I mean, I think last night proved it, with three nightmares between the two of us, and that's probably only because he woke me up before I could have another one. Fin was the only one who was thinking clearly 24/7, and that's what the baby would need.

When Fin woke up, we were both packing our few things. "Woah, hey. Where are you going?" He asked as he stepped into the guest bedroom.

"I'm gonna stay with Nick. He doesn't want to stay here, and I don't think he should be alone."

"You think the two of you living alone together is a good idea?"

"No, but it's what he wants. Fin, you can come over any time, and when the baby comes, I'm sure I'll be back. So, catch up on your sleep, get back to work, you know, get your life back before I take it again."

"You're not taking my life."

"Just, do something for yourself... but keep your phone on, just in case."

"Alright. Don't be afraid to call, no matter what it is." He said.

Fin offered us a ride to Nick's, and we had to accept since neither of us had our car there. I could tell Fin was very reluctant to let us stay on our own, but we were adults and we could make that decision on our own. Who knows, we might be back at his place by the end of the night. We pulled up at Nick's house, and my heart sped up. I had hardly left Fin's place since I was released from the hospital, and I didn't really want to leave, but I knew Nick couldn't be on his own. After all, we were going to be a family, or well... yeah I guess you can say a family.

Nick told me I could put my stuff in the guest room once Fin left. I sat down on the bed, and stared at the wall in front of me. _What if this didn't work? What if I failed Nick?_

Nick entered the room. "Do you want dinner, or something?"

"Um, I'll just make myself a piece of toast, if you have some."

"Yeah, Fin gave us a loaf of bread, so we're good on meals for a few days."

I laughed at his comment. It was true, though. I went into the kitchen with him, and made myself a piece of toast. I asked Nick if he wanted a piece, but he said he wasn't hungry. "You haven't ate a single bite since you got out."

He shrugged. "I just haven't been hungry."

"Feeling sick to your stomach all the time? Hoping it will go away, but it never seems to?"

"Yeah."

"I felt like that too. I still do, but I know our baby needs food, so I try to ignore it. You need to eat too."

"I will tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Yeah." He said, and my toast popped up from the toaster.

"You don't mind me staying here, do you?"

"Better you, than someone else. I mean, you've seen it all, and you're still here. I don't know, maybe it's because you're having my baby..."

"That's not why. I can guarantee Fin would be here too, even if you shared everything with him. Nick, you didn't deserve what happen to you, you didn't ask for it. There's nothing you could've done. Why should I treat you any differently, because Jack was messed up?"

"You saw it. You saw how weak I am." He looked away from me, and took a seat on the couch, and I followed him.

"Nick, look at me. You're not weak. You had enough strength to get the both of us through it, and then rescue us. Not just any one would be able to go through all you did, and come out alive. Heck, I would be dead if it weren't for you. You saved my life, even if I hated you in that moment. I'm grateful now."

He took a deep breath, trying to hold in the tears. "I couldn't let you die. I knew you had a lot more fight. Plus, I didn't know how hard it was, to be raped every day, and to have to deal with that after. Now I know why you were begging us to let you die."

"Nick, you're not..."

"No, I just... I thought about it, but it's over. I mean, I just have to forget now, and I'll be fine."

"Trying to forget isn't going to make it any better."

"Well, remembering hasn't worked out too great for me."

I nodded, knowing what he was feeling, but I also knew he had to accept it, in order to move on. "I know, but maybe you can talk to me about it. You're not gonna tell me anything I don't already know. It's worth a shot, right? Don't you want to get it together for our kid?"

"Yeah, but I don't know if I can."

"We can take it slow." I told him. "We'll go at your pace. If either of us need to stop, we can. No one can force us to do anything, anymore."

He nodded. "You're not gonna make me tell Fin and the others?"

"Not until you're ready." I told him, and he seemed to be calmed by that. I would never force him to do anything he was uncomfortable with, and I think he felt the same about me. We had been forced to do unthinkable things, and when we came out on the other side, we realized we would never want to inflict that pain of forcing anything on the other. "I think I'm just going to shower, and go to bed." I told him once I finished my toast. "I'm so tired."

"Okay, let me get some towels for you." He left to retrieve towels.

His bathroom had a full length mirror across from the sink area, and a large mirror above the sink. Nick handed me a towel, and I shut the door and turned on the water. I didn't like the set up. I had been avoiding looking at myself in the mirror on purpose. I knew there would be no avoiding it in this bathroom, and so I decided it was time. I stripped down to my tank top and underwear first. I could see the little scar on my shoulder where the bullet had hit, and I brushed a finger over it. There were linear scars on my legs from the belt. I fought the flashbacks. I wouldn't let it bring me back. There were also scars where he cut my clothes off. I wondered if any of them would fade. I took a deep breath, and nodded to myself. I shed the rest of my clothes. I finally willed my eyes to look at myself in the mirror, and the tears immediately started falling. There were bite marks, scratch marks, belt marks, cigarette burns. On my breasts, my stomach... everywhere. I couldn't move.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Shortly after she had gotten in the shower, I remembered there was no soap in there. I had used the last of it, and forgot to replace it. I grabbed a bar from the cabinet just outside of the bathroom, and knocked on the door. "Hey, Liv there isn't any soap in there. Do you mind if I come in, and I can just set it on the sink so you can grab it when I leave?" I didn't get a response, so I knocked again. "Liv!?" She still didn't respond. "I'm coming in!" I shouted, and opened the door. When I first looked inside the bathroom, I almost shut the door again, but then I realized something wasn't right. She was curled up, opposite of the full-length mirror, tears streaming down her entire body. "Hey, Liv. Are you okay?" She didn't respond, which told me she wasn't. "Don't do that to yourself." I knew she had been looking at her scars. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle looking at them either, so I was careful to keep my eyes away from the areas I knew she had scars. "Liv." I stepped between her and the mirror, hoping to break her from her thoughts.

"No. No, I don't want to. I'm not getting in there." She tried to scoot away from the shower.

She thinks I'm going to give her a bath I quickly realize. I turn off the water. "You don't have to. Liv, I won't hurt you." I see one of my old robes hanging in the bathroom. "Here." I go to retrieve it, and she's still pretty out of it, so I decide to dress her. I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to go without reliving everything, seeing her like that. "Do you want to get dressed, or should I put this on you?" I asked, giving her a chance to object. "Okay, I'm gonna put this robe on you." I told her, and I slipped it on both her arms, and she cooperated with me, slipping her arms through the sleeves. I then over lapped the sides across her chest, tying it at her waist. My eye accidentally caught sight of her chest which was covered in bite marks, scratches, burns, and scars left by the belt. I took a few steps back, and fought to stay present. I could remember when she got each of those scars, and I fought as hard as I could to keep myself from going there. The bite marks. The scratches. The rape. The belt. The failed escape. The beating.

"Nick, I'm sorry." She suddenly said.

It snapped me back to reality. "Don't be sorry."

"No, I knew I couldn't handle it. I should've just waited."

"For what? The sooner, the faster you'll heal, right?" I said, trying to repeat her words back to her.

"I guess." She said, and stood up. "I'm gonna shower now." I took that as my key to leave the room.

I shut the door behind me, and ran a hand over my face, pausing at my mouth. How were we ever going to make this work? Neither one of us were in any shape to take care of ourselves, let alone each other, and especially not a baby. We couldn't make it one day without a flashback. The way I was able to get caught up in her flashback, scared me more than anything. We wouldn't be able to comfort each other, and bring each other out of it, we would just end up playing off each other. If that continued, our baby would be in great danger. I just wanted everything to get back to normal. I wished with everything I had, that it would all be okay soon enough.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I sent Olivia a text, asking how things were going. I knew it had only been a few hours, but I was still worried. Olivia wasn't in any shape to be taking care of him, and that's what she agreed to when she offered to stay with him. I could tell Nick was taking it so much harder than Olivia, and it showed with his nightmares and constant flashbacks. It made sense. I mean, Nick had been locked in a cell, not exactly the perfect environment for healing. He still had a long way to go. So did Olivia, and although Olivia was beginning to accept what happen and starting to learn how to cope, she was far from healed. She was in better shape than Nick, which meant she was going to start putting herself second, and put Nick first. I got ready for bed, hoping to get a full night's rest, but leaving my phone volume all the way up, just in case. As soon as I did that, I got a reply from Olivia.

_Everything's great. Just heading to bed now. Don't worry about us, I'll call you if we need anything._ The text read. It allowed me to take a breath, and sleep through the night for the first time in a very long time.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

The next day was _okay_. Nick ate something, which was progress. Fin was over for a lot of the day, making sure everything was fine, and it was. We practically had to kick him out, in order to get him to leave. We assured him a thousand times we were fine, and promised him we would call if we needed him for anything at all. We made it through the day without flashbacks, and I thought this might actually work out. Then, the night came. We were doing okay, watching TV, then we turned it off to go to bed, and we heard a loud thud coming from his backyard. We both jumped a mile. "Nick." Was all I could think to say. He jumped up, and grabbed a bat, and I took a knife from the kitchen.

He walked to the back door, and turned to me. "No, go hide somewhere safe. You're not getting hurt again."

"I'm staying with you." I told him, even though I wanted nothing more than to go hide somewhere safe. I was scared out of my mind, but I couldn't let him go alone. I kept a hand on his shoulder to let him know where I was, and we inched our way closer to the noise. My hand was hurting from the tight grip I had on the knife in my hand. There was another noise, something falling. We both jumped, and held our weapons in ready position. I could feel him shaking, and I knew I was shaking more than he was, but we were committed now, there was no going back. We made it to the corner, and stopped. We didn't want to look around it, scared of what we might find. Finally we took a step, and peeked around the corner to see what we were up against.

It froze as we made eye contact, then scurried over the fence. A cat. We both relaxed for a bit, but we didn't let our guard down. We made our way back to the house, still shaken up. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Once I calm down I will be." He just nodded. "I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight."

"Why don't you stay in my room?"

"No, this is your house and-"

"No, I mean, like, together. I think we're really going to need each other tonight." It was his way of telling me he needed me, and I needed him just as much. I couldn't say no.

"Yeah, thank you."

We started off with a gap between us, not wanting to get in each other's personal space. Then, I realized, we were way past that, and I needed him. I scooted over, and laid my head on his chest, and he wrapped his arm around me. I felt so much better. "Goodnight." I said.

"Goodnight." He said, rubbing a couple circles on my back, before falling asleep. I felt safe.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

_I am sitting with Olivia in my living room. We hear a noise, and we both jump up, but he's already standing in my living room. I jump in front of her, but she won't let me take the bullet for her. He punches me, and I fall to the ground. He takes her across the room, and I can hear her screams. I try running there, but I can only move in slow motion. "No, don't hurt her! Hurt me!" He stands up, and I try to run, but he catches me, and throws me to the floor. _

"_You asked for it." He states. _

"No! Stop! I swear, I'll bite it of if you put it anywhere near my mouth. Get off me!"

"Nick." I heard Olivia's voice, and I opened my eyes. She was standing on the other side of the bed, as I sat in the middle, sweating, shaking.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You wanna talk?"

"No, you can get back in, if you want." She did, but we didn't get as close as we were before.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

The next morning I was spared the morning sickness. So, I made us both a piece of toast. I really wanted him to talk to me today, and hopefully start to take steps in the right direction. We sat down on the couch after eating our toast, and I just hoped that maybe he wouldn't shut down on me.

"So, you wanna talk about last night?"

"What is there to talk about? It was just a nightmare, it didn't actually happen."

"No, but something did happen."

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Neither do I, but I think we need to. Please, you don't have to tell me the whole story, just as far as you can get."

"Where should I start?"

"When he told me not to look away."

Nick nodded. He looked away from me. "He um, he had me pinned down, handcuffed me, and he raped me."

"Can you be a little less vague? Like, try to tell it as if you had to testify, or were reporting."

"I don't know if I can."

"You can stop whenever you need."

"Um... He pinned me on the floor, and told me not to bite him." He drew in a shaky breath. "I did. He um, he punched me, and kicked me. Then he handcuffed my hands." The tears started. "He, um, he..." He hung his head in his hands, and I scooted closer to him, in order to rub circles on his back.

"It's okay, Nick. You can say it. Just, take your time." He kept his head buried, and I allowed him to take the time he needed to.

"He pushed me down on my stomach." He wiped the tears, and sniffled. "And he raped me." He froze, looking off somewhere into the distance.

"Nick?" He didn't respond, but the tears fell from his eyes, and he didn't even try to hide them. That's how I knew he wasn't with me anymore. It was replaying again in his mind. "Nick." I tried again, placing my hand on his shoulder. He jumped, and looked at me startled.

"I don't- I don't know what came next, I'm sorry." He lied.

"I think we're done for now. You did great. I'm so proud of you."

He finally became himself again because, he wiped the tears, and stood up. He walked into the bathroom, and closed the door. I looked at my phone, which had been going off, but I couldn't check it while Nick was talking. I had about 5 messages from Fin, all asking if we were okay, and if he could bring us anything, and asking again if we were okay, and finally saying he was coming over. I realized the first text was from an hour ago, and I felt bad, but Nick was really my priority right now, and I knew Fin would understand that. I knocked on the bathroom door. "Fin's on his way! I just wanted to give you the heads up!" I didn't hear any movement behind the door. "Nick?"

"Okay. Just... I need a minute." The pain in his voice was evident, and I felt horrible for causing it. I kept telling myself I was doing the right thing, by getting him to talk, but I couldn't. It didn't feel right when I saw the pain it caused him.

Fin knocked on the door, and I answered it. "Are you guys okay? I've been trying to get a hold of you."

"I know, I just saw them. We were talking." He knew what I meant, and only nodded.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Good. Only one nightmare between the two of us. No morning sickness."

"Good. I'm glad this is working out for you." He followed my lead, and took a seat on the couch. "So, Amanda said she was going to try to come over after work, bring you guys something to eat."

"Tell her not to bring too much. Neither one of us have had much of an appetite."

"Where is Nick?"

"He's in the bathroom."

"How's he doing? I know he was taking this really hard."

I nodded. "Okay. He just hasn't been given a chance to heal, you know?" He nodded. "I'm gonna go check on him, he's been in there a while." I said, leaving for the bathroom, and lightly tapped on the door. "Nick, are you alright?" He didn't respond. "Nick, please, answer me." Still no response. "Please don't make me get Fin. I know you don't want him involved. Either talk to me, or open the door." The door cracked open, and Nick sat on the edge for the bathtub, with his head down, and his hands on top of his head. "I'm sorry."

"I can't Liv. I'm not as strong as you." He said, but it was so shaky and quiet, I almost didn't recognize it as his voice.

"You can't what?"

"Talk about it, deal with it. I don't want to face them."

"You don't have to tell them. I won't make you talk about it anymore, not until you say you're ready."

He nodded. "Can you just give me a minute? I don't want him to see me like this."

"Okay." I gave him a pat on the shoulder. "But, just know, he wouldn't see you any differently, if he did see you like this."

He nodded, but I don't think he really believed what I was saying. "If you're not out in a minute, I'm breaking the door down. Okay?" He nodded again, and I left him alone.

A minute later, Nick joined us in the living room, and I could tell it was only because I asked him to.

"Hey, Nick." Fin said.

"Hey." Nick said, but didn't make eye contact with Fin.

There was a knock at the door, and Fin jumped up to get it, and let Amanda in.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"Hey!" She said, bringing fast food, and alcohol. I raised an eyebrow at the choice of drinks.

"You think that's a good idea, with the three of you?"

"We're adults." She said, and I passed on the drinks, as hard as it was. Nick and Amanda both went for a beer, and as he started drinking, he also started eating so, I wasn't too fast to object.

This was not a good idea. Nick hadn't eaten in days, plus he had a lot to deal with, and Amanda... I didn't want to get another call about her. After she finished her first beer, she reached for a second one, and I stopped her. "Remember, you have work tomorrow."

"I know, it's my last one."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Who was he to be counting my drinks? The truth was, I couldn't stand being with them. I could feel the pain radiating from them, and I couldn't stand it! They were supposed to be strong, they were supposed to be the best detectives in New York! I immediately regretted coming the second I walked in the door, and suddenly, I had what I thought was a genius plan. I set an alarm on my phone for one minute ahead of time. It went off, and I pretended to answer my phone. "Rollins." I paused for what I thought would be the right amount of time. "Okay. What about Carisi? Couldn't you call him?" I paused for a couple seconds. "Okay, I'll be right there." I pretended to hang up, and relay the message to everyone. "That was Murphy, they need me back at the station."

"Okay, let me give you a ride." Fin suggested.

"No, I'm fine. Really, I'm good." I said, practically running to my car.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"Nick, last one, right?" I asked, as he grabbed his second. He shrugged. He had not made eye contact with me since he was released. "You alright?" I asked. He nodded, but still avoided my eyes. "Hey, Nick. Can you look at me?" He brought his eyes so they were almost reaching mine, and I moved to make eye contact with him. "You alright?"

"Yeah." He said, and I knew he was trying so hard to hide everything he was feeling, but it was like I could see it anyways.

"It's okay if you're not. You know that?"

"I know." He said, and walked back to his room.

"You know what's going on?" I turned to Olivia as soon as he left.

"Yeah." She answered. "He's still upset because of our talk. I think I pushed him too much."

"He'll come around." I said, and my phone started ringing. "Hello?"

"Detective Tutuola."

"Yes?"

"This is Officer Mitchell."

"Hey, what's going on?"

"I have your friend here, Detective Rollins. She blew a .09. I'll spare your partner, and your department the embarrassment if you deal with her."

"Yeah, of course. I'll be right there. I'm so sorry about this."

"She's lucky we're friends." Mitchell said. I hung up the phone, and told Olivia what was going on, and she ensured me she would be okay on her own.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

As soon as Fin was gone I rushed back to Nick's bedroom to tell him Fin had left. He was laying in his bed, and I went over and sat next to him. "Fin left. I guess Amanda got pulled over." He wouldn't face me, or respond to what I was saying. "Nick, it's okay to have feelings. You don't have to be strong all the time." I was scared of the silent treatment he was giving me. "I'm sorry I pushed you earlier. I won't do it again."

He rolled over to face me with his red and puffy eyes. "It's nothing you did."

"What is it, then?"

He sat up so he was eye level with me then he leaned forward, and kissed me. My immediate reaction was to push him away, but I caught myself before I did, knowing it would only set both of us off. His lips abruptly detached from mine, and he looked down. "I'm not gay." He said, and I realized he was trying to prove it by kissing me.

"I never thought it for a minute." It was the truth. I had no idea he was even struggling with that.

"I'm sorry. You need to get out of here. I didn't mean to do that, but I did. I know you didn't want me to. I don't know what else I'm capable of."

He hung his head, but I lifted it. I kissed him this time. "Now we're even."

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"I'm sorry. I didn't think I had that much." She stated as she stood from the curb.

Officer Mitchell gave me a pat on the shoulder as he left. "I'll trust you to get her home safely."

"Thanks." I told him, then walked over to Amanda. "Did you call Murphy, and let him know you wouldn't be going into work?"

"Yeah, that was made up."

"I know."

She shook her head. "I can't stand watching them. They're trying so hard just to be socially acceptable, and yet we know it's all an act. We can still see the weight they're carrying. It breaks my heart, and I can't stand it."

"What's going on, with you?" I placed my hand on her shoulder.

"I- I don't know what you mean, nothing's going on."

I wanted to believe her, but I could tell she was struggling. I didn't know if it was because of them, or something she was hiding. "They'll be alright. They just need our support."

She nodded. "Can you take me home now?"

"Yeah."

* * *

**OoooOOOoooooO Amanda... What have you gotten yourself into?**


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30! Thanks for hanging in here this long! Still a lot more to come!**

* * *

**Approximately one month later...**

**Olivia's POV**

The morning sickness had become a nonfactor as I entered my second trimester. I was glad because the last month had not been easy on anyone. Fin found out Amanda had been skipping meetings, and that raised the question of whether or not she was gambling again. He said he had to tell Murphy, and Amanda begged him not to. I'm not sure if he ever told him, he got off the phone with her, and I hadn't seen him since. He went back to work, but not working as many hours as he normally would.

Nick, I've been getting him to tell me literally one sentence at a time. Small steps. He was getting there. He still wouldn't talk about what happen in the prison, but I knew he had to tell that story completely on his own terms. We slept in his bed together every night. Not like _slept _together, but like, lying on separate sides of the bed, and occasionally cuddling if we were in the right mood sleeping together. A lot changed after the kiss. We both had to come to terms with the fact that we had some sort of feeling for each other, but we had to figure out what exactly those feelings were, and what it meant. Right now we were keeping it safe at really, really good friends. We didn't know if we could handle much more, but we decided we would take it slow. We had talked a lot about it. I mean, neither one of us had to go to work, and we were living together. We did a lot of talking.

As for me... I've been okay. I got out of that sling, and I was given some exercises to do since I told the doctor I would not be going to physical therapy. I just felt like it would be too obvious, and everyone would ask me how I got hurt. What would I tell them? 'Oh, you know, I was kidnapped, and tried to jump out of the trunk of the car to safety, then I was shot a week later when we finally escaped.' Yeah, what a real conversation starter. I knew I'd eventually get better. Honestly, I have been more concerned about Nick. I'm not trying to say I'm completely over it, I still have a nightmare or two on bad nights, but they have decreased since I've been sleeping in Nick's bed. Nick usually averaged about two a night. What concerned me most was, he would wake up saying things like, "I'll bite it if you put it near my mouth" or "get off me" and one time it was "get off her." I froze when I heard that one, my face turned red and I didn't want to know what he was seeing. It hurt me to realize it was getting to him as much as it was. I would sometimes try to talk about it with him in the morning, but he never wanted to. I didn't push it.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I knew I was screwed when Fin found out I hadn't been going to meetings. It was only a matter of time before he found out where I went on the weekends, but I was too much in the hole to walk away now. I just had to have one winning streak, and then I would be done, for good. Murphy called me into his office, and I was just hoping Fin hadn't told him. He asked me to shut the door, and I followed his orders, and sat across the desk from him. I was hoping he wouldn't be too harsh. I couldn't look him in the eye. I could tell he knew.

"Rollins. You close up that Adams girl case?"

_Was this just the intro, or was this really work related?_ "Yeah. We got a confession from the perp."

"Good. How've you been?"

"Fin told you?"

"Yeah, he did. But I'm not asking as your boss. I'm asking as your friend right now."

_Say you're embarrassed because of that time you were drunk and... no he doesn't know about that. How about that time... no. What do I say!?_

"Have you gambled?"

"No." I didn't even think about it. "Just because I've been drinking and not going to meetings, doesn't mean I'm gambling."

"That's a toxic combination you're dealing with there. Be careful."

_He knows. Why does he need to torture me? Why can't he just say he knows?_ "I will. Is that all?" I asked, dying to get out of that office.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I was just sitting on the couch, and Nick came and sat next to me. "Liv. I don't want to just be really good friends anymore. I think we can do better. Our baby deserves better. It may work, and it may not, but I don't think anyone will ever understand us as much as we understand each other, and I'm willing to give it a shot if you are. Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes." I answered. We both smiled, and he moved closer to me.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes." I said. Then, he kissed me. It meant so much that he asked for permission for something as simple as a kiss. I knew it would be quite some time before we would be able to make it any further than a kiss so I enjoyed every kiss we shared.

I cuddled against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

It was Friday after work. I contemplated going to a meeting, or going to gamble. Ultimately, gambling won like always. I lost. Big time. Again. I was in trouble. I couldn't get away with it much longer. I was certain Fin knew where I was, and it was only a matter of time before everyone found out, or I got into trouble with the amount my debt was amounting to. Maybe I should have gone to a meeting, but meetings won't help me pay off my debt. I needed to win, and I needed to win big.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

The next day Nick and I were doing okay. We would give each other an occasional kiss, just because we could now. We were official. Nick was watching me as I did my exercises for my shoulder and then...

Bang. Bang. Bang.

We were on the floor in a second. I grabbed my phone, and called Fin as fast as I could as we made our way to the back of the house. "Fin!"

"_Are you guys okay?_"

"Fin you need to get over here!"

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

"_What's going on?_"

"I don't know, just come." I was in tears by then, and I hung up the phone. I saw Nick shaking next to me, and the tears starting in his eyes. "Nick, Nick, we're okay."

Bang. Bang.

_The bullet hits my arm, and I grasp it in pain. _

Bang.

"Nick!"

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"Liv, we're safe." And we were for only a minute, and then we both fell victim to our thoughts.

Bang. Bang.

_I can see Nick shooting Jack over and over._

Bang.

_And over._

"Olivia. Nick. It's Fin. You're safe. Guys." I recognized him.

Bang. Bang.

_He shot Jack again. _

"Olivia." I looked at him. "Remember those breathing exercises?" I nodded. "Can you try doing them right now?" I nodded again, and he turned his attention to Nick. He laid a hand on Nick's shoulder which was a huge mistake.

Bang. Bang.

"Get off me! Get away from me!" He jumped at Fin. "Don't touch me!"

"Nick. Listen to me. Jack's not here. There was car chase that eventually lead to a shootout a couple blocks down. I heard it on the scanner. You're safe."

Nick looked at me, then looked at Fin. I could tell he had realized what he said by his crumbling facial expression. Plus, the tears didn't do anything to make the situation less humiliating for him. He got up, and locked himself in his bathroom.

"I'm sorry." The apology was half on my behalf, and half on Nick's. I knew Fin was doing his best to help, and was doing the best he could, considering he didn't know the entire story. "I'll see if I can talk to him." I knocked on the door. "Nick."

"Please leave me alone." His voice cracked as he said it.

"Will you let me in?"

"I need some time right now."

I let him be, and Fin and I returned to the living room. "Are you okay?" He asked me.

"Can you stay? I just want to make sure it's completely over, and I miss you being there for me all the time." It was a confession of weakness, but it was the truth. Nick was there for me, but he wasn't always strong for me. We couldn't help each other when the shots went off, Fin had to bring us out. We needed him, no matter how much Nick denied it. Just for tonight.

"Of course I'll stay."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I was closing the debt gap, but then I started losing again. I knew the trouble I was in, but I just kept thinking it would turn around. I could see the owner coming straight for me, and I pretended not to notice. "Amanda." He sat down next to me. "You're racking quite the expense."

"I know, I swear, I'll pay every bit of it back."

"Maybe I can help you with that."

I looked at him, interested. "What do I have to do?"

"Let's discuss this outside." He said, and I followed him to that same alley I had paid my debts to some other guy before. I knew he didn't bring me here just to talk.

"What do you want?"

"On your knees." He said, and I followed his orders. I had remembered thinking he wasn't good looking, but the drinks I had were telling me he was the man of my dreams, and so I gave it to him. He pulled me to my feet, and undid my pants as we kissed. I don't know if it was on purpose or not, but he slammed my head into the wall, and everything started spinning.

"Stop." I needed a break.

He responded with a hard kiss. "Stop!" I repeated. He grabbed my breasts, and pushed me against the wall even harder. "I don't want to. I changed my mind."

"You are in debt to me." He said with a slap across the face. "You don't tell me when to stop."

I kicked him, a couple times, and he fell on the floor. I didn't know where to go. I couldn't drive. I was too drunk, and in a state of shock. I ran back inside, and went straight for the restrooms. I went as far back in the last stall as I could. He was going to come in, I knew it. I pulled out my phone. "Fin. Fin, I need you. I screwed up. I'm sorry." I sobbed into the phone.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"Where are you? I'll be right there." I told Amanda. Olivia looked at me with a look of disappointment.

"Can you come back?" She asked.

"Yeah. I'll come right back. You'll be okay?"

"I think so."

I had to leave. I could tell Amanda was in trouble.

...

I arrived at the location Amanda said she was at, and I could tell the trouble she was in. I walked into the place, immediately met by a strong scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol. I saw the gambling tables, and the bar, but she wasn't there. She told me she was in the restrooms. I headed there, and waited until the coast was clear to enter the ladies room. It was quiet in there, but as I went in further in, I could hear the faint sounds of her sobs. "Amanda." I said, walking toward the sound. I opened the door to the last stall, and I saw her curled up in the corner, and the tears streaming down her face. "It's okay, come here." I told her, and she fell into my arms.

"I'm sorry."

"What happen?" I asked her.

"Can we get out of here, please?" She asked, and I walked with her out. As we were heading out, I felt her grip on my arm tighten as this older rich-looking guy came up to us.

"You bitch! I expect you to have the cash here, paid in full by tomorrow morning. Or you will pay it off, my way."

"Hey. You'll get it when you get it." I said and I saw the look on his face, and quickly walked out with her.

We got in the car, and I asked her again what had happened when I started driving.

"I owe them a lot of money. I mean, _a lot_. The owner, you met him, he said he could make it go away. I went with him into the alley. I knew what he wanted, and I gave it to him. Then, he slammed my head against the wall." I could hear the tears in her voice, and she paused for a long time.

"Amanda. Did he rape you?" I asked softly, trying to spare her the words.

"He told me I was in debt to him, and I couldn't tell him to stop. I kicked him, and I ran. He came so close to- I thought he was going to."

"I'm glad you called me."

"Wait where are we going?"

"Nick's house. I'm not leaving you alone, and I'm staying there tonight. You may want to talk to Olivia about what happen tonight. I'm sure she would understand even more than I can."

"I don't know."

"Okay, well, you can always talk to me."

We got out of the car, and Olivia opened the door for us. As soon as we entered, Olivia asked, "You okay Amanda?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine. Is there like a place where I can sleep, or something, because if not I can just go to my apartment."

"Yeah, you can use the spare bedroom."

"Weren't you sleeping there?"

"I've been sleeping in the master bedroom. It helps with the nightmares."

Amanda nodded, and went in the guest room, and shut the door. I looked over at Olivia. "You didn't tell me you guys were sleeping in the same bed."

"Helps with the nightmares. _We've_ slept in the same bed before. Fourth of July? It helped with the nightmares... all it is."

"Yeah, but we weren't kidnapped together. I don't have a problem with it, I just want to make sure you're not making this harder on yourself, to help him."

"I'm not. I've been having decent nights."

"Speaking of Nick, is he still in the bathroom?"

"No, he went in his room when you left. We talked a bit, he'll be alright."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Fin got a call from Murphy, and he stepped outside to take it. Nick walked in the kitchen, and I think he was surprised when Amanda walked in after him. "Hey guys." She said, walking and taking a seat at the bar.

"Hey, Amanda, how are you doing?" I asked.

"Can I talk to you guys?"

"Of course." I said, and took a seat next to Amanda, while Nick stood across the counter from her.

"Um, okay. So, I was... raped." I placed my hand on her back, seeing how hard this was for her to admit. "Not tonight. In Atlanta. The Deputy Chief there..." Her voice trailed off, and I gave her a moment to collect herself. "I've never told anyone."

"I'm so sorry." I told her, and I looked over at Nick when she did. I didn't know how he was going to take this. He had his elbow rested on the counter, and he hung his head. "Nick." I didn't want to say his name, when I felt like I should have been comforting Amanda, after her big confession. But, I didn't know where his mind was, if it had gone _there_.

He brought his head up, and showed his red and puffy eyes to us. "So was I." He confessed. I was shocked he told her, but proud of him. "Olivia's the only one who knows." Amanda looked over at me, shocked. I gave her a nod, and she shook her head, looking down.

"I'm sorry, Nick." She said, and looked over at him.

He shook his head, and pushed himself away from the counter. "You can't tell anyone."

"Okay. Can you do the same for me?"

Nick nodded, and held his head back, trying to keep the tears from falling, and wiped them as they fell. He then went back into his room. I felt terrible for not following him in there, but I knew Amanda was ready to talk about it, and Nick would most likely say he was fine. I turned to Amanda, who looked at me in disbelief. "What was that?"

"He's been dealing with a lot. Don't take it to mean anything." I paused for a couple seconds. "Did you want to talk about what happen in Atlanta?"

"There's not much to say. My sister was in trouble, Patton offered to help... I went willingly, but when he got rough... I said no. I didn't think it was really a big deal, then when I was at the club. When he banged my head into the wall... I saw Patton, it wasn't the owner anymore. I just, I can't get that out of my head."

"Is he still working for Atlanta PD?"

She nodded. "He's a hero." She said, and then Fin walked into the house. "I'll be fine. He didn't actually rape me." Amanda said, and left. She obviously didn't want Fin to know. I had no idea what Nick and Amanda both had against Fin knowing. He was the best. He treated me so well whenever I was around him.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Fin was back. I don't know why Olivia wanted him here so bad, but I knew he could help her more than I, so I didn't want to say he was unwelcome.

I hid my face in the pillow, and I just laid there. I didn't cry. I just laid there. I couldn't believe it. She was raped too? I couldn't believe it. Why her? What did she do? Nothing. The answer was nothing. She didn't deserve it.

I heard someone walking down the hallway, and I pretended to be asleep. "Nick, are you awake?" I heard Olivia whisper, and I opened my eyes just enough to see Fin wasn't with her, and I decided to open my eyes all the way. "Do you mind if I join you in here?"

"No, not at all. You are my girlfriend now."

She smiled, and turned off the light. We still kept a little light on at night, hoping it would help with the nightmares. It definitely helped when we woke up, and were able to easily identify it as a nightmare, and know we were the only two in the room. She cuddled up next to me, and I held her close. "Why don't you like Fin being here?" She asked.

I didn't want to answer so I pretended to be asleep. It was my only defense. She bought it, and fell asleep shortly after.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Why did I do that!? Why did I tell him!? Maybe I could say it was the alcohol talking, or I was tired, and delirious. I didn't know what to do. Each of them had promised me a thousand times, Nick hadn't been assaulted at all, and he was only there to watch. I thought the thing with Olivia and him was the extent of it, but apparently not. It made me wonder what else they were hiding. That was already two things they had both conveniently left out of their statement.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

Last night was rough on the entire house. Olivia had two nightmares that night, and Nick also had two, and Amanda had one. I probably would have had one too, if I even got a second of sleep! Olivia had told me before bed, not to get up if Nick had a nightmare, that she would be able to help him on her own. It didn't keep me from waking up, unfortunately. Waking up to someone screaming, and then trying to fall asleep right after, isn't the easiest thing to do. Amanda probably had it the toughest last night, although she only had one nightmare. I heard someone walking in the hallway, and so I got up to investigate. I found Amanda kneeling over the toilet bowl, crying and shaking. Olivia came in after I did, and asked if everything was alright, and I told her I got it, and she could go back to bed. I held Amanda's hair until she was done, and then I helped her clean up. "You alright?"

"Yeah. Alcohol and nightmares are not a good mixture. Usually, I don't have anyone to hold my hair."

"This is a regular thing?"

"Not all the time, I was just saying in the past... when I... yeah. Sorry, I'm just really tired." She said, and went back into the guest room while I returned to the couch. I didn't even get to close my eyes, less than an hour later Nick was screaming from a nightmare, and I respectfully stayed where I was. It was hard to do, but I wanted to respect him, and what he wanted at the same time.

In the morning, I was woken up by Olivia fiddling around in the kitchen. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's all good." I said. "How are you doing? You do alright last night, considering?"

"I guess, I mean... I- I don't really know anymore. How's Amanda doing?"

"She's taking it rough."

* * *

**Nick's POV**

After Olivia got up, I went to check on Amanda, see if we could talk more about our talk last night. I sort of ran out when she was trying to tell me something. "Hey." I said when I entered the guest room.

"Oh, hey Nick. How are you doing?"

"A little better, since I talked to you."

"Good. You know, you didn't have to lie to me. I would've supported you."

"Neither did you."

"Yeah, about that. I was drunk. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, and I exaggerated."

"Amanda." I knew she was lying.

"Nothing happen. Okay?"

"You told me, you were raped by the Deputy Chief. I can understand you thinking no one will believe you, but I do. You may not want to accept it, because then it means it's real, but it happen, that's the truth."

"No." She shook her head, and the tears started.

"Look me straight in the eye, and tell me the Deputy Chief raped you without crying, and then I'll believe nothing happen."

She sat in silence. After a while, she wiped the tears, and looked me in the eye. She bit her lip, and then broke down crying. "I'm sorry." She whispered as she fell in my arms. I tried to comfort her, but she soon sat up, and wiped the tears. "No one can know."

"When we're ready... we should tell everyone together. Take some of the heat off each other, you know?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Good thinking."

So, we made the deal. We were both going to wait until we were both ready, and do it together. After that, I decided to join Olivia and Fin in the kitchen. "Hey, how's it going, Nick?" Fin asked.

"It's alright."

Olivia gave me a smile, and I gave one back. "So, you want some breakfast?" She asked.

"If you're cooking, I do."

"Can you ask Amanda if she wants any?"

"I'll ask." I said, and went back in the room. "Liv wants to know if you want breakfast."

"I'm not hungry." She said, and I reported the news back to Olivia.

...

Fin and Amanda left later that day, each returning to their respective homes. Once they left Olivia asked me, "Why did you tell Amanda?"

"I didn't mean to it just..."

"You don't have anything to be ashamed of." She told me.

_What could I possibly have to be ashamed of? Oh, maybe it could be the fact that I was raped... Had she completely forgotten? _I thought. I looked at her, and she looked away from me. _I felt the hand across my face. Strong, hard. I felt him in me. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I couldn't escape him, and I just wanted to die. It was painful, and I could feel the sharp pain, that told me he was tearing me. There was liquid. I didn't know if it was my blood or... "Oh, god. I've never came in a man before!" I was flipped to my back, and the handcuffs were digging into my back. He grabbed me. It was still tender from his kick. I wanted to die. That's all I thought about. If only I was dead... Maybe he'll kill me after... I kept thinking. NO! My body was liking what he was doing. It couldn't be. I'm not gay, or am I? No. I thought again, and I couldn't keep it in, the liquid poured from me. I glanced at Olivia who was frozen with tears in her eyes, staring at my face, not looking down there, and I was hoping she couldn't see because it was humiliating enough as it was. I felt Jack's mouth. His teeth. I screamed. It was the worst pain I had ever felt._

"Nick. Nick!"

* * *

**A review would be nice. Please appreciate the fact that I have doubled the length of the chapters, which means it takes me twice as long to write, but the updating speed so far hasn't been affected.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31!**

* * *

**Nick's POV**

"Nick. Nick!" I saw Olivia's frightened stare, and I froze. "Nick." She said once again, placing a hand on my shoulder. I jumped. "Sorry." She apologized.

"Don't be." I said, and looked down. "I'm gonna go to my room. You can join me if you want." I said, leaving her alone.

**24 hours later...**

"Are you going with me to the doctors?" She barged into my room.

"Yeah. I thought it wasn't for another hour?"

"I know, but I just wanted to make sure." She said, and took a seat next to me. "I think I'm starting to notice a little bump, are you?"

"Well, I know it's not because you're eating too much." I said with a laugh, and she laughed along with me.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I was back in the doctor's waiting room. Fin had dropped Nick and I off, as he went to park the car. After I signed in, we took the seat in the corner, so no one would bother us. I looked around again, all the happy mothers. I held Nick's hand, and gave him a smile, trying to fit in with everyone around me. At least my arm wasn't still in a sling, and the scar on my face was fading, and I had the father of my baby there this time. It was a start.

A nice looking couple sat down across from us, and I tried to avoid eye contact, and hoped she wouldn't try to talk or try to figure out what was going on with me. "So, how far along are you?" She asked me.

"14 weeks." I said with a smile.

"Is this your first?"

"Yeah."

"Aw. This is my fourth. We just can't get enough of each other. Right honey?" She said, giving him a kiss. "Jack is the best."

I could feel my face turn red, and my fake smile quickly disappear. My heart started racing, and I felt as if I would suffocate. I looked over at Nick. He wore the same expression as I, on his face.

"What is it?" She asked. "Do we need to get a doctor?"

Fin came in the doors just then, and walked over to us, and he could see something was wrong. "Liv. Liv, what is it?"

"Jack, honey, I think you'd better go get a doctor."

Fin turned around. "No, actually, just go on the other side of the room, they'll be fine." He knew what triggered us. He turned our attention to us when they left, but they never stopped staring even from across the room. "Liv, he's not here."

"I know." I whispered.

"You okay, then?"

I nodded, and stood. "I just need to use the restroom."

...

We were brought back to the room where the nurse took my vitals, and told me my pulse and blood pressure were running a little higher than they would hope. "There was an incident in the waiting room."

"What sort of incident? Is there something we should've done?"

"No." Was all I said. The nurse told me I could take a seat, and left the room.

"Are you going to find out?" Fin asked.

I nodded. "I wanna know." Nick took my hand, and the doctor walked in.

"Hi, Olivia. I just have a few questions before we get started, alright?" I nodded. "Have you been feeling nauseated?"

"Well, yeah. All the time. The past three months."

"Has it increased at all recently?"

"No."

"Okay. Are you feeling the baby move yet?"

"No."

"Have you been leaking fluid, or had any vaginal spotting or bleeding?"

"No. I mean, one of my stitches... but it wasn't a lot of blood or anything. I didn't even go to the doctor... And sometimes when I use the restroom, but the ER doctor said it was normal."

"Okay. Have you felt any contractions?"

"No." I answered.

"Alright, now if you'll roll your shirt up, and here's some towels if you want them."

I took a deep breath, and let go of Nick's hand as I grabbed the bottom of my shirt. I knew the scars that lied beneath it, and I had purposefully worn long sleeved shirts and long pants to keep all of my scars hidden from everyone. I didn't know if Nick or I would be able to handle it, and Fin, I tried to protect him from having to see any more than he had to. I slowly rolled it up, with shaky hands, and I looked over at Nick who was staring at his lap, and then at Fin who was looking at my stomach.

"Okay..." The doctor saw my stomach, and was frozen for a second. "Are they tender?"

"Not really." I answered, and she felt around on my abdomen for a while. Fin took my hand, and Nick remained frozen.

"Nick." I was worried about him.

"Yeah?"

"You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah. You holding up okay?"

"Yeah." I said, as the doctor got everything ready for the sonogram.

The cold gel made me jump a little. The doctor stared at the screen, and I held my breath, hoping everything would be alright with the baby.

"The baby looks nice and healthy. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?"

"Yeah." I whispered. The volume on the machine was turned up so the sign of life was echoing throughout the room. I smiled, looking over at Nick. He returned the gesture.

"Would you like to know the gender?"

"Yes!" I quickly answered.

The doctor turned to the screen, and was showing us where the head, and arms and feet were, "and you see that between the legs?" She asked us.

"No." I answered.

"Exactly. It's a girl! Congratulations!"

A smile spread across my face in the moment, as Fin and the doctor congratulated me.

"Which one of you is the father?"

"I am." Nick said.

"Congratulations!" She said, and shook his hand. I couldn't help but to think it was a very bold question, being that it said in my file I had been raped, just three months ago.

"Would you like a picture of your baby?"

"Yes." I said with a smile.

"How many copies would you like me to print for you?"

"Um, three?" I said. One for each person in the room, really the only people I talked to anymore. She handed me the pictures, and I gave Nick and Fin each one. The doctor took a towel soaked in alcohol, and wiped my stomach of the gel. I jumped at the contact, and I knew better to look down, so I kept my eyes trained on the little one growing inside me. But, when I pulled my shirt back down, I caught a glimpse of the scars.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

As soon as we returned, I told Fin he didn't need to stay, and I promised him I'd call if needed. Olivia had been completely silent, the entire drive home, just staring at the picture. She sat in the guest room when we got home, and I followed her in once Fin left.

"Are you okay?" I asked. She stayed lying on her side, facing the wall. "Liv, what is it?" I asked.

"I just wanna be alone." She whispered, and I nodded, not that she could see me.

"Okay." I said, and left the room.

I showered, and watched some TV, then Fin called. "Hello?"

"Hey. You guys alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Olivia wasn't answering, I texted her a few times, and called her twice."

I walked into the guest room. "Liv, where's your phone?" I walked over to her when I didn't get a response, and her phone was sitting right in front of her. "Liv, why aren't you answering your phone?"

"Please, leave me alone." She whispered. So, I did. I told Fin we were alright, and she just wanted some time to herself, and he could text me next time he couldn't get ahold of her, before he panicked.

After we hung up, I watched some more TV for a few hours, until it was dinner time. I went in Olivia's room, and asked her if she wanted anything to eat, and then I asked her again after not getting a response.

"I'm not hungry." Was all she said. This time, she sat in the chair, looking out the window while rubbing circles on her small bump. Tears were streaming down her face. I wanted to do something for her, but she kept asking to be alone.

Finally, when it became night time I entered her room one last time. "Liv." I said, following her in, as she was returning from the bathroom. "Liv, I'm going to bed. You're welcome to join me." I said, and she got under the covers of the bed in the room, and I took it as my answer. I didn't know if I was handling it right, but I knew I had to at least give it a day before I called Fin. It wasn't like she was screaming and throwing things. I texted Fin, and told him we were heading to bed. I just hoped she'd be back to her normal self in the morning.

...

We made it through the night without any nightmares, at least none which involved screaming. It was a first for us.

I went into her room in the morning to check on her. She wasn't in her bed. I started to panic. I scanned the room, and I saw her curled up in the corner, with tears streaming down from her red and puffy eyes. She stared straight ahead, and didn't make a sound. "Liv. Liv." I tried to bring her out of it. "Liv, it's not real. Please." I said. I debated whether or not to place a hand on her. I knew she'd jump, but it would most likely bring her out of the flashback, or get her to respond. I placed my hand on her arm. "Liv." No response. I tried to find her eyes, but they were staring way past me. "Liv, please talk to me." I said, but the only response I got was a new rush of tears from her eyes. I knew something was really wrong.

I got out my phone, and called Fin. He always knew what to do. "I don't know what's going on. I need you to come."

"_I'll be there as fast as I can._" He told me.

"Liv, come on. You're safe." I told her, still hoping she'd respond to me.

I had no luck. When I heard Fin's car, I went to open the door immediately for him.

"What's going on? What happen?"

"I don't know. I went to check on her this morning... she won't talk to me, she won't move, anything."

He went into the room, and asked for a minute with her. I walked out, praying he would be able to talk to her.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

"Olivia." I tried first. "It's me, Fin." I told her. She wouldn't respond. "Liv, will you please talk to me, you're alright. You don't have to be strong for me." I pried her hand from her knee, and held it in my own. "Olivia, if you can hear me, will you please squeeze my hand?" I asked. I was going to give her to the count of three, but she squeezed it on two.

"Okay, good. You're safe Olivia. No one can hurt you." She didn't respond "What happen?" I asked. She closed her eyes. "Please, talk to me." She let out a sob, and suddenly fell into my arms. "It's okay. It's okay." I let her cry on me, for what seemed like an hour. I felt all of her weight shift onto me, almost like she had given up. Her body shook, and her sobs were loud, like I had never heard before. It was heart wrenching cries that escaped her, revealing the amount of pain she was in. I just wanted her pain and suffering to stop.

She calmed down to a sniffle, and lifted her head up from my chest. She leaned her head against the wall behind her. "What's going on?" I asked softly.

"I'm ruined." She whispered between sniffles.

"You are not. Why do you say that?"

"No one will ever want me. Look at me."

"That's not true." I told her.

She let out a sob as a new flood of tear made their way to the forefront of her eyes. "I don't want Jack, to be the last person to touch me." She fell into my arms sobbing once again.

"He won't be, Olivia." I assured her. I held her once again for what seemed like another hour. "Olivia, you'll find someone, and they'll love you, and you'll love them. It'll happen."

"What if I can't? What if he can't?" She asked.

"What are you trying to say?" She was trying to tell me something.

"Nick asked me to be his girlfriend." She whispered.

"And you said yes?"

"Well, yeah, but... we're never going to be the same. What if we can't stand the sight of each other... like that? I'm having his baby! What if we can't make it together? I want this baby to have a stable environment, and I can't give that to her."

"You're going to make a great mother. Don't ever doubt yourself."

"Thanks." She said, wiping the tears from her face.

"About the other... you should talk to Nick about that."

"I don't know…"

"I think it would really help you."

"Yeah, if you could give us some time?"

"Call me if you need me." I said as I stood from the floor, and she nodded.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I didn't want to have this talk with Nick. I didn't want to push him. I still couldn't look at my own body, I would never expect him to be able to. I had to do this. I had to get it out. Maybe if we could set a goal... like in twenty years. Nick walked in, and joined me on the floor. "You had me scared. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I was just trying so hard to keep everything together." I said, and I turned to face him. "Nick, I need to talk to you."

"Okay?"

"I don't want Jack, to be the last... person to touch me. I don't-" I burst into tears, and he took me in his arms. I wanted him to say something, to tell me we could work on it, tell me I was wrong for thinking we might not ever be able to work past it.

"It's okay, Olivia." Was that all he had? I brought my head up.

"Can we work on it? You are my boyfriend. I know we're not completely ready, but we can at least start to try."

"We can try." He said. "Maybe I'll cook you dinner tonight."

I gave him a smile. "I'd like that." I said, and he helped me up.

Nick cooked me dinner that night, and we ate it at the table, instead of the couch. He had some music playing softly in the background. It was almost like we were a real couple, and it was going to be the perfect night, and not a disaster. We both knew it wouldn't end in the way you would imagine a perfect night, but we would make it our sort of perfect. I texted Fin before dinner and let him know it was going to be an early night so he wouldn't check up on us. We were both dressed semi-formal, and we ate the soup in front of us.

"Couch or bedroom?" I asked.

"What do you think would be better?"

"Bedroom. It's not as hard, and we have blankets."

"Okay."

We had an agreement that we wouldn't talk about _it _for the evening, but we needed to establish that now, instead of destroying the mood later. "I can't believe I'm actually having a nice dinner with you! You know how long I wanted to take you to dinner?"

I laughed. "Don't tell me. From the moment you saw me, when I was pissed at you."

"Exactly."

"Don't even try! Admit it, you thought I was a bitch at first. I know I sure acted like one."

"You weren't that bad. Your hair. Whoo. ...Maybe it was your hair I fell in love with!"

"Oh my gosh. Nick, you're too cute."

"I'm not kidding." He said.

We finished our soup, and cleaned up the dishes. We both knew what was ahead, and I just hoped it would only be one of us to lose it. He wrapped his arms around me as I was washing the last dish, and I placed it on the drying rack, and turned to face Nick, kissing him. The kiss got more passionate, and we went into the bedroom. We shed all of the clothing we could, without anything actually being revealed. I slid my hands under his shirt, but not making any effort to take it off him. He was good with that. He did the same with me. We were both good. We knew what the next step was. Our shirts. "You ready?" I whispered between kisses.

"If you are." He replied, and I threw off my own shirt. He took his off. We didn't allow enough time to look at each other, we just kept kissing the whole time. His kisses were like nothing I had ever felt before. They kept me in touch with reality. The next step. Our pants. We shed those. We were good. I unsnapped my bra, and Nick grabbed my breasts. We were making it. We had one article of clothing left to go. Nick slipped his hand down my underwear, then he froze.

"Nick. Nick." I tried. "Nick, you're alright." He continued touching me. "Do you want to stop?"

"No." He said, continuing to kiss me, and laid me on my back.

The feel of the bed on my bare back, him leaning over me. It was too familiar. "Nick."

"You okay?" He paused.

"I can't lay down." I sat up, and I took off my underwear, hoping if I moved quicker, there wouldn't be as much time for flashbacks. Nick shed his too.

I caught Nick looking at our bodies. "Look at my face. Look at my face." He returned his eye to my face. "Don't look down there." I told him.

He laid down on his back, and I allowed his hands to roam my body for a while, before I did the same to him. I could feel his stomach muscles contract as I moved my hand down. I reached it. I had it in my hand as I continued to kiss him.

"Stop. Stop. Please. Stop."

I stopped immediately.

"I can't do this. I'm so sorry." He said.

"We did good." I said and I saw his eyes fall. "Nick." They froze on my naked body. "Nick, look at my face." I told him, and he didn't listen. I didn't know what to do. My first thought was to cover myself, but his hand reached out to the scar he was looking at. He placed his shaky finger on the scar, and traced over it. It was a bite mark around my nipple. He moved his finger to a linear scar on my stomach.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have any of these." He dropped his hand.

"It's not your fault. Please, don't blame yourself."

"Will they heal?"

"I don't know." I said. I got up from the bed, taking a few deep breaths as I felt my mind wanting to wonder, and I slowly retrieved a robe. I gave one to Nick too.

"I'm gonna take a shower." I told him. The truth was, I just needed some time to collect myself. How do you go from being so close to someone, and not actually finishing the job, and then still look them in the eye the minute after? I couldn't. I'd pushed him. I knew he wasn't ready, but we both did a lot better than I would have expected. I stepped into the shower, and I let the warm water hit me, and it made its way, running down my body. My scarred, broken, used body. I looked down, I saw my slightly protruding belly, and I wrapped my arms protectively around it. I slid down until I found myself curled in a ball with the water pouring on top of my head. I sobbed quietly so Nick hopefully wouldn't hear me. He didn't need to know how much it was eating away at me, and how badly I needed to prove to myself I was ready to move on. I could feel the water pouring on my head slowly turning colder, it was like a clock, telling me I was taking too long, Nick was going to worry, and I had to hurry up.

I let out a sob louder than I had hoped, and sure enough, I heard a knock at the door. "Liv, are you alright?" I tried to catch my breath before answering him. I didn't want him to hear any sort of shake in my voice. "Liv, please."

I cleared my throat. "I'm fine." I choked out, and rolled my eyes at how pitiful it sounded. I pushed myself up from the ground, and turned off the water that was making me shiver by then. I wrapped the towel around me before I stepped out of the shower. I stood in front of the full-length mirror, and I dropped the towel. I stared at myself for a while, wondering if that was actually myself I was looking at. I held my hand out, and ran a finger over my reflection. It was me, it was real. The body I was staring at moved in sync with mine, although it looked so foreign to me. I dropped my hand and wiped the tears that were running down my face. I put on the pajamas I had already sitting on the counter for me, and I joined Nick on his bed.

"I'm sorry." He apologized.

"It's not you."

"I wish I was ready."

"I would've stopped you eventually. I was trying to really push it, and I know I shouldn't, but I had to try."

"I understand. I was too. Maybe we can try again, in a couple days?"

I nodded. "Maybe we can."

We brushed our teeth, and ensured all the doors were locked before we settled in the bed. He laid on his back, and I laid my head on his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me. "Goodnight." He said

"Goodnight." We kissed, and fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

_I am sitting in a chair, my feet bound to the chair, and my hands tied behind it. He takes out cigarettes, and I jump at the sound of the box opening. Lewis smiles as he lights the first one, blowing the smoke right into my face. I cough as the smoke saturates my lungs. I cough one last time, and I feel the hot, burning end of the cigarette being engraved into my skin. I scream. Loud, desperate, hoping someone would hear me. I hear someone else screaming, and I look into the mirror, and I see Nick. He's bound the same way I am, screaming, while Jack holds the cigarette on his chest. _

I sat up quickly in the bed, trying to catch my breath, while Nick did the same. "Are you okay?" I asked, trying to catch my breath.

"Yeah. Are you?"

"I think so." I stated. We finally got comfortable, and started drifting off to sleep after about five minutes, and we heard someone banging at the door. We both jumped awake, and looked at each other. I immediately called Fin. "Someone's knocking at the door." I whispered into the phone.

"I'll be right there." He said, and without asking anymore questions, he was on his way. "Can you stay on the phone with me?" I asked after I heard the engine start.

"I'll try."

Nick grabbed the bat once again, and I grabbed the knife. I held the knife in my right hand, and the phone in the other. "NYPD! OPEN THE DOOR!" I heard one of them say.

_Was this a trick? It had to be. _I knew Nick was thinking the same as I was. He looked out to see, and then back away from the door. "They're in uniform." He whispered.

"I'm NYPD, what do you want?"

"Mr. Amaro?"

"What do you want!?" He shouted back. I was amazed at how steady his voice was.

"We just want to talk, can you open the door?"

"How do I know you're NYPD?" Nick shouted back, after I told him to stall until Fin arrived.

"If you open the door, we can show you our badges."

"What do you want to talk about? I'm listening." Nick said.

"I think we should do this with the door open. Is there anyone in there with you?"

We looked at each other, frozen, not sure of how to answer that. _Why were they asking? Did they hear me, or were they trying to find out where I was?_ "Fin, how close are you?" I whispered as quiet as I could.

"I'm turning on the street now." He said. We listened through the door, at the conversation being had outside. I recognized Fin's voice the moment he spoke. "Woah, woah. NYPD what's going on?" I set the knife on the coffee table, and Nick set down his bat. We knew we were safe now that Fin was there.

"Let's see some ID."

"Now you." He said, after he had apparently showed his. "What're you doing out here?"

"Neighbor's called. They heard screaming. We have a possible domestic violence."

"Are you kidding me?"

I rolled my eyes as I realized what was going on. I jumped at the knock at the door. "Nick, Liv, it's Fin. Can you open the door?" He asked calmly. Nick reached a hand, and unlocked the door, and opened it.

"Ma'am, are you alright?" One of the officers asked when he saw us. I ignored him.

Fin asked softly, trying to find my eyes, "Liv, are you okay?" I nodded. "Nick, are you okay?" He asked, placing a hand on Nick's shoulder, and Nick jumped at the contact. "Nick?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"Do you guys want to explain? It'd be better of it came from one of you." Nick shook his head.

I took a shaky breath. "We were kidnapped, and put through hell. We have nightmares. We would never hurt each other. We were already hurt enough."

The cops seemed to understand, and looked at Fin before leaving. "You'll keep this under control?"

"You have my word." Fin said, and the cops were off.

"Fin, thanks. You can go back home. We're going to try to get some sleep."

"I won't get any sleep at my house."

"You can stay on the couch." I knew that was what he was hinting at.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I went back to my room when Fin came in, and I saw my phone was ringing. It was Amanda. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Fin's going to tell Murphy... about the other night, tomorrow. I'm gonna lose my job." She said with no emotion in her voice.

"Just, be honest. I'm sure Murphy will understand."

"No, Nick. He's going to fire me. He already gave me a second chance. I wouldn't expect a third."

"Maybe you should just come clean to Murphy?"

"Are you ready to talk about everything Jack did to you?" I froze. "That's what I thought. Nick, I have nobody. I can't go back to GA, they know what I did; Fin, Olivia, Murphy and Carisi will be out of my life once I'm fired; and I can't go back to the place I used to, he'll rape and kill me. I can't go back to Atlanta. Patton would take me back, but I couldn't work under him. No one will hire me. I'm done."

"Amanda. That's not what's going to happen. Murphy still has a heart. Apologize, tell him you're completely done with gambling this time. They wouldn't let you back, even if you wanted back in. Tell him you'll go back to meetings, and you're gonna be done for good this time." Olivia walked in the room.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Oh, Liv's back. Let me know how it goes."

"Okay, bye." Amanda said.

"It was Amanda. She's worried about Murphy."

Olivia only nodded, and climbed into the bed. It didn't take her a minute to fall asleep again.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I arrived at work early, seeing there was no sense in trying to sleep. Murphy was already in his office, and I figured it'd be best if he heard it from me, and I made my way to his office. I only second guessed myself a hundred times on my way to his office. "Rollins."

"Do you have a minute?"

"Sure. What's going on?"

I took a seat in one of the chairs facing his desk. I had to just get it out. I took a deep breath. "I've been gambling again."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Come on, I am a detective. Give me some credit."

"Well, I'm done now. I'm gonna go back to meetings, I'm gonna get my life back together. I'm really done this time."

"That's what you said last time. Why should I believe you this time?"

"You should know, I was assaulted, by the owner of the club. I've realized it's not worth it. I can't do it anymore. I need help, and I'm asking you, if you will please help me, instead of get rid of me." I could hear my heart beating in my chest.

"Rollins. You're a good detective. I don't want to see your career end, and I certainly don't want to be the one who has to end it, but I have to put my foot down somewhere." I hung my head, bracing myself for what came next. "If you so much as gamble one penny, I will have no choice, but to fire you on the spot, and I won't hear your argument. Understood?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you so much."

"Get to work, detective."

I nodded, and walked back to my desk. I couldn't believe his understanding. I would never understand why he didn't fire me. I deserved it. He'd given me a third chance, but I was really living on my ninth life. I knew I had to make it right this time, and make it worth the chances everyone had given me.

Carisi walked in to the squad room a few minutes before our shift started. "Hey Rollins." He said, taking his coat off, and got a cup of coffee before he sat back in his chair. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him. "Hey Rollins, are you okay?" He asked, leaning in closer to my desk so the whole squad wouldn't have to hear us talking.

"I'm fine." I said, and I saw Fin walk into the precinct, and I immediately went over to him. "I told him. He said this is my last chance."

"Did you tell him about the assault?"

"Yeah."

"Woah, woah, what assault?" Carisi said, joining what we thought was a private conversation. "Should we be investigating it?"

I rolled my eyes. _He's gonna find out one way or another_. "I was assaulted over the weekend. I owe a lot of money to a guy."

"Are you okay?" He asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine. I fought him off before he could even do anything."

"Well where is he? Let's arrest him."

"We can't do that. I'm in a lot of debt to him. A jury would never convict. My entire past of gambling would be revealed. I don't want that."

"Fin." Murphy called from his office, and retreated back.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I shut the door as I was instructed to do so, and I took a seat in the chair.

"How are Benson and Amaro holing up?"

"They're hanging in there. They're tough."

"Good. Now, they're both cleared to come back to work, do you think they could pass a psych?"

"I don't know. I'd say Olivia more so. If it was on a good day, I'd say yes, but a bad day, there'd be no way. Nick... I haven't been around him too much, but he has a ways to go."

"Let them know, whenever they're ready, I want them back. It's no rush, but maybe at least desk duty. We could really use the help."

* * *

**Are they ready? How about a review?**


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32!**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

"Murphy wants us back at work." I told Nick.

"When?"

"As soon as we can. That doesn't mean to push it."

"I know. Are you going to try to go back?"

"I think so. You know, maybe I could do some paperwork part time, just to get me out of this house."

"I think I'll do the same." He stated, but I knew he wasn't ready, and he was only trying to cover up the pain by doing whatever I did. I made an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom, and he said he could get me in later that day, if it was really as urgent as I was making it out to be. I told him I'd take it, and Nick had me schedule one for him in a couple days, since he was a new patient, he had to wait longer.

...

I wasn't ready. I realized as I stood outside his door. Maybe I could just use this as a session, and forget all about returning to work. After all, I had to tell him the story, and get that over with before I was being evaluated. "Hi, Olivia." He said. I gave a polite smile and nod, and sat down on the couch. "How've you been?"

I gave it half a chuckle. "How've I been? You watch the news."

"I want to hear it from you."

"I was kidnapped and raped, with my partner, my best friend, and we were forced to watch."

"Watch what?"

I took a deep breath, and reminded everything I told him was confidential. "We had to watch while Jack raped the other one."

"Which was harder for you?"

"Watching Nick."

"Why?"

"I knew how he would react. I didn't want him to be ashamed. He wanted me to promise not to tell anyone."

"Did you?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I couldn't do that to him. It's for him to tell, not me. I know how it feels, to wish no one knew. To know, every time someone looks at you, that's all they can think about."

"Do you wish you had kept it a secret too?"

"No. I mean, it's obvious, it wouldn't have worked. Fin has been so supportive, and he makes everything seem not so impossible to overcome."

"Otherwise it's impossible?"

"No. I just, I don't know what I would've done without him. During those first few months..."

"What would you have done?"

"I don't know."

"Would you have hurt yourself?"

"I don't know." I said, honestly. I had thought about it when everything was at its worst, and Fin must have known when I was thinking it, because he'd always tell me encouraging words, and the urge would leave. "I don't think I actually could have done it." I told Lindstrom. He just looked at me like therapists do. "I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt my baby."

"Tell me about the baby."

"It's Nick's. He was forced to have sex with me."

"Do you resent him for that?"

"No. There was nothing he could've done. He's been beating himself up over it, and I don't think it makes any sense for us to turn on each other now."

"Do you miss working?"

"Yeah. I mean, I know I'm not going to be working full force for another 6 months or so, but I miss it. My work is who I am. I don't know who I'd be without it."

"Your work doesn't define you, Olivia."

"I have to provide for my baby. Now, the department isn't going to pay for me to take a year off." He sat there in silence, waiting for me to come to the conclusion he wanted. I wasn't going to tell him my health, and my sanity came first. It didn't. I wasn't going to lie. "This baby, means the world to me. I am going to do anything I can to make sure she is cared for and loved like she deserves to be. I wouldn't do anything that could possibly cause any harm to her."

"You mean like, put yourself in harm's way."

"Exactly." I said, and waited for a response.

"Nightmares? Flashbacks?"

"Of course. Would I be human if I didn't have them? Look, I'm not asking to chase perps across New York, or go undercover. I'm asking to do paperwork."

"I'll sign the papers. On the condition, that we schedule another meeting before you go back on the streets."

"Thank you." I said, I had no idea how I passed. I thought I'd fail miserably. I guess today was one of my better days. I called Fin immediately to give him the news. I think he was a little shocked I passed. He was happy for me though. We both knew I was nowhere near ready, but no one else seemed to care. Murphy said I could come in whenever I wanted, and help them out with paperwork. I thought I'd talk with Nick, and see if he wanted me to wait until he passed as well, or what he wanted me to do. I drove myself to Nick's house, and unlocked the door on my own, with the key he had given me.

When I stepped into the house, I couldn't see him, but I could hear him. "Nick!?" I shouted. "Nick it's just me!" I slowly walked into the house, closing and locking the front door behind me. I followed the sound, to... the kitchen? I walked around the counter, and Nick was huddled in the corner, with a box of Ritz crackers that he had apparently found in his cupboard, lying next to him. It was an exact replica of the scene Fin had walked in on once at his place. "Nick, Nick, I'll get rid of them." I told him, and I picked up the box with the crackers. I could smell them.

"_Olivia, you need to eat something."_

"No, keep walking, it's not real." I told myself. I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. To the outside trash can.

"_I'm not hungry." I told Nick who was trying to give me the cracker. _

"_Please, you need to eat." _

I dropped the box of crackers. I also dropped to the floor sobbing. _"Liv." Nick came and sat on the bed, wrapping his arms around me. I cried on him. _Until, I fell over, and hit my head on the box beside the trash can. I jumped into reality, and quickly threw away the box of crackers. I wiped the tears from my face, and rushed into the house to check on Nick.

When I returned, he had calmed down, but he sat there silent, frozen, but he hadn't wiped the tears, which meant he wasn't himself yet. "Nick. Nick." I said, and he looked up at me, wiping the tears from his face.

"I'm sorry."

"I did the same thing, at Fin's. Nick, it's okay."

"It's not okay!" He shouted. "Do you know how it feels, when you can't even get for yourself one cracker!? One fucking cracker!? I can't look in the mirror! I can't have sex! I can't work! I couldn't save you! I can't stand myself! I'm helpless! One fucking cracker!" He shouted as he kicked the cabinets under the counter at the last word. He held his head in his hands as he rested his elbows on the countertop. I gave him a few minutes to calm down, before I tried to talk to him. I watched as his breathing went from fast and erratic, to regular.

"Nick. You're not alone. I did the same thing at Fin's."

"Over a cracker?" He snapped.

"Yeah. I even lost it for a minute taking the box outside. Okay? Nick, you're not alone."

He nodded. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine."

"How did it go with Lindstrom?"

"He signed off. I don't know how I- I wish I could tell you what I did."

"Congratulations. Are you going to start working?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that."

"If you're ready... Go ahead, just tell everyone I couldn't get in until later, but don't tell them when I'm going... in case he doesn't release me. I won't have to tell them."

"Okay."

"Hey, what kind of questions is he gonna ask?"

"He'll ask about what happen. Ask you if you hate yourself, if you hate me, if you want to hurt yourself." I said.

He sat there for a long moment. He looked down, and then back up at me. "Okay, thanks."

I smiled with a nod, and walked out of the room.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Fin was out on a case, and Murphy was in his office, and Carisi was in the restrooms when he walked in. I tried to pretend I didn't see him at first, but he saw me. I could see him walking over toward me. "Amanda." He stood over my desk.

"I'm working on it. Okay? I'll get you the money. You should get out of here before anyone sees you."

"And what? And finds out you're a dirty cop?" He said, raising his voice a little, catching the attention of a couple nearby cops.

I stood from my chair, and met him eye to eye. "I told you I'd get the money. What else do you want?" He took a step in so I could feel his breath on my face, and he grabbed a hold of my wrist. I quickly pulled it from his grasp.

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" Carisi came rushing over, and tried to step in between us.

He took a step back, and pointed at me. "I'm not playing."

"I'm not playing either." Carisi tried to move him out of the precint. "Get outta here before I have you arrested."

"Hey man, I just wanted to speak to her Captain."

"Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. If I see you harassing her again, I'll arrest you myself." Carisi threatened.

I took a seat at my desk as Carisi came back into the squad room. "Thank you. I coulda handled him myself."

"Yeah, I know, but you didn't need to. Is he the one?"

"Yeah, but... it's not a big deal, I'll get him the money, and he'll forget all about me."

"You ever think of trying to get him on another charge?"

"It would only make things worse. I still owe him money."

"Oh, okay."

"Thanks, though." I said, and returned my attention to my work.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I sat on the bed, reading a book, and he walked over, and planted a kiss on my lips, that I gladly accepted, and returned. I set my book down, and our lips detached. "You ready?"

"I think so." He said, kissing me again.

"Can we take it slow?" I asked, as he moved his hands to my hips. It wasn't that I didn't like it, I just knew fast didn't work too well last time. I had to constantly remind myself I was safe, and when I wouldn't believe I was safe, I told myself I had to do it, to survive. We both took our shirts off first, and took some time to look at the scars. I saw his bare chest, and I just started to kiss his scars, without even thinking. He laid down while I put my lips on each and every visible scar. When I sat back up, he kissed my body, and he held his hand over the clasp of my bra, and looked into my eyes, asking for permission. I nodded, and my bra snapped of, revealing my entire chest to him. He laid me back _Jack _while he grabbed my breasts _Lewis_. I pushed him away, hard.

"Liv, I'm sorry." He said.

I stared straight in front of me at the bed, trying to slow my breathing. _The granary. Lewis stood behind me, grabbing both of my... _no. I was not going to go back there. Not now.

_The basement. Jack straddled me, and pulled me by my feet so I was lying flat on..._ no. I couldn't go back there.

"Olivia." I heard Nick's voice, as he handed me a shirt.

"Thank you. I'm sorry." I slipped the shirt over my head.

"Don't worry about it. Is there something you'd like me to do differently next time?" It was his way of asking if it was anything he did.

"If you could not grab my breasts... and I'm really not doing too well with lying down. I'm sorry."

"No, you've been through a lot. You don't need to be sorry. I'm sorry for doing those things."

"Nick, it wasn't you." I told him, and backed it up with a kiss to his cheek. "We'll try again."

He nodded. "Maybe if we started with getting used to our own bodies, you know, before we started, it would, you know… I'm sorry, I-"

"No, Nick, that's a good idea. We just have to take it slow. We can't be rushed."

"I don't want those guys to be the last people to touch me, either, you know?"

I just nodded. It was the first time he had willingly talked about them, since he first told me about it. "They don't have to be. We're gonna work on it. We're gonna get past this."

"Is it too soon?"

"I don't think so. As long as we're not afraid to say when it's too much."

"I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get over everything and do it, but I'm going to try."

"Get over, what happen in prison?"

He looked down. "I just wanted to die. I thought it would never end. They were all surrounding me, laughing, calling me stuff, spitting on me. If they would've come back... if you didn't get me moved... I would've fought back until they killed me. I couldn't have went through that again." He sat there, and hung his head down.

"You don't have anything to be ashamed of."

"No? How can you sit there, and say that? After everything you saw!? After everything I told you!?"

"Because it's true." I scooted closer to him, and set my hand softly on his shoulder, and my eyes with concern. "Nick, I don't know why you think that no one would be able to look at you, if they knew, but it's not true."

"You don't know."

"How can you even say I don't know!? Nick, did you forget, I'm the only one who is open about what happen to me!? Yeah, some people will give you those looks of pity, of unsureness, but it gets better. They get over it. Now, it isn't doing you any good, dreading them finding out, and going over every worst possible scenario and reaction. If you told them, it'd be a lot easier."

"No, no. I'm not telling everyone. I don't want them seeing me as a victim."

"Is that how you see me?"

"No. You're a fighter."

"You don't think they'll see you like that too?"

He paused at my words, and sat there for a long moment, without talking. "You're not a man..."

I shook my head. "Don't do this to yourself. Listen, you have me, you have a girlfriend. Isn't that all that really matters?"

"Not if I won't ever let you touch me."

"We'll get there. We will." I told him, and I pulled the blankets up over me, and lied down next to him. I sounded so much more confident than I felt. I knew we could get to that point eventually, but who knows how long that would take? Who knows what else could come up, and lead us apart from each other? It was possible, but was it probable? I didn't know.

* * *

I left Nick, trusting he would be able to call if he needed anything. Besides, he is a grown man. He can make decisions for himself, and I have to be able to trust him when he says he'll be fine.

I walked into the precinct, and all heads turned to me, and the volume suddenly was turned down a notch, or seven. I just kept walking like I hadn't noticed. Fin came over to me. "Hey, glad to see you back."

"Yeah." I said.

"What's wrong?" He asked, as we stepped by the coffee for some more privacy.

"I don't know how I'm back. I mean, I know I have good moments, and when I was talking to Lindstrom, it was one of the better moments I've had. So, I don't know if I'm ready. I have bad moments, Fin, and they're _bad_, you've seen them. They haven't got better."

"No one is forcing you to come back."

"I know. I just keep telling myself, he wouldn't have released me, if I wasn't ready. Right?"

"Only you know when you're ready. You can leave whenever you want, if it ever gets to be too much. We understand."

"Thank you." I told him, and we walked over to our desks.

Murphy emerged from his office. "Fin. Rollins. Child abduction on 72nd street."

I sat there, frozen. I didn't allow my mind to wonder. _He held a gun to me, as he lead me from my-_ no. I wasn't going there. Not then, in front of my squad. In front of other cops. It wasn't happening. "You okay?" Fin asked before he headed out.

"I'll be fine." I said, and I could hear Murphy calling me into his office.

* * *

**Murphy's POV**

I could see it in her eyes. Something was missing. It was like a part of her was still there in that room, all the time, and maybe a part of her would always be there. She sat down across from me at my desk. She looked a lot better than the last I had seen her, but still I needed to know if she could handle being back here again. "How've you been?"

"I'm not gonna lie. It's been tough, but I'm here so put me to work."

"Remember that case you were working on before everything? Start with finishing that paperwork." I told her, and she nodded. "Benson. Take it easy. Don't push it."

"I can handle it." She said, and walked out of my office.

I didn't know if I could believe her, like I had pretended to believe Amanda. Eventually Amanda admitted what she had done, and this time it was her choice to give that other life up. This was different, but was it really? I wrestled with the thought, contemplating my decision over and over again in my head. I knew she wasn't ready to work, but she was keeping it together. I just didn't want an episode in my precinct. I thought maybe I should send her home, but she had barely been here a half hour. I had to at least give her a chance.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I sat in front of my computer, taking it one word at a time. I wasn't going to let this get to me. I had written up hundreds of reports, and this one was no different.

"Are you Sergeant Benson?" I hear coming from beside me, and I look up.

"Yes. You must be Detective Carisi?"

"Yeah. I heard you went through a lot. I'm really sorry."

"What's done is done." I said, putting on my best attempt at a smile, and trying not to show the emotions that were brought to the surface by his comment. The flood of memories. He had heard I went through a lot? What had he heard? I couldn't face this stranger who knew. He knew what had happened to me. Everyone did.

"Yeah, yeah. It's nice to meet you. Everyone's always talking about you, saying how you're the best-"

"Can you excuse me? I'm sorry." I said, and I headed for the restrooms. I locked myself in one of the stalls, and I closed my eyes. I didn't cry. I just breathed. Deep breaths. That was all I needed. Just a little time. I walked back into the squad room only a few minutes later, and Murphy met me at my desk.

"Why don't you go home?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine."

"You came here, you proved you can do it, now go home."

"It hasn't even been an hour..."

"Benson. As your superior officer, I'm telling you to go home."

"Yes sir." I said, but I wasn't happy about it. I grabbed my things, and headed out of the precinct.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

"Hey. You're back soon."

"Murphy sent me home. He doesn't think I can handle it."

"Then he doesn't know you."

She gave me half of a smile, and shook her head. "I just want everyone to stop seeing me like a victim."

"Liv, it hasn't even been four months. Maybe you should wait. You waited four months after Lewis, and this..." I didn't want to say the words, she didn't need to hear them. She knew what I was going to say anyways. This was worse than Lewis. She knew that, and she nodded at my words.

"I know." She lowered her head. "I think I'm gonna just do some yoga before I shower."

* * *

The next day I had my appointment with Dr. Lindstrom. I didn't really know what to do. I knew all the right answers. I sat down on the couch, and took a breath. "How've you been, Nick?"

"I've been doing alright." I told him.

"No, how've you been. Really?"

"I've been alright. Really."

"So, no nightmares or flashbacks? You're sleeping well?"

"Not exactly. I mean, half of the time I'm awake because of Olivia anyways."

"Is it hard for you to see Olivia, now?"

"No. We're actually dating now. So, I love seeing her."

"But after what you went through..."

He was trying to pull it out of me, and I didn't really want to talk about it. "We went through it, and we survived. We understand each other now, better than anyone else. She's the easiest person to talk to, and look at."

"Because she's the only one who knows."

I sat frozen. _Jack punched me, and told Olivia to open her eyes._ "Knows what?"

"You tell me."

"She knows what I went through. Having to be there, after every rape, every time he tortured her. He tore her apart, and she had me stop the bleeding. He forced me to rape her."

"Was it rape?"

"Not really. It felt like it. I don't know how or why they do it. Hearing her pain, seeing her crying beneath me. I just wanted to stop. I was hurting her. I don't understand how people don't see that, and want to stop. What do they get from it?" I sat there for a long moment. Asking myself the question over and over. I didn't understand how anyone could find pleasure in completely breaking a person.

"Did he ever touch you?"

"Did he touch me ever? Yeah. Did he rape me? No." I lied.

Lindstrom nodded, as if he had all the information he needed. He stood, and so did I. "Amaro. I wish you the best, but I can't sign you off today. Please, come back when you're ready. You can make an appointment on your way out if you'd like."

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. He knew. Olivia had told him. She told me she wouldn't. I raced to my house, and barged in the door. "You told Lindstrom!?"

"Nick."

"No! We were under an agreement! Did you tell Fin too!? Why not just tell Murphy while you're at it!? Huh!? Why did you tell him!?"

She started backing up with tears forming. "Nick. Please. Calm down."

"You promised me!"

"Please, Don't. Just... Stop." She was against the wall, and I stood a few feet away from her.

"You looked into my eyes and promised me!"

She slid to the ground. "Stop. Please, get off me." She whispered. I felt like the worst person in the world. I finally came to my senses, but I realized I was probably the last person she wanted to comfort her right now. I didn't know whether I should let her ride it out, or try to comfort her, and bring her out of the flashback that I had sent her into. "Get off me, please."

* * *

**There you have it! Please let me know your thoughts.**


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33! Picking up right where I left off.**

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I took a step toward her, and she tried to back away from me. "Please don't." She said as a new flood of tears streamed down her face. I knelt down to her level, but I didn't move any closer. "No."

"Liv, I'm not gonna hurt you. Okay? I'm sorry I overreacted." I paused, giving her a chance to say something. "Liv. Please, you're safe."

"Don't hurt me." She whispered so quietly I wasn't entirely sure if I had actually heard it.

"I'm not gonna hurt you. Nobody's gonna hurt you."

"Nick?"

"I'm right here."

"Can I just... have a moment?"

"Yeah." I said, and I walked into the master bedroom. I felt so horrible. I had just been thinking about how I could never understand people who cause others pain, and I had just caused her so much pain. I forced her to relive one of the moments she would give anything to forget. I guess, what had just happened was the exact reason Lindstrom wouldn't sign the papers. He knew I was a loose cannon.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I sat on the floor of Nick's living room, with the tears still running down my face. I didn't want to talk to Nick, I couldn't. So, I picked up my phone, and I called Fin. "Hey." I tried to hide the tears in my voice, but I couldn't.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

"Of course, but is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I just. I need to stay with you." I told him. He assured me I was always welcome, and I told him I'd be over in a few. I just had to gather a few things, and drive over there. After I had gathered everything else I needed, I went into the master bedroom to gather the rest of my belongings. "I'm gonna stay with Fin tonight. Maybe a couple nights."

Nick nodded. "I'm sorry."

"I know." I said, and I headed out.

...

I arrived at Fin's, and he opened the door for me, and I immediately dropped my bag, and fell into his arms, crying. "Liv, what's going on?" He asked, but I didn't answer him. I only continued to cry, and he waited till I pulled away, then he picked up my bag, and lead me inside. "What's going on?" He asked once I was finally settled on his couch.

"I don't think I can live with him." I said, wiping the tears that fell with the confession.

"What'd he do?"

"He just started yelling at me. Nick had gone to see Lindstrom, and I don't think he signed the papers. He came back, and just started yelling. Suddenly I was in the court room, and Lewis was questioning me. Then, I was back there... again. With Jack."

"Did he stop yelling?"

"Yeah, at some point. I just- I don't know how we could make it work."

"You're always welcome here, you know that."

I nodded. "I'm sorry for putting so much on you, I just- I don't have anyone else to call."

"Don't ever apologize. I'm here whenever you need me."

"Am I stupid for thinking Nick and I would ever be able to make it work?"

"No. Not at all. I think you can still make it work, but you both just need time right now."

I nodded. "Thanks."

"No problem." Make yourself at home.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

She left. I might as well have thrown her out, and kicked her to the curb. I caused her to leave. I caused her to have a flashback. I caused her to cry. I caused her pain. I caused her morning sickness. It was all my fault. It was my fault she was shot. It was my fault she was raped. It was my fault she couldn't have sex anymore, when she wanted to so badly. What good was I doing anyone? I sat in my house, and caused Olivia pain. That's all I ever did anymore. I turned on the hot shower, and looked at myself in the mirror. The mirror only showed to my waist, but there were plenty of visible scars. I didn't recognize my own face anymore. Where was that Nick Amaro that everyone used to love? The one that would die before he hurt someone. Now, here I am. Hurting Olivia every day as if it's my occupation. I stepped into the shower, and my eye caught sight of something. A razor. I knew how to cut my arm so that the blood would not be able to clot fast enough, and with this warm water, it could be over. _What am I thinking!? I can't do that!_ After I finished my shower, I took all the razors in the house. I had a big pack of disposable ones that were fairly new, and some were Olivia's, but I didn't care. I threw them outside in the garbage. I wasn't going to let myself do it. I walked back in my house, and closed the door. _How did I become this? This isn't me._ My phone started vibrating so, I looked to see who was calling. Olivia. Decline.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

"That's the third time he didn't answer my call. Fin, I'm worried about him."

"Text Amanda, and see if she'll go check on him."

I nodded, and sent her a text, and she immediately responded with, 'is everything alright?'

I told her 'I don't know. That's why I want you to check on him.'

'I'll head over there.'

'Thanks.' She probably wondered where I was, and why I couldn't, but I didn't want to see him. I needed some time.

"So, have you been eating better?" Fin asked me.

"Yeah, actually. I've been having toast and soup. Sometimes a sandwich. You know, three meals a day."

"Good. I have plenty so, help yourself." I nodded, and made my way to the kitchen to heat myself up some soup.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I knocked on his door, and I waited for a few minutes. When he didn't answer, I knocked again. I was starting to get worried. I pulled out my phone, but the door opened, and Nick was already walking back into his house. I followed him in, and closed the door behind me. "How are you doing?"

"She tell you?"

"No. Tell me what?"

"She left. She's staying with Fin now."

"What happened?"

"I yelled at her. I caused her to have a flashback." He said, and took a seat on the barstool.

"What'd you yell at her for?"

"I thought she'd told someone about... it."

"About... Jack raping you?" I asked softly, and he nodded. "It's okay to say it. Nick, you don't have to hide it from me." He looked away from me, and I gave him a minute in case he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. "Who'd she tell?"

"Lindstrom."

"Nick, that's her therapist. You expected her to lie to him? She has to deal with it too, and it doesn't seem like you've been too willing to talk about it. Besides, anything she told him is confidential."

"Until, he doesn't sign my papers because _I _don't want to talk about it. I can't go to him again."

"Maybe you can go to the one I went to, to get cleared. She was alright."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"I'll text you her contact information." I said. First, I texted Olivia, and told her he was upset, but I got him to talk to me, and then I sent Nick the information. "How've you been so far, without Olivia? Honestly."

He shook his head. "It's not that she's not here. It's that I hurt her. Again, and again, and again. It's like I can't stop. It's probably better she's away from me."

"No. Nick, that's not true. I know, I can't even begin to understand what you went through with her, or how hard it is to see her now. But I can see the connection you guys have. Don't let him take her away from you. Do everything you can to let her know how sorry you are. I can tell how bad you feel about this. Let her see that too."

"I don't want to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her. I just, I lost it. And I might do it again."

"You might. But you might not. Next time, if there is one, it might be her who yells at you." He nodded. I hoped he was understanding what I was saying. I hoped I was making sense.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I allowed Olivia to make herself some soup, and there was enough for me to have some too, so I joined her. "You alright?" I asked, noticing how silent she had been for the past few minutes.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Just checking up on you. You gonna go to work Monday? We missed you today."

"I don't know. When I walked in, everyone was silent, and they all just stared. Then, Murphy wouldn't even let me stay for an hour!" She shook her head. "I don't know if I'm ready."

"That's alright. Don't push yourself."

"I just- I don't want to come back when I'm eight months pregnant either! Talk about people staring..."

"Don't worry about everyone else, and what they think, what they expect, and what they say. You need to focus on you right now, and nobody else."

She nodded. "Thanks."

We finished our soup at the same time, and I offered to take her bowl, but she insisted on cleaning it herself. That was the Olivia I knew. She set the dish in the dishwasher, and grabbed her bag that was still near the doorway. "I'm gonna go lay down for a bit."

"Okay. I'll be out here if you need me."

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Amanda and I had been talking for a long time, mostly about how to pass the psych, and she told me that the best way to pass was to tell the truth, and I didn't know if I could do that, and I didn't want to really think about it so I turned the conversation around. "So, have you thought about telling anyone yet?"

"No. You know, I know Fin would be supportive, and all, but I just can't stand the thought of him knowing. You know? Just looking at me, and picturing it. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'll tell them when you're ready, but I'm not in any hurry."

"Yeah. I don't think I'll be ready... ever."

"If you want to talk about it, ever, you can talk to me."

"Yeah, same to you." I sat there for a while. "I'm gonna call Liv." I said. Amanda didn't object, so I figured it was a rational idea. I tapped on her contact, and tapped the phone icon next to it. It started ringing a few seconds later.

"Hello?" She sounded tired.

"Hey, sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No. No, Nick. You're fine. What's going on?"

"I just wanted to make sure you knew how so incredibly sorry I am. Liv, I am so sorry for yelling at you, and for getting mad at you for doing something you had to do. I'm really sorry."

"Thank you, Nick. I know I should've warned you so it was partially my fault."

There was a long silence before I finally spoke. "When do you think you're going to stay here again?"

"I don't know. Nick, right now, I'm trying to get back to work. I'm trying to have it together, at least enough to where Murphy will let me stay for a couple hours. I just don't think, I can do that... living with you. It's not anything you're doing or not doing, or anything. It's just something I need to deal with, and I just need a couple days. Maybe Tuesday or Wednesday I'll reevaluate and think about moving back in. Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you doing okay?"

"I think so. Amanda's here with me now."

"Good. Don't hesitate to call me if you need to, even though I'm not living with you right now, doesn't mean I can't go over there if you need me. Okay?"

"Alright." I said, and I hung up the phone. The conversation only gave me a little relief. She seemed to be doing fine, she sounded strong.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I decided to go to work that Monday. I didn't know if I'd be ready, or if Murphy would think I was ready, but I was willing to give it another try, but if Murphy sent me home as fast as he did the last time, I wouldn't be back for a while. Fin knew all of this, and he would help in whatever way he could. I got there, and took a seat at my desk, and tried to pick up where I left off. I stared at the screen in front of me for a few minutes before I actually began to work. I finally was getting somewhere when Murphy walked out of his office, and I thought he was going to send me home. I was already anticipating the words as he looked over at me. "Great to have you back, Benson." He said, and walked over to Amanda, and started talking to her.

I didn't know what to say. He didn't send me home, but then, I gave him no reason to. I looked over at Fin who just smiled. Then, I returned to my work. I had a lot to catch up on.

It was about an hour later, when there was an incident in the precinct. They were trying to talk quietly, as not to catch my attention, but I could still hear them. A younger girl came in, "I need to talk to Detective Benson." There was a silence, and then Murphy was called over there.

"I'm Sergeant Benson's Lieutenant. Can I help you?"

"No. I have to talk to her." She sounded scared, hesitant.

"What is this about?"

"I need to talk to her."

"How do you know her?"

"I don't. My counsellor gave me her name. She said she can help me."

I couldn't take it anymore, and I walked to the front. Murphy slightly shook his head, but I ignored him. I was the only person this girl was going to talk to. "Hi, I'm Sergeant Benson. Can I help you?"

"Yeah. I need to talk to you, alone."

"Okay, come with me." I walked her to the interview room, catching a look of caution from Fin. I knew it was a bad idea, but she wasn't going to talk to anyone else. I kept reminding myself of that when I heard that voice in my head tell me it was a bad idea.

Before I entered the room, Fin made eye contact with me. "You don't have to do this. I can take her statement." He whispered.

"No, she wants to talk to me. I'm here. I'll be fine." I said, and I walked into the interview room, closing the door behind me. We sat at the table, facing the mirror. "So, what's your name?"

"Kaelie."

"Kaelie, why did you come here today?"

"I was raped."

Raped. That was such a harsh word. It'd never really bothered me before, but now this word had a new sting to it. It hurt to hear it. I could feel my face turning red. "When did this happen?" I was barely able to breathe out the words, and I knew they were ready to burst in any second from behind that mirror. Looking, for any sign of weakness as an excuse to run in and 'rescue' me. They probably had their hand already on the handle, and were just waiting for me to lose it, but I wasn't going to let it get to me that easily. I'd done this a million times before. They were all routine questions.

"Three months ago. I finally told my therapist. She told me to talk to you. She said you were the best. But I don't want anyone to know, and I don't know what to do."

"Okay. Do you know who it was that attacked you?"

"Yeah. But I don't want him to know."

"Know what?"

"I'm pregnant."

I froze. I could feel the red color of my face burning bright, letting the world know I knew too well what she was going through. Fin walked in the door, bringing two glasses of water. He set them down in front of us. "You okay?" He whispered to me.

"Yeah." I said, coming out of the dazed state I was in. Fin left, but I knew he was still right there at the door again. "Kaelie, I know what you're going through, and I'm going to do everything I can to help-"

"Don't you dare say you know what I'm going through! Were you raped!?"

I didn't know what to say to her. I sat there, with the tears ready to spill at any moment, but doing everything I could to keep them from falling. _Jack climbed on the bed, smiling._

"You're not carrying around your rapist's baby!"

That much was true. But, I was still impregnated while being held hostage. Even though it was by Nick, it only made it a little easier. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head at the memory, which caused the tears to fall. When I opened my eyes, Fin was already beside me. "Liv."

"I'm fine."

"Come on, you're done." He told me, and I walked out with him. I knew it was for the best. "You alright?" He asked as the door to the room was closing, leaving Kaelie in there by herself.

"Yeah, just give me a minute, and I'll finish taking her statement."

"You're not going back in there." Murphy told me, and I nodded, and left for the restrooms, not really caring at that moment. I couldn't feel my face. I knew the tears were falling, but my entire body started to go numb, and I needed to get to the restroom before I collapsed. I braced myself on the edge of the sink, looking at my reflection. My baby bump becoming more noticeable. My vulnerability extremely visible. I took a couple deep breaths, and wiped the tears, but more fell in their place, and I broke. I covered my face as my body shook, and I tried to keep my legs from collapsing beneath me. He hurt me, he broke me, he is the reason I'm pregnant. I can't hide it.

I grasped the sink as my legs begged me to let them rest. I didn't dare look in the mirror. I didn't want to see my broken self, staring back with lifeless eyes. That was, if I could even manage to see through the tears. I heard a knock at the door. "Liv, you alright?" I saw the door crack open, and he looked at me. I closed my eyes, and turned away from him. "Liv..."

"Don't. I just, need some time." I told him, and I waited to hear the door close before I began to try to collect myself. When I finally deemed I was semi-acceptable I walked out of the restrooms, and just in time to see Kaelie walk out of the precinct. "Would she not talk to anyone else?"

"Don't worry, I took her statement." Murphy told me.

I looked at him confused, and I think Fin could read my mind. "Liv, you were in there for a half hour. You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. I just- I should pry go." There was no way either one of them would let me stay after that. That was so ugly.

"I think that'd be best."

* * *

**So, what'd you think? This chapter was a little shorter than they have been recently, but I thought this was a good place to stop. Also, do you guys like Rollisi? I know I for one have turned into Rollisi trash, and I just wanted to know how you feel about me possibly adding a little of them in here.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34! Sorry for the long wait, I've been extremely busy.**

* * *

I left the precinct, but I didn't want to go to Fin's, so I went to Nick's. I hadn't seen him in three days, and it was time to talk to him, I think we both needed it. I took a seat with him on his couch after he silently and awkwardly invited me in. I could tell he was taking it personally, that I wasn't staying with him. I wished he knew how I felt, he was blaming himself, for making me feel scared, for making me hate him, but none of that was true. How could I hate him? "Nick. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything."

"It was my fault I yelled at you, and you can't tell me it's not."

"I don't blame you for it. I know you didn't mean it personally."

"Why did you leave? Liv, I need you."

"I'm sorry. I just needed some time to think about everything. To get myself together, so I can be there for you. I should've been able to help you through it, and instead, I lost it. It was nothing you did. It was what I did." I sat, and I waited for a response, but he only sat still, looking at his lap.

"You still left."

"I had to, Nick. I needed to get myself together."

"And I can't help you with that." He said, coming to his own conclusion. I shook my head, but he stood up. "I see how it is." He said, and headed back to his bedroom.

"No, Nick-" I tried, but he was gone. I felt terrible. This was why I needed to stay with Fin. It was too hard on the both of us. He would say something, and I would react. It wasn't his fault. It was hard on me. Fin had it all together, he never yelled at me, and he wasn't there when it all happen. Fin knew how to help me. It was just different with him. I walked back to his room, where I was met with a closed door. "Nick. Come on." He didn't say anything. "Nick." I still didn't get a response. "Nick, please just open the door."

"Um, you know what? I need my space right now. So, you should probably head over to Fin's."

"Nick-"

"I mean it, Liv. Come back tomorrow."

I didn't want to leave him this upset. I was worried about him. I didn't know what he might do, but I had left him before... "I just want to know you're okay."

"I'm fine Liv. Please. I just want some time."

"It's hard for me to believe you when you won't even look at my face." I said, causing him to open the door. I was face to face with his red and puffy eyes, not willing to meet mine. "Nick…"

"Liv, I let you have your space. Now, can you please give me mine?"

"Yeah. Call me if you need anything. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." He said, closing the door again. The last thing I wanted to do was leave him alone when he was hurting so much, and I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him everything would be alright, and I was going to help him. I sent Amanda a text on my way out, to see if she could check on him after she got off work. I had been so much more worried about Nick ever since he had expressed he wanted to die when he was in prison, and he'd thought about killing himself. I'll admit, I've thought about it a time or two, but it wasn't something I was concerned about with myself. I knew I wouldn't do it. But Nick... he was keeping all this bottled up inside, and he was going to break, and all of those emotions and feelings he hasn't been allowing himself to express is going to come bubbling to the surface, and explode. I just didn't want to be in a position to where I could've prevented it, and I didn't do anything to stop it. I drove myself over to Fin's place, and I made myself something to eat, and I hoped he would be back soon.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

She left. Again. I picked up the phone, and I called the therapist Amanda had referred me to. I thought she could clear me. I was going to look up every single advice to pass the psych on the internet, and I was going to maybe pass this thing.

Be honest. Don't worry too much. Relax. Be honest. Things were not looking too good for me now. I would do my best, but if I failed, no one would have to know. I was going to be alone for the rest of the night, and no one would even know I left my house.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I left work, and headed straight over to Nick's. It wasn't just because Olivia had asked me to, although that was a part of it. I was genuinely concerned about him. I was one of two people he talked to anymore, and he and Olivia hadn't been talking too much recently. I knocked on his door, and waited for him to answer. I didn't get a response. "Nick! Are you in there!? It's me, Amanda!" I yelled, but he didn't answer. I called his cell. Straight to voicemail. I immediately called Olivia. "Hey, I uh, don't mean to freak you out or anything, but Nick isn't answering his door. Do you have a key?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there." Olivia said, and I hung up the phone. I had never felt more helpless, standing right outside his door, and who knew what he could be doing in there. I decided to take a lap around the house, just to make sure he wasn't in his backyard, and wasn't able to hear me. He wasn't back there. His backyard was dead. The grass was dead, the plants were dead. All his blinds to his house were closed. I just wanted to know what was going on in there. I shook my head as I returned to the front of the house, and took a seat on the porch while I waited for Olivia.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I arrived at Nick's place in a panic. I was such a nervous wreck after I hung up the phone after talking to Amanda, Fin offered to drive me, and I knew that was best. I jumped out of the car as soon as the car came to a stop, and met Amanda on the porch.

"I've tried calling him a hundred times, and it's going straight to voicemail." She told me.

"He wasn't doing too well when I left him." I said, and knocked on the door. "Nick! It's Liv!" I didn't wait too long after that, and I just assumed he wouldn't answer the door, and I opened the door myself. I lead the way in the house, with Amanda following, and Fin following Amanda. I went straight for him bedroom, but he wasn't in there, and his bathroom door was shut slightly, so I walked over there, trying to see in, and my heart beating out of my chest at what I might find. "Nick?" I said, and I pushed open the door, but he wasn't there. I let out a breath, but I didn't know if it was actually a good thing that he wasn't there. Where else could he be? Amanda and Fin both joined me as I was leaving his room. "He's not here." I said. We stood there in silence for a few seconds. "Is his car still here?" I asked, and we all went out to the garage, hoping he was in there, and also hoping he had left to buy some groceries, or something. Fin opened the door, and we were met with an empty garage. I sighed. "Maybe he just went to the store or something?"

"Yeah, with his cell phone turned off?"

"You thinking he was kidnapped?" Again. No, it couldn't be happening. No. I shook my head as the realization hit me.

"Liv, it's probably fine. He probably went to the store." Fin said, placing his hand on my shoulder, and I jumped at the contact.

"He can't go through that again... he can't. I can't."

"Liv, we're not gonna let anything happen to you." He assured me.

"That's not what I meant. I can't watch him go through that again. I can't- I can't do it again." I grabbed onto Fin, the amount of air suddenly diminished, and he started to lead me toward the door.

"Come on, let's get out of here." He said. We all made our way to the front porch, where we took a seat, and decided to wait for a while to see if he came back. It _was_ Nick we were talking about, and he didn't have the best judgement, so we knew he was most likely out somewhere, since there were no signs of force or a break in.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

"I was raped. He made her watched while he raped me." I said, not crying, just saying it like it was.

"What's going through your head right now?" She asked me.

"I'm not gay."

"Is that why you're afraid to tell people about what happen?"

"Yeah. I don't have a problem with gay people or anything, I just don't want people thinking it about me. They'll think I can't hold my own at work anymore. It's just a perception people have." I hung my head. "I just want to get back to work. I feel like the best way for me to deal with it, is for me to help other people who are going through it."

"Let's talk about the escape. You killed him."

"And I'd do it again if I had to. He hurt her. Bad. No one can understand, what I had to watch her go through, when he was there, when he would leave us alone. _While_ he tortured her. I had to be there for all of it. I'm not sorry I killed him. There was no other way out." I added the last sentence to sound more humane. I knew if I didn't, she would think I was going to go out and be trigger happy when I got back in the field, so I made sure she knew it was an isolated incident.

"Have you had any recent suicidal thoughts?"

"A few times. Mostly while I was in prison. But, I know I have people to talk to, now that I'm out. I have a girlfriend, a reason to live. I don't want to kill myself. I want to be here for my little baby girl." I was having a better moment. All that I said was true in that moment, but there were times when it wasn't entirely true.

"Okay. Now, these papers. I will sign them, with the stipulation that you talk to someone, at least once a week, when you return back to work."

"Thank you. Thank you so much." I said. I couldn't believe it. The minute I stopped stressing so much, I was able to seem like a normal person, and pass this thing.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

"What if someone took him?" I whispered, not expecting anyone to hear me. Fin was standing near the road, waiting for Nick's car to pull up, as if it would ever. Amanda stood at the bottom of the steps I was sitting on. She turned around after I spoke.

"Liv, it doesn't look like anyone took him. There's no evidence of it."

"That doesn't mean-"

"We have to think positive. Stay calm, the stress really isn't good on the baby." The baby. If Nick really was gone, the baby would be the only thing I had left of him, and I couldn't do anything to harm that. At the same time, there was no way I could calm down until I knew he was safe.

"Hey guys!" Fin called from the street. "I think that's him."

I ran to the sidewalk, and looked down the street, and I could see him driving up. I was so relieved. I could hardly catch my breath. He parked the car on the street, since Amanda was in the driveway. He got out, and all of us went over to him. "Where were you?" I asked.

"I went to take my psych. I passed."

"Do you have any idea how worried I was!?" My eyes filled with tears as I shook my head. "You couldn't have told me?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry." He said, and he stepped toward me, opening his arms. I pushed him away.

"No. Please, just stop. I can't do this. Not right now." I took a few steps back. "I'm glad you're alive. Okay? Because you had me scared." I said, and turned to get into Fin's car. I saw Amanda give Fin the go ahead to follow me, and she walked inside with Nick.

"You wanna talk?" He asked, when he got in the car.

I shook my head, and sniffled back the tears. He drove me to his place, and I immediately went into the bedroom I was staying in, and closed the door, sinking to the ground in front of the door. I tried to silence the sobs, but I couldn't control it.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Nick was mad at himself for making Olivia so upset. He kept apologizing to me, but it wasn't me he needed to apologize to. He had really hurt her when he left without saying anything. Granted, he is a grown man, and he shouldn't have to report every place he goes to anyone, but the way it all happen to go down was a disaster. I knew he never meant for any of it to happen like that.

"Do you think I should call her?"

"I think she needs a little time right now. Maybe in the morning."

He nodded. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make her that worried."

"I know, Nick. You don't need to apologize to me."

"I'm gonna get some sleep. I don't want to hurt anyone else today."

"Nick." It was only 6 PM.

"Goodnight." He said, and walked to his bedroom. I didn't know whether to follow him, let myself out, or make myself at home. None of them seemed like the right choice.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

She had been in there for 10 minutes. The volume of her sobs had only increased. It was getting harder and harder for me to listen to. I had knocked on the door after the first 2 minutes, and she said she wanted to be alone, so I was trying to respect that. I could hear the pain with every sob, and I wanted more than anything to be able to take that pain away. She didn't deserve any of it. I tried to distract myself with some food, but I couldn't help it, when she let out the most painful half-scream half-sob yet. I walked over to the door, and I knocked. "Liv, are you alright?"

I could hear her say "no" through the next sob, and I cracked open the door. She was curled up in a ball, lying on the floor with her arms wrapped around her stomach.

"Liv." I said, and I kneeled by her, placing a hand on her back. "Hey, it's okay." I told her. She continued sobbing, and I just rubbed circles on her back. I felt like I should've been doing more, but there wasn't really anything else I could've done. "Liv, you're safe. Everyone's safe. It's okay." I watched her cry for what seemed like forever. Each second, my heart broke more and more for her, and by the end, there was nothing left but shards of my heart. Her tears and the sobs slowly came to a stop, and she just lay there, motionless for a while. I didn't know what was going through her mind, but I didn't want to disturb it. I continued rubbing circles on her back, and she finally brought one hand up to wipe the tears.

"I'm sorry. That was ugly." She whispered.

"You don't need to apologize. I'm here for you."

"Can you give me a minute?"

"Yeah." I walked out of the room, leaving the door open so she hopefully wouldn't shut me out. It only took her a minute, and she was out of the room, with her hair thrown up. We sat on the couch together.

"Thank you Fin."

"That's what I'm here for." I told her. "You wanna talk?"

"I felt the baby kick. For the first time. She's real. It was like she was trying to comfort me." She let out a heavy breath. "It just made me cry harder... it's scary. We're not ready."

"You still have a little over five and a half months. The best thing you can do for the baby now, is to take it easy."

"I know." She paused for a second. "Nick's not ready to go back to work. You know, after today... and the whole weekend. I just don't think he's ready."

"Is it him that's not ready, or you? You don't want him to be in danger? You can't lose him again?"

She nodded. "It's both. I was so scared. You have no idea what he went through."

She had told me that so many times, it was still true, but I _knew_ I didn't have any idea of what they went through. "From what it sounded like, you had it worse, and you were cleared."

"I wasn't sent to prison."

I got the feeling that there was more to that than she was letting on. When he came out of prison he was more disconnected than ever. He wouldn't look at me at all. Maybe Olivia didn't know about anything, but I was almost certain if something did happen, he would have told her. "Did something happen to him in prison?" I asked softly, hoping she would tell me if something did.

She closed her eyes as she shook her head, shying away from me.

"Liv, you know you can tell me if something happened." She nodded, and I held her hands as she sat facing me, and I struggled to maintain eye contact with her. "If something happened, he needs help. He's keeping it bottled up. If he wasn't your partner, what would you advise him to do?"

She shook her head, lowering it. I didn't know if anything for sure happen, but her reaction was telling me she wanted to say something, but she had promised him she wouldn't. "Nothing happened. If something did, I don't know about it. Okay, talk to him." She paused for a second. "Do you really think something happened?"

"I don't know. I don't think he's made eye contact with me since he was released. He's extremely jumpy, his nightmares... I been doing this job long enough to know the signs. But, he did go through a lot with you, and I want to believe him, but something in me is telling me, he's not telling us everything."

"I'm just not getting the same vibe from him." She said. Then, she walked back to my guest room. I knew I couldn't push either one of them, if something had happened, pushing would not make either of them want to tell me. Also, I didn't want her to admit something happened, if it didn't, just so I would quit pushing it on her. So, I waited for them to come to me, if they were every ready to talk.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Olivia came back the next day, with all of her things. I was so glad she was back, to stay. I was thinking I was finally ready to talk to her about what happened, but we had pulled so far apart in the past few days, and I needed a little time to get reacquainted with her. She arrived by herself, and she threw her arms around me. "I'm sorry I ran, when I should've been here to support you." She whispered in my ear.

I couldn't say anything, and I just closed my eyes as I embraced her presence. I loved having her in my home. "Come on in." I said when we broke the hug. She planted a kiss on my lips, it meant that said she was still interested in me, and it meant more than she knew. I needed that reassurance.

We sat down on the stools in my kitchen, after she had put her stuff in my room, and I made us both something to eat. "So, how've you been?" She asked me before taking a bite of her sandwich.

"Okay." I told her, honestly. I hadn't been 'good' I hadn't been 'great' I was just 'okay', just getting by. It was hard without her, and I wanted her to know that. I wanted her to think before she left again. I wanted, no needed her to stay. "How've you been?"

"I've been doing alright. I haven't been great or anything. I'm just glad I'm back." She said, and I was so glad to hear it.

...

Later that night, we were sitting on the couch, and she was about to turn the TV on, but I stopped her. "Liv, wait." She looked at me, still pointing the remote to the TV with her finger on the power button. "Can we talk?" As the words fell from my mouth, I felt an overwhelming sense of nervousness consume me.

After I asked, she set down the remote, and sat down next to me, placing a hand on me. "Of course." She said.

I nodded, taking a deep breath. "I forgot where we left off, so I'm just going to start." I said. She laid a hand on my back, and I took her other hand in mine. "He told you not to look away. He told me not to bite him. I just- I was so disgusted. I started gagging. I didn't mean to bite him. I thought he was gonna kill me. He punched me. Then, he kicked me. I had never felt worse pain. He handcuffed my hands." I tried to hold back the tears, but they fell anyways. I could never make it past here. I was going to do it tonight. I had to. I just had to say what happen next. That was the hardest part. "He raped me. The pain made all my other pain disappear. He punched me. I knew it was because you looked away. I wanted to disappear. I'd never felt more helpless." I wiped the tears, but they kept falling, and I stopped caring. It wasn't like she'd never seen me cry before. "I felt... him enjoy it." I looked at Olivia, who sat listening. If it was bothering her, she didn't show it. I looked back away from her before I continued. "I was on my back. He grabbed me. I tried to hold it in. I'm not gay..." I covered my face with my hands.

"I know that, Nick. Your body reacted. That's all. It's not your fault."

I nodded, and I took her hand again. "He put me in his mouth, and bit down. I never knew pain until then. He ordered me to get on my knees. The pain... I finally was able to get up, after he threatened your life... I didn't want you to die. I said what he wanted me to, and I made him come, and he made me swallow. Then, he threw me on my face, and raped me again. He took the handcuffs off, and I wanted to fight him, but I couldn't move." I waited for her to say something but she remained quiet. "So, that's what happen."

"I'm so proud of you." She said. I looked over, and she had a tear running down her face, that she quickly wiped, and I wiped my tears as well. More tears fell from my eyes, and I realized what I had just done, what I had hold her, how embarrassed I was, how far I had come. I fell into her arms, and I let myself go. I cried. I couldn't help it. I buried my head into her shoulder, and I cried.

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**So, there it is. Please review this, I really need some motivation to write. **


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35! Sorry for the long wait. I don't really have an excuse. I've just been super lazy and haven't felt like doing anything recently.**

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**Olivia's POV**

I sat there, holding Nick in my arms, offering him all the comfort I could. I realized how far he had come. He had never been able to get through half of it before. Maybe he was ready for work. I held him, hoping he wouldn't push me away after. Every time he had showed any sign of 'weakness' he would run or hide after. I just hoped he had come far enough to not do that this time. He finally sat up, and my shirt was soaked with his tears. "Sorry." He said, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Don't be sorry."

"Your shirt is all wet. I'm sorry." He said, trying to let out a laugh.

"I know. I'll go change it." I said, thinking it was bothering him to look at it. A plain display of his pain, staring back at him. I stood, and walked back into the master bedroom, I tore the shirt from me, and I grabbed another shirt, and I saw a figure appear in the doorway. I jumped further than I ever thought I could. "Oh my gosh, Nick, you scared me." I said, standing there in my bra, with my shirt clutched to my chest, trying to cover me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were-" He shook his head, and looked away.

"It's not like it's anything you've never seen." I said, dropping my shirt. "Come here." I told him. He walked over slowly to me, and I took his hand. "Nick, you're the only person I'll trust to see me like this, I think for the rest of my life. I want you to know that. I trust you. I love you."

He took a step closer to me, and placed a hand on my waist. It was like we were dancing, but there was no music, but we still started swaying in sync. I laid my head on his chest, and I used it as my rhythm. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. His arms were so comforting, and having them wrapped around me was all I needed. He kissed me. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. We sat down on the bed together. We both knew we weren't ready, so we didn't even try to pretend we were. He shed his shirt, and we both climbed to the center of the bed. We both took our pants off, and we kissed. We pulled the covers up, and we intertwined our legs, and wrapped our arms around each other's almost naked bodies. It wasn't what normal couples would enjoy, but it was all we could handle. It was actually a huge step for us. I loved every bit of it, and I placed one last kiss on his lips before we both drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

We both had an incredibly great night the previous night, and I woke up in an extremely good mood. You know, that kind of mood that you see someone in, and you're just thinking, _ooh what did he do last night? _But all it was, was having her in my arms again, and she loved me. I could feel it. Neither one of us had a nightmare that night. We owed it all to each other. I felt better than ever, and I thought it would be a good time to convince everyone I would be fine to return to work. Even if, it was only paperwork, I could live with it. I didn't know if I was ready for field stuff anyways. Olivia was getting ready for work, and so I decided to as well. When she saw what I was doing, she gave me a look that told me it was my choice, but she didn't think others would be so approving. "Just say it. You don't think I'm ready."

"That's not it. Last night you proved you were ready, but no one else was there last night. They didn't get to see. I just don't know how they're gonna feel."

"Will you back me up?"

"Of course, but they haven't been listening to me a whole lot, recently."

"Thanks."

"When are you going to tell them?" she asked.

"You promised you wouldn't push me."

"I know, there's no pressure. I was just wondering, if it was something you were even thinking about yet."

I had been thinking about it. The pressure I had put on myself was enough. Amanda said she was ready when I was, and I didn't want to hold her back. I wanted to do it soon, but if I tried, I didn't think I could actually get the words out. "I thought about it. But, they don't need that image in their heads."

"You don't need to protect them. You don't have to give them any details or anything."

"I know. I just think, if I tried, I don't think I would be able to say the words." I admitted.

She nodded. "I thought the same thing. I mean, I didn't need to say it, it was obvious. But, I didn't think I'd be able to give my statement, ever. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I got through it. I told a complete stranger every humiliating detail..."

"I'm just not ready. I need to show them that I can still do my job, before I tell them."

"Nick, you don't have to prove anything. They know you're a good cop."

"I need to do this for myself, Liv. Please, understand." I said, and she nodded.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

We arrived at work together, and I swear, every single person in the precinct's head turned at the same time, as they all fell silent. Well, besides Amanda who gave a glance, and then continued talking to Fin.

"You should probably go talk to Murphy." I said, trying to ignore the stares.

Fin waved Amanda off, and walked over to us. "Hey, Nick. You should pry talk to Murphy before you do anything else." Nick nodded, and walked into Murphy's office. "How's he doing?" Fin asked me as we walked to my desk.

"He's come a long way." I told Fin. "I think he's ready."

"I trust you." Fin said, and walked over to his desk.

I just hoped Nick really was ready. I waited four months after Lewis to go back to work, and this was about four months after the escape. I just knew, even though I had a few missteps, after Lewis, I was really ready to come back. I'd taken probably more time than I needed. This time, we were both coming back as soon as we possibly could. Maybe it was a pride thing. Neither one of us wanted to take more time off than the other did, and we both wanted to be the first one back to work. I sat staring at my desk, running these thoughts over again in my head.

"Liv, you okay?" Amanda asked on her way to get some coffee.

"Yeah, I'm just tired."

"Want me to make you some coffee?"

"I can get it myself." I said, and we both walked over there, and Amanda poured herself a cup, then handed it over to me.

"You think Nick's ready to come back?" She asked. "I mean, has he been dealing with it?"

"Yeah. He told me about all of it. Last night."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine." I told her, and I walked back to my desk. I didn't want to talk about myself. I didn't want to talk about how scared I was. I was scared for Nick. I was scared for the baby. I was scared I would never be able to have sex again. I was terrified. Of this job. Of my future. I did not want to talk about me.

Nick took a seat at his desk across from mine. "How'd it go?"

"I'm on desk duty, until they need me, or I show him I'm ready for the field."

I nodded. "It's a start."

Nick nodded to me, and hung his head at his desk.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

For the next two days he had me doing nothing but desk duty. Murphy sent me home after four hours the first day, but the next day he let me leave on my own terms. I was just hoping today would be the same. It had been a rough day from the start. Olivia and I had started sleeping in our undergarments, and nothing else. It was progression, but Olivia had her arms wrapped around me, and her arms slid down my back, till they were right above my boxers. I was about to shove her away from me, but I caught myself in the middle, and I only gave her a light shove. She jumped back, and held her hands in the air. I felt horrible. I didn't mean for my mind to go there when she touched me, I couldn't help it.

After a few hours for paperwork, Murphy made an announcement in front of the whole precinct. There was a man they were chasing. He'd kidnapped and killed five girls, and he was holding a sixth hostage as he tried to escape. Murphy said he wanted every available unit out looking for him. _That meant me, right?_ After Murphy made his speech, he walked toward his office. "Amaro. My office?" I followed him in, and shut the door behind me. "Amaro. You think you're ready for the field?"

"Yes, sir." I told him.

"Okay. This is going to be your trial. Fin will be your partner."

"Is there any way I could be paired with Rollins?" He looked at me hesitantly. "It's just, she knows more, and I'm sure I'll be fine... but if I'm not... She has a better idea of what's going on."

He thought about it for a moment. Maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to have the two most unstable detectives paired together, but at least he was considering it... "Okay. Can you call her in here?"

I did, and he told us we would be partners, and gave us our task before letting us go. I was going to be back in the field. This was the only chance I'd have for a long time if I blew it. I knew I couldn't.

The suspect's credit card had just been used at a gas station near Rollins and I so, we were sent to check it out. We pulled up at the gas station, and it was shady like they all are. We could see a man arguing with the man behind the desk over something. We entered as the guy started to leave, but I stood in his way, holding up my badge, and he ran to the back of the store. Rollins followed, and I followed Rollins. He barely made it out of the back door before Rollins tackled him. I caught up, and helped her bring him to his feet after she got the cuffs on him.

"Hey, I didn't do nothin'"

"Then why'd you run?" I asked.

"I just got caught in the moment, you know, I'm standing there, you're blocking me, you flash your badge at me. I felt like I was in one of those cops movies. They always run in those movies, you know?"

"Only the guilty ones run. Where's the girl?" Rollins asked.

"I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout."

"I think you do. Remember her?" She pulls out a picture of the girl who was kidnapped. "You kidnapped her! Now, you're holding her. Where is she, Robert?"

"Robert? Name's Matt. You got it all wrong."

We checked his ID, and he was in fact, named Matt. We asked him where he got the credit card from, and he told us some guy had paid him to travel as far as he could in this direction, and use it. That was earlier in the day. That meant he had to be nearly in Canada by then. We reported back, and we were instructed to return to the precinct.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

We returned to the precinct, and I saw the owner of the club I still owed, standing there. I grabbed Nick's arm, and I made a sharp turn. He followed me. "What's wrong?"

"That's him. In there. The man who assaulted me at the club. I haven't paid him back yet. Last time he was here, he was asking to talk to Murphy."

"Murphy knows you were there, he'll have your back."

I walked in the precinct with Nick by my side, hoping he wouldn't approach me. I saw him shake hands with Murphy, and then he walked toward me. "Detective Rollins."

"Leave me alone."

"You owe me. A thousand is on me. You're welcome. You pay me back, or you can continue paying it my way. Your choice." He said, and he left. Immediately, Murphy called me into his office. He didn't look happy.

"I gave you another chance, and you blew it!"

"What are you talking about?" My heart started racing.

"I have no option but to fire you this time."

"Lieutenant."

"I gave you so many chances. I believed you when you said you wanted to get better."

"I haven't gambled." I hung my head, knowing what the owner had been there for. "Please, don't listen to him. I owe him a lot of money, and this is his way of making me pay it back."

"I want to believe you, Rollins. I do. Explain this." He handed me a picture of myself from the security footage. I was gambling.

"This is from the night he assaulted me. I haven't been back there since. I swear."

"Look at the time stamp."

It was dated for last Saturday at 9 PM. "He altered it! Check the tape! You'll see Fin come and get me. Ask him."

"I will."

"He's trying to ruin my life until I pay him."

"Do you still have those clothes? Have you washed them since?"

"I uh, I burned them. His semen was all over them. I couldn't-" I hung my head.

"Rollins. Did he rape you?" _Why did everyone keep asking me that?_

I shook my head. "We had consensual sex. Then, he got rough, and started assaulting me. I got away before he could..."

Murphy nodded. "You will be on leave, until we get this straightened out. I really hope you're not lying to me."

"I- I'm not. Thank you for listening to my side of the story." I said, and I left. I caught stares from everyone as I picked up my things on my way out of the station.

"Amanda." I heard Nick say, but I just kept walking. I needed to go to a meeting.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I walked into Murphy's office after I saw Amanda leave. "What was that about?"

"I was given this picture." Murphy handed me the picture of Amanda gambling. "It's dated for last Saturday. I need to know if it's legit."

"Can I take Liv?"

"No. You know she can't go in the field."

"Then, I have to wait for Fin to get back, which gives them more time to cover their tracks."

"You can't take Benson."

"Well, can you have Barba get us a warrant for the security footage while I wait?"

"I'll work on it. You, tell Benson her shift is up."

I walked out of his office, and I sat down next to Olivia. I knew how horrible it felt to be sent home. I wanted to do it softly. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"Fine. I'm almost done typing this up. How was your first day in the field?"

"Great."

"But?"

"Murphy told me to tell you, your shift is up."

She rolled her eyes. "I guess you'll find your own ride?"

"No. I'll tell him I have to go." I said. I was glad to be out in the field, but I knew the right thing was to go home with Olivia, even if it was a little early. I knew Murphy was about to send me home as well.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

It was a good day at work for the both of us. I didn't know why I wanted to have sex with Nick so bad, but I did. Ever since the thought had entered my mind that Jack was the last person... I needed Nick. He wasn't ready, and neither was I. We knew it would be ugly whenever we tried, but we still kept trying. We had been having decent nights, even with the one less layer of clothing. We were making progress.

It started off with a kiss. We were already in bed, with half of our clothes off. We kept our hands on each other's face, except to remove our own clothing. We didn't touch each other. "Just get it in me." I whispered. I needed him in me. I needed to be able to know Nick was the last person to be in me. We were laying on our sides, and Nick rolled to his back, and I got on top. He remembered what I had said after the last time about not doing well with lying on my back. I straddled him, and I waited as I kissed him. I felt him near my entrance. My heart started racing. He slipped it inside me. Without any foreplay, and with my injuries that were healed, but still a little tender, it hurt a little bit. _It's just Nick. It's just Nick._ I let myself fall onto him, taking all of him in me. _It's just Nick. _I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did. I started moving my hips, moving up and down on him. It still hurt. _It's just Nick._

"Liv."

_It's just Nick. It's just Nick._

"Liv."

I started going faster, but the pain only increased. _It's just Nick._

"Liv, Stop!"

I froze. _How long had he been saying that?_

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I tried to catch my breath, and I realized tears were streaming down my face, and had already made their way down to my chest. I got off of Nick, and it was covered in blood. I looked down at myself, and it could see the blood starting to leak out. "Oh my gosh. Nick. Oh my- oh my gosh. The baby. Nick. I can't lose the baby. Nick."

"Take a deep breath. Okay? We're going to the ER."

I froze. I couldn't do anything. I laid on the bed, watching the blood spill from me. Nick grabbed me a pair of his sweats, an NYPD t-shirt, underwear, and a pad. "Here."

"I'll ruin your sweats."

"That's why I grabbed these. Come on." He said, and he changed into a similar outfit to mine. I was shaking so bad, I could hardly get my underwear on. Nick helped me stand on one foot for the sweats, since I was so shaken up. He held the t-shirt so all I had to do was stick my hands in the arm holes, and then we were off.

The tears never stopped. "I thought I was too old to have kids. I can't lose her." I cried as he drove me to the hospital. "She's our little baby girl. What if she doesn't make it?"

"You can't think like that. You have to stay positive."

"I'm bleeding from... down there. What else could it be!?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Nick, I'm sorry. It's not your fault." We arrived at the ER, and we both walked up. The waiting room was full, and I just imagined myself bleeding out in the waiting room. We got to the front desk.

"Hello. What's going on?"

I looked at Nick, and pleaded him to tell her. I couldn't say it. "She's pregnant, and she's bleeding from her vagina." He said.

"Okay, they're going to take you right back there, and get your vitals."

They took us to a little room behind the desk, and the weighed me, took my blood pressure, my temperature while the other nurse asked me questions. "Have you had anything like this recently?"

I looked at Nick, begging him to answer. I knew it was hard on him to say the words, but I couldn't. "When she was raped. He scraped her sides, and it continuously bled.

"Okay, is he your husband?"

"Boyfriend." I told her, and she asked him to step outside. I started to get nervous. I didn't know if I could do it without him.

"Now, do you feel safe in your own home?"

"No, that's why I live with Nick."

"Has he ever hurt you?"

"He's not abusive." He had hurt me, but never intentionally. He'd hurt me that night. Well, I sort of hurt myself, but he did have a part in it.

"Olivia."

It hurt. _How did I not see something wasn't right? It hurt so bad._

"Olivia." I jumped. "You can follow Eric here, and he'll take you to a room."

Nick joined me as Eric led me to the back, and gave me a private room. He closed the curtain, and gave me a hospital gown to change into. I had Nick help me with balancing as I pulled my sweats off. I kept my underwear on, even though I probably wasn't supposed to. But, I didn't want the bed to be soaked. I held Nick's hand as Eric entered the room again, and hooked me up to the machine. I jumped when he reached in the gown. I squeezed Nick's hand as hard as I could. I couldn't lose it. He reached around the gown on the left side, and swatted his hand. "Please."

Eric nodded. "Would you like your boyfriend to put it on? Or would you like to do it yourself?"

I looked at Nick. "Nick can do it." I said, and Eric touched me over my gown, where Nick needed to place it, and I didn't jump when Nick put it on. I was so jumpy. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the more invasive parts.

"Fin's calling your phone." Nick told me.

"You answer." I told him. The nurse came in at that time. Nick tried to speak quietly, and the nurse tried to keep my attention, and I tried to listen to both.

"Liv's in the hospital. She had some bleeding."

"So, you're having bleeding in the vaginal region?"

"Yeah. I'm pregnant."

"Worried about the baby."

"You were raped?"

"Yeah."

"You really don't have to come. We got this. Okay. Okay. Bye."

I did not need Fin here. "What?" I said, as I realized the nurse had asked me another question.

"Have you had sex recently?"

"That's why I'm bleeding."

"Did you have any pain during intercourse?"

"Yeah. I thought it was-" The tears started to flow. "It was our first time since the-"

"Since the rape?" She added, and I nodded.

"I'm going to need to examine you. So, if you could scoot to the edge, and put your feet flat on the bed." I first pulled my underwear off, and I saw the pad was already soaked. That wasn't a good sign. I held Nick's hand as I got in the position she asked, but still letting the gown drape over my knees. The nurse lifted the gown over my knees, and I squeezed Nick's hand, earning a squeeze back from him. "Okay, I'm going to need to clean you up to see. You're going to feel me touching you." The nurse said, and I jumped back at the contact, doing everything I could to resist kicking her in the face. "I'm sorry." She apologized.

Then I heard a knock at the room, and the curtain opened, and Eric came in. "Can the patient in 14 eat anything?"

"No. No." I said, backing away from him. I felt the edge of the bed, but I needed to get away. I caught myself as I left the bed, and I stumbled back into the corner. Nick's hand detached from mine.

_Jack was in my room. I could feel it hurting. He was inside me. "No. Stop! Please! It hurts!" I cried, and looked for Nick. I needed his strength. I saw Nick walking straight toward me. "I can't do this."_

"Liv, you need to. For the baby."

_What? I didn't understand. Jack was raping me, and... NO! Jack was trying to get me pregnant. "Get off me! Get off! Stop! Nick help me!" I screamed. _

"Liv, you're safe. You're in the hospital. He's not here."

_Was this a trick?_ I looked around, seeing the nurse staring at me, and another nurse had entered, a security guard, and Eric was there. I remembered what had set me off. "I know. I know, I'm sorry." I said, and I fell into Nick's arms.

"It's okay. You're safe now." He said as he rubbed circles on my back.

"Make them leave." I whispered to him. I didn't need them to see this. I was already embarrassed enough.

"Give us a minute?" Nick asked, and they all left. "It's just us."

"Help me on to the bed?" I asked, and Nick scooped me in him arms, and set me down on the bed. "I didn't need that much help."

"I know. You good?"

"You can let the nurse in."

Nick went out, and got the nurse, and I heard Fin's voice outside. He was begging them to let him in, but they were saying how distraught I was. The nurse entered the room again, and I got back in position. I grasped Nick's hand, as she wiped me down, getting a clear view of it all. "You're going to feel a little pressure, okay?" The nurse told me.

"Ow. Ow. Ow." I squeezed Nick's hand again. He did his best to comfort me. The tears ran down my face. I felt so exposed.

"Liv, you're going great." That was a lie.

The nurse finished up, and told me I could go back to sitting regularly. I wiped the tears from my face as I sat up.

"I think I know what's going on. It seems like your baby shouldn't have been harmed, but we will do an ultrasound just to be sure."

I let out a breath. That was all I was concerned with. "So, what's going on?"

"Did you guys use any lubricant? Was there any build-up to it?"

I shook my head.

"That's what caused it. Your vaginal walls are still a little tender from the rape. It should improve over time, but with no build-up or lubricant, he's too big for your body to handle right now."

"What about the baby? Will I be able to handle having her?"

"I'm not your doctor, so I can't say for sure what she'll do, but you're probably going to have to have a C-section."

"So, what now?"

"We're going to keep you here until the bleeding has subsided. I'm going to see if we can get you an ultrasound right now." The nurse left.

"How are we going to explain this to Fin?" I asked Nick with a half a laugh.

"I guess we just have to tell him like it is, if he really wants to know."

"Can you get him?" I asked, and it didn't take him all of two seconds to bring him in.

"Hey. How you doing?" Fin asked, taking a seat by Nick.

"They said the baby should be fine."

"How are _you _doing?"

"I'm okay." I nodded. I was okay. I was alive. After everything, I was still here. I started to cry again. There's something about hospitals, I think. Nick took my hand.

"So, what happened? What's going on?"

I looked at Nick begging him to tell Fin, but Nick shook his head. I had to do it. I took a deep breath. This was so embarrassing. "Nick's too big for me. Apparently."

"You were having sex?" Fin asked. I nodded. I didn't want to hear his response, but I'm glad I did. "Good for you guys. You've come so far. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you." I told him. His words meant so much. He didn't judge that we were together. He didn't try to tell us it was too soon, or inappropriate. He knew we were dating, and he also knew I wanted to have sex, even though I didn't think I could do it. He knew how much it meant to us, and how big of a step it was. Even if, it wasn't perfect, we were still able to get that far, and it was an accomplishment.

Eric entered the room. "I'm here to take you upstairs for your ultrasound, and for the rest of your time." Eric disconnected me from the monitor and wheeled the bed out of the room, and I wouldn't let go of Nick's hand. We got to a tight turn, and Eric asked Nick to let go of my hand, and he did, but I squeezed his hand as tight as I could.

"Olivia, I'll be right behind you." Nick told me, and wiggled his hand out of my grasp. He didn't let go of my hand at any other time. I didn't know why I was being so clingy to him. I think it was the thought of losing our little girl, made me not want to lose him too.

We finally made it to the room, and I had to switch beds. I was in my gown, and I was still bleeding. There was a pad on the new bed to catch the blood, and I didn't know how I would make it over there without flashing everyone. It wasn't that I wanted to be modest or anything. I completely trusted Fin, and I was fine with the tech, but I had scars, and I didn't want them to see. I wanted to protect them. They didn't need to see me bleeding from down there either.

"Do you want my help, or can you do it on your own?" Eric asked me.

I pulled my legs up so they were hiding under the gown. I had suddenly become self-conscious of the scars. "Can I have some privacy, while I move?"

"Sure." Eric said, and he and Fin walked out, while Nick gave me a look that said 'are you sure?' and then headed toward the door.

"Nick. Stay." I said, and Fin closed the door behind him. I took Nick's hand for leverage as I moved to the new bed. The gown fell in the crease above my thigh, as I lowered myself on the bed. That was the reason I asked the other two to leave. I quickly covered my thighs with the gown after I got seated, and I told Nick he could let the others in. Eric came in to take the other bed, and Fin took a seat in the room. Fin's phone started ringing as soon as he sat down.

"It's Murphy I gotta take it." He said, stepping outside.

I held Nick's hand, hoping everything would be alright. So much for being able to have sex. If it wasn't an emotional inability, it was a physical inability. I hated it so much. Jack took so much from me. He was still controlling me. However, he was no longer the last person to touch me, to be with me. That went to Nick now. If I was never able to have sex for the rest of my life for some reason, I knew, Nick got to be the last person to hold me, to touch me, to be with me. That's all I cared about. "I'm so tired."

"It's been a long day." Nick said. "Hopefully you can get some rest after this."

Fin entered the room. "I have to go. I'll try to make it back tonight."

"Fin, don't worry about me. Nick's taking good care of me."

Fin nodded. "I'm glad. Take care." He said, and left.

As Fin left, the nurse came in the room, and gave me a blanket for my legs, and told me I would have to pull the hospital gown up for the ultra sound. I knew the drill. She left Nick and I alone, and we were able to get me ready without another breakdown. The doctor entered the room, and she wasn't my doctor, since it had been so late at night. She was still reading my chart as she sat in front of me. She finished, and turned her attention to me. "Hi, I'm Doctor James."

"I'm Olivia Benson."

"I know."

"Right. It says it in my file."

"No, you helped me when I was raped. I know you help hundreds of people, I wouldn't expect you to remember me."

"How long ago was this?"

"It was in 2000. I was in college. Forget I even said anything."

"I'm sorry. My mind only lets me go one place these days."

"I get it."

"How are you doing?"

"Great. I'm married, I have two kids. I couldn't be better. I owe a lot of it to you."

I shook my head.

"Okay, let's get back to the ultrasound." She said, becoming uncomfortable. I felt horrible for not knowing who she was, or not being able to say much. All I could really think about was my baby, and if she was still alive. I hadn't felt her move since Nick and I were kissing on the bed. Doctor James started the ultra sound, and I could see my little baby on the screen. "There she is. She's alive and well. Do you want to hear her heartbeat?"

I nodded. Seeing her didn't prove to me she was alive. I needed to hear the proof of life. She turned the volume up on the machine, and her heartbeat sounded strong, throughout the room. The tears filled my eyes, and Nick placed his hand on my shoulder. I looked over at him to see the tears in his eyes as well. I took him in for a hug. "She's okay. We're okay." I whispered to him.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I had been called in to work to look at the security footage from the club Amanda had been at. The owner had told us he knew the picture was a fake, but to keep watching, the next weekend, she was there again. Carisi and I watched Amanda leave with the owner, and then go running in a while later, a mess. We kept an eye on the owner as he came in calmly after her, and whispered to a few men. Then, I came in. Then, I walked out from the restrooms with Amanda. I was surprised Carisi had kept his mouth shut this long.

"She looks like she's a mess."

I thought too soon. "She was pretty messed up." I said, but I felt uncomfortable talking about her without her being there. I fast forwarded it until the time stamp in the corner was the next weekend.

"Woah, stop." Carisi said, and I played it. "Is that her? At that table?"

I zoomed in, and I got a clear picture of her. I shook my head. "There's no way." I said. I watched some guy walk up to her, and they headed outside. She walked in later, adjusting her skirt. I shook my head. The man she was with, went as paid off her debt? Then, Amanda went back to the tables, and started kissing on this boy who couldn't have been out of college. They left together, Amanda waving ten dollars in the air. "Something's not right. I saw her after that night she was assaulted. There's no way she would ever go back there." I got pictures for the surveillance footage, and I stormed out of the precinct to talk to Amanda. I needed to know these guy's names, and see what Amanda had to say.

...

I pounded on Amanda's door, and it took her a while to answer, but she did. "Fin. Did Murphy tell you?"

"Tell me what?" I wanted to see what her story was.

"He's trying to ruin my life. The photo, it's edited! I never would've went back there after what happened..."

"I believe you. I do. It's just, the security footage." I showed her the pictures of her with the two guys, at various times in the night. "Look at the time stamp."

"It's made up! He's setting me up! I wasn't there!"

"Where were you?"

She took a look at the time stamp, and let out a breath. "I was at a GA meeting. I can get you the footage."

"'Manda, what the hell did I watch you doing on the footage?"

"It was altered!"

"I mean, with those guys. You leave with one man, come back adjusting your skirt, and your debt disappears, doesn't it?"

She covered her face. "I know, but I didn't have the money. I didn't have a choice."

"Then, you get it on with a baby kid."

"He was eighteen, it was perfectly legal, and none of your business."

"You had to ask him his age. Did you check his ID?"

"Yeah. I wanted to be sure, he looked so young. I have my downfalls, but I'm not a rapist."

"Why? Why did you feel like you had to do all of that?"

She bit her lip as she looked at the ceiling. She looked back down, closing her eyes as the tears fell. "I got myself in a hole. I couldn't tell anyone, or I'd be fired. I had no one. I needed someone to care about me, even if it was only for a little while, and even if they only cared about my body. The last GA meeting I had went to, I was sent home. You, Nick, and Olivia were all looking out for each other, and no one paid any attention to me. They did." She wiped the tears.

"I never stopped caring. You could've called me, and told me you were struggling, and I would've been over in a second."

"I know. I just couldn't. I'm sorry. I'm done with that life though. I'm getting the money, and I'm gonna pay him back."

"Lemme help you with that. I'll get you 5 grand, but I don't want to see you gambling another cent."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I was in the hospital for two days before they finally sent me back home with Nick. Nick was so great during those days. He helped me so much, and I actually believed we could be a _normal_ family. The nightmares and flashbacks were bad for me during those days, but Nick kept it together. I was so lucky to have him by my side.

* * *

**So, what'd you think? This chapter turned out extra-long because I told myself I couldn't end it until I resolved the Amanda mess, and then they went to the hospital and yada yada you know the story. A review would make me very happy.**


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36!**

* * *

**One and a half months later...**

**Olivia's POV**

The past month we had been taking steps in the right direction. Nick was back at work, and he was doing alright with it. However, Murphy had refused to assign Nick a rape case yet. I had actually told him it was probably a good thing he was doing that, when Murphy asked my opinion. I didn't know if Nick was ready to handle it just yet. He still hadn't told anyone except Amanda about Jack, and he still refused to talk to me about what happened in the prison. I knew it was embarrassing for him, but he needed to deal with it. Any time I tried to ask him about it, he would completely shut down, and wouldn't talk to me at all. I figured it was better to focus on Jack, and get him talking about that first, before we moved to the next thing. He was talking about it more openly with me, and I thought he was ready to tell Fin and Murphy, but he said he needed a little more time, and so I respected that.

Amanda was back at work after her career was almost destroyed by her debt. She almost had the money to pay him off. She had been faithfully attending GA meetings, and we were all proud of her. She was keeping true to her promise.

As for me, I was still struggling with everything. My good days were starting to become more frequent, but I still had those really, really bad days. It was all part of the process though. I had a very noticeable bump by now. She was healthy, and alive, and that's all I cared about. I got looks from people when I would enter the squad room. They all knew I was kidnapped, and also very close with Nick, and I could tell they were trying to decide which it was. I hated that, so I always tried to hide it, but it didn't always want to be hidden.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Nick pulled me in the cribs, and made sure no one was in there first. "I think I'm ready." He said.

"Oh, okay. Wow. I wasn't ready for that. I just-"

"We can do it tomorrow. If you're up for it."

"Yeah. Sure." I didn't want to let him down. I realized what it meant, and I didn't know if I was ready. I knew I had to do it. He was ready. I had five years to be ready. Nick left the cribs, but I took a seat. His reveal was going to be bigger than mine, so I hoped they would ignore me, and focus more on him. I hoped. I went home that night, and I was a complete mess. I laid on my bed, hoping to get some relief, but none came. My phone started ringing, and I answered it, with a pathetic "Hello." I was so embarrassed, I hung up the phone, not caring who was on the other line, or what they had to say. I needed to get away.

I went to a GA meeting, and it helped, but it didn't take away from the fact that I had to tell Fin and Murphy what happen with Patton in the morning. There were only six people who knew, counting myself and Patton. Sam only knew because I needed to be transferred, although, I had told him it was sort of rough, but it wasn't _exactly_ rape. I was scared for my future. I couldn't exactly say I was raped by the Deputy Chief, and expect no backlash. Cragen knew because Sam knew it would get me the job, so he told him he got inappropriately rough with me, and used unethical methods. When Cragen asked me about it, I hinted that it hadn't been entirely consensual, and he had gotten the hint. The only people I had told willingly were Olivia and Nick. I told them because I knew they would understand. Olivia had been through it, and Nick had watched her go through it, but it turned out he had also been through it. I knew Fin and Murphy couldn't come back with "In my experience" or "Me too", and it scared me. I don't know why it scared me so much, it just did.

After the meeting, I went back to my apartment, but there was nothing for me there. I needed an escape. I wanted to gamble. I wanted to get drunk, and not have a single care in the world. I knew if I got drunk, I'd end up at the gambling club. I wanted to do it so bad. But I couldn't. But what if... No. I couldn't. I took a hot shower, and then climbed into bed. But what if... I couldn't. I had to do this. I had to face them the next day, and tell them the truth. It's so much easier when it's someone else's truth. All these years working in special victims, and I couldn't tell my story. For everyone else, I can rattle off the facts as if it's not a huge, life-altering traumatic event. _It's just facts. Why has it been so hard to plainly state the facts of my own assault? It's just facts. It's just words. If I can just get the words out, without breaking down, it'll be okay. I can just pretend I'm talking about someone else. _I laid my head down on my pillow, and I let the tears fall, and soak my pillow, in addition to the wetness my hair had caused it. The tears fell all night, even in my sleep.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

It started to sink in that I was going to tell them, and I couldn't keep it together. I didn't know how they would react. Sure, I knew they'd act supportive, and say the right things, but what would they really be thinking? My thoughts were killing me. I knew Olivia knew something was off because she kept asking me if I was okay. Finally, I told her, "I'm going to tell Fin and Murphy tomorrow."

"That's a really big step. I'm proud of you."

I nodded. I couldn't eat at all. Olivia made me dinner, and I felt so bad to decline, after she had put in the effort, but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold anything down.

I couldn't sleep that night. When I did sleep, I had nightmares. I had three that night. I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

...

As soon as I got to work the next morning, I saw Amanda by the coffee pot, and I joined her. "How was your night?"

"Awful. I still feel sick."

"Me too."

"Well, it's no use putting it off. Everyone's here."

My heart rate accelerated at the thought. "Let's do it." I said. Amanda walked to Fin, and I told Olivia we were going to tell them. I entered Murphy's office first. "I have something I want to say to everyone."

"Come in." He said, and Olivia and I took the couch while Fin and Amanda took the chairs, and Murphy sat in his usual seat behind his desk.

I had my head in my hands as I tried to bring myself together. Olivia started rubbing circles on my back. She knew how hard this was. I brought my face up, and sniffled back the tears. "There's something I need to tell you guys, that I haven't been completely honest about." I said, and took a deep breath before continuing. I felt the sudden seriousness of everyone, and I choked out a laugh as I said "sorry", trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work. I just had to get the words out. I started talking. "Jack didn't just have me there to watch. He- he raped me too." I said it, or at least I think that's what I said. Those were the words I had rehearsed in my head, but I had no idea if they actually came out that way. The tears fell. There was no taking it back. I wanted to run and hide, but I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to look at their faces, I knew it would only make it worse.

**Fin's POV**

I was in complete shock. I had asked Olivia so many times if he had been raped, and she promised he hadn't been. I didn't know what to do, what to say. Everything started to make a little more since though.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." Murphy said, and Nick only nodded.

"We're here for you." I told him.

"Thanks."

I looked over at Amanda who looked nervous, but she wasn't surprised. "You okay?" I asked her. I could sense something was bothering her.

**Amanda's POV**

I hadn't heard a word Nick said. I knew he had told them by the silence in the room, and the way Olivia was comforting him. It was my turn. I couldn't look at anyone when I spoke. "I have something I need to say too." I felt the tears build up as all heads turned to me. "Um, I was transferred here. Because, um, the Deputy Chief in Atlanta... raped me." I tried my hardest to hold back my tears.

**Fin's POV**

This day was full of surprises. I gave Amanda a hug after the confession. Olivia was doing the same for Nick, and Murphy sat, covering his mouth. I didn't know what to do with the information either, but I knew I had to be there. They both needed me. "It's okay, baby girl." I said, and she wiped the tears that barely started to make their way over the brim of her eyes, and sat up straight.

"I'm gonna go." She said, standing up. "I'm proud of you, Nick." She said as she passed him, and left the office.

_Did she know about Nick before this?_

"Hey, you know we don't think any different of you." I told Nick.

"I know. Thanks guys." He said, and he left as well.

I looked over at Olivia. I had so many questions for her. I didn't know where to start. "Why didn't you tell me?" Was the question that fell off my tongue first, without me realizing I had spoken, until after the words had already left my mouth. It sounded more accusatory than I would have liked, but I was lucky to get any words out of my mouth sounding so steady.

"He made me promise not to. I knew it would destroy him, and our relationship if I told. Besides, it wasn't my place to tell. There was a few times I almost told you, but I just couldn't. It felt so wrong."

I nodded. "How are you doing with all of it?"

"I'm alright. He's been doing really well."

"Did Amanda know?" I had to ask. She took the information too well, it almost seemed as if she had planned to tell us with him, so we wouldn't really ask her any questions because we'd be caught up with Nick.

"Yeah." Olivia said. "He told her after she told us she'd been raped."

"So you knew?"

"I knew what happened, and I knew Nick was going to tell you today, but I had no idea about Amanda."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I sat at my desk, staring at my computer screen which was black. I could see my reflection in it. I could see the tears starting, but I quickly wiped them as I saw Carisi walking straight toward me. "Hey."

"Hey." I said.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine." I told him, hoping he would buy it.

"No, you're not. Amanda, what's going on? Something's going on." I shook my head, but Carisi put a hand on my shoulder. "What is it?"

The tears started to come at his concerned touch. "I just told everyone I was raped." I said, knowing he would eventually find out. It was better he heard it from me.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." He said. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yeah, act like you know nothing."

"I can do that." He said, returning to his desk, but he still gave the occasional sympathetic glance.

It was no use staring at my screen, and so I turned on my computer, and got to work.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I answered Fin's questions, and he sure had a lot of them. I knew this was a complete curveball we had all just thrown out there, but it didn't change anything. They were still the same people, it's just, now they knew more about them. I left Murphy's office to go find Nick. I walked out, and when I made eye contact with Amanda, she pointed to the cribs. I walked in there, to find Nick sitting on a bunk. He had tears in his eyes, but he wasn't crying. "Nick."

"I don't want to talk."

"Okay. Then I will." I told him. "I thought that was very brave. What you did..."

He shook his head, and stood up. He began pacing the room. "I shouldn't have told them. They sat there, and they judged me! They acted supportive... but they were really thinking, why weren't you a man? Why couldn't you tell us? Olivia told us, she was strong, she is perfect. You're supposed to be stronger. Why didn't you fight him?"

"Nick."

"Where were your balls? Oh yeah, they were in Jack's mouth!" He shook his head, and slammed his fist into the wall, again and again. I grabbed his wrist, and saw the blood running down his knuckles.

"Nick, stop! Stop beating yourself up over it! You did everything right! Everything you did in those days, were to get the both of us out alive, and we are both still here. You did it. You rescued me. You saved me, Nick. I would have been dead, if you weren't there." I felt his muscles relax in my hand, and I released my grasp. He took me in for a hug, and we both stayed there for a long time.

* * *

**Murphy's POV**

I had never expected all of this to happen when I left for work this morning. I thought only one person in the squad had been raped, turns out half of the squad has been! _Do I send them home for the day?_ That seemed impossible. _Do I keep them all on desk duty?_ That was almost more impossible. I had Fin and Carisi, and if one of them had a confession that day, I'd quit. I decided it was best to not change anything I was doing. They had been raped a long time ago, and they'd been working fine after.

After Olivia left my office, I turned to Fin. "Wow. I did not expect that."

"I get it though. I mean, we work with sex crimes. They didn't want us to think they couldn't handle it."

"Everything is starting to make sense. I should've seen the signs."

"They know the signs, they know how to hide it. Nick had an excuse for everything."

"I'm worried about them."

"They'll be alright, you just gotta trust them." I looked past Fin, looking out my window. I saw Amanda sitting at her desk, talking to Olivia, and Nick taking a seat at his desk.

"Would you trust them with your life?"

"I don't see a reason not to." Fin said, before he got up, and left my office. I watched him join everyone else at their desks. I was at a complete loss for what to do. I ran a hand over my face, and continued about my work. There was nothing else I really could do.

* * *

**Fin's POV**

I joined everyone at our desks, but they all got quiet when I walked up. "'Manda, can I talk to you?" I asked, a little harsher than I planned.

"Yeah." She said, standing from her chair.

I watched as someone walked in the cribs, and there was also a cop getting coffee, so I decided to go into one of the interrogation rooms. I shut the door when we were both in. "What'd you wanna talk about?" She asked.

"You." I told her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." She said, and it was obvious she didn't want to talk about it right then, but I decided to push a little further.

"You don't have to act like it's no big deal."

"Well, it's really not that big a deal. It was five years ago. I mean..." she shrugged. "What can you do?"

"You coulda talked to me."

"And said what? Oh hey, I'm your new partner, and I'm only here because I was raped at the last place I worked. What's your name?"

"I thought we had a stronger friendship than that." I knew she was processing a lot, but it still hurt when she would lash out. "I meant after we became friends, Amanda." I took a breath, hearing it in my voice, in my tone that I was getting upset, and I knew Amanda could hear it too. "You know I woulda been there, right?"

"You were there. Whenever I needed you. When I got drunk, when I would gamble, when I almost got arrested, when I was assaulted... I didn't need to tell you, and pity you into doing all that for me. You _were_ there." She paused, but I didn't have words at the moment. "I hope you're not offended because I couldn- didn't tell you sooner..."

"I'm not. I just feel bad you had to carry the weight of this on your own for so long."

Amanda nodded. "I think I've managed alright."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Nick and I decided to head home early that day. He just wanted to let them take it in, and let it process before they started talking to him about it. He didn't want it to be brought up, and it seemed that's all anyone wanted to talk about. Nick and Amanda, and why I didn't speak up. Murphy tried to convince Amanda to press charges on the deputy chief in Atlanta, but she refused. She didn't want to talk about it, and she didn't want to think about it. She kept saying he was untouchable, and no one would ever back her story. She ended up leaving early as well. There were just so many emotions and questions running through everyone's mind that made it uncomfortable to be sitting there, trying not to break down.

I sat on the couch, with a hand on my belly, and Nick came, and sat down next to me. He placed an arm around me, and I grabbed his other hand. I placed it on my stomach, right where I could feel the baby kicking. He looked at me, tears forming in his eyes. "Do you feel her?" I asked.

Nick nodded at me, tears filling to the brim.

"She's ours." I whispered to him.

"She's perfect." He said, the tears spilling over. Then, he moved so his hand remained on my stomach, but he was facing me, straddling my legs on the couch. He held my face in his hand, and he pulled me in for a kiss. I felt his tongue at my lips, and I parted my lips, allowing myself to fall more in love with the man who was the father of my little baby girl.

We took off most of our clothes before getting in bed. We still continued to do that, every night. This night, Nick couldn't keep his hand off my stomach, waiting to feel the next kick. I thought it was sweet. He hadn't felt her kick before that night. I didn't know why I never allowed him to feel her before then. If I had to guess, I'd say it was because I didn't always want his hands on me. Once one person felt it, it was like everyone else had to feel too, and I didn't want that. I was still jumpy sometimes when people would touch me, especially my belly. I just wanted to protect my daughter.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

We were getting ready for work that next morning, and I was dreading every second of it. I didn't want to go back. I thought maybe Olivia and I could skip work, and just hang out at my house... I knew it wasn't possible, but I still asked her. Of course, she said "no".

The day at work wasn't too bad at all. Everything was back to normal again. Amanda was there, and everyone seemed to almost have forgotten the previous day. It was a relief. We were out in the field most of the day, and I just wanted to be with Olivia, after sharing such a special moment with her the night before, it killed me to be away from her at all.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

We had a long day in the field, and I was just looking forward to going home. Well, more realistically a GA meeting, and then home, but getting out of work was the main point. I got out as soon as I could, just after Nick and Olivia had left. I stepped between my car, and the car next to mine, and that was when I saw him. I had no time to react, before he punched me in the stomach. "Consider this one hundred dollars off your last purchase." He whispered in my ear, while yanking a fistful of my hair. I felt arms come and grab me from behind, and I thought maybe someone had seen, and was trying to help me. However, I could tell soon enough by the hold he had me in, he wasn't there to help. I took a few more punches to the stomach before the man behind me let me fall to the floor, where the two of them kicked me a few times. My head started to spin, and I could see a lot of blood that I believed was coming from my nose, but it really could have been anywhere, I felt like I was about to pass out. I didn't try to fight the darkness, the peacefulness that would be sure to come with unconsciousness, but they stopped kicking me. I could hear him spit, and then I felt it on the back of my head. They ran away after that.

I grabbed the side of my car, and I tried to pull myself up. I was still bleeding, and everything was fuzzy. I was hoping no one would see me like this. I knew I looked bad, and I didn't want to press charges like everyone would suggest. I was finally able to lift my head up, the blood now clearly running from my nose, and running down to my shirt at this point. I lifted my eyes, and I saw Carisi, standing there, looking horrified. I closed my eyes as I let out a breath, trying to brace myself to deal with him.

"Amanda. Are you okay?"

_Do I look okay?_ "I'm fine." I breathed. I tried to wave him off, but before I knew it he was kneeling next to me.

"Hey. You're not fine." He said, and he helped me to my feet. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, feeling the damage of what he had done finally hitting me.

"It's just a bruise. I can take care of myself."

"At least let me take you home?" Carisi offered. I knew I should accept, and so I did. He held one of my hands, as he placed his other hand on my shoulder as he walked me to his car. He opened the door for me.

"Thank you." I said, although I could've done it myself. Carisi ran to his seat, and started driving. I pulled my feet up onto the seat, and held my stomach. My head rested against the car window, and I allowed the blood to fall into my lap. I didn't have the energy to try and stop it. I closed my eyes for a second, and then I realized Carisi had never even asked directions to my house. He wasn't taking me home. "Where are we going?" I asked, trying my best to stay calm.

"The hospital. You need to be seen by a doctor."

"Carisi, really, I'm fine." I said, but I couldn't prove it. My whole body hurt. I just wanted to go home, and lay on my bed. We pulled up to the ER, and Carisi helped me out of the car, not that I really needed it. He walked me up to the front, and I kept telling them I was fine so, they decided I wasn't a trauma patient, and I could wait my turn. After they took my vitals, I sat in the waiting room next to Carisi.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You're turning pale."

"I'm okay." I said as I felt the room fading to black.

"We need some help over here!"

* * *

**Nick's POV**

Olivia and I were having a peaceful night, especially compared to the previous, and I think that's why she thought it was a good idea to bring _it _up. "Nick. Do you think you can talk about what happened while you were in prison?"

"I already told you. Why would you wanna make me say it again?"

"Because I think you're ready. I saw how strong you were, and how brave you were when you told them about Jack."

"Don't bring that up!" I snapped at her.

"I'm sorry, Nick. I didn't mean to upset you." She said, cautiously. I knew she was hoping I wouldn't snap at her again. I just didn't know why she decided to throw that in my face. I did one thing she wanted me to do, and she expected me to jump right to another thing? It wasn't going to happen.

"Then don't ever bring it up again!"

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

I woke up in a hospital bed, and I had an IV in my arm, and Carisi was next to me. "Carisi. What are you still doing here? Go home."

"Not until I know you're alright."

I shook my head. "What's going on?"

"The doctor is going to be in soon to talk to us."

The doctor must have heard him because he walked in just then, as if on cue. "Amanda Rollins. Hi, I'm Doctor Lancaster." He held out his hand, and shook mine.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked. "Why did I pass out?"

"You have a fractured rib, which caused minor internal bleeding, just minor damage, but enough for you to feel the effects. You weigh about 115?" I nodded. "Yeah. They did a lot of damage for someone of your size."

"I can take care of myself." I told him. He only nodded.

"You have a broken nose, a fractured rib, and a partially torn PCL." As if he was telling me I couldn't take care of myself.

"What's that? A PCL?"

"It's one of the three main ligaments that holds your knee together. It doesn't require surgery or anything. Just, no running for six weeks."

I nodded. There went my career. I was such a mess, and the department kept having to clean up after me. They would eventually let me go. I knew they would. "So, when can I get out of here?"

"We'd like to keep you under observation overnight to make sure your internal wounds aren't more serious than we think, but you should get out of here by tomorrow."

I had work. I had to be at work to get the money to pay off my debt, or this was going to happen again. Next time it might get worse. The doctor asked if I had any more questions, and I shook my head, allowing him to leave the room.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but I really think you should consider pressing charges. They really did a number on you."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're in the hospital! He put you here."

"I'm a big girl, Carisi. I can take care of myself. I almost have the money."

"Look, tell me how much it is, and I'll get it to you. Alright?"

"I don't need anyone's help." I told him. I really wanted to accept it, and pay him back at my own pace, but I couldn't use him like that. I'd treated him so horribly, and I didn't want to suddenly change my attitude because I needed something from him.

"Okay. I just don't want you to be in the morgue next time."

I shook my head. "Next time I'll still be in the hospital... having a rape kit done."

"Is that what he told you?" I didn't respond to him. "Amanda?" I didn't want to talk about any of it anymore. "Amanda, did he rape you today?" He asked so gently. He believed it.

I shook my head. I didn't want him thinking any of this was worse than it really was. "When I stopped having sex with him, he said I would pay him back the next day, or I would pay it off his way. I knew what he meant by that. I just keep waiting for it to happen. Every corner I go around, every time I take the elevator alone, but yet, every time I use the stairs, every time I go in my apartment. I'm tired of jumping at every sound. Just, hoping he's not going to be there to rape me."

"Amanda, let me help you with your debt. Please."

"I can't, Carisi. You already have so much student loan debt."

"I don't care. This needs to stop. I will get you the money. Just, tell me how much." He pleaded.

I wanted it to stop, but it seemed like he wanted it even more. I gave in. "I have four thousand left to pay off. I have the rest."

"Okay. I'll get it for you tomorrow."

"I swear, I'll pay it back as soon as I can."

"I just want you safe." He told me, and it meant so much to me.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Nick had stormed out after I asked him about prison. I honestly thought he was ready. My baby was kicking up a storm. She could sense the tension. I hadn't really thought about giving her a name until now. I had sort of put off anything related to the baby. I had nine months to get her everything she needed. But, what she needed most was competent parents, and a steady environment. I was focusing on mine and Nick's mental health first. The baby, we could buy her what she needed the night before. I wasn't too concerned with it. It wasn't like she would remember if her room didn't have little animals everywhere. I would get her all set up when she was here. Of course, I would start to buy some stuff at the beginning of my third trimester. I had brought it up to Nick, that we could give each other baby stuff for Christmas, and he seemed on board with that idea.

Nick came back in the living room, and sat down beside me. I didn't know whether he was going to tell me he'd been hiding something, or tell me what happen, or what. His expression was scared. "Um, Liv, can we focus on what Jack did first?"

"Yeah. Of course. I didn't mean to push you." I told him.

"Then, I need you to be completely honest with me right now."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"What happened while I was passed out?"

He asked it. I knew he would eventually. I was hoping he'd forget, but he didn't. My face burned a bright red. I didn't want to talk about it. "Nick…"

"No, that's not fair. I told you everything that happened to me, no matter how humiliating it was for me. It's your turn now."

I shook my head. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he was right. I owed him this. My tears fell from my eyes, and I didn't even bother to wipe them. "Well..." I couldn't do this. I paused for a long time, allowing many seconds to come and go. Until, I could finally gain the courage to begin to tell him. "You passed out in the bathroom, and first, he shaved me. Then, he dragged you back into the room." I hadn't even bothered to think about it since the escape. I would give anything to forget it. "He made me redress you."

"I'm sorry, Liv."

That wasn't the worst of it. "Then, he handcuffed me to the bed."

"He didn't make you do anything else with me?"

"No."

He let out a breath, as if it was a good thing, what Jack did. "He climbed on the bed..."

"Liv, you know you could have told me."

"I'm not done." I took a breath. "He raped me, again. Then, when he pulled out, he stuck his fingers... He made me come. Over, and over. I tried to squirm away, but my body kept reacting. I lost all control. I squirted, Nick. I've never done that before! He was so happy... I gave him exactly what he wanted. He kept going, and asking me if I was enjoying it. I said no when he continued to ask, and he kneed me... there. Then, he continued, and asked me if I was enjoying it again. I told him I was as I felt my body giving in again, hoping he'd stop. He just smiled. He went on for what seemed like forever. Then, he licked it all up, and told me he knew it was the best sex I had ever had, and would ever have. As soon as he left, you woke up. That's why I didn't want to talk about it." I said it. He knew everything. He knew more details than I would ever tell anyone else. I waited for a response. I knew it wouldn't really change things between us. He has stuck by me through everything. I was just hoping he wasn't mad that I had kept this hidden while he told me everything.

"I'm sorry he did that. He's lucky he's dead." He shook his head. He placed an arm around me, and I fell into his lap. I never wanted to move. It felt so perfect, laying there with nothing to worry about. He accepted me, even with everything I had been through, everything we had been through. He laid a hand on my belly, and I felt her start to kick. "What are we gonna tell her?" He asked me. I knew it was about the fact that we were kidnapped, and forced to have sex, and that was how she came to be. We both knew we couldn't tell her that.

"We can tell her, her mom and dad love each other very much. That she has two great parents, who love her." It was the truth.

* * *

**So, what'd you think?**


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

Eventually, Nick and I ended up cuddling on the couch. He held a hand under my shirt, pressed against the skin of my stomach. Our daughter decided to make a kicking frenzy out of it, which I was okay with because, I knew how much Nick enjoyed it.

She finally calmed down, and Nick leaned over to kiss me. The pregnancy hormones started to get the best of me. I remembered last time we had tried, about a month and a half ago. I knew I wasn't ready for him yet, but I needed something from him. I deepened the kiss, and I think he got the hint. We both removed our pants and shirts as we got more aggressive with the kisses. He found that spot on my neck that drove me crazy, and planted endless kisses there. I would've done anything to have him in that moment.

We both knew I wasn't ready for him in me yet, but we would make do with what we could do. He slipped a hand in my underwear, and I felt a sense of euphoria wash over me.

**Nick's POV**

I could tell she was enjoying it by the quiet "Nick" she would whisper. Then, she took the lead, and moved her hands over my body, and reached down my boxers.

_It's Olivia. You love her._

She slowly slid my boxers down my legs, and looked at me for permission. "You good?" She asked when I offered no response.

"Yeah." I said, and I closed my eyes for a half a second.

_Jack took me in his mouth, and I waited there, tense, waiting to feel his teeth clamp down. He was making me... oh, why did it feel so good? I'm not supposed to be attracted to him. I realized I wasn't restrained, and I wondered why I couldn't fight. Then, my erection filled his mouth, and I knew he would bite down soon. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited... Instead, I felt him withdraw completely. _

I opened my eyes, and realized I was in my own house. I was there, on my living room couch, with my boxers around my ankles, and no one else in sight. I sat up confused.

"Liv?" I called out, and I heard a faint noise coming from the bathroom. I pulled my boxers up, and headed over to her. I was still mildly confused about what was going on. Maybe it was only a dream? But why had my boxers been down? Had someone come in and assaulted me? Us? The bathroom door was slightly open, and I lightly pushed it the rest of the way.

I immediately knelt down by Olivia who was heaving into the bowl. The tears were running down her face, and dropping into the bowl as well. I placed a hand on her semi-bare back. She was wearing nothing but a bra and underwear. It made her belly look especially larger, and cuter.

She started crying harder immediately at the contact, and hid her face away from me.

"Liv." I couldn't think of what else to say. Were there really any words? I had caught onto what had happened when I saw her form hunched over the toilet, shaking and scared.

She wouldn't look at me, she wouldn't acknowledge me for minutes as I sat there, helplessly watching her cry into the toilet bowl. The heaving had stopped, but she didn't make any attempt to move away. She just cried. I just watched.

After some long minutes, she picked her head up, and turned just a little bit so she could land her head on my chest. I held her. I held her like I would never let her go. It had been hard to watch her break down in front of me, and it took everything I had not to make her turn away from the toilet, and look to me for comfort, but I waited her out. I finally got the chance to give her the comfort I had been dying to give her, and I never wanted her to let go of me. I never wanted to let go of her. I needed her as much as she had needed me in that moment. I had mistaken her for Jack, and I could only hope I didn't say or do anything that had hurt her in any way. I held her so maybe she would forgive me if I had done something. "It's okay, Liv. It's okay." I whispered in her ear, hoping it would provide her even the smallest sense of comfort, of relief. She cried on my bare chest. I could feel the hot tears falling from her eyes on my bare chest. Like, when... _No. Don't go there. Not now._ _She needs you_. "Liv." She sat up. I tried to think of another excuse, anything but the truth, but I couldn't. "I'm sorry."

"For what? I don't blame you for liking having sex with me... I'm sorry I couldn't handle it."

_Oh good. She thinks this is about her freaking out. I didn't do anything to hurt her._ I was so relieved, and then I felt guilty for being relieved. I was so selfish. "No, Liv. Don't ever be sorry for that. If you ever, ever need to stop, no matter how close I am, no matter if I'm telling you to continue, you can stop. Please, stop, if you're ever doubting it's me. If you don't want to continue, I don't want you too either. Okay? I won't be mad at you, but you have to stop, and just tell me what's going on. I'll understand."

She nodded, wiping the tears. "I think I'm ready now."

"Tonight?" I asked.

She nodded. "Thanks."

I gave her a half smile. I knew she was thanking me for the speech. I really needed to listen to my own words. I knew she would understand too, but I wanted to do this. No matter how scared I was, it felt good, and I didn't want her to stop. I just wanted to know it was her the whole time. I didn't know if I could do this now, but I had to try. Olivia brushed her teeth, and I went on the bed to wait for her.

When she returned, she laid down next to me, laying kisses on my lips. "You ready?" She asked, seductively.

_No._ I thought, but I tried to say I was, but no words fell from my mouth. _All you have to say is 'yes' and you just have to lay there. It wouldn't be the truth though..._

"Nick, are you okay?"

"I'm scared, Liv." I told her. The words fell, and I couldn't stop them. They were the truth, but I never planned on admitting it.

"Of what, honey?"

I took a deep breath. I had opened this door... "I'm scared I can't tell the difference between you... and him."

"Nick, if you want me to stop, all you have to do is tell me. Nick, I don't want to hurt you so, if you don't want to do it right now, just say so. I'm doing it for you, because I thought you wanted it."

"No, I do, I want to."

"Okay. Tell me if you want me to stop, okay."

I nodded, and held my breath, waiting to feel her.

**Olivia's POV**

I couldn't tell with him, whether he was okay or not. He said one thing one minute, and another the next. His body language telling another story of its own. He had told me he was scared, and I thought we should call it a night, and forget about it for a while. Then, he said he was fine, and I didn't want to say I didn't believe him. I thought about faking a flashback, but I thought that would just be insulting to him, and to everyone else who had ever had one. For someone to fake such a horrible incident. I just had to trust him, that's all I could do. I pushed his boxers down, and I started stroking him with my hand first, making sure he was okay with that before I moved on. I licked him first, and then put the tip in my mouth. His breathing sped up, and I took a hold of his hand that was desperately searching for something to grab. It was clammy, and shaking terribly. I couldn't do this to him.

"Liv. Can you stop? Please?"

I listened immediately. I would have stopped anyways.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You're allowed to not want it. You're allowed to be scared. Don't apologize for it."

"I know, it's just-"

"What, Nick?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

I thought I knew what it was about, so I tried to push a little bit. "What happened while you were in prison?"

I saw his face drain of all color. "Nothing."

"Did they-?" He didn't respond. "Jack only bit down. He didn't do anything else with his mouth. This is about what happened in the prison, isn't it?" I asked compassionately.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"I think you should though." I tried to push, but I knew if he told me he didn't want to talk again, I'd let it go.

"They did it, okay. All of them. As soon as I started think about them, I told you to stop. Okay? Please, don't make me explain myself anymore. I told you to stop because I didn't want to. I never asked you why, when you pushed me off you..."

"I know, you're right. I'm sorry. I just want to understand. I want to help you."

"What would help me, is if you stopped asking me about it. I'll tell you when I'm ready. I promise I will."

"Okay. I'm sorry." I knew he was right, I shouldn't have pushed him.

"Thank you." He said, and pulled me in for a hug. I felt him become hard again as I brushed up against him on accident. He didn't seem to care, and I buried my face in his chest.

I didn't care that he was scared to have sex with me, that he'd been raped. Most women would've turned their back, and I don't understand how. I could never live without his warmth and the comfort he gave. I didn't want to live without him.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Carisi still hadn't left my side. It was the middle of the night, and I had fallen asleep for a few hours, but I had been woken up by a nurse entering the room, and I couldn't seem to go back to sleep. I looked over at Carisi, who wore a tired expression on his face, it was evident he'd fallen asleep with me for a few hours. "Go home. You've done too much for me already."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't be sure you're safe."

"Carisi, it's a hospital. I'm safe. I'm gonna pay him back as soon as I get outta here."

"Yeah, and I'm going with you."

"No, you're not. I'm not some scared victim who needs protecting, Carisi. I can handle it."

"Just like you handled it today?" He asked, and I knew he was right. I couldn't handle them. I didn't fight back. I was... scared.

"I don't want a body guard. I don't want him to think I'm afraid of him because, I'm not. I already overpowered him once, and that's why he's sending other people now to make my life hell. I want to show him I don't need other people. I can handle him on my own."

"At least let me take you?"

"If you really want to... you can stay in the car."

"I really want to."

I didn't understand why he cared so much about me, and about my safety. We hadn't known each other that long, and I had been nothing but rude to him. It made me want to take back some of the things I said, but I couldn't. All I could do was try and be nice, and show how grateful I was for the $4,000 loan he was going to give me. I never wanted to ask him for that kind of money, but he had offered, and I knew I had to accept it. I knew Carisi was right, I could end up in the morgue the next time. "You know you have to work tomorrow, right? You're going to be in the field, and can't watch over me like this."

"Yeah, but Benson will be there. So will Murphy, probably. I trust them."

"Tomorrow after work, will you take me to pay my debt?"

"Yeah. I can get the money before then, and I'll drive you."

There was no backing out now. I had to face _him_ tomorrow. The one who had put me in this hospital bed. I just hoped they'd send me home with enough pain killers so, he couldn't tell he had actually hurt me in any way. I just wanted to prove I was stronger than him.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

We woke up the next morning, and I hadn't realized I never pulled my boxers up until, I started to panic when I felt her leg against it. I jumped up from my sleep, and she looked at me, startled. "I'm sorry." I said, and pulled my boxers up around my waist. "I didn't mean to wake you up." I gave her a kiss to the forehead, and she snuggled up on my chest, and never said a word.

I looked at the clock on the bedside. We needed to get up. I did not want to ever move from this position, my arms wrapped around her as she laid her head on my chest. It felt so right, so natural. Being on time to work just, didn't seem worth it. However, I knew we didn't have much of a choice. "Honey, Liv. It's time for us to get up. We have work."

"mmm." She moaned, brushing her hand over her face.

"Liv. We don't want to be late again."

"But, I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

We had arrived on time, thanks to Nick all but dragging me out of bed. I sat at my desk, barely keeping my eyes open. We had been up so late talking that night, we had lost all sense of time.

So much for us making it on time. Fin was the only one in the squad room, and the light was on in Murphy's office, but he hadn't come out at all. About a half an hour late, Amanda came limping in, with Carisi by her side. "Amanda, let me help you get to your desk."

"I'm fine, Carisi."

"'Manda, what happen?" Fin asked, while rushing to her side.

"Can we just get everyone together, so I don't have to repeat myself?"

"Why don't we go in Murphy's office?" I suggested.

All of us stood at the door, when I opened it after he said "come in." I knew he was thinking we were going to have another talk about someone in the squad being raped, and I wasn't so sure we wouldn't be having that talk. Amanda was limping badly, and I could see a faint bruise, trying to be hidden by makeup on her face.

We filed in his office, and he noticed Amanda's appearance immediately. "Amanda."

"I know, I want everyone to hear it at the same time."

"Doc. said she should keep her leg elevated." Carisi added, and we cleared the couch for her to sit on. Carisi stood, while the others took the remaining chairs, and I sat partially on Murphy's desk.

_Why does Carisi know what is going on?_ Was really my only thought before she began talking.

"Yesterday, I was, walking to my car, right here outside. When, I was attacked, by two men. One of them held me, while the other beat me up. They threw me to the ground, kicked me. I sustained a broken rib, broken nose, and a partially torn PCL. That was the extent of my injuries, and I am ready to accept desk duty for six weeks."

"Rollins, take the day off." Murphy said, almost sounding irritated.

"I don't need the day off, I'm here. I'm fine." Those words rolled off her tongue so easily, and so often, I wondered if they even meant anything to her anymore, or if it was just something she said out of reflex, like it was for me.

Murphy sighed. "Then, get to work."

It was obvious he was worn out by us. Every day someone came in unable to work, or with some big news, or someone was trying to get them fired. Every day Murphy had to clean up after us, and explain why we were short staffed, and yet still had the same amount of people on the pay roll. We couldn't help that we all had insane stuff going on in our lives, happening to us. I decided to stay back to talk to him, see where his head was at.

"Everything alright?" I asked him once everyone had left.

"I don't know. When's that baby coming? I need you on the street."

I smiled. "Not for a while. You gonna get by without me?"

"1PP is on my ass, constantly. They want me to hire new detectives. I have two solid detectives, right now, that's the truth."

"Tell them to go to hell! Do they know the circumstances? Amaro, Rollins, AND I were all attacked. We didn't choose this. You think I wouldn't be out on the street right now if I could be?"

"I know. That's what I keep telling them. The reality is, we're not getting results, we're getting backed up."

"Give the ones involving a dead victim to homicide, if there's drugs of any sort, give it to narcotics, give the older ones to cold case!"

"I need you to do interrogations, take walk-in statements, witness statements, anything you can without leaving the precinct."

"I'll do whatever you need me to, Lieutenant. I'm sure Rollins will too." I told him.

"Great."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Carisi and Fin walked by my side all the way to my desk, despite me telling them I was okay the entire way. Carisi pulled up a chair for me to put my foot on, and Fin ran to get me some ice for my knee. It was extremely swollen, and it hurt to move it if I kept it still for too long, but it felt completely fine, just as if nothing was wrong, when I didn't move it.

I just wanted the day to be over, but at the same time, I never wanted the day to end. I didn't want to face him today after work. I would have to take that dreaded ride with Carisi down to the gambling club, the place I had been assaulted, the place I had lost my entire life savings and then some. I never thought I would be able to return back there, but I had to go back. I had no choice. It was that, or the morgue. Fin returned with the ice, and I thanked him, but I couldn't help but to feel completely helpless.

Toward the end of the day, Fin, Amaro, Carisi, and even Murphy had been out, and it was just me and Olivia holding down the fort. A young girl came stumbling in, and I wasn't sure what we were going to do. Olivia nearly had a complete breakdown last time she had tried to talk to a victim, and I knew she was going to insist that I take it easy.

I stood up, but Benson did as well. She rushed to her side, and I tried to catch up. "Hey, are you okay?" Benson asked.

The girl shook her head. "I need... to, uh, speak to a detective?"

"I'm Sergeant Benson. Why don't we come on over here?" She led her to one of the rooms, and waited for me to join them before she closed the door

**Olivia's POV**

Rollins and I sat at the table with the girl who told us her name was Talia. "Talia, this is Detective Rollins. So, can you tell us why you came here today?"

She sat for a long time, staring at her lap, and fidgeting with her hands. Rollins and I exchanged glances, knowing we were probably going to be here for a while. "Um... I... I'm not supposed to be here."

"Okay, why not?"

"He said if I told..."

"Talia, we can keep you safe, but you have to tell us what happened, okay?" I'm sure she didn't believe that. I was visibly pregnant, and Rollins had a very noticeable limp, and a bruise around her eye. Why would she trust us, when we were clearly incapable of even protecting our own selves?

She nodded. "I'm being raped in my home. It started when I was eleven."

"How old are you now?"

"I'm sixteen. I tried to work up the courage to tell my mom at first. Then, she walked in on it, and she didn't do anything. I started to think it was normal. Then, one time I had to be taken to the hospital... they told me I couldn't tell anyone or I'd be taken away. I want to be taken away though. I started looking it up online, and I realized it was a crime."

"You did the right thing."

Talia looked at my belly. "How far along are you?"

"22 weeks." I said, and happy about it for the first time.

"Aww. I love babies. I have a baby sister. She always does the cutest things. Are you excited to have a baby?"

"You know uh-" Rollins started in, trying to spare me from talking about it.

"-Well, yeah, I am. But let's get back to you."

"I already told you everything."

"What are your parents' names? What's your address?" Rollins asked.

Talia took a breath to talk, and then Murphy came in the door. "What are you doing?" He hadn't expected anyone to be in there.

"Lieutenant, we're just taking her statement." I said, trying to see that he got the hint to leave.

"Rollins, go home."

"Lieutenant?"

"Now, Rollins."

"Yes, sir." She said, and limped out of the room. I just sat there in shock for a few seconds, trying to understand what was going on.

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know." I said, and returned to taking her statement.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

"Why'd you pull me out?" I asked as soon as the door was shut.

"I got a call from the hospital today. They couldn't reach you at home, so they called the precinct. They said they told you to be at home resting, because there was internal bleeding."

"It's fine. They said I was fine."

"Not to go to work, though."

"Why were they calling me anyways?"

"Apparently it's a routine to check up on their patients. Now, I don't want any more arguments. Go home."

I knew he was right, and I told Carisi I'd wait for him to pick me up later, and I went home.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

I walked out of the room, and Murphy was still talking to Rollins. I saw Nick standing there, so I started to tell him what was going on with the victim. "Liv, I- I need to go home."

"Is everything alright?"

"I don't know."

"Okay, let me just tell Murphy what's going on, and we can get out of here."

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Carisi pulled up to my house about an hour after I had got there. I had almost made it to the end of the work day. I changed into some nicer looking clothes, took my pain reliever, and answered the door for Carisi.

"Wow. You look great."

"Maybe it'll make up for the way I'm feeling."

"Are you ready to do this?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, and I have the money for you."

"Thank you so much. I swear, I will pay every bit of it back."

"I know, I'm not worried. Let's go." He said, and I got into his car. We rode silently to the club, and I had to tell him directions. I contemplated telling him to turn the wrong way a couple times, when I felt the anxiety building up, but I resisted the urge. We pulled up in the parking lot. I took a deep breath. My hands were trembling, but I tried to hide it the best I could. We had arrived.

"I'll be right back."

"Hey, let me come in. I'll wait at the door, just- just as a precaution. I want to make sure you're safe."

"Okay, but don't jump in, whatever you do. He can get a little touchy, but unless I make eye contact with you, don't try to rescue me."

"Got it."

We both got out of the car, and as we got closer, we could hear two people getting it done in the alley. I had no right to judge though, just a couple months ago, that had been me. We walked in, and I was met with that familiar scent of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Carisi stood by the door as promised, and I walked up to the owner, when I saw him standing there with his crew. The two men he had sent to beat me up.

"I'm sorry. We don't give service to those who don't pay their debts."

"That's why I came." I handed him the envelope. "It's all there."

He took it, and looked through it. He took it out, and slowly counted it in front of me, seeing for himself it was in fact, all there. He gave the envelope to one of his people, and then turned to me. "You know, I was sort of hoping we could finish what we started." He said, and placed a hand on my waist. I could feel Carisi seething from the door, all the way where I stood, with my back to him.

"You know, that's why I brought you the money. So, I wouldn't have to do that."

"Yeah, but things change. You look so hot right now." He said, and pressed my body against his. I wasn't going to let this get to me. He couldn't assault me in front of all these people. If he wanted to rape me right there, I'd let it happen, just so he could go to prison. However, I was so incredibly thankful Carisi was there, waiting for me. If the owner wanted to bring me into the back room, or the alley, I could shoot him a look, and he would come to my rescue. I knew I couldn't handle him on my own, but I did a pretty good job at pretending, I thought.

"You need to get your hands off me."

"Or what?" He grabbed my wrist, and forced my hand to grab him. "Can't you see how turned on I am? Remember when you put me in your mouth... and you took all of me, and swallowed... it felt so good, and you enjoyed it." I could feel it, and he held my hand on him as he grew harder. "I bet you're getting wet just feeling it. He let go of my hand, and started to reach up my skirt. I knew I shouldn't have worn a skirt, but I wanted to look put together. I pushed his hand away, but he tried it again, and I pushed him away again.

"Stop."

"Come on baby, let's just go in the back."

"You have hundreds of girls that come through here, why do you want me?"

"I never leave anything half done. I didn't get to finish the job." He whispered in my ear.

"And it's gonna stay that way."

"At least have a drink with me?"

"No. I have to go." I said, and I turned around. He pulled my wrist, and turned me to face him, wrapping his arm around my waist, and the other one holding the back of my head. He kissed me, forcing his tongue down my throat, and I searched for Carisi, but my back was completely to him. I shoved him as hard as I possibly could. He broke the kiss, and I back up. "If you come near me again, I'll report you." I said, and walked out as fast as I could. Carisi followed me out, and we sat in silence in the parking lot.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Let's just go."

He started the car, and peeled out of the parking lot. "He assaulted you."

"Oh really? I didn't know that." I said, and I regretted how bitter I sounded.

"I'm serious. Do you know how hard that was for me to watch, and not go running over there?"

"Well, thank you for staying put." I told him.

"Did he touch you? I mean, I saw him trying... did he?"

I sat there, not wanting to talk about it, but I knew he would take it as a 'yes' if I didn't respond. "No. Can we drop it? I'm fine."

"Okay." He said, and he took me to my apartment.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

The second Nick and I arrived at his house, he darted for the bathroom, and spewed vomit into the bowl. I kneeled beside him, and rubbed circles on his back. He continued heaving into the bowl, even after he had nothing left in his stomach. It finally eased up, and he sat on the floor.

"What's going on, Nick?" There were tears in his eyes. He looked terrified. "What is it?" I asked compassionately.

"We sent a rape victim to prison today. He's scared of it happening again. I know he raped his girlfriend, but..."

"Nick, there's nothing you can do."

"He's gonna kill himself."

"It's not your fault, if he does." I tried to comfort him, but he was right, he probably would kill himself, but there wasn't really anything we could do about it. It was the cold hard truth, and neither one of us liked it, but we couldn't not send him to jail, just because he was raped. He committed a crime, and he had to be punished. He didn't deserve to be punished by the other inmates as well, but that was the way the system worked, no matter how much we hated it, or spoke out against it, it still remained the same.

"I can't do this job anymore, Liv. I can't. I've been through the system, and I know how rough it is in there, and I can't keep sending people there."

"What about the men who attacked you? You don't think they deserve to be in there? They could've been raped, and they decided to rape other inmates, so they wouldn't be the victim again."

"I don't know."

"They raped you, they deserve to be in jail."

"What about me?"

"You didn't deserve that."

"How many others like me have we thrown in there?"

"You're a good cop, Nick. You don't go around, throwing innocent people in jail."

He got up off the floor, shaking his head. He rinsed his mouth, and brushed his teeth. He still didn't look well, and I followed him, and sat down on his bed with him. I could tell it was eating him alive, but there was so much more than what he was saying. "What happened to you in prison?"

"I told you, already."

"Nick. You've never told me the whole story." I said, and placed my hand on his thigh.

He looked away from me, and I tried to find his eyes, but they were off somewhere in the distance. I sat there for a long time, just hoping he would find the strength. He finally took a deep, shaky breath, and shook his head. "I had my eyes closed. They pulled me from my cot." He took another deep and shaky breath. I realized he was going to tell me everything and I prepared myself to hear the worst. "They took my pants off, and my shirt, and threw them across the cell. They started saying how someone else had got there first when they saw the bruises, and everything. They were laughing, and calling me stuff while they kicked and punched me." He wiped a tear as one fell. "Two of them did it with their mouths, and the other one forced my hand on him. The fourth kept my wrists pinned above my head. My body started to react, and it got in his mouth." He held his head in his hands, I could tell he was trying to be strong.

"It's okay, Nick. What happen next?"

"He spit it in my mouth, and he held a hand over my mouth and nose until I swallowed it. He told me only fags swallow a man's cum. Then, they flipped me over, and they each took their turn. The one who was holding my arms the whole time, they gave him a turn. He put a few fingers in me, but he put me in his mouth, and I wanted to die, but I just kept telling him I liked it. If it got in his mouth, he'd spit it on me, but sometimes he'd spit in my mouth, and make me swallow. He just kept going. I came like four times for him. The others were laughing, and getting themselves off, getting it all over me. It went on for hours. When they finally left, I crawled over, and put my clothes on. I just wanted to die."

"Nick, to be able to overcome something like that... you are so strong."

"I can't even look at myself anymore. I'm disgusting."

"You are not. You're my boyfriend. I love you."

"I love you too." He said, and he wrapped an arm around me, and the other hand he placed on my belly, still in awe of the little one in there.

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**Now you know! What'd you think of this chapter? Please leave a review with any thoughts, comments, or suggestions. **


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38. Alright this chapter is probably one of the happiest yet. Just full of so much love... alright that's all I'm gonna say.**

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**Amanda's POV**

When we arrived at my apartment, Carisi insisted on helping me to my apartment, and when we got there, he went inside with me, and I didn't stop him. I liked having him there.

"Sit down, Amanda, let me get you some ice."

"You've really done more than enough for me."

"You deserve it. I bet you've never had anyone take care of you. You're so busy always taking care of everybody else."

"That is true." I said, and I took a seat on the couch, and elevated my leg. It hurt so badly. That was half of the reason I hadn't put up more of a fight earlier that night, it was because, I didn't want him to see me limping, and his sudden movements sent a wave of dull pain all over my entire knee. Carisi put the bag of ice on my swollen knee, and took a seat next to my foot. He was so gentle, and he cared so much. Tears came to my eyes, and I did everything I could to blink them away, but he still noticed.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Thank you. I've just never had anyone take care of me like this."

"It's my pleasure." He said, making me not feel like a burden.

"Can you stay?"

"Yeah, of course, but are you sure? I mean, you've been telling me to leave you alone since I was hired at SVU."

I let out a quiet laugh. "Yeah. I like having you here." I admitted. He smiled at my words, and I could tell he liked being here too. We talked a lot that night, I told him about Atlanta, and what exactly happened. I just felt comfortable talking to him. He didn't see me as weak, he didn't tell me to get counselling, he just listened. He was so concerned about me, something I wasn't used to, but I liked it. I told him about my gambling, and all the stuff I'd rather forget. He knew most of it already, he just didn't know the extent of it. He gave me some advice, and ensured me he would always be there for me.

He treated me perfectly. Not like a victim, but like a friend who was just there because they wanted to be. I knew I would probably never be able to repay him for everything he had done for me, but I would try.

* * *

**Nick's POV**

I told her. She knew absolutely everything about what had happened. I remained with my arm around her, and my hand still on her little bump. I found it hard to believe we would have a baby in a matter of months. A baby. It was something so innocent, so beautiful. The complete opposite of the way it had been conceived.

_She was already so defeated. Jack had spent the last five days coming in, and raping one of us each day. It was the sixth day for me, seventh for her. "Do her." He spoke in a voice that sounded like the devil's. I never heard anything worse in my life. I had been called many hateful things, and some of them being the harsh truth, but none of them would ever haunt me like those two words would. I didn't think I could do it. _

_I looked over at her, and I could see her nod. "It's okay." _

_I had been going for a long while, trying to be careful not to hurt her, but everything I did was hurting her, I knew it. I could see the dead look in her eyes as I was penetrating her. That's not how I wanted her to feel. She was in pain. Tears were in her eyes, and it wasn't from joy. I wanted to stop. I wanted to get off her, and tell her I was sorry, to comfort her, and ensure her I wouldn't ever let Jack hurt her. But, I was the one hurting her. Her eyes were the same as they were when Jack was raping her. Her body finally started to cave, and I could tell it was hurting her. She wasn't moaning in pleasure, she was moaning in pain, and squeezing my hand, but I couldn't stop. She was telling me to stop, but I had to get myself off so Jack was satisfied. _

_I took my free hand, and I tried to get myself off, and it worked. I came inside of her, although I tried to pull out quickly. I was trying to be respectful, knowing I wasn't wearing a condom, and I didn't want a child to be conceived in that way. I knew she didn't want a child in that way either. _... Or so I thought.

I looked at Olivia's calm, and sleeping face, feeling so comfortable with me. I didn't know how I managed to gain her trust back after what I had done, but I was glad I had her. I was glad she wasn't going to kick me out of our daughter's life because of what I had done, and what I had seen. There were so many reasons she had to hate me, and to not be able to look at me again, but somehow she was able to put all those reasons aside, and she was there for me. She cared about me, in a way no one else ever had before. Life got hard, and she knew that. She wasn't going to back down, ever. She was fighter, and I knew she would fight for our relationship, if I would, if things ever got too overwhelming for us. She didn't let go of things she loved, and I knew it was up to me to ensure we were going to work.

...

The next morning was the best I had felt in a long time. There was an immense amount of pressure that had been lifted off me. It was like those Claritin commercials, when the blurriness goes away, and you're finally able to see everything normally. It was like I was able to see my life becoming normal. It was as if I had a _chance_ to be normal. I could be a father. Yes, I was already a father, but I had a chance to do right by Olivia, and be a great father to this kid. I was going to be there every step of the way. I had done right by Zara, until Maria and I got a divorce, and she moved her all the way across the country. Then, there was Gil. I didn't even know he had existed until he was already practically grown. I had missed out on so much of his life. I wasn't going to do the same to this baby girl.

I gave Olivia a kiss before I got out of bed, and went to make her some breakfast. I just wanted to show her how incredibly grateful I was that I had her in my life. I never could've survived any of it without her. I didn't know how she managed to stay strong for both me and herself, but I was so incredibly blessed to have her.

She walked into the kitchen just before I finished making up the breakfast, and she took a seat at the bar stools. "That smells amazing."

"I just figured it was the least I could do. I mean, after everything you've done for me, it's only right."

I could tell she knew what I meant, and I was glad she didn't push me to talk about it anymore. I had got it off my chest. That was all I needed. I was doing great. I served up two plates, and I took a seat next to her as I sat the plates in front of us. "Thank you for everything, Liv. I'm so lucky to have you."

She smiled shyly at my words. "Nick, you're amazing. I would never want anyone else."

We ate breakfast, and talked, and I told her I was going to take her out to dinner that night. We hadn't ever been out to dinner together before, besides with the entire squad. Those times didn't count. I was going to do it right this time.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

He never left my side the entire night. My knee was feeling a lot better in the morning. It was still quite a bit sore, but it would allow me to move a lot better than I had been able to before. I continued to ice it throughout the day, and Carisi would continue to go back and forth, fetching me an ice pack like an obedient puppy. It was really cute. He kept track of the time, when it was time to ice, and when it was time to take the ice off. It was feeling fine by the end of the day, and I told him I could take Frannie for a walk, but he insisted he would do it for me, and that I get my rest. I allowed him to take her, they needed their bonding time together anyways.

I loved watching him interact with Frannie. She was my baby girl, and if she approved of him, that meant I did too.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"Carisi, you're only going to be gone a few minutes, I'll be fine."

"Okay. How long is it going to be before you call me Sonny?"

"I dunno, I just think Carisi suits you better. Do you want me to call you Sonny?"

"I dunno, do you want me to want you to call me Sonny?"

I laughed. "Are you takin Frannie for a walk, or not?"

"I'm going. By Amanda."

"Bye Sonny." I said. He smiled with a laugh before he shut the door behind him. I continued smiling even after he was gone. I'd never really thought of him as anything but a pester, until I had got a chance to know him outside of the squad room. He was actually a genuinely nice guy, with a huge heart. I liked that about him.

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

He pulled out my chair, and pushed it in as I sat down. I had a long sleeved, floor-length dress on, and he was in a suit. It was a high-end restaurant, and I was nervous. We hadn't been in a public restaurant in a long time. There was a basket of crackers on our table, which contained many packs of crackers in there, and I immediately spotted the Ritz crackers, and I pulled them out of the basket, and slyly set them inside the basket to the empty table next to us. We both smiled at my attempt to be sly. This night could go two ways, it could be one of the best of both of our lives, or it could be a disaster. That was how every night could go, but this was different. It would be a public disaster tonight, if anything went wrong. I was confident we were ready for this.

We ordered our food, and sat across the table from each other, holding hands. We still hadn't exactly disclosed our relationship, but everyone sort of knew. They were letting us find time to get our lives together before they added more stress of our jobs. They all knew I was having his baby, everyone on earth knew that. So, if we were caught having dinner together, we would just say we were discussing how we were going to work everything out, and discussing the extent of our relationship. We had it all planned out.

We held hands across the table from each other, and the waiter came over, and offered us some champagne, and I told him no, but I asked Nick if he wanted some. Although, I knew it wasn't the best idea for him to be drinking, but I trusted him. He passed, and the waiter then took our order. We laughed and talked, just like a normal couple. It was the best night, I think both of us, had in a very long while.

After we finished up the dinner, we decided to go see a movie. We looked at all of our options, but the only one we could agree on was rated G. It was probably best for the baby that we didn't see anything scary, and we would have to get used to the G rated movies, because we would be watching a lot of them once the baby came. We still hadn't picked out a name for her, and so during the previews I decided to ask him. "Have you thought about what we're going to name our baby?"

"A little. I was thinking maybe Brittany. I've always liked that name."

"Hmm, I was thinking of something maybe not as common, like Kansas, or Chantel. I don't know, I've always liked those names."

"We could name her Sara?"

"Wow! Of all the names, you pick one that's even more common than Brittany!"

"I'm kidding." He said with a laugh. "We could name her whatever you want." He said, and then the movie began.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

Carisi came back from walking Frannie, and they both sat up in the couch on either sides me. I thanked him, and he put a hand on my shoulder.

"Anything for you." He told me, and our faces became so close when I turned my head to look at him. Once I looked into his eyes, it was like a magnetic field between us, pulling us closer to one another. His lips touched mine, and I brought my hand to his face, gladly accepting and deepening his kiss. We pulled away after a couple seconds of pure bliss. We'd never done anything like this before. We knew it was wrong, but it felt so right. "What are we doing?" He asked me.

"I don't know about you, but I was enjoying it."

"I was too, it's just... Are you sure?"

"I know we're working together, and we shouldn't but you're going to be a lawyer soon anyways, and it feels right..."

"Is your knee feeling okay?"

"It's feeling just fine." I told him. It was, and I knew as long as he was slow and gentle, my knee would not be a factor. He kissed me again. He pulled back, again.

"Are you sure, I mean, considering everything you've been through, I just-"

"I'm a thousand percent sure. Will you carry me into the bedroom, my knee is hurting." I said in a seductive tone, that made him smile, and lift me from the couch. He set me down on my bed, and began pulling my shirt up. I helped him get it over my head, and threw it to the floor. He then stood at the foot of the bed as he removed his own shirt and pants. I sat on the bed, as he made his way over to straddle my waist on my lap. We kissed. I could've sworn I had died and went to heaven. Every time he touched me a wave of euphoria captured my entire body, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

Now, I have had a lot of experience with many different men, but with them I was only looking for a release, and they gave that. They were always rough, and quick, but with Carisi, he was gentle and loving. I had never experienced that, and I never realized that was what I really wanted in a man. He slowly moved his fingers to the clasp of my bra, and I shrugged it off my shoulders. He took a look at my chest for a moment, and then laid me back on the bed as he began kissing my stomach, and slowly made his way to that area on my neck that made me go crazy. I held his head, and I begged him to hurry up, but he took his time.

He took one hand, and slipped it beneath my panties, and I couldn't stand the anticipation. He started to gently rub me, gaining several moans of pleasure. He liked dragging this out on me, I could see the way he smiled every time I moaned, and he stuck a finger inside of me, and then two. I kissed him aggressively, hoping he would follow my lead, but he only touched me in a soft and slow way. "What's the rush?" He asked me, and his voice made me all kinds of wet! Why did he have to be like this? He removed my underwear, and took his off too. I quickly went and grabbed a condom from the drawer in my nightstand. Once he took it, I tried to position myself so I was closer to him, giving him easy access, but he kept on teasing me.

"Sonny." I tried. I couldn't hide the pleasure in my voice, and he knew exactly what he was doing to me.

"I love you Amanda." He whispered in my ear. I needed to feel him more badly now.

"Sonny, please." I begged.

He placed himself so close to me, I could feel him in me. "Are you sure." He said, allowing me a chance to back out. He didn't want to hurt me. I couldn't have been any more sure since he asked me. No one had ever stopped to ask me first.

"I'm sure. I love you Sonny." I said, and I felt him slowly enter me. I moaned in pleasure. The total exhilaration consumed me, and I was lost in his soft touch. I kissed him softly, and he slowly started thrusting.

"I love you too, Amanda Rollins." He whispered.

We continued late into the night, as we both climaxed again. I couldn't describe the way I felt that entire night any other way besides, heaven on earth. We finally passed out in each other's arms, with one final kiss, and one final "I love you."

* * *

**Olivia's POV**

We headed to this garden of a museum in Staten Island. It was a quiet, calm place, but beautiful with the right amount of light used to have a nice glow in the night time. We sat on one of the benches, and took in the scene for a while. It was beautiful. It was the perfect end to our first date night. We had been around people all day and night, and this was finally our chance to calm down, take a breath, and realize how comfortable we are with each other. "I love you." He told me. My heart always skipped a beat when I heard those words from his mouth.

"I love you too." I answered with. We kissed.

"So, um, Liv..." before I knew it, he was on one knee, with a ring in his hand. My heart rate immediately quadrupled its pace, and tears formed in my eyes. This was really happening.

"Liv, I know it's not ideal circumstances, how our little girl was conceived, but I want it to be ideal from here on out. I love you, and I'm sure about that. You mean more to me, than anyone I know, or will ever know. Will you make me the happiest man alive? Will you marry me?"

My hand went to my mouth, and I nodded, as the tears flowed down my face. "Yes. Yes!" I said. He slipped the ring onto my finger, and stood up to kiss me. I gazed into his eyes for a long while. Neither one of us could stop smiling. He had tears in his eyes too, which made me even more emotional. He was so perfect.

Fin started walking over to us, and stopped the video he was recording on his phone.

"Fin! You knew about this?"

He only smiled. Then, he opened his arms wide for me. I fell into them, and showed him my ring. I brought Nick in for a group hug, family hug. It turned out to be the best night of both of our lives.

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**So, it was a little shorter than recent updates, but I thought it was a good place to stop. Alright you guys, show me how much you loved this happy ending if you liked it. Last time I ended on a good note, it barely got any reviews, so this is your last chance!**


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